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"I don't want to yell at the child, but I can say he can't hear it!"
This is a complaint from a mother when talking about her child's education.
This is a situation that many parents encounter:
When you calmly urge your child to wash, sleep, go to school, write homework... Exhausted tongue-in-cheek, children are often indifferent, only the sound of the voice, the child grinding and rubbing.
Someone on the Internet summed it up as: "Yelling Dependence": The louder the yell, the more honest the child is.
This pattern of interaction, common in many homes, leaves us physically and mentally exhausted from busy work and household chores.
This makes parents wonder: "Why can I only use anger to make my children cooperate?" ”
In today's article, we will discuss this problem that has caused countless parents a headache.
Children "can't hear" can be roughly divided into two situations: one is "really inaudible", and the other is "pretending not to hear." ”
01
I can't hear it
Seeing this conclusion, parents and friends may feel incredible, how can the child really not hear what I say?
In fact, the so-called "really inaudible" is that the child's auditory attention ability has not kept up.
One of the most obvious manifestations of children with weak auditory attention is that the eyes are "drifting away", the words spoken by parents are usually like "wind in the ears", and sometimes they seem to be listening carefully, but their eyes are sluggish, and they think about other things while listening.
This kind of child is not deliberately disobedient, but the auditory attention is not well developed, he is not sensitive enough to external sound stimuli, easy to run away, daze.
"Really inaudible" can also occur in children who are too focused, often unable to effectively allocate attention.
People's attention is limited, especially for preschool children, it is difficult for them to achieve "double use".
Especially in things that interest him, such as when the child is seriously playing with blocks and you are talking to him next to him, it is easy for the child to ignore your words.
This is the problem of attention distribution, which refers to the child's attention to different things at a certain time, such as some children can read books while listening to songs; some children can listen to lectures while taking notes and so on.
This ability needs to be cultivated, in the early experience of children's growth, this phenomenon of "inaudible" is very normal, a little training can be cultivated, parents face a greater challenge is the child "pretend not to hear".
02
Pretend not to hear
"Pretending not to hear" is a kind of silent resistance of the child to the parents: "What you asked me to do is something that I don't want to do for a while, so I will say it when I don't hear it and wait until I have to do it." ”
There are many triggers for this phenomenon, such as:
Do not value and care about the child's inner thoughts
Chattering nagging
Parents are too tough and have too many condescending orders
Usually, the number of yelling times is too much, which makes the child a habit
Parental principles can easily be broken, leaving children to think that there is room for rubbing
......
Among them, the most critical reason for making children "inaudible" is nagging, and the second is that parents do not keep the bottom line.
Let's start with nagging.
Anger should be "cherished" and used in relationships.
It represents your dissatisfaction with what is happening at the moment, expresses your position and bottom line, and the occasional sharp color can make people face your expression again.
But the problem for most parents is that they use this too often to make their children obedient, and eventually it turns into nagging + yelling.
Zhu Ziqing said in "Silence": "Your words should be like the stars in the night, not like the firecrackers of the Chinese New Year's Eve - who is rare in the firecrackers that last all night?" ”
Nagging, not only makes children dependent on your repeated urging, but also weakens the authority of parents' words, and some children will selectively "shield", the left ear is in, the right ear is out.
In the end, it becomes a "firecracker all night", no matter how you roar, you can't attract the attention of your children.
Let's talk about the bottom line. The child doesn't listen to you because you're so good at talking.
Some parents may retort: "I yell at him every day, just to make him obedient, I am still good at talking?" ”
In fact, the essence of good speech is not the volume, but the principle.
A parent friend once consulted me:
"What if the child is completely disobedient?" The same thing is not enough to urge 800 times a day, it is really too tired. ”
What is the problem with such a child?
This parent has not set rules for the child, nor has he not been fierce to the child, but the child often plays a trick, the parents are shaken, and finally the child goes.
For example, urging the child to sleep, urging him to say a few words, what should he do, after half a day to see the child is still on the sofa, re-use a louder voice to urge.......
Over time, the child knows to watch his mother's face and volume do things, and before his mother is hysterical, he knows that he still has time and room to do his own things.
The bottom line can only be regarded as the bottom line if it is kept.
Once we took the initiative to give the child a loophole, it finally became the title of the article: "I have to be angry, the child obeys." ”
03
How to deal with this phenomenon?
So how can you do it without yelling, and the child is still willing to cooperate with you?
Three suggestions for you:
1. Make good use of body language and make sure your child looks into your eyes before speaking
For children with auditory perception problems, it is necessary to improve auditory attention through some effective learning and training.
For example, you can let the child listen to a certain sound carefully, listen to it, distinguish it, and also play the small game of auditory attention training with the child. (The specific content can be found in the official account history article search for "auditory attention" to understand)
At the same time, parents should make good use of body language, before expressing, to ensure that the child's attention is on you, may wish to tap his shoulder, wait until the child looks into your eyes, and then talk to him.
Such a move makes it impossible for children to escape your words and improves the communication efficiency between parents and children.
2. You have to keep the bottom line, the child will have discipline
Parents know that as long as their children follow the rules, education will become much simpler.
The problem is that the rules are too difficult to enforce.
In fact, whether the rules can stand up depends on whether parents can keep the bottom line from the very beginning.
Take the problem of children sleeping, when the time comes, we can prepare for falling asleep, turn off the TV, take away the mobile phone, and lie down after washing.
If the child is crying, don't be anxious, cry with him for a while, you only need to accompany him, you can even hug him:
"I know you still want to play, and if you want to cry, cry." But when it's time to go to bed, it's our rule, and crying can't be changed. ”
As long as you can stick to it at the beginning, after a long time, without you reminding him, he will know it is time to sleep.
Slowly you will find that when you stick to your bottom line, you can also get the trust and respect of your children.
Because he knew that since Mom and Dad had made the rules clear, they wouldn't change, and he wouldn't play tricks anymore.
It is best to adhere to this rule early, otherwise, the later the parents will be more tired.
3. Adjust the way and tone of speech so that your child will willingly cooperate with you
The ultimate goal of wanting children to listen to us is to cooperate better.
So the way and tone of expression is very important, if you express more temperature, the effect is unexpected.
In the book "How to Say Children Will Listen, How to Listen to Children To Speak", the author mentioned that when parents accuse, insult, threaten, and command, children usually have difficulty cooperating.
She gives some useful ways to seek cooperation from your child:
Describe what you see;
Expressed in one word;
Give hints;
Describe your feelings;
Provide a choice;
Write a note.
Image from: "How to say that children will listen, how to listen to children to speak"
Author: [Beauty] Adele Farber, Elaine Mazlisch
In simple terms, use declarative expressions to describe the facts or problems you see, and provide appropriate advice, the more peaceful and determined you are, the more willing your child may be to cooperate with you.
For example, if a child finishes playing with the blocks, it's better than: "You're doing this to me every time!" Can't do a small thing! ”
We can simply remind a child with one word: "Your building blocks!" ”
Or offer an option: "Bricks are easy to throw away, you can put them in boxes or stack them on a shelf." ”
Or describe your feelings: "I just finished tidying up the living room, and I saw that the building blocks were messing up this again, and my mother was very uncomfortable." ”
In short, when encountering problems, do not always indulge in your own anger and turn your children into our enemies, but should solve problems together with a cooperative mentality.
The quality of communication between parents and children determines the quality of the parent-child relationship, especially the tone of speech.
Yelling is not always the best way to communicate, only if the method is right, your words, the child can listen.
I hope that today's article can be enlightened to you.
Remember to click "Watching" to share with more moms and dads who have the same distress!
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