Text/Old K
A few days ago, I received such a consultation, the visitor has just graduated and come to work in a private company.
As a result, after just coming here, she was very kind to anyone, no matter what dirty work was rushed to do, but before long, she found that she could not stay anymore, the reason is that if the team's work is going well, then basically nothing happens, but once the work has a problem, the leader of her group will arbitrarily throw the responsibility for the problem to her.
According to her, the most hateful thing is that the people in the group went skiing together to play, and the team leader accidentally sprained his foot, at this time she went up to take a look at it and gave some advice, at this time the group leader not only did not appreciate it, but the group leader angrily said, "It is you who can't skate that affect me." The scene was very awkward at one point.
Seeing this story, I also remembered an incident I experienced when I was a child, that would be in elementary school, someone in the class lost something, the teacher could not find the person who stole the thing, so let everyone stand until the classmate identified the person who stole the thing, many students later discussed and casually identified a classmate who did not like to talk in the class, and the result was that the classmate ran out crying on the spot.
Later, the classmates gathered and this classmate never came again.
The above story is about the "scapegoat" in a typical relationship.
The "scapegoat" became an outlet for the wrongdoers
There is a theory in psychology called the "scapegoat" effect, which is about a person who has been frustrated and invaded, then he will express it in a hostile and prejudiced way. And will get used to transferring their problems to others, thereby reducing their inner pressure.
Sometimes, our brains are not absolutely objective, and a person who is accustomed to blaming the outside world for the problems around us cannot see the problems in themselves.
No wonder the philosopher Nietzsche once said that anyone who is dissatisfied with himself is ready to take revenge at any time.
There are generally three types of roles when there is a scapegoat phenomenon:
1. Butcher, abuser
In his heart, all the problems that arise are someone else's fault, and I myself am perfect.
2. Scapegoat
Present a weaker image in group relationships or be different from other people in the group.
3. Bystanders
As long as things don't happen to you, you can hide as far as you can.
Generally speaking, the "scapegoat" will produce depression, anxiety, and despair after being thrown out of the pot, and even form psychological trauma if it is serious.
Dr. Sharie Stines, a trauma repair specialist, believes that in a sense, the perpetrator and the scapegoat are in a relationship between control and control, manipulation and manipulation.
What type of person would be a "scapegoat"
In general, scapegoats and perpetrators are also "self-deficient" people.
It's just that the scapegoat habit has a problem "internal attribution", while the abuser has a problem habit of "external attribution".
To sum up, the scapegoat has a range of "good old" traits:
Fear of rejecting others: do not dare to refuse the demands made by others, too hastily agree to the promises of others, and when they find that they cannot keep, they dare not face reality, and it is best to find excuses to shirk responsibility.
Fear of interpersonal conflict: When your own opinions are different from others' opinions, you are always worried that others are not happy, choose to give in, even if you do not agree with the other party, you can only echo and please others.
Fear of being hated by others: They will do everything in their power to get the approval of others, and when others are unhappy, they are accustomed to attributing the responsibility to themselves, and restraining their words and deeds according to others' standards.
Why many people become "scapegoats" in relationships, I later chatted with the girl and found that when she was a child, her mother always encouraged her to become a "sensible child".
When she and her parents disagree, their parents will use blame and make her feel guilty to make her compromise.
Over time, she grew farther and farther away from her own heart
Pleasing your parents when you are a child, pleasing others when you grow up, and forgetting yourself.
She recalls her childhood, when she went home after being bullied to talk to her mother about her inner bitterness, she got this result:
"Why don't others bully anyone, just bully you?" Why don't you think about what's wrong with yourself? Is it that you are not doing well yourself to annoy others? ”
Over time, when the accusation comes, the scapegoat will get used to stopping the problem with itself, and even if the heart is in pain, he does not dare to question or confront the abuser.
How can the scapegoat save itself?
If, in a relationship, you accidentally become a scapegoat, here are a few tips for you:
If you don't feel like you've done anything wrong during the whole process, or if other people in the group have the same problem, but someone only accuses you of not blaming others, you can first tell yourself from the inside that it's not my fault, it's just that someone has thrown the pot to yourself.
Second, don't convince yourself that "this is nothing", because in the process, you have to respect your feelings, even if you are angry, do not suppress it.
When you can do this, you won't fall into infinite self-blame and self-aggression, which will largely avoid negative emotions such as more severe depression and anger.
In addition to the above construction on the psychological level, the behavioral aspect can also be tried to change.
For example, you can leave the pot throwing group to avoid continuous harm;
You can even throw the other person's pot back, completely reject any language it throws that hurts you, and if you are bullied, you can even directly ask for help, even at the expense of calling the police.
Then you can also look for your own social support system (trusted family members, good friends, psychologists, etc.) to confide in them about the whole thing, with people who trust you and support you.
In our lifetime, we may inevitably be treated unfairly, and sometimes we can't even wait for a "sorry" word.
But even so, the darkness will not always be dark, as long as you are willing to start to change, everything is not too late, everything will eventually change.
Yohji Yamamoto said that the "self" thing is invisible, bumping into something else, bouncing back, we will understand ourselves.
When a person no longer complains, but sees his inner trauma through the outside mirror, it is possible to step out of the story script from the original family and truly become the master of his own life.
Scott Pat writes in The Road Few People Walk: Growing up is not only about learning to endure pain, but also about forgiveness. To blame others is actually to escape one's own responsibilities and the pain one should bear.
Truly loving yourself is never an empty word, but practicing the original intention and mission in life, always being grateful and introspective, not complaining about the sky and not complaining about life.