01
Professor Peng Kaiping, dean of the Academy of Social Sciences of Tsinghua University, once said: "For ordinary people, failure is not the mother of success at all, success is the mother of success." ”
The so-called "learning lessons from failure" is only the successful path of a very small number of people with strong hearts, for the vast majority of ordinary people, every failure experience will make them lose a part of their strength and gradually become afraid to retreat.
Success is the mother of success, every successful experience, will accumulate confidence and strength for the next challenge, which is the right path for every ordinary person to succeed.
This truth is also very applicable to the growth of every child.
If a child has accumulated enough successful experiences from childhood to adulthood, when he grows up, when facing difficulties, he will naturally be more likely to mobilize the successful emotional experiences of the past, overcome fears, and move forward bravely.
In fact, from birth, children have been trying to overcome their own sense of powerlessness and accumulate successful experiences for themselves.
From the swaddling baby's every cry and cute smile, he can make the adult busy for him and meet all his needs; the eight- or nine-month-old child, stubbornly grabbing a spoon from the adult's hand, wants to eat by himself; and then to the one-year-old child, stumbling and learning to walk; the two-year-old child, who has to do everything himself, we can see this very clearly.
But as children grow up, they don't know when they start, they become withdrawn, unconfident, and they give up on things that they can accomplish with a little effort.
As children grow up, parents demand more and more of them, so words like this often ring in the ears:
"Don't, no, you're too naughty, you won't come, you see whoever learns, you have to refuel, such a simple problem is also wrong, how can you be so stupid..."
So they began to accumulate the feeling of "I am not good enough" and began to accumulate a sense of fear of difficulties. No longer like the child who learned to walk when he was a child, he fearlessly got up again and again and continued to move forward.
In the process of raising children, I often reflect on what kind of "self-monologue" is accumulating in my children's hearts.
Is it "I'm good, I'm great, I can do it, I can", or "I'm not good enough, I'm not good, I'm bad"?
In the book "Toxic Parents", it is said that children do not distinguish between facts and jokes, and they will believe what their parents say about themselves and turn them into their own ideas.
There is a word in psychology called "self-proof prophecy," and we always push the outcome of things toward our self-evidence prophecy.
If a child's experience from childhood to adulthood allows him to form a self-evident prophecy of "I always don't do well", he will grow up to do anything that will be hindered.
02、
Fu Seoul's interaction with a child named Kai Kai in an educational program made me watch it many times.
In the show, the four- or five-year-old boy Kai Kai, who looks a little unconfident and introverted, told Fu Seoul, "My mother thinks I'm not good, she says I'm not good every day, boys and girls are better than themselves." ”
After Fu Seoul listened, he taught him to be domineering and recoiled, "Tonight when you go back, you have to argue with her, you said that I think you are the happiest woman in the world, you have such a good son of mine, I envy you, I hope you are satisfied."
Within minutes of tutoring Kai Kai with her homework, Fu Seoul once again showed us her "Fu-style parenting method" again.
"Your mother's assignment, you wrote it very quickly, it's not difficult for you at all."
"I think I can't write well, erase and rewrite it, such a good son who raised it!"
"Do you know why your mother gave you so much homework?" Because you're too smart and he knows you're too smart."
"You can count as fast as Teacher Fu, and you can make money in ancient times."
This burst of praise, the natural concreteness of the exaggeration, the reasonableness of the exaggeration, instantly made Xiao Kaikai's face glow and revealed a confident smile.
Fu Seoul said in the show, "A child, it is very difficult for you to make him confident, but it is easy to make him feel inferior. ”
It is true that because most parents receive most of the "percussion education" from an early age, they will unconsciously continue the parenting concept of the previous generation and praise their children to make them uncomfortable.
But even so, we still have to be awakened parents, look more at the shining points in their children, encourage more, and compare less. Help him accumulate self-fulfilling prophecies of "I can do it, I can, I deserve to be loved." Let the child turn excellence into a habit.
03、
The psychologist Adler said:
Encourage the child with "his own achievements" to convince them that they can achieve the same success in other ways. Then the task of the educator will be easier to complete.
A few years ago, the teacher organized the children to cut the lucky words, and other children could cut very well, but they were always not good, which made him very discouraged.
When he got home, he took the initiative to let me accompany him to cut, but in the process, he was always very anxious, and when the cut was broken, he lost his temper.
I wanted to encourage him, so I moved out of the glorious deeds of him who had learned to shoot the ball himself before. (This thing makes him very proud)
"You can learn to shoot the ball yourself, you can shoot well in the back, paper cutting is no problem, just practice more, come to your mother to accompany you." 」
He lifted his little head, thought about it for a moment, and began to reinvigorate himself, this time obviously more patient, and there was no tantrum where the cut was not good.
Later, he successfully cut out a small penguin, and thus gained confidence in paper cutting.
Early the next morning, I asked the teacher for the paper that had not been cut yesterday, and I smoothly cut out the fu character. The teacher also praised him fiercely, which made him very happy. So that for a while, as soon as I went home, I started to cut, and the enthusiasm for paper cutting was very high.
In the eyes of adults, small achievements are extremely valuable success experiences for children.
As parents, we just need to celebrate every small achievement with him and let this feeling penetrate deeply into the child's heart. This is the root of the child's self-motivation when he grows up.
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