Double Income No Kids, or DINK for short. This way of life has been challenged by traditional mainstream concepts since it entered China in the 1980s.
Some people envy the courage of the Dink family, while others do not favor marriages without children as a bond. On one side is the career-oriented choice of Dink, while on the other side is the anxiety and insecurity of the older generation about "no queen". Nor has the discussion of procreation ever stopped.
The surging question invited the post-70s "Tie Ding" and Lu Yonglin, associate professor of the School of Literature of Shanghai University, to talk about his Dink life.
What preparation is required to become a dink
@lz_dgl: Can you tell us why you chose the Dink family?
Lv Yonglin: First, there are still many reasons for choosing Dink, and in retrospect, the earliest time may have been like not having a "special feeling" for children, that is, not like some friends who treat not having children as a big regret in life or "missing something". I myself have never felt that the life of a child is incomplete, or that life is missing a fundamental thing.
Second, another strong reason is that I don't want to be in today's social context, because I have children, let myself become a person I don't want to be, or do something that I don't want to do.
At the same time, I don't want to just watch my own children, either to bully others or to be bullied by others, and I have no way, and maybe I am even a part of it.
Fourth, my lover sees that the parents around them seem to have a sense of attachment to their children, out of emotional needs, or for the sake of old-age care, or the desire to find and reflect a certain value of their children, but therefore, the ability and consciousness of parents to build independent personalities are relatively weak. So my lover is worried that if he wants a child himself, will he become such an old man in the future?!
@ Unnamed enthusiastic netizens: What inner preparations do you need to complete if you want to become a Dink family?
Lv Yonglin: This question is very important! Many things, when the external environment cannot be changed, or when the change is not complete, fail to form a fundamental support for a person's action, we especially need to have a fuller inner preparation.
If you want to become a Dink family, under the premise of the existing social reality and concept, my lover and I have at least completed the following inner preparations -
First, we must understand what the greatest joy and happiness that children bring to their parents, and at the same time understand whether this joy and happiness are irreplaceable. A female friend of mine, after having a child, once said, "Children are my everything"... At some stages of life, the child is a person's "close relative", and each of us is a "relative seeker", especially in the human world that makes you feel "unkind", which is the great meaning of children to many parents. But "close relatives" can also be other people, even the world outside of people, nature, without children, we can also have "close relatives", have joy and happiness from "close relatives".
Second, understand the relationship between our purpose/lifestyle in life and the evaluation of others. In some life points, my lover and I are basically not guided by the evaluation of others. Many times, even some university professors lack a true spirit of reflection. Therefore, do not use such "other" words as a guide to life.
Third, you must find a way to figure out what you really want in this life, what is your most fundamental desire, the desire in your desire, and then find out where your soul-destroying nest is. For example, my lover and I now feel that walking freely in the heavens and the earth is very soulful, what do we want our children to do! With a child, she/he may not be happy to come with you to nature.
In any case, we must be determined to create our own new daily ecology and life world, and build our own new spiritual map. In this way, we will rush to the present and the future, and deal with all unreasonable opposition and obstruction.
After Dink
@ Sancheng Zhibai: Couples will become relatives after too long, but lust is also one of the bonds that maintain the marriage relationship, and it is human nature to like the new and dislike the old and covet the younger vitality. As they age, their lust for their spouses fades, and without the common bloodline of children to maintain the relationships within the small society of the family, how can the Dinks resist the temptation to continue the marriage?
Lv Yonglin: In my opinion, people's greatest desire is actually self-dissolution, whether it is affinity, love, desire, or desirelessness. The popular idea of our time exalts the so-called "self" to a very high level, which belongs to a kind of historical short-sightedness and "blindness". A couple, whether married or not, need to constantly discover each other, create each other, and appropriately "lose me" (to borrow Zhuangzi) in this "discovery" and "creation". As for resisting temptation, it is too big a topic, and each daily ecosystem is different, and the various conditions, mentalities, and ideological conditions required are different, and it is difficult to force an answer.
@騰訊 enthusiastic netizens: Do you think the family is complete now? Is there a lack of popularity?
Lv Yonglin: For us, there doesn't seem to be this problem. "Family integrity" itself is only a product of an idea, and even the "family" itself is only a product of an idea. What we have to face is actually the relationship between people and people, and it is a problem of a person's situation and feelings in various "relationships". In addition to people, there is actually a broader space, such as man and nature... In nature, the lack of popularity is not a good thing.
@yuqun2002: As a Dink, how did you plan your retirement? Will there be insecurity?
Lv Yonglin: First, you should try your best to ensure your physical health, and then keep your mental clarity as much as possible, even if the real old age comes, you must keep yourself mentally alive.
Second, of course, these are certainly not castles in the air, there must be certain external conditions, such as basic life security, like to have their own houses that can live, and for example, I will buy some corresponding insurance, choose in advance where I am willing to live for a long time, and have my own world.
Third, we must constantly reflect on the "needs of people to people", which includes reflecting on the needs of parents for their children. I don't think this need is unsurpassed.
Fourth, to have a new understanding of "death" and even "euthanasia", it is really old and frail, it is time to leave and leave, not ambiguous.
@Midnight Pumpkin Will Turn into a Carriage: What if one day your wife and you say you need a child? For women, is it a higher price and cost to choose Dink and then regret it?
Lv Yonglin: If there is a day, then we will face and find a way together, no matter what, we will stand in a trench... At present, my lover and I are quite "iron" and have not considered adopting children. For a person, whether female or male, there will always be a price for repentance, but before repentance, the freedom and joy of "Ding" is undeniable, and the freedom and joy of "Ding" create our lives and lives. If there are new choices later, let's act according to the new choices, the world is changing with each passing day, we must have imagination.
Two people outside the world
@Hey I really really really want to go: do dink your parents have no opinion? Do you regret it now? Do they regret it?
Lu Yonglin: First, both of our parents had opinions that it was an objective fact that they wanted to understand that this matter was more difficult and that they had to do the necessary "revolutionary education work." After the education work was done, it gradually became much better, and then it disappeared or faded. In this regard, our communication with our parents is quite smooth, of course, the time is also quite long.
Second, we don't regret it now, and our parents see that we don't regret it, so there is nothing.
@Surging netizen imyeai: How to deal with the relatives who have to face Dink, and what is the way to convince the parents of both sides? How do you keep your convictions firm in the face of most opposition?
Lv Yonglin: The most important thing is to see clearly our own desires and dreams. Relatives, can face, can not face, does not affect the overall situation, fine water and long flow. For parents, be patient, in the matter of Ding Buting, parents should care most about us, not our children, if not, if they care most about themselves, care about what others think of them, then the parents' IQ and emotional intelligence need to be improved urgently.
Pengyou commented
@Yi Fan: Dink may encounter two problems in his later years:
1, money can not solve the problem, because even if there is money to enter the nursing home, it will also let the nursing home have no fear and do whatever it wants because there is no one to worry about. The difference with children is that even if the children do not interact, the nursing home understands that it is responsible for it, and is afraid that the child will be held responsible.
2, the lack of companionship caused by the problem of loneliness, the companionship of the wife is undoubtedly the best, followed by children. Spiritual comfort is an important need for people to survive, and now the gradual development of group pension, community service and even artificial intelligence technology are gradually developing and sound, but the true spiritual level of blood attachment and support can not be replaced by any way.
@Sea Trip: The two parties in the marriage have been too long, essentially living together by family affection and the same life values. I think the Dink family would be more stable if both parties agreed with this model.
@Surging netizen RRvMFf: Many people see Dink and ask the most they ask, "What should I do when I'm old?" So, children are the security of the elderly? Did the child agree before giving birth? What if I don't agree? Imposed on children?
@ Passerby said: In fact, raising a child is mainly to enjoy the fun of innocent and pure little life, and it does not have to be returned by him. Raising children and preventing old age is indeed an old thinking, but Dink is not necessarily a new thinking.
@Scofield: Looking at the whole of China, people's thinking is still relatively traditional, the ideology and culture of raising children runs through ancient and modern times, including myself, from the bones there is a subconscious that wants to leave their descendants in the world, and this subconscious mind is slowly infiltrated through culture and deeply rooted in the hearts of the people. There is no right or wrong in having children or not having children, we should be happy and happy when we walk in the world, and don't let secular morality kidnap our hearts is the right solution!
What other questions do you have about Dink's life? Welcome to ask questions, or leave a message to discuss together!