The author | Ma Yanrui
Original debut | Blue Word Project
The 35 cm long egg retrieval needle, which was 6 times the size of the small infusion needle, drilled into Luo Wei's ovary.
To ensure the quality of the eggs, she refused to take anesthesia. The moment the needle entered her body, a sharp pain quickly swept through her body, and her hands clasped the surgical towel under her body. Even though she had experienced and mentally prepared for such pain, she couldn't help but spasm while fine beads of sweat came out of her forehead.
This was her fifth time to retrieve her eggs.
Dink's more than a decade of Lovi is soon to have her 39th birthday, and she wants to have a child before she turns 40.
Yes, she was determined to betray Dink.
Just like when she chose Dink, Luo Wei had the courage to make changes - she and her husband worked in state-owned enterprises and foreign companies respectively, with stable economic incomes, cars and houses, and among their peers, they belonged to a small group of people who could control their own birth.
She has been working hard for almost a year to get pregnant. The children of the surrounding sisters are already in middle school, but she has been to the assisted reproduction center, hoping that this time she can successfully transfer the synthetic embryos and successfully implant.
IVF laboratory
In the matter of fertility, Luo Wei has always been a person who swims against the current.
When the people around her were pregnant and had children, she and her husband freely chose Dink; and when her peers had begun to worry about their children's study and were full of fear and resistance to "another one", she decided to prepare for pregnancy.
According to the latest data disclosed by the National Bureau of Statistics, the national population at the end of 2021 increased by only 480,000 people compared with the end of the previous year, and the natural population growth rate for the whole year was 0.34 ‰.
The fertility rate has been declining, the population data continues to shine red lights, and "not wanting to have children" seems to have become the mainstream concept of women of childbearing age.
However, as Luo Wei grew older, her willingness to give birth took root in her body.
Luo Wei met many women who had similar experiences to herself at the assisted reproduction center. At the same time, a large dink community is dividing, many of whom have plunged headlong into the fertility army. For them, their physical ability to reproduce has gone downhill, but they are determined to fight a war with their bodies.
In the documentary "Birth Gate", fertility is compared to a door, outside the door is waiting for the expectation and joy of the newborn, but inside the door is the thrill of fighting with the god of death. Procreation itself is like an adventure.
In middle age, even if a successful pregnancy is achieved through assisted reproduction, it is still difficult to give birth and breastfeed after a difficult pregnancy process.
What is the scene of 40-year-old Dinks, who then cross the door of fertility, inside and outside the door?
Is procreation fate?
Before the age of thirty, Rowie considered herself a Dink.
Dink, a shorthand for Double Incomes No Kids, refers to a family model in which both spouses have income and do not have children. In the eyes of Lovi and other couples who chose Dink, the absence of children meant "full freedom." ”
Luo Wei and her husband both come from relatively wealthy families in the Yangtze River Delta region, and their life beliefs are to live a good life at present. In the years after their marriage, both husband and wife threw themselves wholeheartedly into their careers. In his spare time, he went out to travel and explore shops, and his little life was very colorful.
Dink couples like Lovi are not uncommon.
Most of them have a good educational background and economic foundation, and traditional concepts such as "raising children and preventing the elderly" are of no interest to them.
Almost all husband and wife are retired employees of state-owned enterprises and have good pension income; not to mention that Luo Wei's sister lives in the same community as her parents, which also greatly shares the pressure she needs to face for the elderly.
Luo Wei and her husband have already calculated this account: the couple's income and savings base can fully cover the ordinary nursing home expenses. Not to mention that both of them have the habit of fitness, and Luo Wei is not too worried about the future.
Under the premise that you don't need to worry too much about the pension problem, not having children seems to be a more free way to live. After the newly married, Luo Wei and her husband discussed the issue of having children, and the two agreed that the huge cost and effort of raising a child was frightening.
If there are no children, then almost all income can be invested in oneself; the control of time can be more free. After all, the friends around you who have just raised children have almost lost the time and energy to travel.
What's more, both of them are in a stage of steady rise in their careers, and stopping at this time to get pregnant and have children is undoubtedly a roadblock for career promotion.
The pursuit of freedom, opposition to the traditional concept of "raising children and preventing the elderly", not interested in the family model of a family of three... Most Dinks had similar ideas in mind before they embarked on a path that was not mainstream.
As we get older, the desire for children begins to intensify.
However, the sense of loneliness will still take advantage of the void.
Almost all of the good shops collected by Dianping have been visited, and the footprints of travel have traveled to almost every province of the motherland. The peers around them have children and raise children, and there are fewer and fewer friends who can be dated.
As she grew older, Luo Wei was vaguely aware that the breeding instinct engraved in the animal's genes began to work.
Many middle-aged couples socialize with children
After 30 years old, when passing by the kindergarten near the community, the husband will take the initiative to open the topic: "You see how cute that little friend is fat and chubby", "That little girl is very polite at first glance". Luo Wei began to perceive the anticipation that flashed in her husband's eyes.
Relatives and friends around me have long joined the army of persuading people to be babies. Luo Wei's sister likes to share the little baby's bits and pieces after having a daughter: the baby wears new clothes to play with balloons, the baby will climb and leave, and begin to learn to call mom and dad...
The joy of motherhood came over me. My sister had already advised my sister: "Seriously, although it is hard to have a baby, you can experience that unparalleled feeling of happiness after you have a baby." ”
The longer she got married, the more She understood how much courage and determination it was for Dink to be. What they have to fight against is not only the countless gaps in married life, the instinctive desire to reproduce, but also the pervasive gossip.
In the first two years, everyone would joke that it didn't matter if they weren't born now; in a few years, the well-intentioned ridicule became speculation: "These two mouths, I don't know which side of the body is not ok." ”
Even Luo Wei's aunt quietly inquired when she came home: "Is there something wrong with your husband?" Now it can be cured, go to the hospital to see. ”
Suspicion of the physiological state is not the most difficult to overcome, and the accusation of character makes Luo Wei even more uncomfortable. The word "selfish" was the most spoken of by herself Dink.
Luo Wei didn't understand at first, she just didn't want to have children, how did it rise to personality attack?
The gossip has been listening to for a long time, and the two of them are more or less worried.
She also knows that for the Dink couple, a solid economic foundation, a rich spiritual world, and a solid marriage relationship are indispensable.
"Not everyone deserves Dink."
qualification
Pressure from elders became the last straw.
Two years ago, Luo Wei's father-in-law fell and was hospitalized, and the children of the next bed came to say hello and share fruits from time to time, so that the old man who was originally noncommittal about their choice also began to look forward to the joy of his descendants around his knees.
The mother-in-law sat on the edge of the hospital bed and opened the door to the mountain: "You two, really plan to live like this for the rest of your lives?" ”
The two didn't know how to answer. When I got home at night, the two of them lay on the bed in silence for a long time, and the husband spoke first: "Or we will have one." ”
Luo Wei agreed.
When my girlfriend heard that she was planning to get pregnant, she happily whispered, "I told you earlier that I should have a child." A female colleague of our company, heard that the two sons of Dink to nearly forty, the man repented, turned his head and divorced and found a young pregnant child. ”
Later, on the difficult road to pregnancy, they also wavered: pregnancy means a complete denial and abandonment of the previous Dink career.
But they quickly let go: times have passed, and people's concepts will always change. Dink or not, out of their true desires.
Not everyone understands Dink's notion
In Zhihu there is a question that is "What happened to the couples who chose Dink?" ”
Gaozan replied brilliantly: "It seems that Dink is happy, because the unhappy Dink is either divorced or runs away to have a baby." ”
Many Dink couples who have similar experiences have also chosen to get off the bus in middle age and return to the traditional life of a family of three.
In the Dink forum, someone shared his motivation for deciding to have a baby: "When you are sick and stay in the hospital for a few days, you want to understand that people still need to have a child by their side." ”
One of Her college classmates also chose Dink. However, unlike Luo Wei, the other party is also an unmarried person.
At the end of the class reunion, Luo Wei could see the loneliness behind the other party's dashing: "Alas, I really want to play with you for a while, I went back to the house empty and there was no one." ”
Luo Wei remembered the topic she had jokingly discussed with her husband before, "If one party dies, the other can only pack up and go to the nursing home." 」 ”
They have seen a lot of news about nursing homes, and many hearsays from relatives are telling them: "The situation of widows and widows without children in nursing homes is very bad, and it is not okay to have money." ”
If you want to go to a nursing home, it is not as easy as you think.
Since 2000, China has begun to enter an aging society. The proportion of the elderly population over 65 years old has reached 7%. After 20 years, this proportion has risen to 12.6%, with 46.37 million elderly people in need of care, while the existing pension beds of various types are only 8.238 million.
Even if you can successfully enter the nursing home, the shortage of nursing staff will also affect the quality of life in the nursing home.
According to the results of the fourth sampling survey of the living conditions of the elderly in urban and rural Areas of China carried out by the National Office on Aging, the Ministry of Civil Affairs and the Ministry of Finance, the incapacitated and semi-disabled elderly people in the mainland are roughly 40.63 million. However, according to the 2018 China Civil Affairs Statistical Yearbook, there are only 44,102 qualified elderly care workers in the mainland.
When young, choosing Dink requires courage and material strength, while middle-aged people who choose to escape from Dink's ranks require greater courage and more money – artificial assisted reproduction, and the sudden increase in childcare expenditure.
After hesitation and uneasiness, Luo Wei still strengthened her determination to have a baby. In the matter of childbirth, she was glad that she had caught the last train.
However, this last train is not comfortable to sit on.
Fight the body
Before deciding to prepare for pregnancy, Luo Wei never thought that pregnancy would be so difficult.
In the first ten years of their marriage, she and her husband never seriously thought about having children. Her husband works in a state-owned enterprise, and Luo Wei works as a business leader in a foreign company in Shanghai, and the two live a regular and rich life.
In the third year of marriage, Luo Wei was unexpectedly pregnant once. At that time, she was at a critical juncture in her career promotion, and after a brief discussion with her husband, she decided to kill the child. The husband also expressed support.
Today, Luo Wei, who is over 35 years old, has steadily reached a higher level in her career, but her children are slow to come.
For a full year after all contraceptive measures were lifted, Luo Wei showed no signs of pregnancy. Every month she was full of expectations, but every expectation was shattered after the punctual visit of menstruation.
Signs of a decline in fertility begin to show.
Even if both husband and wife maintain regular living and exercise habits, the increase in age and the aging of organs still lead to the degradation of reproductive ability.
After half a year, Luo Wei began to have symptoms of prolonged menstruation and reduced bleeding. Luo Wei always remembers the first postponement of her period, when she was at home waiting for the results of the pregnancy test. However, a clear red line on the pregnancy test stick is like a basin of cold water poured down.
In the absence of a successful pregnancy, Luo Wei was diagnosed with polycystic ovary syndrome.
The gynecologist's advice is clear: "If there are plans to have children, it is best as soon as possible." ”
Polycystic ovary syndrome causes her to produce disordered estrogen secretion, and the ovaries develop many small sacs (i.e., follicles) that prevent them from ovulating normally. Natural conception is even more difficult.
Luo Wei was anxious.
In order to adjust her body to a good pregnancy preparation, Luo Wei began to inject ovulation. As a drug that promotes gonadal hormone secretion and follicle growth, ovulation induction needles are usually injected intramuscularly, usually in a place where the buttock muscles are more abundant.
The needle hit a lot, and Luo Wei said that her "ass was numb when she saw the needle."
Some hormonal medications that had to be taken with injections also caused her to start gaining weight rapidly. Luo Wei had gained nearly thirty pounds, and her previous figure had become bloated, and her favorite skirt and jeans could not be pulled up, and for a while, she would be particularly depressed when she looked in the mirror.
When the body can finally ovulate normally, the IVF surgery is closely followed by the schedule.
IVF refers to the means of assisted reproduction that retrieves eggs from the woman's ovaries, the man provides sperm, and then the two sides match into fertilized eggs, and then the fertilized eggs are bred into living embryos, and then the embryos are transferred into the woman's uterus for growth and development.
Many middle-aged couples who are past their prime reproductive age and eager to have children will choose a test tube as a means of giving it another shot.
It's just that for these women who expect to become mothers, starting from egg retrieval, it is a tenacious struggle between physiology and will.
Take the opening operation of IVF as an example, which involves a long needle that passes through the vaginal vault, pierces directly into the ovary, and then sucks out mature eggs from the ovary. If you do not apply anesthesia, there will be a noticeable and strong pain throughout the operation.
But for Luo Wei, who wants to have children, she has no choice but to grit her teeth and bear it. What's more, women who are as hard and stubborn as she is are everywhere in assisted reproduction centers.
Once, in the hallway outside the clinic door, she met a woman crying. The woman is 43 years old and IVF is her last hope. Leaning against the wall, she cried out to her sister, who was waiting next to her, that only 1 of the 6 mature eggs she had retrieved had been successfully fertilized, and that the fertilized egg did not have the conditions for transplantation.
And her age is almost the upper limit of assisted reproductive technology. Over 44 years old, no matter what means are used, the success rate is extremely low.
The woman's cries were filled with despair: "I have spent eighty thousand yuan, why doesn't God even give me a chance to get pregnant?" ”
Luo Wei herself could not remember how many times she had been to the reproductive center.
The last time, after the fertilized egg was pushed into the womb and successfully implanted, the slightly sour feeling of that moment made Luo Wei can't help but shed tears on the operating table.
Like most Dink moms who eventually go to procreation, the first thing for Luo Wei, rather than the inner transformation, is the strong sense of uneasiness brought about by advanced childbirth.
She added several groups of elderly pregnant mothers, and everyone often shared some precautions during pregnancy. A 41-year-old pregnant mother mentioned that in the first three months of pregnancy, she "didn't even dare to work hard for constipation, afraid of pulling out the baby that was not yet stable." ”
Years after Dink, many couples who decided to get off the bus to have babies have missed out on the golden age of childbearing. Compared with other young couples, the first problem facing the Dinks is how to cross the threshold of age.
In medicine, with reference to the WTO (World Health Organization) regulations: pregnant women over the age of 35 are high-risk mothers. Because elderly women have a higher risk of pregnancy complications such as gestational hypertension and diabetes, it directly threatens the safety of maternal life. Data show that the incidence of gestational hypertension in pregnant women of advanced age is 2 to 4 times higher than that of pregnant women of appropriate age; the incidence of diabetes and gestational diabetes is more than 3 times higher than that of pregnant women of appropriate age.
But giving birth at an advanced age is one of the difficulties that these mothers who have given up on Dink must face.
The erosion of fertility by age cannot be reversed, and the older the age, the higher the risk. According to 2016 data, about one in four pregnant women is a high-risk woman. The situation in major cities such as Beijing and Shanghai is even more severe, with the proportion of high-risk pregnant women in Beijing reaching 62.8% in 2016.
When the fetus was stable in the womb, Luo Wei temporarily relaxed her mind. However, the danger and hardship of the whole process of childbirth still secretly attacked her.
Never imagined a life
As she enters pregnancy, frequent and intense morning sickness begins to make it difficult for her to eat. Lying in bed at night, the soreness of her lower abdomen also made it impossible for her to sleep.
Every time she turned over, she couldn't find a comfortable position, and looking at her husband who was already asleep next to her, she could only sigh softly.
The child was hard-won, and almost the only chance, and Luo Wei had to be doubly careful. Other pregnant women can have only one check-up a month, while she needs at least twice a month. When lying on the B ultrasound examination bed, every time the probe crossed the belly, Luo Wei's heart would follow.
Although the soreness in her abdomen makes her uncomfortable, sometimes the soreness disappears, and she will suddenly panic and worry about the safety of the baby.
After becoming pregnant, Luo Wei also had a lot less social interaction.
In order to save the baby, the couple canceled all travel plans for the next year. In the Dink community she joined before, Luo Wei no longer took the initiative to join the discussion.
She knew: on Dink Road, she was a deserter. Even though getting pregnant and having a baby is still her voluntary choice, every time she sees the WeChat name of Dink's group chat, she has a subtle sense of shame.
She once talked to a sister in the group who was secretly acquainted about her pregnancy. The shock and confusion in the eyes of the other party still stung Luo Wei's heart. The other party was particularly surprised and asked her: "Really think about it?" There is no turning back after having a baby. ”
On the night after the party, Luo Wei was lying on the toilet and vomiting in the dark, and when she got up to rinse her mouth, she couldn't help but cry when she looked at her haggard eyes and puffy face in the mirror.
When Dink persuaded the birth, after the pregnancy, some people questioned her choice.
Every day after becoming an elderly pregnant woman, Luo Wei must be careful. From the nutritional collocation of each meal to the non-slip when taking a bath, every detail needs to be paid attention to.
The gym was also too afraid to go, and the hike she had agreed with her friends was shelved, and Luo Wei felt that her life seemed to have changed.
Because she had to go to the hospital frequently for obstetric examinations, and her body had been uncomfortable, Luo Wei simply quit her job and stayed at home. When eating a casual meal with her colleagues, a young girl asked her: "Sister Weiwei, what do you say you are trying to toss so much?" ”
Frequent obstetric check-ups are required in the second and third trimesters of pregnancy
Luo Wei didn't know what she was trying to do. The child is not yet born, and all she experiences is hardship, anxiety and some unknown expectations. She didn't know what the baby could bring, she just hoped that she could eat and sleep well.
She began to learn a lot of parenting knowledge, and the more she learned, the more she felt that there was a door in it.
Will the child be born smoothly? Can I become a qualified new mom myself? How do you get along with your children? How do you teach children to understand the world around them?
Luo Wei's heart was bottomless.
Physiological changes during pregnancy are also rapidly subverting her mood. Gaining weight, puffiness, dark circles and a full of oily face brought about by poor rest made her look several years older.
Before she became pregnant, she was the most likely person in her circle of friends to be praised for "looking young"; after pregnancy, she began to stop liking to go out to parties — after all, she couldn't even wear a well-fitting skirt.
Eight months later, Luo Wei successfully became a mother after a caesarean section.
It is easy to have a baby and it is difficult to raise a baby.
The child fell to the ground, and Luo Wei deeply realized the meaning of this sentence. From feeding and sleeping to urinating, it was strange and complicated for Luo Wei, who had never prepared for childbirth before.
The body that had just given birth did not recover quickly. When she took a bath, she saw her loose belly and dark circles, and Luo Wei felt very sad. Obviously, a year ago, she was a beautiful woman with a firm and radiant body. Every time she took a photo with her girlfriend, the compliment she received was "You're really young!" ”
Now that I have a baby, even my husband can't help but sigh: "After giving birth to a child, I think you are obviously old." ”
Life after having a baby turned upside down.
The weekend plan changed from shopping with girlfriends to taking the baby to the park, and in order to facilitate going out to breastfeed, Luo Wei rarely wore a skirt again. Pulling her hair, loose and comfortable clothes and pants, and a large and heavy mommy bag became the standard for Luo Wei.
Because the baby is clingy, Luo Wei and her husband do not dare to go far away. At night, two people dare not sleep too deeply, once they hear movement, they must get up at the first time to check the baby's situation.
It was a life she had never envisioned.
Crib for your baby
Even so, Luo Wei still considers herself to be the lucky one among the novice mothers.
After quitting their jobs, the couple's savings can still support their quality of life and will not drop significantly because of having a baby; from childbirth to confinement, they also have the capital to choose a confinement center with better conditions.
Sufficient economic strength gives them the confidence to have children.
And this kind of confidence is not available to everyone.
Fertility rates have fallen all the way over the past five years, and for most young couples with ordinary economic conditions, "no money" is the biggest factor that has stuck their willingness to have children.
Luo Wei did not consider this. "The idea for the two of us now is to take one step at a time, and the problem of parenting will be solved slowly, and the financial pressure is certainly not too much of a problem for us anyway."
After having a baby, new worries and expectations continue to appear.
The children are still young, and the people around them have begun to remind them to worry about their children's schooling.
Luo Wei didn't want to think so much. After experiencing the transformation from Dink to her mother, she just wants to experience and feel well, this wonderful life course.
After feeding, the child fell asleep quietly in his arms. Soft and pink, Luo Wei felt, there was a wonderful feeling flowing between mother and child.
Born, or not born, Dink's ten years of Luo Wei finally made a choice.
Now that she is a mother, Luo Wei has no regrets.
"Anyway, the child has already been born, and it doesn't matter what regrets or regrets."