Children are the tip of the parents' hearts, and parents love their children without reproach, but when things happen, they will be strong for their children. Is this kind of love really good for children?
1
The other day, I watched a shocking news.
A middle-aged man actually beat up a toddler who was only two or three years old! The reason is simply that the middle-aged man's child accidentally touched his head while playing with another child and was not hurt.
But the middle-aged man felt that the child was bullied and came out to avenge the child in a fit of anger.
He frantically turned the rotating seat at high speed, causing the child to be thrown out directly; after the rotation stopped, the middle-aged man was not satisfied, and kicked the child to the ground.
Children play between each other, grab toys to play is normal, the children's world is not so complicated, play do not understand the modesty occasional friction, adults can be guided on the side, but if the adults follow and mix in, and even have inappropriate physical contact with other people's children, things will become more and more troublesome.
After this incident, I can't help but rethink, there are conflicts between children, as a parent, what should be done to be the most correct?
Is this kind of "strong head for the child" love really good for the child?
02
However, this is not an isolated case, and there are even more serious ones.
In 2018 in Zhejiang, two girls had a small conflict when they were playing, and a 10-year-old girl accidentally injured another girl, causing the other party to cause minor eye injuries.
When the injured girl's father learned of this, he was furious and took a fruit knife and stabbed the other party.
By the time the ambulance arrived, the child, who had fallen into a pool of blood, had lost his breath.
When I saw this news, I was shocked in my heart, what kind of love and care for the child, will make this father poison other children.
What is even more heart-wrenching is that when the girl's father only cares about "revenge" for his daughter, the girl stands next to watch this bloody scene.
When there is a conflict between the child and the classmate, the father thinks that he is going out to protect the child, but forgets that the child next to him has been watching.
In her eyes, all she saw was her father's anger and violence.
Calm down and think about the whole thing, under such an educational method, what will happen to children when they grow up? Will you also learn from your father and solve problems with emotions?
I can't imagine it.
We all know that children are born with a blank piece of paper, they perceive the world through the eyes of adults, and the parents' every move will determine the child's future behavior patterns.
Parents are accustomed to solving problems with emotions, and children will inevitably be biased to solve problems with emotions.
03
If children learn to use anger to solve problems, the impact on them is immeasurable.
Behind many extreme behaviors, it is emotions that are at work!
At the beginning of this year, 4 boys argued over "who opened the door" and when they were emotional, no one let anyone.
Suddenly, the 12-year-old boy was overcharged, climbed up to the top of the building and jumped down.
Another 13-year-old boy in Jiangsu had a heated argument with his mother, and emotionally, he hacked his mother to death on the spot.
Vicious events tell us that emotions have a cost, and when anger comes, out-of-control emotions can even hurt people.
Maybe you think this hurtful emotion is too serious, but the children who are accustomed to solving problems with emotions have many effects.
Psychologists have found that:
Children who are accustomed to dealing with problems with a stable mood will be more popular with their teachers and peers, and when they grow up, they will live more easily in society.
But those children who have difficulty controlling their emotions will encounter a variety of interpersonal problems, and when they grow up, life will be more unsmooth.
I remember that in the "Fairy Tales and Plans" program, the children's art fair and Zimo were a group, and every day and Ermao were a group, doing tasks together to purchase in the supermarket.
But Yibo and Zimo both have their own small emotions, thinking that the other party should listen to themselves, and no one is convinced, and the final procurement task fails.
Tian Tian and Ermao, because of the smooth communication throughout the process, listened to each other's opinions, and finally completed the task happily. Every day is also more popular because of its quotient personality.
This result is precisely because Tian Tian and Ermao know how to communicate and cooperate with people in a gentle way; on the contrary, Yibo and Zimo have always lived in emotions and have not solved the problem in the end.
When children get along, conflicts and contradictions inevitably arise, and when they encounter these problems, it is the best opportunity for children to learn to communicate and resolve conflicts.
What we can do is teach them how to solve problems instead of meddling.
04
Some time ago, I heard a friend talk about an incident in my son's class.
Two little boys were playing around after school, and one of the boys accidentally pushed the other boy down, and the boy who was pushed down had a bruise on his knee.
But the injured boy didn't cry, just felt a little pain. Instead, the injured boy's mother immediately rushed over, regardless of the blue and red pointing at the other boy and scolding angrily: "Why are you bullying people?" ”
I also understand this mother's mood, after all, the child has been bullied and wants to get justice, which is the subconscious practice of many parents.
But I would say that "the child was bullied" is probably a misconception.
Zhang Yijun, a famous psychologist, once explained the behavior of some children pushing or hitting people.
He said:
"Only malicious harm to others can be called bullying, and children under the age of 6 clash, rarely bullying two words, children conflict, is not a question of right and wrong that adults often understand." 」
Therefore, children are not bullying others a lot of times, but because they are young, their expression ability is insufficient, and they will only communicate with their bodies.
It's like a child who accidentally pushes down someone else, in fact, he just wants to quickly pass this road in his heart, and has no bullying meaning, thinking: "I want to pass, can I give way to the road?" "But I can't say it, I can only express it with my body."
Therefore, the conflict between children is the best time for them to learn how to communicate and express.
05
As a parent, the most important thing is to teach the child how to do it, rather than rushing to help the child "get out".
Many parents will be entangled, there is a conflict between children, parents do not shoot it, will feel sorry for the child and feel guilty. But when parents intervene, children are inevitably hurt.
So, what should be done when there is a conflict between children?
Take care of your child's mood
If the child is pushed down and cries, the parents should care for the child for the first time, soothe the child's emotions, let him know that he is not alone, and have parents who always support him and give him more security.
Secondly, we need to help them analyze and understand this scene "he wants to run from here, not bully you", so that the child can correctly understand the behavior of the other party.
If the child is pushed down, the parents will "stronghead" for the child, and the child can easily understand it as "I was bullied and very wronged." "There are factors that are detrimental to the child's growth.
Judge whether the parents need to intervene in this conflict
When your child has conflicts with others, please be sure to observe the child's reaction, whether he is aggrieved, do not mind, and ask him if he needs the help of his parents.
If the child does not need to, after calming the child's emotions, then this matter should not be mentioned again. If the child really needs help, we must give help in time and stand on the side of the child.
Within the scope of safety, know how to let the child negotiate the solution by himself
"Noisy", "conflict", "contradiction" Almost every child will encounter in the process of growing up.
However, most children do not need parents to intervene in the contradictions between them.
My daughter has a very good friend Poetry, the two often play together, but also often make a variety of small conflicts, and even make a lot of crying, mouth absolutely: "I will never play with you again." "I'm not going to be friends with you anymore."
But most of the time, within minutes, or days they'll be reconciled, and the next time they play together, the conflict will be gone.
As they get older, their conflicts become less and less, and in the process, they learn how to communicate, how to resolve conflicts, and how to make friends and get along with people.
When a child has a conflict, leave a little time and space for the child to encourage them to deal with it themselves. When the child can't handle it, the parents will help solve it.
Instead of shielding your child from the wind and rain right away, give your child self-protection armor.
Of course, while not intervening in the contradictions between children, it is necessary to protect the safety of the child and teach him how to face it bravely.
At the same time, tell the child that if you are beaten, you must tell the other party loudly: "You can't hit me!" ”
If the other party does not listen and continues to fight, then ask the child to "fight back" so that the child has an aura that is not hurt.
There is a parenting verse that says it best: "Conflict is a precious opportunity for children to learn the rules of society." ”
Instead of "strengthening the head" for children, it is more important to teach children to correctly handle conflicts between children.
After all, the road of life, ah, to go by yourself.
Sooner or later, the problems on the child's life path will have to be solved by the child himself, right?
And love, never lies in how much you have done for your child, but on what you have passed on to him, do you agree?
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