"Sensible" and "well-behaved"
It is the highest praise for parents and adults for children
In the growth process of many children, parents will consciously or unconsciously use "good" to measure the quality of a child. At school "Is the child usually obedient?" "It's one of the most concerned issues for parents.
At home, they will always say to their children, "If you want to obey, you will do what you do, and if you don't obey, you will..." Parents will meet with each other, talk about their children, and praise each other, "Your children are really good" and so on.
Children know in their hearts that if they behave "well-behaved", adults will be happy, and if they listen to the words of adults and look at the faces of adults, adults will like themselves and praise themselves for "understanding things".
Parents want their children to listen to their own words and live their lives according to their own wishes. Obedient, well-behaved children are always praised by their families and teachers.
And naughty, rebellious, rebellious children will always be punished and criticized.
In order to get the love and praise of adults, in order to be less punished and scolded, children gradually learn to suppress their real feelings aside, and strive to make that "well-behaved" appearance to make themselves likable.
Many psychoanalysts and healers have concluded that:
● The more "well-behaved" and "sensible" children are when they are young, the more psychological problems they have when they grow up.
● The more rebellious and free children behave when they are young, the more mature their minds tend to be when they grow up.
So why?
Why is the more "well-behaved" the child is when I am a child,
When you grow up, the more psychological problems you have?
There is a mother of a child named "Edamame Mother" who shared her own experience of "well-behaved" children:
"Good" means pleasing adults
Ignore your true self
I vividly remember that when I was young, my grandmother took me out to play. Passing by the candy stall on the side of the road, Grandma pointed and said, "Want it?" I shook my head and said, "I don't want to." Grandma was satisfied and said, "This child is the most well-behaved, and never asks for anything." ”
From the bottom of my heart, the little me actually wants to eat that colorful, sweet and sour candy. However, "sensible" and "well-behaved" were the highest praise for children in that era.
I vaguely knew from my heart that my "good" would make adults happy, so I suppressed my real feelings to the side and tried to make that "good" appearance to make myself pleasing.
When I grew up, I became a tired "rotten good guy" who didn't know how to reject others.
Psychological counselors told me that many children who were very well-behaved when they were young grew up with more psychological problems, the reason is that they meet the wishes of others, get the approval of others as the dominant life, lose the voice of self-expression, ignore their real needs, and their inner depression is very painful.
I still often see elders saying to their children, "I don't like you anymore if you're naughty." Or, "I won't love you anymore." The child blinked his eyes and immediately quieted down to prove that Grandma still loved herself. Every time I see it, my heart is sour, as if I see my young self.
In order to win the love of the caregiver, willing to suppress their true nature, what is the use of such a disguised "well-behaved" child? The times in which we live are different, and such threats continue to play out in our educational life.
"Well-behaved" means
Afraid to express true emotions
There was once a mother who left a message: My child is usually very well-behaved, very smooth when entering kindergarten, no crying, no trouble, but after a week or two, there is a problem of beating people and waking up crying in the middle of the night. Why?
I said bluntly, "It's not so much that your child is obedient and well-behaved as it is that your child is insecure."
Children in normal mood, no one wants to go to kindergarten.
Because the 3-year-old child still does not understand why he goes to kindergarten, he thinks that if he goes to kindergarten, he will not be able to see his parents.
If the child does not cry and does not make trouble, it means that she feels that to be a "well-behaved" child in the eyes of your parents, she cannot cry. She knows that not crying will make you like her more.
In other words, she was suppressing her true inner thoughts. However, the child's feelings can only be vented in other ways. After she went to kindergarten, she loved to beat people and wake up crying in the middle of the night, which was all inner catharsis.
The fact that your child can cry in front of you shows that he is safe enough for you to know that you will accept his emotions as ordered and accepted them all. This kind of unconditional love and nurturing is the basis for the formation of a child's healthy personality.
The more "well-behaved" the child
Independence capacity overd gap
Why is it that "well-behaved" children may excel in school when they are young, but it is those who are naughty and mischievous when they are young who achieve greater success in life? Because, the more "well-behaved" the child, the stronger the attachment, the worse the autonomy.
"Well-behaved" children have too much parental control.
Parents expect us to walk on a path that can be copied and pasted, living an ideal life that everyone agrees with, which is "good children".
The more well-behaved the child, as he grows up, he will go from a "well-behaved" student who does not ask questions, to a "well-behaved" employee who only promises, a "mother-in-law" who emotionally lets his mother-in-law take care of him, and a rotten good person who cannot be completely autonomous in life. From this point of view, people who have achieved high achievements are not "obedient".
Edamame is also a very naughty child, jumping up and down to uncover the tiles, but I will reasonably express my dissatisfaction and never like you like this again!" "For the sake of blackmail.
Because we don't love him because Edamame is "good". We love him as he is.
In the same way, I would like him to make life choices because of his true preferences, rather than sacrificing his feelings to please others.
I would support Edamame's decision and remind him to take responsibility for his decision, instead of "Just be a good child and live according to the life I have shown you." ”
The easier it is to fall behind the times
When we graduated from college, our parents expected us to "take the civil service, latte rice bowl" or "enter monopoly industries such as oil and gas."
However, more than a decade later, people who have become civil servants have lived a dull life unchanged; classmates who went to oil and gas have experienced the depression and layoffs of oil and gas.
Only those "unruly" children who went to Zhongguancun to set up stalls, tossed e-commerce companies, and let their parents break their hearts at that time are now taking advantage of others and have become the trendsetters of the times.
"Good value for money"
Not a positive word
In this era of rapid change, "good" is really not a positive word.
The most essential point: this era is the "post-metaphor era": the times are updated too quickly, and many things are that the predecessors must continue to learn from the younger generations, not just simply listen to the words of the fathers. Unfortunately, there are not many parents who can recognize the limitations of their vision, and most of them still think that the next generation should be "obedient" and take a stable and secure path - the more stable the profession, the more at the expense of innovation ability.
In this era, people are going to go high, where is the iron rice bowl? When others have achieved success, those "well-behaved" children who listen to the guidance of their fathers and generations find that they need to change their career course again in the year of their establishment, and once again painfully adapt to society.
The "obedience" of Chinese parents means using the life experience of predecessors to look at the sky at the bottom of the well to guide the unpredictable and unknowable life of the next generation. There are thousands of goals for raising children, and the worst may be the "well-behaved" child!
After accepting my own growth lessons, I finally let Edamame become a child who cries when he wants to cry, laughs when he wants to laugh, and is healthy and free.
After dinner that day, Edamame came to show me a strangely stacked car, which was originally a car window but piled on the tail, but the front of the car was upside down on the body, and Grandma frowned when she saw it, "Where is the car long like this?" Come, Grandma help you to press the bricks on the album. Edamame refused to obey and continued to pile up functional parts on the body that adults could not understand.
I laughed. It's not a coincidence that the cars are stacked, and the edamame is definitely not well-behaved, but this ugly-looking car, in an era of innovation and exponential change, will surely lead to a future that our generation cannot understand.
Dear child, from now on, you can be angry child, a real child, a child who goes your own way.
Colorful family education
Share scientific children's education knowledge, pass on the concept of professional parent education, provide educational information at home and abroad, share absorbable and operable methods and suggestions, and make continuous learning a habit of the family. Committed to being a professional family education platform, parents in the palm of the education manual. Let you become an excellent parent and make your child's future colorful!
Official account
*This WeChat public account is neutral to all original, reprinted, shared content, statements, and opinion judgments, push articles are for the reader's reference only, and the copyright of published articles, pictures, etc. belongs to the author. If some reprinted works and pictures have the author's source marked incorrectly or involve infringement, please remind the original author and contact the editor to delete it.