Editor's Note:
In life, there is a category of people —
They are very good at turning grief into strength, full of passion and high morale.
Sounds great, doesn't it?
But at the same time, they can easily form a repression of others in the relationship .
His own positive energy is bursting, but the people around him feel powerless.
More typical,
Like some fighting parents in families, the children around them are full of powerlessness;
Or some of the fighting leaders in the enterprise, but the employees at the bottom are despondent.
Why?
Take a look at today's article.
The author | Tianya
Source | Wu Zhihong (ID: wzhxlx)
Once a live show invited a successful entrepreneur to share.
The entrepreneur spoke passionately for 2 hours.
But as a result, the audience did not feel a trace of joy and encouragement.
Instead, they feel deep oppression, despair, and powerlessness.
Why is that?
Because entrepreneurs are transmitting a feeling from beginning to end:
I am strong, optimistic, full of energy, like a heroic warrior to overcome all difficulties, impeccable.
However, in the face of the confusion and powerlessness raised by the audience, he avoided talking about it the whole time and did not respond.
In layman's terms, this is a kind of "self-congratulation".
And in psychology, we call it:
Manic defenses.
What is Manic Defense?
How did it come about?
Let's look at Ms. A's story.
01
Ms. A, 38 years old, has had a rough fate since childhood.
When she was 3 years old, her father died; when she was 4 years old, her mother remarried.
And she was also sent to the home of her strange grandmother, where she was ostracized and abused.
Even if she was sick and had a fever, her aunt would order her to work in the fields.
This is a very bad childhood, under such conditions, children, generally have a variety of psychological problems.
But the young Lady A was strong and optimistic.
One second she was often ruthlessly harassed by her aunt, and the next second, she was like a person who had nothing to do, giggling and playing with her cousin.
It was as if the cruelty of reality had not affected her in the slightest.
This is true in life, and it is also true in learning.
Other children were overwhelmed by the heavy schoolwork, but she was scrappy and had very good grades.
Since high school, he has supported himself on his own through scholarships, bursaries, and work-study.
After graduating from university, she entered a well-known multinational group, and in less than 7 years, she was promoted to vice president of the group by the company.
Coming here, you may not be able to help but sigh:
Such a strong life, it is difficult to have anything else that can crush her!
No.
This is not the whole picture of Ms. A's life.
At the age of 31, she gave birth to a daughter and officially became a mother.
Children are typical high-demand babies, crying, sensitive, and extremely emotionally unstable.
As long as I leave my mother's arms, I will keep crying, and I can't coax it well...
For the vast majority of parents, this is a very hard and grinding job.
But Ms. A is full of energy and energy—
Non-stop sign-up for a series of parenting courses, like breaking barriers, constantly "dealing" with daughters in various ways.
She even became a "parenting expert" – often posting online about parenting, attracting many fans.
But over the years, as the daughter became more and more "normal", the mother-daughter relationship became more and more estranged.
Often as soon as she saw her mother, her daughter ran away like a plague god.
During this period, Ms. A tried all kinds of methods, but failed to ease the relationship.
After being suggested by a friend, she took her daughter to the psychiatric hospital for evaluation.
02
In the face of the doctor, Ms. A is still very positive and optimistic-
Constantly share their experience in raising their daughters, full of a sense of accomplishment.
At that time, the doctor asked her:
"Your daughter has so many problems and is living so painfully that I am curious:
Why don't you feel a little bit of negative emotion, it's all positive energy? ”
She paused for a moment and immediately replied:
"I've always been like this."
Coming here, I think you have already found:
Ms. A's strong optimism seems to be a bit excessive.
When the average person encounters misfortune, it is inevitable that they will feel sad, troubled, and even depressed;
But in Ms. A, there is only positive energy, and negative emotions do not exist.
This is typical of manic defenses.
It is a positive, optimistic, energetic state that people develop under trauma in order to avoid depression.
But its essence, not real happiness, but the isolation of emotions, the denial of sadness —
It is like a very hard shell, wrapping trauma and suffering layer by layer with positive energy.
For example, the young Ms. A.
He experienced the death of his father, the remarriage of his mother, and the bullying and abuse in his grandmother's house.
Any one of these events, for a young child, is a major traumatic event that can cause deep sadness and fear.
But where there is a dependency behind it, the child may have cried and cried and made a big fuss a long time ago.
But unfortunately, Ms. A has always been alone and has no one to rely on.
Behind her strong and optimistic appearance, it is not "pleasure and enjoyment", but a deep "powerlessness and fear".
With a desire to escape from the harsh reality, to invest energy into learning, to keep running, to fight non-stop....
But wrapped in layers of armor, the pain, fear and despair in her heart were never seen.
She couldn't even feel it herself.
In the hospital, the doctor listened to her story and responded gently:
It sounds like you've always been like a warrior, fighting again and again, and you've fought beautifully in every battle.
But you yourself are getting more and more exhausted, and there seems to be a lot of sad tears, a lot of sadness behind this...
At that moment, Ms. A suddenly froze, unable to return to her senses for a long time...
03
Psychologist Bion said:
When a person experiences suffering, if he does not experience and feel, he will not feel pain.
In this way, he projects pain onto the other side of the relationship or passes it on to the next generation.
Ms. A's story, like an enlarged mirror, reflects the shadow of many people's growth.
We may not have had such a tragic childhood, but we have most likely had similar emotional experiences, namely:
Pain is not seen, sadness is not accepted, a feeling of helplessness.
Some children are thus trapped in the swamp of depression, surrounded by deep powerlessness and despair;
And some children, like Ms. A, go into manic defenses—
Very positive, very energetic, very successful in studying and working.
Even sometimes, it is regarded as a model and example of success by the outside world.
And once in a relationship, the manic defender tends to appear very isolated and indifferent.
You can't feel your own pain, nor do you feel the pain of others.
It's like Ms. A facing her daughter.
Like a warrior, she constantly solves the problems presented by her daughter;
But she did not feel the weakness and pain behind her daughter's series of symptoms.
On the surface, the problems are solved one by one;
But in reality, what a child needs most may be a warm hug to connect with his mother.
And Ms. A's emotional neglect again and again has invisibly hurt her daughter and aggravated her pain.
The same is true of the entrepreneurs mentioned at the beginning of the article.
He passionately tells inspirational stories.
Tell how you have overcome all the difficulties and become successful.
But they don't feel the audience's predicament at all.
All this undoubtedly exacerbates the audience's sense of powerlessness, and it is difficult to form a resonance.
Perhaps what the audience needs most is a sincere understanding and response.
Looking around, it's not hard to see:
This is not a small exception, but a microcosm of what many people in our time share.
When they were young, they had not yet learned to cry, and they were forced to grow up.
When they grow up, they are very capable;
But in the relationship, it is like a baby, weak and powerless, full of isolation, unable to establish a connection with others.
04
Of course, not all strong and optimistic people have manic defenses.
It's not hard to really identify:
See if he dares to show his vulnerability and sadness.
For example, some of the "super bullies" or "workaholics" in life.
They often suffer misfortune just a second ago, break up with a lover, a loved one falls ill or dies...
In the next second, you can immediately devote yourself to study and work with passion, and you can't see the fluctuations in your emotions at all.
Most of these people have activated the manic defense.
The vitality he shows is only a false optimism, not a heartfelt pleasure.
Usually working with this type of person, it is difficult for you to feel the resonance of energy and passion;
Instead, you will feel deep despair and powerlessness, because they are like never-ending machines that never respond to your emotional needs.
And if, in your daily life, you often unconsciously use manic defenses, then I will sincerely invite you:
Try to stay in the chaos for a while, to be aware and feel your true existence.
Try to see your true emotions.
Whether it's fear, fear or trepidation;
Or sadness, pain and despair...
When we are young, we often fantasize about it as a terrifying monster, activate layers of defenses, and constantly flee to avoid being hurt by it.
But now, we have grown up and have enough maturity and wisdom to coexist with it.
From this you may find:
The monsters in our past illusions do not exist.
The true emotions within us, they will arise and dissipate, and they will not really hurt you.
We are safe.
When we really realize this, we can put down our defenses and stay where we are.
The blue sky overhead, rooted in the earth, connected with the people and things around you, experience the relaxation and pleasure of the heart.
Write at the end
Finally, I would like to clarify one point:
I am not writing this to deny or critique defense mechanisms.
On the contrary, to a certain extent, I am glad that it exists —
It is a survival strategy that people have to choose in order to protect themselves in a difficult situation.
But at the same time, it is also a kind of self-limitation.
It is like a thick shell, wrapping the most authentic emotions and needs of people's hearts layer by layer.
After understanding the heavy sadness behind various defenses, I have a deep feeling:
Many times, we are not without tears, but we are afraid to cry, or we do not know how to cry.
Today, we have grown up and have the power of adulthood.
You can try to let go of your defenses a little bit, reconnect and nourish the weak and helpless self in your heart, and empower him.
This becomes more authentic, complete and unashamed.
Finally, may we all be ones who see our own tears.
I would like to write this article to encourage you.
Author: Tianya, Psychology Major, South China Normal University, Sheep Talk APP Talk Teacher; Editor: Chen Shen shen.