Author of Haruhishi |
Plain trees, green oranges | edited
Patrick porto | source
Recently, in Huanggang, Hubei Province, a 10-year-old girl wanted to jump off a building.
Fortunately, the security guard found it in time and rescued him.
After being rescued, the police have been patiently comforting her, but the girl's mood has always been unstable.
It was hard to wait for the girl's mother to arrive, and I thought it would be all right.
Who knows, the mother not only did not appease, but broke her mouth and scolded.
The girl cried even more brokenly.
The police were stunned and rushed to stop "Why are you so fierce to your daughter!" ”
You know, for a child, suicide is the highest intensity of self-aggression.
It is also a person's aggression towards the outside that cannot be released for a long time, resulting in turning inward and turning into self-destruction.
You know, ants are still greedy, not to mention a young life that is blooming.
Unless there is despair about the future and the world, there is no one who can make them feel that "alive" is worth it.
A child who is bent on death has been pulled back and returned to this world of light.
However, in the face of the mother's anger, accusations, curses...
It is hard to imagine what kind of horror the child will experience in his heart at that moment; what kind of distortion he must turn himself into in order to continue to survive in this cruel world.
Today, One Psychology will talk to you about: children in desperate situations, and parents who are worse off.
Broken containers for parents,
Not to solve the problem, but to solve the child
When visiting Zhihu, I saw a netizen who said:
"When I was a child, every time I had a cold, my father would yell at me very angrily when he knew, and then he would scold me for wearing less (although I didn't wear less at all), scolding me for not drinking hot water and not eating vegetables (although I had both drunk and eaten), and all kinds of reasons.
Obviously, it's already very uncomfortable..."
Once the child has an unexpected situation, the parents themselves will first collapse and rage, not to mention comfort the child.
Such parents are not uncommon.
Actress Shu once mentioned in an interview that when she was 15 years old, she accidentally suffered a car accident.
At that time, she looked very miserable, her collarbone, shoulders, knees, arms, everywhere was injured.
It's the degree to which everyone will be distressed.
However, when she returned home, her mother, instead of being distressed, broke out and scolded.
When recalling this past, the female star who has always been calm in tone suddenly became excited:
"I just thought, I'm already very pathetic, okay?" Why are you still scolding me? ”
After many years, her expression was still confused and hurt.
When the child has a problem.
There is a class of parents who can't have normal empathy and processing skills, but feel huge, extinct out of control.
And this loss of control is "triggered" by the child, so instead of solving the child's problem first, it is directly solving the child.
Such parents lose the most important and basic function of the container as parents.
What is a "container"?
Simply put, it is a person's inner psychological space.
In a relationship, the person with a good container function can catch the negative emotions of the other party.
Then, with understanding, love and acceptance, this emotion is "detoxified" and a positive energy is also produced.
Just like a counselor to a client, a parent to a young child.
But some parents, in their own right, are broken containers.
When the child encounters setbacks, the first thing parents see is not the child's feelings, but the waves of anxiety, anger and powerlessness that are stirred up in their hearts by the out-of-control situation.
Their first urgent need is to pour out this intolerable emotion:
"No day is too much trouble! How come I didn't kill you?! ”
"I told you earlier about blablabla... Who lets you make yourself..."
Children, on the other hand, become containers for parents to pour out anxiety.
He slowly learned that in his parents, everything negative was not allowed, and he learned to suppress it.
Don't know where you are uncomfortable, suppress it.
Know where you are uncomfortable, don't say it, suppress it.
Children are "well-behaved" and parents are "worry-free", and there seems to be nothing wrong with it.
But can such a peaceful situation really be maintained forever?
"Why can't anyone else, just me?!"
The psychoanalyst Bion said: The nature of relationships, who projects anxiety to whom, who undertakes anxiety for whom.
In a healthy relationship, the strong (parents) will try to accommodate the anxiety of the weak (children);
In a sick relationship, the strong vent their anxieties to the weak.
If the child turns upside down as a container for parents, use an immature mind to digest the parents' anxiety while suppressing their emotions.
In the long run, what are the impacts on children?
a. Distrust your parents and don't say anything
When doing family counseling, I often hear parents complain that children don't say anything to themselves and "don't kiss" themselves.
What troubles there is, do not tell;
The body is sick and does not tell;
What happened outside, don't tell...
Is it like parents say, "cold by nature" and "impersonal"?
In fact, the child is unwilling to say anything to his parents because he knows that after saying it, the parents are likely to react:
"Whoever made you not listen to me deserves it"
"How are you so stupid"
"How no one else is XXX, just you XXX"...
After being punched outside, who wants to come home and be stabbed again?
b. Internalize the voice of the parent, it is very easy to blame yourself
As we mentioned earlier, the confidant who will be yelled at by his father as long as he has a cold, his answer has a message below:
"I understand you, the same parents." Even if my bones were cracked and I was shaking with pain, they would scold me first, saying that I was a scourge and that I was unconscious. ”
Needless to say, this is also typical of parents with missing container functionality.
And when she grows up, whether she is sick or injured, she will hate herself at the first time and blame herself for why she is sick.
Then, feel deeply ashamed of your own vulnerability.
From this pattern, it can be seen that she has internalized the blame of her parents and formed a stable cognition:
"I'm just a nasty, troublesome person who can cause trouble and drag others down."
In the future, when getting along with others, this model will also be used, and there can be no trouble at all, and no vulnerability can be revealed.
Once there is, the idea is not to ask for help, not to rely on, but how to hide, so as not to attract disgust.
Such a person, people around her often feel that she is very independent, very powerful, in fact, this is not strong, but distrust - do not believe that someone can make themselves completely dependent, do not believe that anyone can really rely on.
And continue to dig, and you can see despair behind the distrust, and the despair that you can't rely on thousands of times.
c. Dare not use others, do not believe that others are stable
A friend of mine is particularly afraid of troublesome others:
Ask people for directions, others do not explain clearly, but he will never ask again, but pretend to know how to go, and then ask the next passerby;
The spoon is a little dirty, find a restaurant waiter to change one, in exchange for it is still not clean, he no longer calls people, but silently uses.
All along, he was envious of those who continued to ask questions if they didn't understand, and he also wanted to be those who dared to ask until they were satisfied.
But when it comes to myself, I just can't do it.
He told me that any little accident that happened to him from childhood to adulthood — from a physical fall to a bowl smashed to the ground — was a complete disaster for his parents.
Parents will jump up at the first time, like a volcanic eruption, scolding with their heads covered, but without half a concern and comfort.
Little children, do not understand why this thing is terrible, but the adult reaction is terrible.
The shattered appearance of his parents' container deeply frightened him.
So decades later, he was still deeply worried about whether the container of "others" was stable enough, whether it had the strength, and whether it could be used by him.
Under this deep concern and suspicion, he never dared to "use" others.
I always feel that others are like parents, and if you touch them, they will explode.
Reality, much stronger than parents
We often say that parents should be a safe base for their children.
What is a safe base?
Spatially speaking, it is the first place you want to go when you feel vulnerable;
Relationship-wise, it's the first person you want to meet and want to be by your side all the time when you have an emotional breakdown.
A safe base is like a place where soldiers can retreat and resupply after a rout on the front line. It is a small island that will not sink, and it is the last harbor and defense line of a person's soul.
But in reality, how many parents are enough to be a safe base for their children?
Or do you take it for granted that you use your child as your own container?
If you've also suffered from all this, remember:
It's not your fault that you're cold, it's not your fault that you're hurt, it's not your fault that you didn't get the love and care of your parents.
From now on, you can give yourself everything that your parents have not given you.
Remember the netizens who were still scolded by their families when they had broken bones, and once they were injured or sick when they grew up, they would blame themselves fiercely?
Once, she looked at her haggard self in the mirror and suddenly realized: No one loves me, if I scold myself, won't I really be saved?
"I'm 30 years old, I'm rich, I can go to the doctor when I'm sick, why should I feel like the end of the world?"
Look, this is awakening.
This is the beginning of getting out of the shadow of your parents and being kind to yourself.
Of course, there is a more important thing, that is, to break your own stereotypes at the level of reality, especially in relationships, and expand the size of the container in your heart.
For example, if you are sick/injured, want to ask someone for help, or want to rely on the other person.
When imagining this scene in your mind, you will unconsciously be very afraid, thinking that others will be broken, will collapse, or will be angry and humiliate yourself.
But in fact, you have not confirmed with others, the whole process is just a game of your own mind.
In reality, if you trouble others, you will find that the other party does not care and is even happy to help you.
Sometimes, the outside world is much more tolerant and stronger than parents. But it's also a matter of trying again and again in relationships to experience it.
Be brave and invest in it.
In this process, it is inevitable that there will be injuries and pains.
But the day you wait for a new experience, the day you overwrite the old memories, is when you break through the cocoon.
New year, come on.
The world and I love you.
References:
"A 10-year-old girl who wanted to jump off a building was rescued, but was scolded by her mother in public" Tencent News
"The Amazing Me" Chen Haixian
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About author:Haruki, Master of Psychology, young mother. A patient listener and recorder in the world. Personal Public Account & Knowledge Planet: Sunny Shore Psychology