"Rebellion is not the child's fault" - reading notes guide to share

This text number is 5166 and the estimated reading time is 12 minutes.

The book shared today is Rebel is Not a Child's Fault.

The author, Jeffrey Bernstein, Dr. Bernstein is a practicing psychologist and internationally recognized expert on children, adolescents and families, who has focused on child and family counseling for 27 years and has helped more than 2,000 rebellious children and their families rebuild good parent-child relationships and recreate a warm family life. He is the author of 5 bestsellers in the parenting and relationship category.

This book specifically proposes solutions for children's rebellious behavior, conducts an in-depth analysis of the causes of rebellious behavior, tells us which mistakes and parenting methods will cause children to rebel, and allows parents to adjust their parenting methods step by step on the basis of understanding children's behavior and psychological characteristics, so as to gain a sense of control over education, improve parent-child relationships, and let children grow up healthier and happier.

1

What is rebellion

Children's rebellion is a headache for many parents, and rebellious children have some common characteristics: they are very prone to tantrums, moodiness, and almost always refuse what adults ask them to do. Their biggest problem is their unwillingness to accept adult authority. At this time, you need to really understand your child. Only by giving up control of the child can you gain more control; only by not forcing the child to obey, the child will begin to listen to you.

You may have tried ignoring him for a while; making a schedule; rewarding tables and posting little red flowers; ways to be too soft or too tough. None of these strategies work because rebellious children lack mature emotional feelings, can't handle setbacks rationally, and can't learn from mistakes.

Once you truly understand your child and learn not to take what the child says as something he should personally face, then things are much easier to handle.

If your child is experiencing severe violence or symptoms of depression and depression, it is recommended to seek help from a professional. But for all families, learning the methods of these ten days is helpful

1. Motives for rebellion

On the first day you first have to grasp why the child is rebellious? First figure out why the child is rebellious and why he is doing it. To know that no matter what the reason, there are always some reasons that can cause the child to rebel, and we must first understand the reasons that cause the child to rebel.

For example, if the child is rejected by his peers, and the friends do not play with him and isolate him, this will make him rebellious. Children encounter difficulties in learning, and learning difficulties will also lead to his inferiority and lead to his rebellion. Then the relationship with the parents deteriorates, such as the father's alcoholism and the mother's violent means, which can lead to rebellion. Or external trauma, such as sexual harassment, can cause a child to be rebellious and so on.

These reasons can cause children to become rebellious. But in the final analysis, the core is that all rebellious children do not know how to control their thoughts and emotions, they are helpless, there is a lot of resentment and anger to vent, he does not know how to face it. So that's when parents become particularly important, and you need to remember that you're not alone. Because a large number of families have the problem of rebellion. As long as you stick to it, it will definitely change.

Second, identify your positive behavior as a parent. Check out how well you as a parent behave in these areas.

smile

blink

Pat the child

Standing very close

Say "I love you"

Eye contact

embrace

shake hands

Attend school meetings

Give praise

Give compliments

Urge to attend classes

Give rewards

Schedule a birthday party

nod

Urged to participate in the event

For the above, every time you do one, give yourself a positive evaluation. When you do all of the above, even if your child doesn't verbally admit it, he will be very happy and grateful in his heart. Then, we look at the negative behavior of parents.

roar

jeer

Irony and sarcasm

Scolding

neglect

nag

sermon

interrupt

humiliate

Stuck in the past

criticize

Trigger guilt

Irritating provocation

lie

Gossip with other parents

belittle

Throw things away

Negative feelings

No patience

Unrealistic expectations

If you check out many of the above behaviors you have a share in, don't be too upset. We parents are not saints, of course we will make mistakes, and we will show some negative parenting behavior (some more) and try to minimize it in the future. The best way to change your parenting attitude and behavior in a good direction is to start taking good care of yourself.

Take the time to do stress-relieving things: exercise, have lunch with a friend who supports you, watch comedy movies, and use your partner as your ally. You go out together and can talk about anything but rebellious kids. Don't be too anxious and worry that rebellion may put your child in a more dangerous or difficult situation in the future. If you follow the advice made in this book to make a positive change in your parenting attitude and behavior, your child's rebellious behavior will be addressed.

2) Understand rebellious children

It is important for parents to understand their children, and we as parents always focus on the external behavior of our children, which leads us to ignore the inner psychology of our children. Understanding is one of the most effective ways to break the difficult family pattern.

First, listening is key. We don't listen with criticism, don't always say how you should be, but listen to the child's ideas. So how do you really listen? First, keep eye contact. It is that you have eye contact with the child, listen patiently to the child, and ask more open-ended questions. Love alone is not enough, and if you do not express understanding, the child will not feel your love. Second, eliminate distractions. Many parents are distracted when their children talk, for example, playing on their phones and watching TV. Doing so will only make the child more upset.

2

Educational misconceptions

Many parents will have a lot of misunderstandings in the process of education, let's see if you have ever had this situation?

1. Yelling

Don't yell at your child. Because this kind of education will make children learn from each other. Children may be physically attacked, verbally abused, or cowardly, and may lack positive behavior. This kind of shouting will make the child feel particularly lonely and afraid.

Yelling can't change anyone, including yourself. The reason you're yelling is to express your anger, and you can tell your child that I'm angry right now, and I have to deal with my emotions before I do my own thing. The reason for identifying the yelling is the key to solving the problem, which is that you first have to figure out why you are yelling? So the main reason for parents shouting comes first and foremost from the reaction of being strongly frustrated. I think how I'm so incompetent, how I can't even figure it out, it's a setback.

So, first you have to learn to be a listener and calm yourself down through understanding. Use whispers instead of yelling. The smaller the sound to educate the child, the more powerful it is, and it will be easier for him to listen to it than if you shout loudly.

2. Avoid power struggles

If you're fighting for power with rebellious kids, you're going to end up in a lose-lose situation, and you're going to be even worse. When you learn how to avoid winning or losing with rebellious children, your child's rebellious behavior will become less and less. What is a power struggle? It is this that the child thinks he has the right to do so, but the parents think that the child must listen to the parents.

What is the driving force behind the power struggle of rebellious children? It's because they have unrealistic expectations of what rights they have, and they think they're equal to their parents. So after the power struggle, he will feel strongly that you don't love him. The most important tool to avoid power struggles is unconditional love, which is that no matter what happens, you let your child know that mom and dad will always love you. Only by doing so will you find that there is no need for a power struggle between you and your child, and any problems you encounter can be resolved through joint consultation.

So how to avoid power struggles? First, change your mindset. Remember the following three sentences:

1, deal with the child, do not manipulate him, but to empower him to feel good about himself;

2) When you express your views and beliefs calmly and decisively, your child is more likely to listen;

3) No adult has ever said that they had a terrible childhood because their parents understood them too well.

Second, learn to give your child choice. Even if your control of your child is successful, it is still making your child more and more estranged from you. Tell your child the results of different choices, calmly and firmly make specific demands, rather than power struggles.

3

How to strengthen your child's positive transformation

All of these strategies we have so far spoken of are concerned with preventing and avoiding rebellious behavior in children. So, do we have any different strategies? That is to focus on how to encourage children to take more positive behaviors.

1. Praise the child

Many parents will be stingy with verbal rewards, but instead bribe with substances. Bribing a child with substances will make the child not find the feeling of performing well and will only want a reward. In fact, the most powerful reward a parent gives to a child is simple and costless – it's verbal praise. The following questions to note when praising your child:

1. The attitude of praise should be sincere

2, the same thing should not be mentioned too many times

3. Tell the truth when praising

4, praise as fast as possible

5, praise should be diversified and opportunity to carry out

6, do not skimp on praise.

Praise can create miracles and can penetrate layers of obstacles. Of course, you can give your child a gift as a reward while praising, and when giving verbal rewards, follow these six steps:

1) Understand what your child will value

2. Let the child participate in the design of the reward pool

3) Don't let material rewards replace verbal rewards

4. Rewards should be given while adhering to good behavior

5, to be unexpected

6. The promised reward should be done.

2. Rely on discipline

The child is praised, and an intimate relationship with you is established, and he gradually shows up with a lot of correct behavior, and then you have to rely on discipline to restrain. There are some things that need to be restrained, and the most reliable discipline is love and understanding. It is when a person feels the love and understanding of his parents, he will not easily foul. So sometimes unrepentantness is a way for rebellious children to disguise themselves.

If he is particularly in need of attention from his parents, feels incompetent, wants revenge, is full of jealousy, feels scared, or even feels unwell, these may lead to rebellious behavior. Therefore, the regular use of this kind of consequence punishment is often ineffective, because the child has gradually adapted to this intensity. Over time, in order to achieve a certain effect, parents will become more and more severe, this punishment will escalate, or even lose control, while the child's fear, resentment, and pain will drown out their potential to learn. So the correct answer is that you should learn to empathize so that you can make your child bear the consequences and be out of control.

For example, the method of control, "You hit your sister, obviously you can't control yourself, give me up and immediately roll back to my room!" Non-controlled: "I'm worried that you hit your sister. I want you to go back to your room and think about your actions. When everyone has calmed down, we will discuss this matter. ”

Therefore, there are some precautions when discipline: First, words and deeds should be consistent. Second, punish your child as soon as he or she commits misconduct. Thirdly, there is a willingness to negotiate. Fourth, involve children as much as possible when making family rules. Fifth, help your child understand the rules and the consequences of breaking them. Sixth, respond privately. Seventh, tell your child how much you love him. What he didn't like was his behavior, not himself.

3. Mobilize the support of your family

You want to bring your family together, for example, your spouse, the elderly, or other siblings, all of whom can join. Parents should form an alliance, and the relationship between husband and wife should be far superior to that of parent-child relationship. In a family, the relationship between husband and wife is much more important than the parent-child relationship, in order to educate the children, husband and wife quarrel, which is the most unworthy thing. And if the relationship between the two of you is not good, the child will first feel insecure, and he will feel afraid first.

Then let the family be happy, such as the whole family watching movies together, the whole family doing jigsaw puzzles, the whole family doing Lego, the whole family guessing anagrams, and a spring picnic, which are all good ways to do family building. Mobilizing the support of your family, even single-parent families, can also get rid of your child's rebellion. The way is to get more support from friends and family, so that everyone can be involved.

4

How to reduce your child's rebellion

So how can we make you more flexible with your child's teachers and others to help your child reduce rebellious behavior at school? You can appear as a counselor rather than a presumptuous parent, so that you can help your child achieve the best in school.

1. Deal with the problem of rebellion

Sometimes children behave differently at home and at school, such as arguing and fighting with classmates and teachers at school. Some people skip class, or some people do not do homework, etc., do not participate in class activities or do not want to go to school, skip school. Then the influence of a teacher on a student's self-perception is enormous, so it is difficult for rebellious students to adapt and manage their frustrations and other emotions. They usually attack teachers and classmates who make them feel threatened or have no contact. So rebellious children keep telling themselves and others that their teachers are unfair as a way to confirm their feelings.

So, when you go to school to deal with your child's problems, do the following:

1. Maintain a calm, resolute and non-controlling attitude

2. Be proactive and learn more about the situation

3. Participate in it and become a partner in solving problems

4. Communicate with knowledgeable people or professionals for advice

5. Have a clear understanding of what you want

6. Tell the teacher what he needs to know about your child

7. Praise the teacher

8. Support the work of the school without getting annoyed.

Among them, the teacher is very critical. Teachers can affect a child's self-esteem. If the teacher affirms and supports the student, they can help the student and make the student full of good expectations for his future life. Rebellious children need teachers who can help them.

Teachers can profoundly affect a child's self-esteem: a student's self-esteem in the classroom is related to their motivation to learn and academic performance. Teachers can help students improve their self-esteem through their tone of voice, praise, concern, and empathetic listening. If you can improve the self-esteem of students (including rebellious children), you can help them realize that they are accepted, which will make them feel that they are valuable and different, so as to cultivate a sense of responsibility.

2. Overcome stubborn obstacles

What does a stubborn disorder mean? For example, children's attention deficit, ADHD, learning disabilities, depression, mania, anxiety, alcohol abuse, drug problems, health problems, etc., in these situations we must teach children some knowledge of mental health. Also be sure to seek the help of professionals and psychologists.

We need to reduce rebellious behavior in the long run. How do you do that? It is important to remember that the child's rebellion may be repeated, and his recent period of good may reappear after a while. When the child tests your patience with rebellion, please do not lose faith and persevere. Don't panic, keep moving forward, admit your shortcomings, stay away from the trap of passivity and questioning, always be lenient with your children, and invite teachers and family members to participate together. Finally, don't neglect your own spare time, when you have a wonderful life, your child will really feel safe.

Don't try to use power to make him bend into a confession, the more you do it, the more serious his rebellious behavior will become. So the best way to deal with rebellion is to understand why he is rebellious, listen to him, respect him, give him the right to choose, and work with him to make rules about what we should do. Praise him, see his strengths, affirm him, and help him shape more correct ways of behaving. The most important thing is to avoid power struggles, parents and children should not be a relationship of power struggle, parents should be the role of helping children. So when children worship their parents and like their parents, children are more willing to be with you, so love is always the most important thing.