If you make a leaderboard and vote for the education problems that most bother parents, I guess, "children are too tired" is estimated to be able to enter the top ten.
Grinding, seemingly a major stubborn disease, from the age of four or five to adolescence, sweeping all ages, many parents have headaches for this, there is nothing they can do.
I have a lot to say about this, and I may not be able to write 10,000 words, because I used to have a headache for a long time, until I started learning and trying to make changes.
From being helpless to gradually getting better, this way, I have a lot of experience.
The "grinding-urging" model used to be staged every day in our family: getting up in the morning, urging homework after school, urging sleep at night, three times a day, and playing on a loop every day.
Take the matter of getting up in the morning, every morning, when my son is woken up, I hurry to prepare breakfast.
Often when I was busy for a while, when I entered the house, I saw that my clothes were only half dressed, and people were still sitting on the bed in a daze, and they were wandering around!
"Hurry up, hurry up." The first time I urged, I could still do it with the wind and drizzle.
It was so easy to get out of bed, turn around and see the cat, and then go to tease the cat.
"Brush your teeth and wash your face!" What time do you look? There is also work to tease the cat to play! ”
Finally, the washing was finished and breakfast was served. Eating every morning is a big project, and you have to grind and eat for half a day. Seeing that it was almost time for school, the child had only eaten half of it, and it was a rush.
From getting up to going out, the child only needs to do a few things in total, and one hand can count them, but I need to constantly remind and give instructions:
Did you fold the quilt? No. ------------
Do you have a school bag? No. ------------
Shovel cat litter? No. ------------
......
With each urging, my anger jumped up one point, and at the end, I often used the roar to finalize this "urging" symphony.
This morning came down, making adults irritable and annoyed, and children depressed. The next day, however, history repeats itself...
I really realized that urging wouldn't solve the problem, and one night, as usual, I urged my son to go to bed. The second time, he was still playing on the couch, his mouth promised, and his body did not move.
At this time, a thought suddenly ran out: what time to go to bed, said so many times, such a big child, he actually knew.
If I continue to push on like this, the end result is that he will only judge whether to go to sleep based on the number of times I urge and the degree of anger, rather than he really realizes that it is time to go to sleep.
In short, he himself does not generate an internal rhythm of when to do something, and only relies on the behavior of others as a criterion for judgment.
Day after day, from morning to night, I kept pushing, and eventually he lost control of himself.
It can't be pushed any further.
The first thing I did was to control my mouth and control myself not to urge, not to nag.
One night, I deliberately controlled myself from urging my son to sleep. I wanted to see what would happen if I didn't rush.
That night, I endured and endured, and several times I swallowed back to my mouth.
The end result was that, at his own pace, he was only ten minutes behind his usual bedtime.
Urging or not urging, only ten minutes away, I urge over and over again, how meaningful is it?
I developed a sense of meaninglessness in my constant urging.
Moreover, we urge, in fact, do not believe that the child has the ability to control himself, do not believe that he can manage himself - a vigorous urge to return to him like this, if not urged, not sure what kind of rubbing!
However, the more the urging, the child becomes immune to the urging.
At that time, the routine urging has not worked, and the child will think: Well, the adult has just started to urge, it seems that the time is still early, you can still play for a while.
Until the use of heavyweight "urging + anger", the child knows: Well, this is really coming back, it seems that it is time.
Slowly, the urging adults and the rubbing children unconsciously formed a tacit understanding:
Don't urge - don't move; small urge - small move; roar urge - move.
So, the first step that needs to be changed is to stop urging and nagging, give the little bud of self-control a little time, and let it slowly break through the ground and grow.
This waiting process is actually quite a test of patience.
Maybe the child is used to being urged, all of a sudden no one cares, there will be a rebound, the rubbing situation will be more serious, it is also normal, we need more patience and guidance to the child.
The second thing is to clarify the boundaries between parents and children, distinguish whose business it is, let the children make their own decisions, and cultivate his sense of autonomy.
Every time I can't help but want to urge my child, I will remind myself: Are these things that urge children to do my business or my children's business? If it's a child's business, he's not in a hurry, so why should I be in a hurry than him?
Thinking like this, the mentality is much more relaxed, and it is not easy to be impatient.
There is a very simple criterion for judging whose business it is, that is, to see who bears the consequences of this matter - who bears it, it is whose business.
Obviously, getting up, doing homework, going to bed, these are all the children's own business.
However, urging and urging, becoming a parent more anxious than a child, it seems to have become a matter for parents.
Taking into account things that should be the responsibility of children themselves is actually a manifestation of unclear boundaries, and many educational problems originate from unclear boundaries.
Parents cross the line, the child naturally retreats backwards, and eventually becomes the parent dominating the child, the child loses the ability to be autonomous, and is accustomed to following the instructions in a loud urge.
Picking up the kids on the way home from school was our chat time. After starting to make changes, I added one more thing.
I'll ask him how much homework he has, how long he plans to finish it, what he plans to do when he goes back tonight, and let him arrange his own time for the evening.
Such a dialogue will make him consciously have a rough arrangement for the allocation of time in the evening - planned and unplanned, arranged by parents and arranged by himself, the two feel different, and the child's initiative is also different.
When talking about such topics, I will pay attention to maintaining a relaxed and free atmosphere, just like talking about other interesting topics, my son will not feel the pressure from me.
If you say it in the tone of a request or a command, the effect may be diametrically opposed.
The third thing is to use behavior to guide behavior. Criticism and education will not solve the problem, and reprimanding and scolding will not solve the problem, but will only lead to more problems.
Practice has proved that criticism education and urging, the effect is very limited, the real effective, is that parents use actions to guide children, in specific things let him experience the different results of rubbing and not rubbing.
In response to my son's morning rubbing problem, my father and I tried a lot of methods.
After continuous exploration and improvement, the current practice is as follows:
It is more appropriate to suggest that he go out a few minutes a few minutes, and we will pack up Liso before this and wait for him in the living room, without urging or shouting. When he packs up, he goes out again.
Will I be late for school? Maybe. Then he can only accept the consequences of being late.
If I go out late and don't criticize or get angry, I'll click on him on the road:
You see, if we come out ten minutes late, we will be stuck in the road for a long time, and if we don't get it right, we will be late. Tomorrow we will try to come out ten minutes early, and you can still go to school early to play for a while.
There have been such a few times, and the child will slowly have a number of ideas about when to go out.
Sometimes, you may wish to make up your mind and let your child bear the consequences of the rubbing.
We urge the child, the original intention is to help him avoid the consequences of grinding: late for school, not completing homework, being criticized by the teacher...
At our urging, there is always a sense of surprise, and on the surface, we help the children, but in fact, we deprive them of the right to take responsibility for their own actions.
Just let him be late once or twice, and be criticized by the teacher twice, and he will know that he is in a hurry. Fall on the heel, next time will pay attention to the road.
It was always my parents who took me around the potholes, and I never learned to see the road by myself - anyway, my parents led me.
The fourth thing is to pay attention to cultivating children's concept of time.
A very important reason for the child's rubbing is that there is not much concept of time, and it is easy to have such a situation: your side has been burning with fire, and he is still wandering there.
My son likes to listen to stories for a while before going to bed, and always listens to one to listen to. Later, I discussed with him, only listened to 5 minutes, and set a 5-minute alarm for him.
I remember the first time I set up an alarm, when the bell rang, he said in amazement: Ah, 5 minutes is so short?
That's how the kid is, when he doesn't have much of a concept of time, you say to him: Hurry up, there are still 5 minutes to go and be late! He had no idea how long 5 minutes were, thinking it was still early, of course, he was not in a hurry.
To cultivate the child's concept of time, you can use the alarm clock to remind him how long it took, slowly, how long it takes to do something, and the child will have a number in his heart.
Fifth, be more patient, be a little more.
You know, the child is rubbing, sometimes is accumulating inner strength to face what he is not willing to do.
Did you find it?
The things that a child rubs are generally things he is reluctant to do: get up, write homework, sleep, do housework...
Instead of letting them hang out, eat good food, watch TV, which kid have you ever seen grinding? They all ran to do it as soon as they slipped a cigarette, and they couldn't catch it.
Sometimes, in the face of difficulties or unwilling to do things, the child seems to be rubbing, but in fact, he is doing a buffer and accumulating inner strength to face.
Some children will play with the gadgets at hand for a while when they encounter problems with homework, slow down, and then continue to do it.
In the eyes of adults, this is rubbing.
At this time, you need to wait patiently, don't rush to urge, disrupt the rhythm of the child.
If you play for too long, just remind you a little.
Think about it, when we adults encounter problems, won't we also put it aside, brush our mobile phones for a while, eat something, and regroup and face it again?
It's the same with children.
These five things, from realization to doing, took me months.
The change happens unconsciously bit by bit, and every time I see my son make a small improvement, I will respond positively in time to strengthen his behavior.
Now, the morning in my house is generally like this:
When the son gets up, he will complete a series of prescribed actions on his own: dressing, folding the quilt, shoveling cat litter, washing. Eat slowly, sometimes reminding him that he has a few minutes to go out.
The bag is packed the night before and checked again for leftovers. We packed up and would be waiting for him.
Occasionally he moves faster than us and will come to us with some small pride.
Sometimes he will be a little bit abrasive, sometimes he will stay for a while, which is normal in my eyes, and at most it will remind him to pay attention to the time.
Now that I think about it, I haven't lost my temper with him for a long time.
From the beginning of the control of not losing temper, now feel that there is nothing worth losing temper, while accompanying my son to grow, I myself have improved.
In fact, the reason why children grind and rub, there is a large part of the "credit" in the parents, behind each rubbing child, there is a parent who constantly urges and nags.
As soon as the child rubs, the parent's first reaction is to urge, the more urgent, the more rubbing, and eventually become a vicious circle.
When he grows up and begins to live independently, without the urging and control of his parents, self-control has not developed, it is easy to indulge himself, look at the college students who skip classes in the dormitory and play games all night, look at so many adults who are distressed by procrastination, and know how important self-control is.
If you want your child to stop rubbing, you must first start by changing yourself, and use your own words and deeds to guide and influence your children.
Speaking of which, this is much more difficult than urging, reprimanding, and getting angry, and it requires adults to be aware of themselves, empathetic to children, and have enough patience.
Are you willing to make such a change?
The anchor | Wen Yue, the host who loves to sing, public number: Wen Yue is coming.
Pictures | Visual China