I saw a video on the Internet, a boarding primary school student, is looking down to pack his bag, looking back to see his mother, pretending to calmly turn his head to continue to tidy up, but he can't stop shaking his shoulders and crying.
In just a few seconds of video, the boy's hidden tolerance made many people cry. The mother behind the child must be even more miscellaneous. The mother said that she also wanted to hold the child in the palm of her hand, but she also wanted the child to learn to be independent and responsible.
01
When a child goes to boarding school, is there a pro or con?
Some parents let their children board, it is forced to helplessly, there is really no one at home to take care of the children, and some families are active choices.
Those who support boarding believe that boarding can exercise children's independence and make children more responsible and brave; boarding schools can ensure that children receive better education and have more time to study; and at the same time, they also liberate parents and have more time to fight for their careers.
Opponents of boarding believe that the boarding of young children will make children lack a sense of belonging and security, affecting the parent-child relationship; boarding schools are uneven, and children may be adversely affected and go astray in the critical period of growth.
Searching for the harm of boarding schools on the Internet will see a lot, and CCTV host Bai Yansong is also opposed to boarding. He said "Killing me will not let the child stay".
Yin Jianli, the author of "A Good Mother Is Better Than a Good Teacher", also opposed the boarding system, believing that "emotional nourishment in the early years is very important to life!" Leaving their parents to live independently too early can cause a lifetime of irreparable trauma to their psyche. This level of trauma is equivalent to the grief experienced by adults when they lose a loved one. ”
As the name suggests, there is a difference between boarding and A's ordinary day school, that is, whether the child goes home or back to the dormitory after school. Going home means getting along with your parents, having family time, and going back to your dorm is about spending time with your teachers and classmates.
Discussing the good and bad of boarding, that is, looking at the time after school, should children get along with their parents, or should they get along with teachers and classmates? Because my family is a boy, I read more books on raising boys, and I want to combine the characteristics of boys' growth to talk about who the child should get along with at what stage.
02
At different stages of a child's growth, they should get along with different people
Steve Bidalph, a well-known australian expert on family issues, pointed out that boys go through three stages of growth, which has been the case all over the world from ancient times to the present.
The first stage is from birth to 6 years old
The focus of parenting at this stage is to let the child grow up safely surrounded by love.
There are plenty of studies that show that separation is more likely than girls to make boys feel anxious, think they've been abandoned, and emotionally close themselves off. This is even more pronounced in children before the age of 3. This is also why many experts recommend that boys do not spend kindergarten in the morning, because boys will be more "late-ripening".
In terms of parenting, there is no need to overemphasize the differences between men and women before the age of 6, such as not allowing boys to cry and making boys more like men. Before the child is six years old, the most important thing is to make the child feel safe deep down and acquire the skills to communicate intimately with people.
Through the growth characteristics of children before the age of 6, it can be clearly seen that before the age of 6, children need family life more. Parents should not let their children board the slightest way.
The second stage, from the age of 6 to 13 years old
6 to 13 years old is mainly the primary school stage of children, at this stage boys will feel the call from the inner world and begin to try to become men.
Boys at this stage still adore their mothers, but they will pay more attention to men, and they want to learn what they want from the men around them. The man next to the child, the first to bear the brunt of it is naturally the father.
The child will imitate the father's movements and learn the father's mantra, of course, he may also imitate the teacher's behavior, imitate the mantra of the classmates. At this stage, the father is an important role in the child's life, and it is also a critical period to establish a heroic image in the child's heart.
Steve Bidalph said that from elementary school to middle school, boys should live with mom and dad, get their help, learn from them how to handle things, and enjoy their company.
In the stage of children's primary school to junior high school, boarding is not a good choice. If it's not a last resort, having your child live at home is the best option.
The third stage: 14 years old to adulthood
Boys enter a period of rapid development around the age of 14, and boys have to complete the transition from naivety to maturity. Boys who enter adolescence have big goals, they dream of better places, but they don't know how to achieve their grand ambitions.
At this stage, parents are no longer dominant, but they must choose a good facilitator for the child, otherwise the child will find himself in the same ignorant peers.
Of course, this facilitator can also be a parent, provided that the parent and the child have always maintained a harmonious parent-child relationship and have sufficient ability to guide the child. More often, the facilitator may be a friend of the parent, a neighbor, as long as they have a shining point that the child can see.
For children in high school, does boarding do more harm than harm, or does the disadvantage outweigh the benefits? It depends on whether there is a guide for the child in the school.
If he has a teacher around him who can be his guide, the child can grow up healthily and will not let the child fall into confusion because of the lack of a guide. If not, the child will be confused with his peers who are equally confused, and his illusion of the future beauty may be slightly shattered by the confusion.
03
Boarding fosters physical independence, but destroys the foundation of independence
Don't think that if your child can handle everything in boarding school, it means that your child is independent. In fact, this is the physical independence that the child is forced to achieve.
The child's real independence is that he voluntarily goes out, that he gains enough warmth and security in the family, and that he has a strong enough intimate relationship, which is the foundation of the child's independence, and boarding may destroy this foundation.
Through the above characteristics of children's growth, we can see that before the child reaches adulthood, boarding will have a more or less impact on the child. But the ideal is full, the reality is bone, there will always be some helpless situation. If the child is already in boarding school, as a parent, you must find a way to make up for the harm that may be caused to the child.
Parents should create opportunities to communicate with their children, and if possible, it is best to video call their children every day and chat with their children.
Talk about the child's life in school, but also talk about the parents outside the experience, so that the child receives the warmth and love from the family, but also convenient for parents to always perceive the child's emotions.
As a mom, I enjoy the time every day when I pick up and drop off my kids on the road, where the kids would hold my hands and bounce around and twitter, and his classmates at the front desk turned their heads to talk and were criticized by the teacher, and his homework was finally surprised by "you're awesome."
The growth of the child is irreversible, and he really needs us for more than ten years.
How strong the child is on the outside, how fragile he is on the inside, just like the boy in the video who looks back and sees his mother can't help but cry, if he can, I really hope his mother can change the decision.
Pushing the child out only makes the child look independent, but personally destroys the foundation of the child's independence. Independence should come naturally, and when the time comes, the child will go out on his own.