Have you ever had a dog or cat experience?
When we just buy a pet home, we will be told: when pets make mistakes, immediately teach and punish them, in order to deepen the impression in the pet's consciousness.
Deepening your impression can keep your pet from making similar mistakes in the future.
For example, if a cat likes to scratch the couch, every time the cat approaches the couch, you yell at it; from the very beginning, the cat will not dare to go near the couch in the future.
In the relationship, too, if the other party makes a mistake for the first time, it brings a lot of trouble to your emotions and life; at this time, you should solve the problem instead of choosing to escape.
Solve it in time and let the other party give you an explanation and guarantee; if you blindly endure, then he will intensify his efforts to do something to hurt you.
-01
Love and the "Broken Window Effect"
There is a theory in psychology called the "broken window effect".
A dilapidated house with only the windows intact.
One day when you pass by, you find that the window has been smashed by a corner, so it will not be long before the remaining window will also be smashed.
The rationale behind this effect is that if a small damage is not stopped in time, and a loss is not made up in time, then it is likely to give some hints to others; in the next time, there will be more loss and destruction.
It's like we've learned the story of "making amends" once.
The first time he found that the sheepfold was broken, the owner did not care; the second time he found that there were a few sheep missing, he still did not pay attention to it; and the third time, he found that the sheep in the sheepfold were more than half a year younger, and he began to panic.
But at that time, to make up for it, he had already suffered a huge loss.
The same is true in relationships.
If you suffer betrayal by the other party in the process of falling in love with each other, you not only did not stop it in time, but chose to forgive.
Then in the next step, the other party will betray you again and again.
People are susceptible to environmental cues and the psychology of the other person.
When he found out: "It turns out that I betrayed my feelings, and he will not treat me well, so I will temporarily soften." ”
In the process, he subconsciously formed this thought: "You will not treat me anyway, even if I betray you, you will not leave me." ”
To a large extent, this kind of psychology of his is caused by your connivance.
If you leave him the first time he betrays you or asks him to write you a pledge and give you some promises, then when he betrays his feelings again, he will often think about his loss first.
It is easy for people to develop a "psychological addiction mechanism", and once cultivated, it is difficult to be changed.
-02
Why do some people choose to forgive after being betrayed?
In fact, people who choose to forgive also think differently in their hearts.
Some people forgive, is the real forgiveness; some people forgive, is indifferent, indifferent attitude; some people choose to forgive, is resentment but can not be separated from the other party.
The first: I love you and am willing to forgive you for all the absurdities
Stories of victims falling in love with their perpetrators can be called "Stockholm syndrome" in psychology.
It's a deformed attachment relationship that goes from being hurt to being dependent and falling in love with the person who hurt him.
In the relationship, there is such a state.
The partner betrayed him, and instead of getting angry and defending his rights, he weakly forgave his partner's behavior.
"I love him, so I am willing to forgive him for all his absurdities and transgressions; choosing to love someone should be like this." 」
They constantly brainwash themselves, deceive themselves, and put themselves in a "circular state."
Over time, it becomes numb.
But this is really not love, but a kind of self-deception psychological comfort.
The second kind: it doesn't matter, make it up
Some people have a very negative attitude in their feelings, choosing to deal with all the problems that arise in their feelings with an indifferent and silent posture.
Quarrel, he chooses silence; contradiction arises, he chooses indifference; suffering betrayal by his partner, he turns a blind eye.
This in itself is a negative attitude to deal with.
He didn't hate the other person so much, because he didn't love the other person at all, and he didn't care what the other person did.
Only choose to turn a blind eye, life still has to go on.
The third kind: want to leave, but reluctantly
The mentality of these people is subject to "sunk costs".
They have invested so much time, emotion, and energy in this relationship that when the relationship is betrayed, the first thing they think about is not the loss and hurt they have endured, but the idea of "having paid so much anyway, it is a pity to leave him." ”
But after calming down, they felt wronged again.
Intermittent grievances, persistent reluctance, and then fell into a "dead end".
After all, people are emotional animals, and it is difficult to achieve an "outsider" posture in their feelings.
As the saying goes: the authorities are obsessed with bystanders.
Others are urging him to break up and leave, but only he is immersed in the love bubble he has set.
-03
What do we do when we are betrayed?
Two choices, two lives.
The first: leave decisively and not give a chance
A brave person will always meet his own luck.
People who dare to love and dare to hate can seize more "initiative" in love.
You have to understand that people who have betrayed you once may betray you a second time.
Just like those who commit domestic violence, after a domestic violence, there will be a second or third act.
You can't change them, you can only choose to stay away.
Only those who are cruel to themselves can have the feelings they want.
It seems that you have left the other party and feel sad in your heart; but in the next life, you can decide for yourself what life will become and pursue the love you want again.
The second kind: pretend to be confused and live in a vacuum
If you decide to forgive the other person, then be sure to try to get as much "benefit" as possible for yourself.
If you are already married, then let him write a handwritten pledge, and if you betray your feelings again, what kind of mental damage compensation you need to pay.
If you are in love, then he also has to pay for your youth and pay.
Only by getting enough "punishment" after he makes a mistake can he "remember" for the next time.
Otherwise, no matter how much promise and sweet words, it is just empty words.
But choosing this path means that in your future relationship, you will always be insecure of "gain and loss".
Today's Topic:
Will you choose to forgive someone who has betrayed you?
(Article with picture source network)