Huyanzan (?) –1000), a native of Taiyuan (present-day Taiyuan, Shanxi), was a famous general of the early Northern Song Dynasty. Hu Yanzan was born in the Shomen family, and his father was Hu Yanchun, the commander of the Later Zhou Zi Prefecture Horse Infantry Army.
Hu Yanzan's greatest credit was to follow Emperor Taizong of Song in Zhao Guangyi's conquest of the Northern Han Dynasty. At the Battle of Taiyuan, the capital of the Northern Han Dynasty, the Song army was blocked in its siege and morale was low.
As the commander of the Iron Cavalry Army, Hu Yanzan had no fear, struggled to attack the city, during the battle, he fell from the city wall and climbed up, repeated four times, the more courageous the battle, and finally jumped to the head of the city, the roar was tremendous, the morale of the Song army was greatly boosted, and taiyuan city was taken in one fell swoop.
Although Hu Yanzan is brave and good at war, he has courage and strategy. Emperor Taizong of Song intended to cultivate him, promote him, and give him the title of official one after another, but he could not do his own job well. Sometimes not only the local management is not good, but even the army is very chaotic. Song Taizong had no choice but to demote him to his original position.
However, Hu Yanzan was not willing to be a "sesame officer" himself, he dreamed of fighting, and only on the battlefield could he find the space to display his talents and show his self-worth. Therefore, he sent a letter of request to Emperor Taizong of Song one after another, asking him to lead an army to attack the Khitans.
When Emperor Taizong of Song saw that he was still shouting about fighting and killing all day, he summoned him and asked him to demonstrate on the spot.
Hu Yanzan was immediately overjoyed, and immediately put on his horse, holding an iron whip in his left hand and a spear in his right hand, and danced three or four times in the blink of an eye like a gust of wind.
Not only that, Hu Yanzan also let his four sons Hu Yan Bi Xing, Hu Yan Bi Change, Hu Yan Bi Qiu, hu Yan Bi Xian join the performance, taking turns to dance the sword and swing the spear, a piece of sword lightsaber shadow, dancing tightly, clean and clean when stopped, Song Taizong praised it one after another.
However, Song Taizong knew that Hu Yanzan was brave and strategic, and although he was a fierce general, he was not a handsome man. Therefore, Emperor Taizong of Song only rewarded him with hundreds of taels of silver and gave him four sons clothes and ribbons, and did not approve the application to invite the Khitans.
Hu Yanzan was very reluctant in his heart, and stubbornly believed that the emperor did not agree to go to the front line because he had doubts about himself. So, in order to express his loyalty, he made a series of ridiculous and absurd moves.
He tattooed the words "Red Heart Thief" everywhere all over his body, not only on his face, body, feet, and even the inside of his lips, but also on weapons, saddles, and saddle pads, everywhere was densely packed "Red Heart Killing Thieves", and colored with thick ink, very eye-catching.
This kind of sashimi was a form of corporal punishment in the Song Dynasty. Hu Yanzan hoped to impress the emperor's iron heart through this self-masochistic and self-mutilating way.
Not only that, Hu Yanzan also summoned his wife and concubines and told them that if they were under the influence of the royal Houlu, they should tattoo words on their faces to express their gratitude to the emperor, and if anyone did not agree with the tattoo, they would immediately cut off their heads.
Lady Huyan cried and begged not to tattoo the words on her face, so he asked his wives and concubines to stab the words on their arms, but the four sons and servants did the same. Sons must not only stab the four words, but also tattoo the words "go out and forget the family for the country, and forget the death of the lord" behind the ears.
So, for a time, up and down the Hu family, whether old men, women and children, master and servant subordinates, one by one, full of words, black face, black body, black hands, black ears, three points like people, seven points like ghosts, strange looks, causing passers-by to scream and scream.
In fact, Huyanzan has many absurd deeds. For example, when one of his sons had just been born, he poured bone-chilling cold water on his son in the cold winter, saying that he would be able to stand the cold and be strong when he grew up; when his son was sick, he cut off the meat stew on his thigh, saying that the child could be cured by drinking it; the child had just turned 100 days old, still in his infancy, Hu Yanzan threw him from the city tower to the ground to test whether his son's life was hard!
Hu Yanzan also regarded the famous Tang Dynasty general Wei Chigong as his idol, learned the appearance of Wei Chigong, dressed strangely, and often promised himself "Little Wei Chi". Every time he went to the palace to run errands, his strange shape always attracted the eunuchs on duty to watch.
On one occasion, he even cut his chest with a knife in front of the eunuchs, and then asked his retinue to dip the pen in the blood, write a blood letter, and ask the emperor for his permission to attack the Khitans.
However, the more absurd Hu Yanzan was, the more indifferent the emperor became to him, and who dared to send such a mentally ill person to the front to lead the army to fight?
Let's not talk about whether the war can be won, if such a "alien visitor" appears on the battlefield, it will not be lamented by the soldiers and will be ridiculed by the enemy as the Great Song Nobody.
Hu Yanzan's absurdity is really both funny and speechless, and it is not an exaggeration to say that he is the funniest general in history, right?
This article refers to: "The Face of the Empire - The Faces of the Northern Song Dynasty Officialdom"