Text/Blue Dream
Figure/ From the Network If there is infringement contact deleted
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Relatives, especially parents and siblings, should be our strongest backing in this world.
Because there is a blood connection between the two.
In terms of blood relations, these two are the closest.
But not every parent or sibling can be our strongest backer, and many times they may be the makers of our lives' troubles.
For example, Fan Shengmei's parents in "Ode to Joy".
Because of their preference for sons and daughters, in their daily lives, they always blindly squeeze Fan Shengmei and attach importance to Fan Shengmei's brother.
Fan Shengmei has reached the age of establishment, and she has a strong ability to work, no matter how tricky the work is, as long as she wants, she can find a solution.
She usually knows how to maintain, so her personal state is quite OK.
But it is such a person who does not dare to rent a house alone, does not dare to fall in love, and does not dare to think about the future. The reason for this is that she has provided for her parents and brother for many years, and she has no spare energy to buy a dowry for herself.
Although a woman can marry herself out without a dowry, the basis of whether there is a dowry in the relationship is different.
Women with dowries still have a way out. If you are angry in front of your husband and mother-in-law, you don't need to be patient, because she is not afraid to leave him.
But without the dowry, it is different, so Fan Shengmei lives a particularly humble life. In relationships, she rarely expresses her needs.
The person who caused her to have this happen was her brother.
For many years, she used her salary to support her brother's family. She had thought that this would be exchanged for gratitude, but she did not expect that he would hate her so much, and did not even care how much harm his actions would cause her.
Most importantly, he never reflected on whether he had fulfilled his obligation to be a brother, but blindly asked her whether he had fulfilled his responsibility as a sister.
Get along with such a family. Fan Shengmei felt like she was carrying a big mountain on her back, no matter how hard she tried, she didn't have the day to come out.
This is indeed the case. If she hadn't met a good friend and punctured her illusions about her loved ones with sharp language, she might have been plunged into an unfathomable quagmire for the rest of her life, never to emerge.
So smart women know that once they find out that the loved ones around them are more selfish, then there are three things to learn.
1. Draw healthy boundaries for your loved ones
Family therapy guru Minuchin once put forward his own view of "family": in a family with healthy intimate relationships, each family member will have a sufficient "sense of belonging", and at the same time, each member has "independence".
This passage tells us that each person is first an independent person, and then it is so-and-so's family. Therefore, people need to pay attention to independence.
Fan Shengmei's personality is not independent. Perhaps she has been neglected since childhood, and she always hopes to get an affirmative answer from others through her own efforts. That is, she knows herself through the evaluation of others.
Children are not to blame for doing so, so they don't know how to evaluate a person's standards. But Before Fan Shengmei stepped into the standing, she already had the ability to judge right and wrong. In this case, it is easy for her to see that the doting of her parents, the selfishness of her brother, and the laziness of her sister-in-law will only make their family more and more depraved. It is very simple to solve this problem, that is, as the most capable person in the family, she can draw a healthy boundary for her family.
Within the boundaries of health, she can help; outside the boundaries of health, she can just stand by and watch. This will make parents realize their mistakes and let brothers and sisters-in-law learn to take responsibility for themselves.
However, she did not do so, so her family became a burden on her move forward, and in this case, she had to slow down.
2. Learn to say "no"
The first word many people say in their lives is probably "no." This represents the germ of self-awareness, realizing that you don't need to follow the trajectory that others have designed.
But when they grow up, many people lose their "self" and gradually become the same. As you know, saying "no" comes at a price.
Just like Fan Shengmei. Under the persuasion of a group of friends, she gradually had the idea of confronting her brother, so when his brother asked her to pay, she refused.
A nightmare life ensued. Her parents cried on the phone and asked her to help her brother as they raised her.
Her brother repeatedly scolded her on the phone for not being sympathetic and disregarding how her own brother lived.
The parents cried for a long time, the brother scolded for a long time, and Fan Shengmei began to reflect on whether she had done something wrong. Or too harsh?
It was the source of her pain. She did not understand that some relatives were strength and could use his hands to shield themselves from the wind and rain; some relatives were bottomless, and even if she gave more, she would not get the other party's understanding.
At this stage, if she carries it through, then she and her family will be in a good state; otherwise, she may be immersed in this swamp forever, because as the recipient, her brother enjoys her efforts. That is, he didn't realize at all that he had done something wrong.
The only person who can put the family on a normal trajectory is her on the victim side.
3. Stand your ground
"I know a lot of truths, but I still can't live this life well" is fundamentally not implemented.
Fan Shengmei is like this. With her intellect, she can naturally see the mistakes of her parents and brothers, and naturally knows that only by correcting herself can she normalize family relations, but it is difficult for her to do so.
Because what she was up against was her family. Most importantly, the duration of the confrontation is uncertain.
In this case, she can easily be softened by the pleading of her parents or the pleading of her brother, and thus lose the strength to stand her own position.
And this is the most dangerous and the most difficult to do.
People have to deal with many problems in this life, and the problem of family affection is more difficult. After processing, it becomes an "indifferent" existence; and when it is handled lightly, it has no effect. The measure of this is actually difficult to grasp.
However, no matter how difficult it is, you have to try to deal with it. Because that's the root of people's happiness.
If Fan Shengmei could understand this truth earlier, she would not become a powerful person like Su Mingyu in "All Is Good" in the future, at least take care of herself without worry.
If you find that your relatives around you are very private, you must learn to do the above three things, especially learn to say "no".
The pressure of rejection is indeed great, but only by learning to refuse can we concentrate on living our own lives.
So, no matter how hard it is, try it.
May everyone learn to get along better with their loved ones and the world.
END.