Text: Ancient shore cloud sand
Figure: From the network
Ten years ago, we "transplanted" our mother from the countryside to the city, and now, in her old age, she lives like this. We thought she would come to the city and get rid of her previous manual labor, and she would be happy, but it wasn't. We went to work, each busy, no one had insight into the real inner world of my mother, accompanied by a television set.
Her mother said she could visit her home and talk to her neighbors, but in the city, she could only nestle in her home alone, watching TV series on a loop. But what can we do, she is alone in her hometown, and we are not at ease.
A few years ago, the mother who did nothing every day had a rapid decline in memory, easy to lose control of her emotions, and was easily irritable. My brother and I took my mother to the doctor, and experts said that my mother's cerebellum was severely atrophied and suffered from Alzheimer's disease, commonly known as "Alzheimer's disease", which has no effective treatment.
Sometimes, some relatives and friends come to see her, and her eyes drift away, like the feeling of the soul being hollowed out, making people feel a little frightened. Sometimes, she forgets everything, our care for her, the filial piety of her children, the enthusiasm of her neighbors, and because of her oblivion, she is completely buried in the bottom of her memory, and no one can salvage it.
One
My mother called early that morning: I am your sister. I asked her: Who am I? She said: I don't know. Then he said, "I'm your sister." I told her: I'm your girlfriend. She said, "Oh. Why didn't you come? I haven't seen you in a long time. I miss you!
I said: Come over and have dinner with her at noon, and she says okay. The phone hung up, and I wanted to laugh and be sad. Early this morning, the feelings were confused again. In the past two days, it rained heavily, I went to relatives, visited the door, and I didn't idle for a moment, but I didn't see it for two days.
Recently, my mother's temperament has changed dramatically. Two days before helping her take a bath, she said that the washing was not clean, and she had a big argument with me for two hours, from my lack of conscience, to the years of resentment between the two of us, to the current situation of my brother, all kinds of family problems, and even the early death of my father.
It took two hours to vent, until I told her that Grandma had been dead for more than ten years, and the eldest mother had died for five years, and then she woke up with an epiphany: It turned out that they were all dead, why didn't anyone tell me, then My father and mother were also dead? I miss Daddy. Then when you put your mouth shut, you're going to cry.
I said I'm gone, don't cry, I'm old, how can I live all the time. She said: It's all gone, what does it mean that I'm still alive, it's better to die... Such a topic is repeated almost every day. Because she could never remember who else was alive in the world, almost all the people she knew were gone.
She used to be a good temper in our family, and almost never got angry, except for me, of course, and for many years I always consoled myself: out of love, she just wanted me to be more in line with her requirements.
In fact, she asked me very little, I just didn't please her. She has held a lot of dissatisfaction with me in her heart, she has never spoken, and now she has just opened the valve so that she can say it as she pleases, without caring about anyone's feelings and opinions.
She thought that grandma did not love us, she thought I was too good for the eldest mother, but she never said a word of good to her. She raised me, she never beat me, but she forgot the verbal violence she had given me, how it had hurt my heart, and let me walk on the road of self-healing all my life, and I can't let go of it to this day. She also had a great deal of resentment toward me. She hated her father's early death, which made her suffer too much in life.
Poor memory does not affect her logical thinking. She was only willing to forget things, but she did not completely lose her intellect. It took two hours of arguing and two hours of coaxing her to get her in order. It was really a great purge of the soul that gave us a clearer view of the problems between us. She was confused, but I was sober.
In this life, about the time I was born, we were in the middle of a fight, incompatible, helpless, unable to change. After the quarrel, she was particularly sober, went out alone, and actually found a home. Using your brain is still good.
Two
My daughter went to school yesterday, and my husband returned to the factory in the morning, and I was left alone at home, washing my clothes and going to my brother's house for dinner, and she was particularly happy to see me, as if there had never been a quarrel between us, and in fact, she had forgotten.
She said she hadn't seen me in a long time and asked me to stay with her for a few days. My brother gave her some change, she counted the money every day when she had nothing to do, at first she remembered how much, now I don't know much, I don't know how much, I only have one thing left in my heart: go back to my hometown to go to the grave. A bit of a brain.
Most of her memories go back to when she was young, and the old men she knew had to ask countless times a day: Are they all dead? She had barely mentioned my father's death before, but lately she had brought it up, always with a lot of resentment. This topic, which we can hardly face, is now tired. Because it's always there to face. My father has been dead for many years, and the void he left us is something that years cannot fill.
The circle of mother's life is really too small. Her world is only so big.
After lunch, I was clamoring to see the bride, and I told her that the bride was not there, and she still had to go. Her relationship with the eldest bride was based on the process of farming together for many years and running the family together, although she was a little jealous of my closeness to the eldest bride, in her heart, the thought of the eldest bride has always been there, and every time she asks if the eldest bride is there, she will be stunned for half a day, and repeatedly ask for verification: Is it really not there?
Talking about relatives who have been gone for many years every day, our hearts are actually very uncomfortable.
Three
In the morning, I went out to play ball, and first I went to wake up my mother: I go out to play ball, you don't run around, get up, move around the room, if you want to work, sweep the floor. Mother promised: Well, I won't run around.
When I came home after playing, the door was half open, I shouted twice, and the rooms were looked for again, and there was no one. Runaway from home!
First go downstairs, met the property personnel who cleaned the corridor health, said that she saw her carrying a burden to the east side of the building, immediately went to chase, the east side of the building door is locked, no card can not go in, downstairs looked for a circle, did not find, called the brother, the brother said: first go to the property monitoring room to see. He came right over.
I ran to the monitoring room again, and by the way, I went to the place where I sold breakfast and turned around, but I didn't see it. When I got to the monitoring room, the staff of the monitoring room was answering the phone, and before I could speak, she said that someone at the northeast gate had made a call, and an old lady had lost it. Immediately ran to the northeast gate with another breath.
An old lady called out to me in the corner: Here it is. The mother was in the corner of the building, she ran to the old lady's house, knocked on the door, startled the family, so she led her to the front of the building, and then went to the doorman to call the monitoring room.
She wrapped a quilt in a sheet of quilts, hugged it, saw me and said: I want to go home to cover the quilt, stayed at someone's house for one night, saw no one, hugged the quilt and came out, I couldn't find a home. This is confused again.
About the morning when I got up, I saw that there was no one at home, thinking it was someone else's house, so I hugged the quilt and came out. When she went to pick her up at her brother's house the day before yesterday, she was spreading cotton in her room to prepare a quilt.
During this time, I was a bit confused, bent on making quilts for my brother's family, tearing down two pillows from my brother's house, and some old cotton from nowhere, and then collecting the family sheets from various cabinets, spreading cotton on top, and preparing to make quilts.
The whole room, which she had made like a junkyard, was full of clothes and cotton, sheets of bedding... Telling her that she didn't have to make a quilt, she identified the guests from the house and didn't have a quilt. The obsession is deep. She was halfway through the cotton shop, and I picked her up, so I decided that there was still half of the cotton, saying that she wanted to tear down half of the quilt she was holding and sew the quilt of the family.
Because there was nothing to do, she felt useless and had no fun. So always want to find something to do, every day will be constantly all kinds of tossing, cabinet clothes, all have to be pulled out to put a job, all wrapped cartons, but also have to be taken apart to take a look, in order to rest assured.
There is no corner of the house where you can hide things, because no matter where you hide, she will turn it out, a lifetime of weak temperament, no curiosity, did not expect that after the illness, curiosity seems to be spawned, re-sprouting branches and leaves, multi-clawed fish, stretching everywhere.
Four
Last night I slept until midnight, moved my daughter's gift box away from the original place, opened it, looked at it, probably thought there was nothing new, and went to bed again.
She kept churning every day, and I had to keep cleaning up.
But I didn't expect her to run away from home. Because before, she had been honestly staying at home.
When her brother and sister-in-law came over, she had honestly stayed at home, still confused, and always thought that the quilt was taken from someone else's house, because there was no one in the family, so she became greedy, but she was really a money fan. My brother and I took turns educating her, and she promised well: never go out again. One second said, the next second may forget. But we know that we can't take it lightly in the future, but it's true.
The day before, she took her to the Chinese medicine hospital, waiting to catch Chinese medicine, took her to eat dumplings, celery meat filling, she began to ask people where there were pork sellers from the hospital door, bought pork, and went home at night to make wontons for her grandson. The little girl who swept the health code was stunned.
Yesterday, when we were sitting in the sun in the small square in front of the building, she also said: If she is literate, she will read books and read newspapers, and she may not be so stupid. She also said that she herself did not want to go to school and could not complain about others.
In fact, there are many opportunities for her to learn to read, but her own sense of self-awareness is too low, always think that she can't learn, can't learn well, and is not willing to learn, and is not willing to express herself, a lifetime is so numb to come over. Her illness has a lot to do with her character.
Many years after her father's death, she hardly communicated with people, plus she thought too much about herself, did not understand, and did not want to understand, the more so, and the more she did not understand. Now it's really confusing.
Her biggest annoyance is that she always thinks she's useless, she feels like she's no longer needed. Because I can't do anything, I want to find something to do, so all kinds of tossing, all kinds of pendulum work, in the final analysis, is looking for a sense of existence.
At night, I was at home alone, listening to "Pear Blossoms Bloom Again", and I was particularly sad to hear. I can also understand my mother's mood in particular. Those past, Grandma's loom, The Bride's spinning wheel, Father's bicycle, Grandma's nagging... They all came and went in song.
Suddenly I wanted to cry.