We need to understand ourselves and others, not only to understand where the sources of bad emotions that affect our quality of life are, but also to know how to control our various emotions. If so, you can improve your happiness index.
In the pursuit of happiness, most of the time we do not know ourselves nor others; we do not know how to solve problems.
So always regretting the past, worrying about the future, dissatisfied with the present, it seems that happy days are always fleeting. Emotions are the barometer of our life feelings. When the emotions are good, life is good; if the emotions are not good, even if something good happens, you can't feel it.
Richard Davidson, a well-known American neuroscience researcher, in his book "The Emotional Life of Your Brain", divides emotions into six dimensions, each of which is responsible for the corresponding brain structure.
When something is not satisfactory, how long does it take for your mood to return to calm? People who can quickly restore calm have a strong ability to resist setbacks.
Xiao Mei woke up in the morning and said to her lover, "Husband, boil me an egg." Who knew that her lover said: "There are porridge and peanut rice, what eggs to eat, too much trouble!" ”
Xiao Mei felt a wave of anger rush into his heart, thinking: I work overtime every day these days, so hard, don't you just get up early to make some porridge? What's the trouble with boiling an egg again? Don't you just open the refrigerator and take out the eggs, throw them in the pot, add water, turn on the heat, three simple steps, or less than a minute. It was troublesome, not thinking about me at all, not loving me at all. Then she was silent, secretly aggrieved. For the next few days she didn't take care of her lover.
A few days later, the lover wondered why she had become indifferent and ignored, and when he asked her, he realized that the egg had not been boiled a few days ago.
The lover explained: There were no eggs in the refrigerator that day! It's raining, and you have to go out to buy eggs, of course, trouble! It was precisely because there were no eggs that peanut rice was fried for her. Knowing the truth, she realized at this time that it was her lover who was really wronged.
Like Xiao Mei, when encountering unsatisfactory things for a long time, the emotional elasticity is low, and the resistance to frustration is also low.
After waiting 10 hours at the airport, Linlin was told 25 minutes before the plane was about to board the plane that the flight was eventually cancelled due to thunderstorms. She was anxious, because her daughter who was waiting to give birth had a stomach pain, and when she saw that Hong had been admitted to the hospital, she was eager to immediately insert her wings and fly to her daughter's side.
"My daughter doesn't know if there will be any accidents?" Sensing her anxiety and worry, and realizing that she was powerless to change reality, she began to watch at the airport.
After calming her emotions, she called her daughter softly: Although your mother is not by your side, your mother's heart has always been with you. Her calmness made her daughter feel empowered and supported.
Then, as numerous customers accused of complaining about the airport staff, she coordinated with the airport officer with a smile and an understanding attitude of acceptance, imploring them to do their best to help. She became one of the first to board the plane and returned home to learn that her daughter had given birth.
Compared with Xiao Mei, Linlin's emotions are very elastic and resistant to frustration. Instead of immersing herself in anxiety and anger, nor venting her emotions on others, she soothed herself, comforted her daughter, and calmly focused her energy on solving the problem.
When you see half a glass of water, do you often see half a cup full, or do you see someone with half a cup empty?
People who often see half a cup full will often have a positive and optimistic mood. Some people are able to see the positive side of things, but are quickly masked by negative emotions and do not feel any positive emotions. Such people are easily depressed, and it is easy to develop the habit of alcohol and drug abuse.
I have a friend who came back from a business trip to find that his home had been stolen. After carefully inspecting it, he called his wife: "Wife, there is a thief in our house?" "The lady was stunned.
Who knew that the gentleman said happily: "Oh, you said how lucky we are, when this guy came, fortunately we were not at home, otherwise we might have been hurt." And this fool only stole the money and your earrings, your clothes, my books, my son's toys. ”
He was optimistic that no matter what happened, he wasn't staring at what was lost, but at not losing something.
When a person can lose, he can still focus on what he has, and he has an optimistic attitude to see the world, and it is not easy to be confused by the influence of negative things.
In dealing with people and connecting with people, there is a very important ability, that is, social intuition.
For example, when you're talking to someone, you keep looking elsewhere and walking toward the door as you talk, and he's still talking after you, unaware that you're no longer interested in continuing the conversation. Such people have a relatively low social intuition sensitivity, and they are not sensitive to other people's body language, expressions and tones; while some people can observe the color of speech and accurately know the feelings and needs of others.
For example, there are many women who have quarrels with their boyfriends or husbands and say: You roll! Some men really roll over, and as a result the wife or girlfriend becomes more angry.
The other party is still very depressed: Didn't you tell me to roll, I obeyed and did it, why are you still so angry? This kind of man's feelings are not sensitive enough.
Women actually want to express: you roll me over, hug me, say some sweet words, not really get out of the egg.
Of course, there are also sensitive and clever partners who, when you let him roll, he will say: Honey, where should I roll? Roll forward or backward? Make you laugh and you'll be fine.
This kind of person who can accurately grasp the needs of others has a strong social intuition.
Some people are very clear about their inner feelings, can clearly realize their thoughts, emotions, and physical feelings; know why they are happy, why they are sad, why they are angry, why they are sad, why they are afraid. And some people are unaware of their feelings.
I remember a girl who, when talking about some sad old things, tears flowed from the corners of her eyes. I asked her, "Are you sad?" She replied, "No! "Everyone around her thinks she's fake. In fact, she is not fake, but lacks the ability to be self-aware.
In life, some people often say inappropriate things and do things that are inappropriate. For example, she will cry at someone else's wedding or tell jokes at someone else's funeral. If it is an outsider, it will make us uncomfortable or disgusted; if it is our own family, it will feel very embarrassing.
The next time we encounter this situation, can we have an extra layer of understanding and understanding when we feel uncomfortable: he is either unwilling, unwilling, or unable. It's like asking someone without legs to walk normally. The good news is that this environmentally sensitive ability can be gained in learning and training.
When you are doing things, are you distracted from time to time by the unpleasant things that happened yesterday? For example, if there is an accident on the other side of the road while driving or walking, do you continue to rush unaffected, or do you keep staring and almost hit the car or the pole?
In fact, each of us lacks a brain in some way
In real life, we often encounter people who are very mature in six dimensions. They swim with ease, swim in the ups and downs of interpersonal communication and life, not worried, not afraid, dashing and calm, which is really enviable.
Other people often can't see the height of their eyebrows, look at everything gray, and a little thing is like the sky falling. Such a person will make people feel incomprehensible, cry and laugh, and sometimes we will say: This person really lacks a "brain".
In fact, judging by the results of modern neuroscience research, they are really missing something in different parts of the brain. It's not that they don't want to live in harmony with us, but they can't, they can't. In fact, very few people can do everything.
The truth is that the vast majority of people are missing in one dimension, or several dimensions to varying degrees. That is to say, we all have shortcomings in some aspect of the brain, but we often see the parts that others lack, and rarely see what we lack.
The understanding of human nature and science can make us have a more calm and objective understanding of people, rather than interpreting all the reactions that make you dissatisfied and do not meet your needs as: not caring, not caring, not respecting, not affirming, not loving. This understanding of ourselves can help us to purposefully train the abilities we need to improve.