Friend Xiao Liu, after working in China for a few years, chose to study in Germany with his lover. Because of the new marriage at that time, when she first arrived in a foreign country, she changed from a white-collar beauty who lived a petty bourgeois life leisurely in China to a preparatory student who had to bear both language pressure and part-time work pressure.
The huge contrasts in her life made her very uncomfortable, and she blamed these problems on the hasty decision of her lover to go abroad. Therefore, I began to complain constantly, such as choosing the wrong major, too much school, not choosing a good city, not finding a job, and a series of problems. And her lover usually chooses silence. The relationship between the two once fell to a freezing point, and even moved the idea of returning to China for divorce.
Some people have a long-term relationship, some people are bored for a long time, and if they want to maintain a relationship, the most important thing is to learn to cherish, which is also a problem for most people. If you don't know how to cherish, two people who once loved each other very much may gradually drift apart and end up like strangers. So, in marriage, we can express our love for each other in different ways and let the other person know that you cherish his existence. Create a happy marriage and a happy family together.
The author, Dr. Susan Hettler, is one of the top ten marriage therapists in the United States; Weiren Huang, an internationally renowned marriage expert and a top Chinese psychologist. "Love is Cherishing Each Other - The Secret to Creating a Happy Marriage" is the crystallization of the cooperation between two top marriage therapists in China and the West. The most brilliant feature of this book is the use of clinical wisdom and examples to teach readers how to "deal with conflict" and "build friendships", which is the key to the success or failure of marriages in the best empirical studies of the past 30 years.
Why are we always full of quarrels in our lives? Where is the secret to speaking?
In modern couple relationships, there is a relatively big challenge, that is, it is impossible to communicate truly effectively, resulting in quarrels. We need to follow some communication principles to help couples speak their true thoughts without hurting each other, thereby enhancing the relationship between husband and wife.
1. Clearly express the worries, fears, and needs you feel in your heart.
Because Xiao Liu and his wife went to Germany to study, they were handled through intermediaries, and many things were not understood in detail, and after arriving in Germany, all the problems suddenly broke out. In particular, the language problem, the problem of entrance examination, if it cannot be solved in the short term, will face the embarrassing situation of not being able to enroll, not being able to work, and even being forced to return to china when the deadline is reached. Xiao Liu is also a girl who has no ability to resist pressure, so she is increasingly anxious and afraid. But she didn't say it clearly, but chose to argue and complain to divert her own pressure.
On the one hand, Xiao Liu did not tell his lover what he said in his heart, and the lover did not conduct an in-depth analysis of Xiao Liu's emotional changes, resulting in the real problem between them not being solved. If both parties cannot express their feelings and each other cannot understand each other's needs, communication will be a problem. Both husband and wife should pay attention to their feelings, and clearly describe them in appropriate words, so that they can give each other a clear direction and give each other more opportunities to understand and accept each other.
2. Directly express the true feelings and needs of the heart.
Xiao Liu's original intention was to hope that his lover could receive the true feelings of his anxiety and fear hidden under the surface of his complaints and quarrels. Thus comforting her, encouraging him, and finding a way to solve it. But she didn't directly express her true feelings in her heart. She took it for granted that her lover should know what she really thought, but that wasn't the case.
In communication, the probability of success of communication that implies or twists and turns is usually very low, and it is more effective to directly express the feelings or needs in your heart. Both spouses expect to hear each other's voices and thus receive true equality and respect in the marriage.
3. Use "words" to express your feelings, rather than irrational, non-verbal "venting" to express
Because the lover did not receive the correct signal from Xiao Liu, but only thought that Xiao Liu was arguing with him, he chose the way of silent cold war to deal with it. It turns out that such an approach not only does not solve the problem, but also makes the war situation between husband and wife gradually escalate. When we are hurt and angry, the instinctive reaction is to vent our emotions with some relatively exaggerated movements. But such an approach can hinder communication and escalate the war. We should verbalize our feelings of anger and tell the other person what we need, and the chances of solving the problem will increase greatly.
Second, mastering the secret of listening will make the relationship between the two parties more intimate.
In the dialogue between husband and wife, it is necessary to have the ability to watch and listen at the same time. When you listen carefully to the other person's words, his feelings are affirmed and understood. So, making each other an effective, cooperative listener will make the relationship between husband and wife more intimate.
1. Sincerely respect each other's views.
In some dialogues, some relatively sensitive topics will cause one party to be unhappy, uneasy and even defensive, under this hint, the intuition will change from a conversation to a rebuttal, so as to find a way to prove that the other party is wrong, then the dialogue has changed from cooperation to confrontation. Xiao Liu blindly accused and complained about his lover, and attributed all the problems to a series of wrong decisions of her husband, so that her husband's initial chagrin and guilt eventually evolved into unhappiness and even anger, thus escalating the contradiction, so that neither of them respected each other's views.
2. Listen to each other's voices and consider the needs of both sides in the dialogue.
Both husband and wife must not only pay attention to their own feelings, but listen to others. Fully consider the needs of the other party. Lovers should take into account Xiao Liu's uncomfortable mental journey when he first arrived in a foreign land. Xiao Liu should also worry about the efforts made by his lover to go abroad for the two of them. You can't completely deny all the efforts of your lover for this because you encounter a little difficulty. At the same time, it is very important to pay attention to observing each other's emotional needs when listening to each other's conversations, on the other hand, we must also pay attention to our own needs, and we can constantly revise the plan in the dialogue, so that each other's needs can be taken into account.
Third, when couples with sound relationships will also have friction, how to effectively resolve conflicts?
In rare married life, few couples can always be calm, and sometimes the waves are inevitable. At this time, if you can't do it properly, it may cause harm and resentment. So how can we effectively resolve these conflicts?
1. When angry, use restorative dialogue skills to get the cooperation of the other party.
The initial frequent quarrels between Xiao Liu and his wife were actually mainly for one thing, that is, Xiao Liu was afraid that he would not be able to stay in Germany because of language test problems and would be forced to return to China. But this problem, quarrels and complaints can not be solved at all. The lover later learned about Xiao Liu's anxiety, adopted the restorative dialogue techniques mentioned in the book, made some suggestions that would help solve the problem, and the two reached a consensus to find a solution that was acceptable to both. Restorative dialogue refers to the ability of couples to have constructive dialogues to discuss some of the small problems they face in life and decide how to deal with them together. The most important point of restorative dialogue is to replace coercion and criticism with an attitude of mutual respect and cooperation.
2. When a conflict occurs, do not use high pressure to make the other party submit.
When couples quarrel, it is easiest to use coercive tactics to solve the problem, but this is only temporary. But the price to pay is high. Xiao Liu initially used the method of anger and quarrel to temporarily gain the upper hand, but this way made her lover unable to further understand her, did not understand the crux of the problem, and the vicious circle continued, but caused a deeper gap between the two people. Coercive tactics include criticism, raising the voice, scolding, harsh, threatening, punishing the other party, etc. However, this strategy makes the other party feel hurt, which causes the other party to defend and counterattack. So don't use high pressure to bring the other person to your knees.
3. Repair the quarrel in time and make a win-win decision together.
After many conflicts, the two felt that they should repair their relationship. Start by learning about the ins and outs of the recent frequent bickering, then apologize to each other, and finally turn the unpleasant situation into an opportunity for growth. When both sides respect each other, appreciate each other, and both people feel valued, then the combined power of the two is even greater.
Conclusion
In a good married life, you are both protectors of each other's uniqueness. Love is to accept and cherish each other, to give each other a feeling of beauty, love can bring strength to both people.
The book "Love is to cherish each other - the secret of creating a convincing marriage", theoretical support and real practice coexist, recommended to all friends facing marital problems, I hope that everyone can have a good married life.