One's world is lonely
Every time I came out of the courtyard of that deep house, my heart was very entangled, both a feeling of being invisibly imprisoned and let go of the wind, and a feeling of being inseparable.
Walking out of the compound, looking up at the blue sky, looking at the vehicles and pedestrians on the road in confusion, the autumn wind blowing, the body and mind will always be instantly stinging, and the eyes are full of tears.
"The doctor said my illness was an old heart attack, not heart failure, right?" Every time I brought my mother back to see a doctor, my mother would always take the doctor's words out of context and intercept the most favorable statement for my condition to ask me for verification.
Then settle down on time and actively take medicine, and from time to time say to yourself, "Take a few more courses of Chinese medicine, you should be able to take care of yourself, no longer need to bother you to serve me!" "She's confident in her recovery. On the surface I tried my best to agree, but my heart was sour.
Although every time I leave here, there are always sisters who come to replace me, but the thought of not being able to accompany my mother to fight the disease makes me feel an inexplicable sense of loneliness.
It has been more than half a year since my mother was tortured by heart failure in April this year and could not go up and down the stairs, and had no choice but to move to this small town compound far away from the city and located at the foot of the Yin Mountain.
This is a compound covering an area of more than 200 square meters, with housing, kitchen, bathroom, and cool room, complete with water, electricity and heating. It was purchased by my sister specifically for her mother so that she could bask in the sun.
When they first arrived here, they saw that there were almond trees, vines, and a small field where they could grow vegetables, and the sisters were overjoyed and felt that they had come to a paradise.
My sister tried to grow a variety of vegetables in the field, including oil and wheat vegetables, lettuce, tomatoes, green peppers, cucumbers, beans, etc., and soon these vegetables could be eaten. Every morning when I get up early in the morning to cook, go to the field in front of the door to pick some vegetables and go back, and the hard work of staying up all night to accompany and take care of my mother will be washed away by this joy.
But the good times are not long, as the weather is getting hotter and hotter, the flies and mosquitoes at home are also more and more, throughout the summer and autumn, every few days to take care of the mother to have a big fight with flies, mosquitoes, and the final result is that flies, mosquitoes only increase, the body is bitten by mosquitoes large and small red envelopes also only increase!
The beautiful paradise becomes an unbearable torment.
Outside the small window of the iron gate is a lively little world
After living here for more than half a year, we didn't know anyone because my mother didn't want to associate with anyone, and every day the door was locked from the inside. But outside the high-walled compound, there is a lively little world.
Less than three meters away from the gate of our house, there lives another family, and every day when we take a lunch break, the neighbors will gather at the gate of this family to say something short and talk about the parents, which is very lively. Laughter is clearly audible in our yard.
At this point in time, my mother would ask us to help her sit in the courtyard for about half an hour. She sat quietly at the gate, without saying a word.
Separated only by a wall, the people outside never know that within three meters of them, there was a lonely old woman sitting quietly sharing their joys and sorrows.
I had proposed to my mother several times to open the door and join these neighbors so that she would not be alone. Who knew that my mother would say angrily to my proposal every time, "Don't open the door!" "Not even a word of explanation.
This confuses me. One day, when my mother was in a good mood, I tentatively asked, "Mom, why don't you want to associate with the neighbors outside the gate?" Do you hate that they are all village women and have no culture? In fact, if you talk to them every day, you will be in a good mood. ”
The mother's face suddenly sank, paused for a moment and sighed and said, "I don't want people to see me like this!" ”
Only then did I understand that my mother, who had always been strong, could not accept the reality that she could not take care of herself in her life, she was escaping, she was trying to eat her guts on the salary, she was bent on overcoming the disease, and trying to return herself to the past!
No wonder I said several times that I used a wheelchair to push her to go shopping in the town, but she firmly refused. While the pain makes the mother stronger, it also ruthlessly destroys her self-esteem!
"Mom, your body will definitely return to its former state." Maybe next year now, we're out traveling! Holding my mother's hand, which was full of wrinkles and age spots like pine bark, I hurried to comfort my mother.
The mother smiled, showing her broken teeth and said, "Next time we have to go to Sanya, Sanya is a good place." Help me up, I'm going to practice walking. ”
My mother pressed her heavy body all over my arms, stumbled and took a hard step towards the future she longed for...