The general feeling of psychological counselors is that more and more middle-aged women can face up to their inner needs, and thus have the initiative of feelings.
Speak out about the emotional needs
Marriage after the age of 40 may be in a stable stage of "plain as water". However, the undercurrents that are surging beneath it can be reflected in the cases that counselors have come into contact with.
Illustration | Zhao Yang
Wu Rui, a consultant at Beijing Tongyu Psychological Legal Counseling, told the journal that she called this age stage a "relationship shuffling period." "When men and women are young, they may not be clear about what kind of partner they need. Over time, each other is growing again, and they find that the other is not their ideal object. Compared with 5 years ago, Wu Rui took over most of the cases of middle-aged women "being cheated", and she felt that the phenomenon of women in their 40s coming to tell about "empathy and love" has increased.
Interestingly, this trend of women "cheating" is not all supported by data. According to the emotional white paper released by "Lucky Knowledge Online", the first female psychological growth platform in China, in 2018, 70% of the 5,000 random visitors are married. Among the married groups, 52% of clients come to counseling because of extramarital affairs, of which women over the age of 45 have the highest proportion of consultations due to extramarital affairs. The vast majority of extramarital counseling is a situation where women are "cheated on". On the "Lucky Online" APP, courses such as "Coping Strategies for Wives After Husbands Cheat" and "Three Regression Paths for Cheating Husbands" are also aimed at women who are "cheated on".
Are middle-aged women active or passive in the marital relationship?
Cui Suzhen, a psychological counselor who launched a series of courses on dealing with extramarital love such as "Out of Betrayal" on "Lucky Knowledge Online", told this magazine that society has always had double standards for men and women to have extramarital affairs. "For example, a man, if he encounters this situation, may not be afraid to tell his friends, and even have a sense of 'conquest' to show off; while women, they are cautious, and perhaps even their girlfriends may not necessarily confide in their hearts." This will lead to the fact that women who come to consult about extramarital affairs are basically 'cheated' situations, they think that they are vulnerable in need of others to care for at this time, there is no moral flaw, so they are more willing to talk about it for attention. ”
And the situation of women having extramarital affairs has always existed in secret. This is also evident in a 2015 survey of "affairs" conducted by Pan Suiming, a sociologist at Renmin University, which covered more than 5,000 samples and ranged from 18 to 61 years old. The final conclusion is that about one in every 3 husbands and out of every 7.5 wives has ever "cheated". That's an astonishing number. Pan Suiming told this magazine that there were 6 developed countries in Europe and the United States that had done similar surveys before, and the average infidelity rate of men and women was 2%, that is, 2 out of 100 people.
With the increase in social acceptance and the increasing willingness of women to face up to and meet their emotional needs, the number of similar cases that Cui Suzhen has taken over is also increasing. "As consultants, we are able to perceive this subtle change. In the early years, customers were 'had to come', that is, psychological problems were serious to the brink of collapse; then 'can be put on the table to come', like those who have no moral pressure to say it; now they are emotionally confused and willing to take the initiative to seek counseling. Although such individual women are not enough for Cui Suzhen to start classes on the online platform, like the counselor Wu Rui, she is dealing with more and more women with such emotional experiences.
【Woman Forty】
Divorce, not afraid
When Su Ran first came to counseling, she only complained that she and her husband had been engaged in a sexless marriage for several years. Later, after understanding, the counselor learned that she had another boyfriend outside of marriage, and she did not care about the quality of the marriage with her husband. She chose to keep the marriage, in large part for the sake of the children, who were intimate with their grandparents. Under the control of the elderly, there is no need to worry too much, and the child's homework can be ranked at the top of the class. This can be said to be the biggest benefit that Su Ran received from marriage at that time. The things that can not be satisfied in marriage are all solved outside of marriage - once, the brother of the family got married, the husband refused to give a penny, and finally the boyfriend wrapped a red envelope.
This is a case of an extramarital affair that Wu Rui has inherited. "In the past, there was a stereotype of middle-aged women that they were afraid of divorce, worried that there would be no security after divorce at such an age. But in fact, in the case, I have seen that women can fully measure the pros and cons of a marriage, and there is a reason for choosing the form of marriage. Although there is a great crisis in suran's marriage, her personal emotions and needs are temporarily in balance. ”
However, this balance is fragile, as is most likely the case in Choi So-jeong's hands. "First, extramarital love involves polyamorous relationships, and there will be unstable factors at any time; second, women who are in extramarital love have a poor sense of boundaries." She tends to increase emotional investment, get deeper and deeper, and finally get no matching response, which becomes an unbalanced mentality. For example, there will be such a contrast, me and your original wife, who is more important? ”
Choi So-jeong will take them to assess what women want from extramarital relationships. She concluded that in middle-aged marriages, due to the lack of enthusiasm for running marriages, couples will have problems with emotional bonds, which are embodied in closeness, responsiveness and engagement. That is, are you there? Can you meet my needs? Do you value me enough? So, when the connection within marriage is not smooth enough, can the man outside the marriage meet all her expectations?
Cui Suzhen said that usually, men outside of marriage have adopted an avoidance mode, and they have difficulties in getting along with the relationship within marriage, so that the counseling partner will be entangled. But because it is outside of marriage, the other party will use a "retreat" attitude, and there is still a willingness to take the initiative to repair within marriage. So is it possible for a woman to explore her request for intimacy from the perspective of personal growth? If what women have been expecting is a father-like concern, it may have something to do with the pattern of the original family. Then the counselor will locate this problem and help women to improve from a personal psychological point of view.
"Self-growth will generally lead to different endings, one is that women grow up, and at the same time drive the male in the marriage relationship, the relationship between husband and wife will improve; the second is that they have grown, the past problem is no longer a problem, whether the husband and wife relationship is maintained or abandoned can be actively chosen." Cui Suzhen told this magazine that for middle-aged women's families, there is another feature, that is, the husband and wife are trying to repair the relationship for the sake of children. "They know that if they only maintain a formal marriage, it is very detrimental to the growth of their children, and they are more willing to set an example of pursuing happiness for the sake of their children."
But as for whether the marital relationship must be maintained, more women are keeping an open mind. "Otherwise they wouldn't come to a counselor, but would go to a dedicated 'salvage company.'" Choi So-jeong said.
Psychological counseling is to enable the client to clarify the inner pursuit and make the decision to obey the heart on their own; while the "salvage company" is a company that provides services, the results are first, with the goal of maintaining emotional relationships, and does not focus on solving problems at the root.
Choi so-jeong mentions a case in which a middle-aged woman divorced after learning of her husband's extramarital affair, but felt that she was an impulsive decision, so she approached Choi Su-jeong and asked if it was possible to reunite. After Cui Suzhen's analysis, she felt that the crux of the two people was that they had never been equal, and the respect she needed was not available to her husband. Including the husband's pregnancy of a third party, he did not want to be responsible for the woman and the child, and also let the woman indirectly see the husband's contemptuous attitude towards women. She finally firmed up her idea of divorce. Financially independent, why not leave this relationship that has always been out of balance?
Single, no anxiety
What is the status of another type of middle-aged woman who is not in a state of marriage?
Psychological counselor Zhao Yongyong used "no anxiety" to describe the single female counselors he saw. "10 years ago, women's anxiety about not having an object permeated all ages, as evidenced by the popularity of the life service program "Do Not Disturb". At that time, there were also girls who were in college who came to me for counseling, that is, how to resolve the anxiety of not being in love. Zhao Yongyong said to this magazine. The deeper cause behind this anxiety is the imbalanced ratio of men to women in cities. "There is a phenomenon of son preference in rural areas, so the population structure is more men than women; in cities, foreign women do not calculate the cost of settling down, and engaging in the tertiary industry naturally has advantages, so the population structure has gradually become a pattern of more women and fewer men." Zhao Yongyong wrote a column 10 years ago predicting that "sister-brother love" will be the trend of male and female unions in the future.
In 2008, when Zhao Yongyong's company was founded, in response to this pervasive sense of anxiety, he mainly taught love skills, and was called "the first institution in China to engage in love training" by the media. "It's some practical 'tricks' that teach students what kind of photos should be on dating sites, how to write personal monologues, and what topics to talk about on the first date." These are all methods that can be quickly effective. Zhao Yongyong said.
Nowadays, the feeling of marital anxiety has weakened. "Changes in social perception are the most important, with late marriage and late childbearing becoming more common, and the definition of 'older age' is also broadening." Although the sister-brother love is not everywhere, people obviously evaluate that it has changed, but they will admire the woman in such a relationship. With such changes, Zhao Yongyong's career positioning has also changed from the original love skills trainer to the role of a psychological counselor, that is, the auxiliary counseling object has changed from looking outward to looking inward, and has been changed by self-exploration. Although it takes a long time, it can fundamentally improve the situation, and it is also what single women are willing to try now.
Stills from episode 6 of "The Proud Wife"
Zhao Yongyong gave an example of a woman who complains that she is not attractive enough, and she cannot start or maintain an intimate relationship for so many years. The skill aspect can certainly help her change her speech and demeanor, but it is possible that she confuses the relationship between "real me" and "fake me" at the root of it. "Some people have been suppressed when they are very young, and what they have always shown is the 'false self', that is, the personality formed at the request of the outside world. Such people show a lack of creativity, not enough vitality, and do things that if other people don't give her an opinion, they don't know how to do it. Then we will enable them to listen to the call of their true thoughts. If you can release that 'true self', you will appear more personal and have personal charm. ”
In the view of psychological counselor Tao Sixuan, single middle-aged women can be divided into "passive single" and "active single", that is, they desire marriage and cannot, and choose not to marry. The former needs the help of a counselor, while the latter can live a full and abundant life on their own and will not seek psychological counseling.
"But there is a situation that under the pressure of society, I can't see my real needs, whether I want to get married or prefer to be single." Among Tao Sixuan's counseling partners was a female teacher of an "older" middle school named Han Xiao. In her own words, the past experience is that the family forced them to go on blind dates, "all the marriage and love clubs in Jiangsu, Zhejiang and Shanghai are all members." When she came to Tao Sixuan, she was very confused about her pursuit of marriage.
In the process of coming to the workshop, there is a link called "family system arrangement" psychological method, that is, different people to play the role of characters in the family situation, the person as a bystander to stand by the side to observe the problems arising in the family system. It was at that moment that Han Xiao felt that what she wanted was to be single, which was the most relaxed and pleasant state for her.
Tao Sixuan himself had a similar experience. She was an unmarried person from an early age because she considered herself a very egotistical person who "would make people panic like a stone" and needed plenty of private space. Marriage will connect both the two families of the man and the woman, and it will inevitably involve the handling of relations with other family members.
When Tao Sixuan was 40 years old, he was studying psychology in Italy. In Italy, middle-aged women are the age of favor, and society generally believes that rich experience will bring a special temperament to women, so there is no relationship between age and suitors. After returning to China, Tao Sixuan felt an unfriendly atmosphere for "older" women from her family to society, and there were several "blind dates" activities in the panic.
After this "wrong way", she clarified her pursuit again. Tao Sixuan said she wants a kind of "romantic love", which contains passion, companionship and commitment, which can happen within marriage or exist independently outside marriage. "This kind of love can be encountered but not sought, even if it is not available for the time being, there is no need to worry." Because at this age, for a 'actively single' woman like me, having a more colorful life and a career that needs more energy to invest, an emotional life, is just one part of it. ”
(This article was published in Sanlian Life Weekly, No. 29, 2019, click on the cover image at the end of the article to place an order with one click.) Intern journalists Zhang Jingyan and Li Xiaojie also contributed to this article)
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