It's a very tragic story, a story that makes people sigh.
〔1〕
It was the autumn of 1977, and the village was full of rumors about her lying on the tracks.
Of course I heard it too, and suddenly there was a feeling that my heart had been stabbed.
She was my classmate in junior high school, a neighbor in the same village, and the object of my crush.
She was very good, tall and beautiful, especially the big watery eyes, which looked particularly energetic. She does not like to laugh, and when talking to people, she always smiles at each other, and the speed of speech is not hurried, and she really has the feeling of the warbler swallow described in ancient books.
She has a nice family. His father was the deputy director of a county committee, and his mother was a literate and hyphenated housewife. Such a family, in the eyes of our countrymen, is a high-cadre family. In the eyes of my ignorant teenager, she was as noble as a princess.
I have a good impression of her, but I came from a humble background and came from a poor family, so I can only secretly like her in my heart, and I never dare to think differently. Subconsciously, she is the White Swan and I am the Toad.
She had a lot of books in her family, which her father had collected. I loved reading, went to her house to borrow books a few times, and had brief exchanges with her. She did not have condescending arrogance, but very sincerely and peacefully exchanged her experience of reading with me. Every time I talk, I feel sweet in my heart.
Therefore, when I heard the news of her suicide, I actually had a kind of pain in my heart. How could a good person take this path?
In my heart, she is like a flower, in her twenties, her life has not yet fully bloomed!
I'm sorry!
〔II)
I'm not a good inquirer. During that time, I paid special attention to the discussion of the villagers. I wanted to find out from the discussion of the people in the village why she had died.
Because, in my opinion, she is a girl who is very favored by fate. Born in a cadre family, it is not difficult at all financially, and there will be an enviable future in the future. Unlike those of us ordinary rural youth, our parents are farmers, our ancestors have been shaving and eating in the yellow land for generations, and the economy is eager to break a penny into two halves, looking forward to the future, the heart is at a loss, and perhaps they will be trapped in this yellow land for a lifetime.
In fact, she has jumped out of the yellow earth. A few years ago, her father arranged for her to work as a worker in the city. It is said that he is still in an administrative position, not a front-line worker.
We haven't seen each other in years. I feel that the distance between us has widened further, and the wisp of affection that I once had a crush on her in my heart has basically disappeared under the pressure of the unforgiving reality.
But I'm not the kind of person who is small-minded and hates when I don't get it. I didn't hate in my heart because I was just a crush and never confided a word to her. Even I thought that the person who had a crush on her would never be just me. At that time, the natural ecology was good, and the toad was never a rare species.
I wish her well from the bottom of my heart, I hope she has a good future, and I also hope that she can meet the people she loves.
I never imagined that she would give her youthful life to the cold track, to the ruthless train wheel.
Why is that? The pity and sorrow in my heart is beyond words.
〔III)
Gradually, the reasons behind her suicide began to become clear. Because, there are other people in our village and she works in a factory. This kind of explosive news is always something that people are willing to spread.
There is no doubt that she died of despair after the shattering of love.
Any girl has a beautiful fantasy about her love. So did she.
Her parents wanted to make decisions about her love, and she refused. It is said that several young people were introduced to her, two of whom her parents were very satisfied with after seeing them, but she did not agree. She has to choose her own partner in life, choose her own wishful thinking.
At some point, a young man came into her heart. The lad was also in their factory, a few years older than her, and seemed particularly mature, still a middle-level leader.
They talk about the world together, go to the future together, exchange reading experiences together, and discuss social life together.
She was happy with the lad. Satisfied with the boy's tall figure and healthy physique; satisfied with the young man's excellent work ability, witty and humorous conversation; more satisfied with the young man's concern for her and his thoughtfulness to her.
At some point, they fell in love with the darkness of the river and gave their bodies to each other. However, what they do is very secret, and no one knows. And, of course, her parents.
Later, she found out she was pregnant. Whether it's true or not, no one knows. Anyway, at that time, unlike now, girls felt that their meridians were not normal, and they could go to the hospital for examination. If it's true, just do a painless little surgery.
At that time, there was no relaxed and inclusive social environment now, girls were pregnant without marriage, and at that time there was great rebellion, that was bad customs, that was bad quality, that was dirty souls.
She hurried to discuss with the young man, wanting to tell both parents so that they could get married as soon as possible, so that the untimely little life would not become a time bomb that blew herself up.
However, she never imagined that the sweetheart who made her promise to her was actually a husband with a wife!
The news was like a thunderbolt on a sunny day, blowing her up at once.
She asked the boy: Why did you deceive me?
The lad replied: I didn't mean it. I've told you many times that I don't deserve you.
The young man said: I have filed for divorce several times, but the family does not agree.
She was silent. It was the other party she took the initiative to chase, and the other party did say that he was not worthy of her. She understands it as the gap between each other's family and her own. The other party was a peasant family, and she didn't care about it.
Now a big mistake is made. She suddenly didn't hate the other party anymore, hated herself for being blind, hated herself for being sloppy, hated herself for being too affectionate and desperate.
She did not dare to tell the family, for fear of her parents' thunderous anger. She didn't know what to do either. At that time, abortion required proof from the unit.
She thought of the embarrassment and embarrassment that ten eyes could see and ten hands pointed to after the matter was revealed. She is a person with strong self-esteem, usually pursuing perfection in her work, preferring to suffer more than she is criticized by the leadership.
However, now her self-esteem could not be preserved, as if "the style was corrupt", "broken shoes", and other ugly words came to her. She felt horrific horror.
[IV]
After a moment of panic, she thought of dying.
At this time, she was calm.
It's the weekend. She went to the factory bath to take a shower, returned to the dormitory, changed into her favorite clothes, and walked out of the factory door. All this was done calmly, and no one noticed anything abnormal.
Standing outside the factory gate, someone saw her turning back toward the factory office building and looking at her affectionately. It was her final farewell to the factory. After all, she spent the best youth of her life here.
After watching for a while, she walked lightly toward the south.
Two or three miles to the south of the factory, there is a railway, that is, the Longhai Railway, and there are many trains passing by every day. There are many sweet potato fields on both sides of the railway, and sweet potatoes have been harvested. However, there are still a few farmers who recover in the field, that is, use hoes to plan out the remaining sweet potatoes in the field.
She came to the railroad, and no one noticed her, the girl who was going to hand herself over to the tracks and wheels.
She lifted her head, looked at the sunset in the west, looked at the persimmon forest on the side of the railway that had been stained red with frost, and smiled poignantly, she wanted to say a final goodbye to all this.
Boom, the train is coming soon. At this moment, she calmly stepped onto the railway and sat on the tracks. The train roared away, and her young life, gently flying into the sky, turned into a white cloud...
〔5)
She was forever separated from the world.
Some of her farewell to the world were dictated by others, and some were my imagination. As my former crush, I wanted to write about her departure with some beauty.
Soon someone called the police, and the next thing was to deal with the aftermath. The boy's self-blame, the pain of her parents and loved ones, we can all imagine. I won't dwell on that.
I just feel sorry, that the loss of a young life is extremely heart-wrenching.
Years later, I still think of her sometimes. It can only be said that she was not born at the right time, and if she were put into the present, it would be such a trivial thing!
Out of respect for the deceased, I didn't want to write her name. Even though her name is as beautiful as her people!
I would like to take this as a tribute to the life of a youth who has passed away for decades!