Produced by Sa Jie
Two days ago, I saw such a piece of news.
A girl stood by the river and shouted "They don't love me" and cried very sadly.
Someone next to her kept trying to persuade her, but she kept shouting in her mouth, "Let go, go away, can you make me quieter?"
It turned out that the girl's parents were divorced, but they had been hiding it from her, and the moment she learned the truth, she collapsed.
Perhaps parents want to take care of their children's feelings, so they deliberately conceal it, but inadvertently let the girl have a feeling of "abandonment".
It's not that her parents don't love her, it's just that they love her in the wrong way, which will make her feel that her parents don't love her.
Have you found that when parents do their best to love their children, some children still feel that "parents don't love me".
Because parents do not "know" love, they will let children "lack love".
Some people ask: What will happen to children who have a serious lack of love in childhood when they grow up?
They lose love, become sensitive and vulnerable, and finally lose the ability to love themselves.
Especially the children of these families, when they grow up, they lack love the most.
01
"Repressive" education for families
There is a female guest named Fan Chengjin in the "Psychological Interview" column of CCTV.
When it comes to her parents, her biggest feeling is that "she has never been affirmed and praised by her parents, and there will always be only a blow."
As a child, she loved to delve and explore, and also designed shoes and clothes.
She deliberately showed her elaborate works to her parents, but their parents did not look at them and scolded her: "Are these things useful?" Can I eat it as a meal? ”
Mom thought she wasn't a good student and beat her up.
Even if the meal is not done well, her mother will taunt her: "You can't even do this, what else can you do?" ”
Never getting a word of praise and praise made her less and less confident.
After graduating from college, she was once very distressed because of her language barrier, but her parents still hit her:
"If you can do it in the future, I'll kneel down for you."
"If you do it, the dog can do it."
She said: "Even if I don't do it well, don't hurt me like this." ”
In a fit of anger, she simply did nothing and kept chewing at home.
Parents' usual "percussion education", sarcastic, negative language and constant provocative behavior make children feel that they will never be able to "do it".
If you hit it, say too much, it becomes true.
Criticizing or scolding a child without a bottom line will only belittle the child, dampen his self-esteem, and let the child have an illusion that "my parents don't love me, only love me after I become excellent."
When children are affected by this negative emotion, they will eventually become a sharp weapon to hurt others, hurt others and hurt themselves.
Educator Kai-Fu Lee once said:
Children who grow up in criticism, blame others;
Children who grow up in ridicule, shy of personality;
Children who grow up in encouragement are deeply confident;
Children who grow up in recognition like themselves.
Parents should not have high authority, but should have the experience of learning with their children.
Incorporating encouragement and affirmation into love can make it easier for children to walk.
02
Families who are excessively poor to raise children
I know that the last netizen shared his experience:
Since she was a child, her mother has told her to "know how to save and not to spend money indiscriminately", so she is rarely given pocket money.
At school, other children shared snacks with each other, ate spicy sticks together, and exchanged candy, and she always watched silently from the sidelines.
When the other child had beautiful new clothes, her white clothes were yellowed, and her mother did not buy one for her.
As a result, he was laughed at by his classmates: "Your mother doesn't love you." ”
When she complained to her mother, she got such a sentence: "Do you have to have it if others have it?" ”
She began to have a question in her mind: whether my parents loved me, because it was difficult for me to find evidence of love from my parents.
Blindly material poverty will make children have a sense of loss that "love but cannot be".
There is a name in psychology called "imposter syndrome", which refers to a state such as this:
Thinking that you don't deserve all the achievements, the state you are in, the love you get, thinking that you are an impostor.
The lack of money will gradually distort the child's values, let the child fall into the inferiority complex of "wanting but not daring to want" and "I don't deserve it", and will desperately use money to find the missing part of himself.
Education expert Ma Jian once told a case:
A little girl is overly poor by her parents, who never buy her anything and always control her to spend money.
When she grew up, the girl saw a crystal ball and liked it very much, and the boy who went out with her bought it for her at that time, and she fell in love with the boy.
If she can use money to buy something she likes, she feels that this is a manifestation of love.
Excessive material poverty will only lead to the child's lack of spirit, and it is necessary to use money to find the missing part of love, so it becomes "poor in heart".
The real poverty is to let the child learn to find it on his own when he can't satisfy you", rather than being trapped in the idea of "you are not worthy".
03
Parents often quarrel, discordant family
There was a primary school with a special class meeting. Every child can write on the blackboard the sentence they most want to say to their parents.
One of the most common sentences is: Mom and Dad, don't argue anymore.
Parents quarrel, on the surface has nothing to do with the child, but the picture of the parents arguing is like a horror movie for the child, making the child miserable and afraid.
Psychological studies have shown that children who grow up in high-conflict families have a 32% detection rate of psychological problems, which can lead to personality defects when severe.
Maybe the parents quarrel, they are not abusing the child, but the child will become particularly "sensible", because the child will have a "is not good enough to make the parents angry" and become cautious.
Metch in the movie "What Maech Knows" is a 6-year-old girl.
Her parents often quarreled and even blamed and insulted each other in front of her without hesitation.
Metch thinks that she is not good enough to cause her parents to quarrel often. Therefore, she always behaved well and sensibly in front of her parents, hoping to get along with her parents in exchange.
But to no avail.
Gradually, she no longer tried to stop her parents, but closed her heart, did not want to communicate with her parents anymore, and gradually suffered from depression.
When parents quarrel, the child becomes particularly sensible, which is not a sign of getting better, but the child is forbearing and pleasing the parents, and it is the child's suppression of self-emotions.
Families without temperature will not let children feel love, nor will they learn to love.
Satya said: Husband and wife are the architects of the family, and the family loved by the parents is like a warm love nest, giving the child enough security.
A pair of loving parents will create a warm child, so family harmony is the biggest background for children.
04
Families who often neglect their children
There is such a piece of news.
A boy argued with his mother and called in the police in disgust.
In front of the police, the boy cried and complained:
She always perfunctory me, every exam is the top 100, but my mother not only does not praise me, but also perfunctory sentence 'no zero score on the test';
Sometimes, let my mother check my homework, and she always plays with her mobile phone on the side, ignoring me;
The most excessive thing is that the school teacher let me write a message, and she let me play by myself...
Only children who are often neglected will accumulate so many grievances.
Neglect and neglect again and again are like punishment for children, painful and sad, and they will think that "Mom and Dad don't care about me at all."
In the early childhood environment, it is dependent on the attention of parents to obtain safety, if parents do not respond, do not pay attention, will let the child fall into the vicious circle of "I am not loved", just like mental abuse.
The girl in "Strange Life", Chun Xia, said this when talking about intimate relationships: "I have never seen a happy marriage." ”
Her parents divorced since she was a child, her father died very early, and she has always lived with her mother.
Her mother rarely had time to be with her and often ignored her. She was bullied and isolated by her peers, but her mother never knew about it, so she became very sensitive and vulnerable.
Later, when she fell in love early, her boyfriend tricked her into stealing the family's money and mobile phone, because she longed for the love that her boyfriend gave her, so she did not refuse.
Because she had never felt happiness or how to maintain happiness, she had always been afraid in intimate relationships.
When the parent-child relationship lacks "emotional interaction", the child is like a floating piece of wood, and the heart is always unstable and insecure.
There is a saying in "Strange Story": "Between people, what is needed is a sense of being seen." ”
Children need the attention and vision of their parents in order to find a sense of existence, so that children can feel that "I am loved".
Keigo Higashino wrote in "Shisheng": Everyone wants to be born in a good family, but they can't choose their parents, and what kind of card you give, try to play it well.
We can't choose to be born, but we can give our children a good family of origin.
There may not be a good material to give, but it can warm the child's heart;
Even if the child is not too good, but in the environment of "loving and being loved", growing up worry-free, the child is not afraid of wind and rain and fear.
Nourishing a child's childhood with love is the background of his life's happiness.