Since the beginning of the new century, Guizhou's literature has been colorful, from the "post-60s" to the "post-80s", outstanding writers have emerged one after another, and they have become a new force in accelerating the construction of a colorful and culturally strong province in Guizhou. The column "Dynamic and Static Literature" recommends the works of Guizhou writers in the form of excerpts. This issue is one of the fifth chapters of Wang Wenxue's "Modern Interpretation of Traditional Chinese Human Relations" - "Discussion on the Reasons for the Closeness of Ancestors and Grandchildren".
In civil society, both the eldest son and the grandparent share the shared experience of slipping from the centre of the family to the margins, thus forming a common character of loss and nostalgia, sympathy and natural closeness.
Text: Wang Wenxue
Excerpt: Dai Dani
Title image: AI
What is the reason for the closeness of grandchildren?
In traditional Chinese society, the relationship between grandparents and grandchildren is much closer than the estrangement and isolation of fathers and sons. Looking at the reasons for their closeness, I think there are three main aspects:
First, in traditional Chinese society, grandparents often spend more time in contact with each other than between fathers and sons.
As a young father, in order to support his parents and raise his children, he had to step out of the family. His work stage is outside the family, or farming, or business, or wandering, in short, he must go out of the family to the outside world to realize the value of his life, or earn enough money to support the old and the young. As a result, he has less time to contact with his children, so it is easy to feel alienated and strange between father and son.
As a grandfather, because of his health, he returned to the family from the outside world to live in the family. Therefore, he spends more time in contact with his grandchildren, and there is more understanding and consideration between his grandchildren, and it is easy to develop a sense of closeness.
Second, unlike father-son relationships, role expectations between grandparents and grandchildren tend to be more modest and realistic.
As mentioned above, the estrangement and antagonism of the father-son relationship is caused by the unrealistic role expectations of both fathers and sons of each other.
Once the son's expectations of the father's idealized and heroic role are shattered, the son's dissatisfaction with the father will lead to the son's dissatisfaction with the father. The father expects his son to become a filial son because he wants to realize his own value, and imposes his own experience on his son, which leads to the son's resistance to the father and the father's dissatisfaction with the son. This is how the estrangement and antagonism of the father-son relationship came about.
Unlike this, grandparents and grandchildren have a deeper understanding and consideration because they get along day and night, and they get along more peacefully, and neither of them has high expectations for each other's roles. Grandsons generally do not have unrealistically idealized and heroic role expectations of their grandfathers, and thus do not have the dissatisfaction that follows the disappointment of expectations.
In addition, the realization of the grandfather's own value is mainly through the son rather than the grandson. At the same time, the grandfather's own maintenance responsibility is mainly borne by the son rather than the grandson. Therefore, the grandfather is tolerant and loving to his grandson, and his expectations and demands for his grandson are far less strong and strict than those of the father for his son, and it is easier for them to live in peace.
Third, there is a deeper psychological basis for the closeness of grandchildren and grandchildren. Once a person enters old age, its psychological characteristics often have many similarities with children, and the idiom "rejuvenation" is a good illustration.
Therefore, I believe that it is precisely because the psychological characteristics of the elderly (grandfather) and the child (grandchild) are relatively close that they are also easy to get close to emotionally.
What does "the people love their children" mean?
First, as mentioned earlier, the father-son relationship has a development process from idealization to estrangement and antagonism. As the eldest son grows up, the father-son relationship gradually develops from the idealized stage to the estranged and antagonistic stage. As a result, parents, especially fathers, tend to transfer their love and compassion to younger children, because when the relationship between the father and the eldest son is alienated and antagonistic, the relationship with the younger child is in the idealized stage, so it is easier to get closer.
Second, parents' love for young children is also related to the psychology of parents sympathizing with the weak. Relatively speaking, there is a gap between the eldest son and the younger son in terms of age, physical and psychological, and the young son is in a disadvantaged position in terms of physical condition and psychological quality of the eldest son. The father loves the young son, and it is precisely the love that is inclined to the disadvantaged.
Third, it is related to the responsibility of child support. In ancient China, imperial families and large families practiced the primogeniture inheritance system, so the responsibility of supporting parents was mainly borne by the eldest son. However, in civil society, property is often inherited equally among brothers, or equally between father and child; The way in which such property is distributed and the responsibility for maintenance is still prevalent in contemporary rural households.
Since the responsibility of supporting parents is mostly borne by the few children, the parents love and pity the young children, and to a certain extent, it is to prepare for the elderly in advance.
Why "grandparents love their eldest grandson very much"
Because of the parents' love for the young son, the eldest son is in a neglected position in the family, so a universal firstborn character is formed.
The French writer Moroir said: "The order in which a child is born plays a major role in the formation of his character." The first child is almost always pampered. After the birth of the second, the warmth of the parents of the first must be shared with this adversary, and he even felt that he had been neglected for the sake of the newborn one, and he felt bitter because of it. And for the naïve eldest son who was just taking shape, this was indeed a sudden change, a deep sorrow, leaving a trace of indelible pain. The mental type of the eldest son (or eldest daughter) is recognizable throughout his life. The first one was nostalgic for the past, he was conservative, some were sad, and he loved to talk about his childhood, because it was his happiest years. And the youngest Jizi is also a pampered child, especially when he is far from the eldest brothers, he is happier, because no other younger siblings have to take him away. ”
It is worth noting that the conservative, pessimistic and nostalgic character of the eldest son pointed out by Moroa is instructive for us to understand the human phenomenon of "grandparents often love their eldest grandson very much". As mentioned above, in the family, the childhood firstborn is often in a neglected position.
Similarly, the role of grandparents in the family gradually shifts from the center to the periphery as they age and the body ages. Although honoring the elderly is the highest virtue in traditional society, young and strong parents always unconsciously pour their love into their children.
At the same time, due to the loss of the central position of the family, as well as the aging of the body and age, they also generally have a pessimistic, conservative, nostalgic, and lost mood. This emotion is basically in line with the firstborn personality.
So, I think: in civil society, both the eldest son and the grandparents have the common experience of slipping from the center of the family to the margins, and thus form a common character of loss and nostalgia, and they are naturally easy to get close to. On the other hand, because their personalities are generally similar, they are more relatable. This is the main reason why Yuan Cai pointed out that "grandparents are often extremely loving to their eldest grandson".
About the Author:
(Reporter: Dai Danni)