My daughter learned that some of my classmates' mothers were engineers and some were scientists, but she couldn't tell me what my profession was.
The teacher asked her daughter, "What does your mother usually do?"
The daughter replied, "My mother does housework at home every day. ”
The teacher told her daughter that she should be a housewife.
When I got home, my daughter asked me what a housewife was. I almost cried, as a master's degree from a prestigious school, I have been a housewife for seven years.
One night, while wiping her daughter's body, my mother was angry at me: "How did you become a mother? Let her drink such cold milk, and now she has diarrhea, wow wow crying, and adults are all guilty." ”
I was thinking about how to refute it, when Jing Hao came back from the laboratory, and when he saw this scene, he hurriedly persuaded me: "Our mother is from here, and she has experience, so you just listen to her, don't do so much." ”
Seeing him with a straight face, he denied me with a light word, and I was stung all of a sudden.
"What do you know? The book says that if you heat the milk to 40 degrees Celsius, if the temperature is too high, the nutrients will be lost! Do you know how many parenting books I have read and how many posts I have read on the Internet? What have you done for your children? Why can you go to school every day as usual to do experiments and have dinner with your brothers and sisters, but what about me? I can't go anywhere......
The more I spoke, the more sad I became, and the pitch became higher and higher, until at last I couldn't scream anymore, and I fell to the ground and broke down and cried.
Jing Hao was frightened by me and wanted to come over and hug me, but I pushed him hard and didn't let him get close. My mother also tried to comfort me, but the little girl clung to her, crying louder than I did, and the whole house was in chaos.
This is in the northeastern countryside of the United States, far from home, away from friends, with three generations crowded into a 50-square-meter apartment, I am like a hedgehog full of scales, and I have an emotional breakdown at every turn.
Half a month later, Jing Hao said that he had found an internship in Silicon Valley and was going to California for three months during the summer vacation. I couldn't help but roar again: "My daughter is not yet half a year old, you left us and my mother to go so far away, how can you bear it?"
Jing Hao grabbed my hand and explained: "This opportunity is rare, it was recommended by the tutor, and the income is quite high." If you perform well, you can officially join the company, and then we won't have to live so hard. ”
Hearing the word "struggling" made me go limp like a deflated ball.
Jing Hao is right, we are indeed living in poverty. Because I had no income, and we couldn't afford to rent a big house thanks to Jing Hao's meager scholarship, so we could only cram four people into a small apartment, and our homes were often in shambles.
"But can't you go to Chicago? Chicago is a big city. Do you know how far California is, six hours to fly? Chicago is only a three-hour drive away, and you can come back and see us on the weekend. Aren't you really here to hide from us?"
I was agitated again, and tears began to fall.
In the days that followed, I used to shut myself up in the open closet, kicking the door and crying. In the room, there is a photo wall of my design on the wall, my Halloween jack-o'-lantern on the table, and a Christmas tree that I decorated in the living room, but these former goodies have been replaced by piles of clutter, diaper boxes, and toys scattered all over the place.
I don't know why life is the way it is.
Jing Hao and I met in the engineering laboratory of a famous university in China.
That year, I was in my senior year, he was in his second year of graduate school, and he taught me my graduation project. After that, the two of us fell in love for a year, and Jing Hao went abroad to study for a doctorate. While I was in graduate school at this university, I maintained a long-distance relationship with him.
On the eve of graduating from his third year of graduate school, Jing Hao passed the qualification examination for doctoral students in the United States. He proposed to me and asked me to accompany him to live in the United States.
With the support of both parents, I ran to the other side of the ocean with infinite longing.
It's a remote location, and the prices are very low, but the transportation is inconvenient, and I have to drive a long way to get there, so most of the time, I stay at home alone.
At first, I enjoyed this kind of day, and finally I didn't have to be chased by classes, homework, and papers, and I had a lot of time to surf the Internet, watch dramas, and read novels.
I was so idle that I started to think about my cooking skills again, and I changed my tricks every day to make delicious food for Jing Hao, what sweet and sour pork ribs, braised fish, tomato brisket, I did it all well.
After half a year, I began to feel depressed. When studying in China, your spare time life should not be too rich, shopping, singing, watching movies, it is very convenient to go wherever you want. But now, it takes half an hour to drive to a Chinese supermarket, and the only movie theater with Chinese movies is in Chicago, a three-hour drive away.
Jing Hao has a second-hand Camry, and after I got my driver's license, I also wanted to drive out by myself, but Jing Hao was never at ease. He went out with me a few times to practice, and I either took the wrong way or didn't see the red light and braked suddenly, which scared him enough.
He clutched the armrest of the car tightly and raised his voice to remind me: "Look at the road, you are driving the wrong car again, why are you so careless?" Over time, I didn't want to drive anymore.
I can't drive, I don't have an identity in the U.S., and I can't get a job. I am on an F2 visa and am a companion status, and the laws of the United States do not allow me to work. Even if I wanted to serve dishes in a restaurant, I would only be considered a black worker.
I went to a job fair organized by a women's mutual aid group, and it was full of people, and I stood all day, and my legs were weak in the queue, and I didn't send out a few resumes.
Jing Hao asked me if I wanted to re-study for an American degree, and there would be more options in the future. But I've been studying for seven years, and I really don't want to study anymore.
Soon after, I found out I was pregnant, and all plans were put on hold.
After my daughter Xiaoxiao was born, my mother flew all the way to the United States to take care of me. She has sleep disorders and can't stay night, so I take care of her at night, feeding, burping, changing diapers, and getting up three or four times a night.
Jing Hao is in his fourth year of Ph.D. and is at the busiest time of his studies, but when he comes home every night, he will help me with household chores.
In my heart, everyone in the family did their best, but I felt that I was the loneliest person in the world.
Sometimes, when I see their daughter crying in a hurry, I feel like I'm in another time and space, and I keep falling. I cried out, but they couldn't see me, they couldn't hear me, until there was a thud and I fell into a pool of dark water.
After a series of quarrels with Jing Hao, I went to the postpartum emotional department of the hospital, and then I learned that I had postpartum depression.
On a B1 visa in the United States, you can only visit relatives for a maximum of 6 months, and the mother will soon be leaving. Jing Hao arranged her mother-in-law's trip to the United States early.
Not long after we got acquainted with each other, Jing Hao flew to Silicon Valley. Although my mother-in-law is very good to me and my little daughter, Jing Hao is not at home, and no matter how much emotion I have, I can only swallow it back into my stomach silently.
Three months later, Jing Hao's internship ended, and he successfully got the regular offer and returned to us.
The mother-in-law was very happy: "Look at how good my son is, he came to the United States to study for a doctorate, and he didn't spend a penny on the family." Now that we've got a job at a big Silicon Valley company, it's a blessing for our family. ”
Reason told me that my mother-in-law didn't mean to squeeze me when she said this, but I still felt harsh. Jing Hao is very good, so what about me? In addition to Jing Hao's wife and Xiaoxiao's mother, where is my value?
After graduating with Dr. Jing Hao, my family moved to Silicon Valley, California. Silicon Valley is made up of many satellite cities, from Sanban to the north, San Jose to the south, and Berkeley to the east, dotted with large companies and dotted with residential neighborhoods.
The roads in California are wider and there are more cars, and Jing Hao is still not confident about my driving skills and is not allowed to go on the highway. We deliberately rented the apartment in a convenient neighborhood, and I dropped off my kids to the nursery and the supermarket to buy groceries, just a short walk away.
In this way, it took more than half a year to let the old man return to China.
In the Mid-Autumn Festival of the second year after moving to Silicon Valley, Jing Hao took my daughter and I to a park to participate in alumni reunion activities held by several famous domestic universities.
Alumni will eat barbecue in the park
The organizers specially prepared marshmallows for the children, and I couldn't find a place to lead my daughter through the crowd.
Suddenly, a girl stopped me: "Are you Chen Yufei? I have an impression of you, we are both from the School of Information Engineering of X University, you are electronic, I am software, do you remember me?"
Looking at the girl with a sweet smile in front of me, I have a rare impression, but I can't remember her name. She said that her English name was Julie, and I quickly asked my daughter to call her aunt, and then exchanged a few words with her.
After graduating from Dr. Julie, she did not pursue academic pursuits, but went to work on a research project at a well-known company. When she heard that I was home full-time, she was visibly surprised and didn't continue the conversation.
At this time, Jing Hao came to us and felt that this girl was familiar, saying that they had met at some international conferences, and they had the impression that her thesis level was very high.
Although it was just an objective evaluation, I don't know why, it made me feel embarrassed for a moment.
My daughter was having fun with her children, so I quickly took out my phone, opened the website and searched for Julie's information. When I saw that she went to an Ivy League school for a Ph.D. after graduating from her bachelor's degree, and had interned at two large companies before graduation, and her resume was shiny, I admitted that I was jealous.
That day, Jing Hao met many outstanding alumni, and his daughter was also having a good time, and it was just me, who was hardly in the mood to eat. When I went home and put my daughter to sleep, I mustered up the courage to ask Jing Hao: "Is that girl today more compatible with you?"
"Which girl?"
"That's the one, Prin graduated, and you said she had a very high level of thesis. "I was so anxious that my face turned red.
"She's really powerful, but what does this have to do with me?" Jing Hao didn't know what kind of flying vinegar I was eating.
I felt like I couldn't make sense with him, so I went to the bathroom to take a shower in a distraught.
I thought, I've got to work. Jing Hao has won the H1b (work visa) in the first half of the year and helped me change to H4 spouse status, which also means that I can finally apply for a work permit and find a formal job in the United States.
But what can I do?
When I think about it, it seems like I've never done anything on my own. Although he claims to have graduated from a prestigious school, his university graduation thesis was completed with the help of Jing Hao. The graduate thesis also has his remote supervision.
I used to be very proud, with Jing Hao pampering, I didn't have to worry about anything. But I'm a mom now, and I can't do anything about my children. It is not my part to intervene in which neighborhood we live in and what school our children will send in the future.
Two days ago, when my daughter came back from school, she innocently asked me what a "housewife" was, and she said, "Other children's mothers are engineers and scientists, and my mother seems to be doing housework at home every day." ”
The teacher told her that it was supposed to be a housewife.
At that moment, I broke the defense, my mouth pouted, and I almost cried. I looked into my daughter's eyes and said word by word, "Mom won't be a housewife for the rest of her life." ”
My daughter didn't seem to understand, stretched out her soft little hand and rubbed it on my face, fiddled with a smile, and then said sweetly: "Mom, don't be unhappy, no matter what you do, I will always love you." ”
Hearing this, I felt even more aggrieved.
After washing up in a hurry, when I returned to the bedroom, I found that Jing Hao had fallen asleep.
I grabbed him by the shoulders and shook him awake: "Do you think I'm going to get a job?"
He rolled over: "If you want to find a job, you can go and look for it, aren't you all at home during the day? ”
I was so depressed that I lay in bed and burned cakes, tossing and turning, and couldn't sleep. I kept recalling the tone and demeanor of my daughter when she said the word "housewife". Does she dislike me? Does she think I'm inferior to other mothers?
I shook Jing Hao's arm again: "What kind of job do you think I can find? If I don't do professional work, I can only go to the supermarket as a cashier, or go to the clinic as a dental assistant, can you accept this?"
It's a pity that only Jing Hao's even snoring voice responded to me.
Since that alumni meeting, I have been pulled into an alumni group by Julie, and occasionally I can see information about people discussing employment and internal referrals.
I've found that in Silicon Valley, a place full of tech companies, switching to computers is the clearest and most replicable path.
The apartment where the protagonist Silicon Valley lives
I'm not sure if Jing Hao agrees with me changing careers, so I'm going to try it first.
So, I hid from Jing Hao and signed up for a computer training course run by Chinese online. The teacher starts with the most basic grammar, then slowly transitions to data structures and algorithms, and finally teaches everyone to brush up on the questions.
There is a question bank for interviews in American technology companies, and if you want to pass the interview, you have to use the tactics of a sea of questions, brushing up and consolidating questions day and night.
People say that I was stupid for three years after pregnancy, and when I started studying again, I obviously felt that my memory had deteriorated dramatically. For example, in Java syntax, the length of the array is length, and the length of the array list is size, which is a simple problem that I get wrong repeatedly. Every time I write my homework, I feel that it is very difficult, and it takes me ten hours to complete it in five hours.
Once, I couldn't do my homework, so I paced back and forth around the house in frustration, thinking as I went, and pulled down a big clump of hair. After pondering for an hour or two, I finally cleared my mind, sat down in front of the computer and started typing code.
When I looked up after finishing my homework, I suddenly realized that it was almost dark.
Broken, forgot to pick up the kids. I picked up my phone and looked, and sure enough, there were several missed calls from the teacher and Jing Hao.
I hurriedly got dressed and went out, and before I reached the garage, I heard the voices of Jing Hao and his daughter.
When Jing Hao saw me, his face changed.
It wasn't until after dinner and the child went to play in the house that he pulled me into the kitchen: "What's the matter with you today? Do you know how pitiful it is for my girl to stand at the door and wait for you? The teacher called you and no one answered, and I rushed over before I finished the session." Chen Yufei, do you know that you are a mother, can you have a sense of responsibility!"
"I'm sorry, it's me who is not good, it's me who forgot the time to study......" I confessed my mistake vigorously.
"I know you're teaching yourself how to use computers, and I've seen you write code on your computer these days. Do you think that you will be able to find a job after attending a training class? This line of work is very hard, can you endure that hardship? When I asked you if you wanted to study again, you said you didn't want to, why is it that you are almost 30 years old now, and you have suddenly changed your sex? Isn't the most important thing for you now to take good care of your children and take care of your family?"
At first, I thought he was right, but the more I got back, the more angry I became.
"So I'm thirty years old, should I accept my fate and can't start studying again? I'm not your employee, can't I have any other identity except to be a good wife for you and a good mother for Xiaoxiao?"
The two of us quarreled louder and louder, and my daughter was alarmed, and she knocked on the kitchen door outside, crying out, "Dad, don't be angry with your mother, she must not have forgotten to pick me up on purpose." ”
My nose was sore, and I hurriedly went out and hugged her: "Don't be afraid, my father and I won't quarrel." ”
After arguing with Jing Hao, he didn't take the initiative to talk to me very much. Every day, except for the children's affairs, the two of us have almost zero communication.
I've been teaching myself computer science for half a year and I've tried to apply to a few small companies, but my resume is all lost, and I don't know what I'm doing wrong.
In the past, when I encountered difficulties, I could talk to Jing Hao. But now, before I could speak, Jing Hao shook his face: "Aren't you capable? ”
Whenever this happens, my daughter will always rush out to protect me: "Don't talk about my mother like that, my mother studies very hard!"
I looked at my daughters' homework at school, and the teacher asked them what their moms like to do at home, and she wrote very seriously: if mom has time, she will write her new homework.
The daughter dictated and the teacher ghostwrote
My efforts, the child saw it, and I believe Jing Hao also saw it, but I don't know why he was indifferent. Moreover, I noticed that he came back later and later, as if he was deliberately working late to avoid communicating with me.
But one time, when I was doing my homework until half past twelve in the morning, he crept in the door, poured me a glass of water, and whispered, "Go to bed early." ”
I thought our relationship had eased. But after that, he still came home late and didn't talk to me much.
I had insomnia on and off for several weeks, I couldn't stand it anymore, and I wanted to go out for a walk alone, so I found a park on the Internet that I hadn't been to and set off in my own car.
I usually go to the supermarket and pick up and drop off the kids, the routes are familiar, and this is the first time I drive to a new place alone.
Because of lack of sleep, my head was groggy, and after a little distraction, I realized that I had missed the intersection. When I saw a new intersection and turned right, I walked for 30 seconds before I realized that the cars around me were driving fast.
I glanced to the right, good guy, the speed limit is 65 mile/h! I suddenly came to my senses, I was on the highway.
Jing Hao was not around, I could only hold on to the steering wheel and keep telling myself: Chen Yufei, you have to be calm, calm down, it is not so difficult to drive at high speed.
When I successfully followed the navigation and drove off the highway, found the park, and pulled the car over, I breathed a sigh of relief - it turned out that I really could.
In the past, Jing Hao didn't let me get on the highway, and I didn't think I could do it, so I never tried. In fact, I have been a driver for so many years, and I have long had the skills to drive on the highway.
I think that the same must be true for changing careers, failure is only temporary, and I will definitely succeed.
After walking in the park for an hour, I was in a good mood, and for the first time posted the location and the photos I just took on the circle of friends, and then sang a little song, and drove home on the highway again.
That afternoon, Jing Hao unexpectedly did not work overtime, offered to pick up the children, and then took us out for a big meal.
The daughter was very happy, and she chattered and pestered her father all night.
When I got home, I guessed that Jing Hao had something to say to me, so I urged the child to sleep early. At ten o'clock in the evening, the two of us sat on opposite sides of the dining table with a cup of hot water in our hands.
Jing Hao kept frowning and was silent, and just when I was about to lose patience, he finally spoke: "Our company has laid off employees. ”
"What? are you alright?" I jumped up from my chair in fright, clutching his hand.
"I'm fine, but my leader, the two high-level engineers in the group, have been laid off. ”
It turned out that last night, these laid-off employees were told that they didn't have to go to work tomorrow and went directly to a hotel to report for duty. Immediately after receiving the email, they also lost access to the company's systems. This morning, everyone was in the hotel, one by one, HR and superiors interviewed to discuss compensation after layoffs.
In fact, some time ago, Jing Hao vaguely heard the wind, so he worked overtime every day. also because he didn't work long hours and his salary hadn't risen to the standard of being laid off, so he was lucky to be retained.
"After this layoff, I realized that my job is not safe at all. Now that I think about it, if I am the one who is laid off, then I will have to find another job within 60 days or my immigration status will be revoked. When the time comes, our whole family will have to leave the United States.
"I'll admit it, I was a little selfish before, I was afraid that you would be too busy to take care of me and the child. But now that I think about it, we are a family, a whole, and you have a stable job, which is also another guarantee for me. ”
He also said that at noon, he saw the circle of friends I posted.
"It's a long way to the park, I didn't expect you to be able to drive there alone. These days, you study late into the night every day, and I feel distressed, as if I see myself staying up late to write my dissertation when I was studying for a PhD. I've always wanted to talk to you, but the layoffs are undecided......"
Jing Hao babbled a lot, as if since the birth of our daughter, the two of us have never talked so long.
With this layoff, I have strengthened my determination to find a job and started a new round of resume delivery.
No matter what business the company does, as long as it is software-related work, I have invested in it all over the time.
In the beginning, every hour or two, I would open my phone to refresh the email, but what popped up was either an e-commerce ad or a bank statement.
In order to enrich the project experience, I made a small website according to the online tutorial and updated it in my resume.
A month later, I received an interview invitation from a cloud computing company. That morning, I read the email twice, then grabbed freshly peeled eggs and jumped around the room.
When my daughter saw me so excited, she stupidly followed me and jumped from the kitchen to the living room with two small hands.
Jing Hao couldn't help laughing: "You remember to make the interview a little late, so that you can be well prepared." ”
I replied to the email to HR, deliberately postponed the interview until two weeks later, and then went to the forum to collect the "interview scriptures" and study them carefully.
The night before the interview, I read the questions I had brushed up again and tossed until almost 2 o'clock before falling asleep.
At 10 a.m. the next morning, the interviewer called, and I felt my voice trembling all the time, and I stammered after reciting the self-introduction several times.
When I was doing the questions, my mind was blank, and the questions seemed to be seen, but how to write them, my thinking kept getting knotted. I know I'm out of fun.
Sure enough, at 5 p.m. that day, I received a rejection letter. That night, I was so uncomfortable that I lay down without eating.
It can be seen that the fast-track learning method of taking the test cannot escape the critical eyes of American interviewers.
Frustrated, I thought of Julie, who works for a large company and might be able to give me advice.
Julie read my resume and quickly replied, "There are so many people who want to change careers now, and if you don't have a degree in computer science, mathematics or other related majors, the first round may be automatically filtered out." Even if you get an interview by chance, it is easy for the interviewer to find out that your foundation is weak. ”
In other words, the most practical way is to apply to a school and systematically study computer courses.
After going around in a circle, I got back to square one, and I still had to go back to school.
My daughter was still young, and I couldn't go to school too far, so I targeted the local university in Silicon Valley.
I graduated from a prestigious school in China, and my GPA is also in the upper middle, the only condition missing is English, and I need a TOEFL score that is enough to apply for.
The first time I took the TOEFL, I was full of confidence, and I only familiarized myself with the question type and went to take it. I don't think my English is bad, and after living in the United States for so many years, I should have the TOEFL at my fingertips.
Who knows, I only scored 88 points, and I didn't even meet the minimum requirement of 90 in several schools.
Jing Hao had a stinky face and scolded me severely: "Do you think it's a joke? There can be no shortcomings in each item, and you are changing careers, so you should prepare everything you can prepare." ”
In order to allow me to prepare for the exam with peace of mind, Jing Hao took on most of the tasks of picking up and dropping off children. He also organized a group of dads, and every Saturday with a few dads, he took the children out for mountain climbing and outings.
My daughter, a ghost elf, knew that I was going to take the oral test, and sometimes she would shake her head and correct me like a little teacher: "Mom, we don't usually talk like this, you should say ...... like this"
After three months of studying frantically, I came out of the exam room for the second time and felt stable.
On the day of the score check, when I lost the test number, my hands were shaking all the time, and I didn't even lose a few times. Jing Hao couldn't stand it anymore, so he pushed me aside and said, "I'll come, I'll come." I didn't dare to look at him, but I kept holding on to him.
Until I heard him laugh: "Chen Yufei, you scored 102 points in the exam, you succeeded, why is my wife so good." ”
I immediately hugged my daughter and lifted her up and spun her around: "Mommy can go to school, mom can go to school." ”
After finishing the TOEFL, I found that my application was still short of three letters of recommendation.
I contacted my supervisor when I was in graduate school, I asked the teacher who taught algorithm in the training class, and finally the referee, I thought of Julie.
Julie said: "Yufei, you are now like the shy girl at the beginning, and you have a different goal. ”
"Yes, I seem to have returned to the time of the college entrance examination, trying to sprint to get into a prestigious university. After so many years at home, I almost forgot that I was once a top student. "I was overwhelmed with emotion.
In the process of waiting for the results of the application, I felt like I had experienced the torment of submitting my resume again.
Just in case, I also applied for online master's programs at two community colleges and two universities out of state.
In December, Silicon Valley had entered winter, and it was getting dark earlier, and my mood was getting more and more anxious.
I found that the school I wanted to go to the most had already completed the first round of offers, and I was restless at home. I remembered that Jing Hao said that when he applied for a doctorate, it was very important to talk to the professor. So, I also had the idea of going to the school to meet the teacher.
So, I took advantage of the open day to go to the school to have a trial class, and I also talked to the teacher in charge, and I worked hard to promote myself.
One after another, I received offers from community colleges, and I also received offers from the university I wanted to go to the most. To my surprise, they also decided that I was a good candidate and waived 25% of my tuition fees.
I don't know if "selling myself" worked, but anyway, my application season was over.
At the age of 32, I re-registered as a freshman in the United States. After graduating with a master's degree in two years, I will be able to find a relatively high-paying job.
And her daughter Xiaoxiao has also become a glorious primary school student.
The protagonist's college campus
On the first day of school, Jing Hao commanded our mother and daughter, holding two identical calendar papers, and taking pictures at the door of the house.
He said that this is a new beginning and there must be a sense of ritual.
In the photo, my daughter and I are smiling sweeter than the other.