While reading the latest issue of Reader magazine, I discovered the concept of a "toxic family."
The author Bei Xiaorong said in the article:
If a normal family is like a warm harbor that can recharge and heal people, then an abnormal family is like an ice hole, or even like a battlefield. In combat, if you choose not to hurt others, then it is often yourself who is hurt.
- "Why We Don't Want to Stay at Home for a Long Time"
Reader Magazine Issue 10, 2024
The latter here is the so-called "toxic family". In fact, it's not as scary as it sounds, it's more often "inadequate".
Families with dysfunctional functions are often unable to have a positive energy cycle, which brings great suffering to family members.
Among them, the most direct and common harm is often related to the way of speaking.
Speaking well is a must for every family member. But those "toxic" ways of speaking often appear between the closest people.
In a family, the most suffocating way to speak is none other than the following three.
Habitual denial
Family members who habitually deny often talk about "no language" and "but language":
"This can't be", "It's hard", "You can't do it", ......
These words are like a basin of cold water that instantly extinguishes all a person's enthusiasm.
In the movie "Ten Thousand Arrows Through the Heart", such a story is told.
The heroine Li Baoli is a city girl, but she is married to Ma Xuewu from the countryside.
Because of the mismatch between the two conditions, Li Baoli looks down on her husband, and always suppresses and denies her husband in her daily life.
Once, Ma Xuewu told his son that because of his hard work, he was promoted to the director of the factory office and was given a new house.
This was a happy event, but Li Baoli was full of disdain: "Hey, I said him, it's not a big deal." ”
even mocked her husband in front of the movers: "Who does he think he is, and he is still an official...... Sesame mung bean big official ......"
Every word she said was full of meanness, which made Ma Xuewu lose face in front of outsiders.
And when she returned home, she never gave her husband a good face, either sarcastic or reprimanded, and often said that her husband was useless.
Ma Xuewu, who has been denied for a long time, later met a gentle female colleague.
With his female colleagues, he gained respect and admiration, and the two slowly developed a lover relationship.
Li Baoli, who learned the truth, chose to call the police in a fit of anger.
After the matter was revealed, Ma Xuewu was ruined, suffered a wave of layoffs, completely lost hope in life, and finally committed suicide by jumping into the river.
Li Baoli would never have imagined that her long-term denial and suppression of her husband would push him to a dead end.
Source: Visual China
Psychologist Fairbair once said, "We cannot speak of the early environment without mentioning the interactions that undermine the relationship between parents and children in childhood, including toddlers and adolescents." ”
Among them, the most damaging parent-child relationship is the negative language of parents.
Because, there is nothing more frustrating than being denied by the people closest to you.
The denial from the family is a kind of "violence" for the child.
This kind of "violence" will torment people's self-esteem and self-confidence day after day, and the child will not be able to hold his head up for the rest of his life.
Living with a habitual negation is a real destruction of the human spirit and will.
If a person grows up in an environment of accusation and denial for a long time, he will definitely keep denying himself and doubting himself in the future, and fall into inexplicable inferiority complex and fear.
This kind of self-doubt and fear can seriously overdraw one's ability to withstand failure and setback.
So, swap the denial of your family for an encouragement and affirmation.
Only constructive communication and positive attention can give the family members upward strength.
Habitual complaining
Surveys have shown that parents complaining and arguing in front of their children is one of the behaviors that bring the most harm to their children.
Because children basically rely on their parents to understand the world, and learn how to treat others and how to deal with emotional relationships from their parents' emotional performance.
If parents complain in front of their children, they will learn this bad way of communicating and even change their behavior patterns.
In an issue of "Super Parenter", a mother and son came.
The child is often unreasonable and cries loudly, and the child's mother is always full of resentment when facing her son.
During the meal, the child couldn't sit still, so the mother shouted: "It's your own business, you always want me to keep an eye on you!" ”
Before the child is going to school, he doesn't cooperate with his mother to put on shoes, and his mother starts to complain again: "You want me to serve you every time!" ”
Later, the program team learned that her mother often complained because she was physically and mentally exhausted because she was alone with the children and had to take care of housework.
Parenting teacher Lan Hai pointed out the mother's problem:
Always using negative, complaining language when communicating with your child can make your child feel very insecure and unable to judge what is right.
It also stimulates a sense of rebellion in the child. Because of not communicating well with the child, and wishful thinking to do this and that for the child, the child is also prone to a sense of guilt when he grows up.
In this way, it is actually depriving children of their right to happiness.
Finally, the child also learns the most ineffective form of communication for parents - complaining. In addition, when faced with difficulties, they instinctively attribute the cause of failure to others.
In this way, it is difficult for children to really grow up and take responsibility for themselves.
Source: Visual China
In the book "Time as a Friend", Li Xiaolai pointed out the essence of complainers:
Their so-called "complaining" is not only the best interpretation of incompetence, but also the constant repetition of incompetent behavior, which is simply a "progressive terminator" who is completely away from progress.
It's instinct to complain, but it's the ability to adjust your way of thinking and actively change the status quo.
A family that only complains will often fall into endless internal strife.
Only when parents quit ineffective complaining can children learn to deal with negative emotions correctly, and then form a positive, proactive, and open behavior pattern.
Habitually picky
In a family, if parents are always critical of their children and always speak in a disgusting tone, the children will feel that they are not good at anything and gradually lose their self-confidence.
Some parents will frequently compare their own children with other people's children, which adds to the psychological burden of their children.
In the movie "The Sun Shines", Ah Wen and Ah Hao are two children born to the same pair of parents.
But his elder brother Ah Hao is excellent and sensible, and he has been pinned on by his parents since he was a child; And his younger brother Arwen is stubborn and rebellious, always picked on and disliked by his parents.
Later, because Awen was not admitted to university, his father sent him directly to repeat school, and he never came to see him a few times throughout the year.
Even, after learning that Ah Wen was expelled from school again, his father directly said: "I don't want him to go home again, it's better never to come back!" ”
Under the long-term suppression and criticism of his parents, Arwen broke the jar, fought with others, stole things, and was imprisoned for it.
After being released from prison, my father still didn't have a good word: "I hope he will be locked up until he is old and will be locked up until he dies." ”
Later, Arwen was overwhelmed and chose to jump off the building to end his life.
And Ah Hao, who has always been regarded as proud by his parents, has actually been living in the shadow of his parents' high expectations and "other people's children".
One night, he also quietly jumped from the stairs and left this world.
In the book "Poisoned Parents", it is written: "Children do not distinguish between facts and jokes, they will take what their parents say about themselves and turn it into their own ideas. ”
The original intention of verbal dislike and "suppressive" education is to spur children's progress, but for children who are not so strong in discernment and have not yet fully matured in their minds, your casual pickiness may become a thorn in his heart.
Even in adulthood, this negative effect cannot be completely resolved.
Source: Visual China
Some time ago, when I was talking to my mother about my childhood and how I felt when something happened, I said, "I was embarrassed and ashamed. ”
Mom said, "Are you so young that you already know embarrassment and shame?" ”
She said she would never have imagined that what she said casually would have such a big impact on her children. Although I was relieved that my mother would not talk like that again, those words did hurt a little girl's self-esteem.
So, people are not plants, and children are the same.
Instead of being overly critical of your children, try to accept their imperfections and let them feel your trust, love and support, rather than blindly being critical, disgusted and suppressed.
Although wind and rain are conducive to children's growth, in the face of extreme weather, a weak sapling is often uprooted by violent storms.
That's something we don't want to see.
Write at the end
A host once said: "What kind of person you want your child to become, you have to be the first person to be." ”
If parents want their children to know how to respect others, they must first learn to respect their children.
Only a warm and harmonious family environment can raise children with sound character and emotional stability.
Not every sentence has to be said so beautifully, but not every sentence can be blurted out.
Quit habitual denial, habitual complaining and habitual nitpicking in front of children, say goodbye to the "toxic family", and spread love and kindness together.
May you and I be able to speak well. The rest of your life is long, please grow up with your children.
Author: Zhelin, taking words as a forest, planting wisdom and insight.