These three types of men, encountered is really desperate

Scan the code to reply to "Relationships"

Predict how long your relationship with your partner will be

"Respect each other as guests" is often used to describe the love of husband and wife, but in fact, if the husband and wife can always respect each other as guests, then they must not be intimate enough.

Two people who are really intimate often inevitably quarrel. Let's take a look at how to resolve disputes in the face of the "strongest quarrel opponent" in history in order to win.

01

Fire-rubbing opponents

Chen Bin, who witnessed his mother being abused by his father since childhood, once vowed that he would never do anything to a woman in this life.

On another smokey night, Chen Bin went downstairs and sat down at the edge of the flower bed and lit a cigarette, feeling a cold sweat come out of his body, because just now, he almost really hit his wife Xiaojing.

When Xiao Jing shouted like crazy: "You still want to hit me, you hit me, you hit me..." When his hand was already raised. Finally, he turned around, opened the door, and walked out.

Chen Bin and Xiao Jing had a good emotional foundation before marriage, but after marriage, with the birth of the child, Xiao Jing returned to the family to take care of the child, and the increasing family expenses made Chen Bin tired in the workplace.

Xiao Jing, who was alone and taking care of the children, was lonely and tired, and her husband was coming home later and later. Two people who are physically and mentally exhausted seem to be particularly prone to fire, and a small quarrel for three days and a big quarrel for five days have gradually become the norm.

What caused Chen Bin the most headache was that no matter how late it was, no matter how tired she was, Xiao Jing couldn't stop as soon as she started a fight. Many times she pulled Chen Bin out of bed, prevented him from sleeping, and demanded that "I must make it clear today."

And once it starts, she will turn over all the old accounts and theorize, and the more she talks, the more sad she is, until she becomes the most aggrieved person in the whole world. How many times, Chen Bin listened to those accusations tiredly, and was eager to turn around and flee immediately.

In the above story, Xiao Jing is a typical "rubbing fire type" quarrel opponent, who seems to be addicted to quarrelling, and can't stop at the beginning, not only to find you "about to fight", but also to finish the quarrel.

Only in this way can she dispose of all the emotions squeezed in her heart, and her partner becomes the receiver of her emotions, and the fire in her heart begins to whizz.

In the face of such a quarrelsome opponent, the first-order approach is to immediately run away, leave the scene of the quarrel, and force the other party to calm down and then deal with the problem. At the very least, this will not allow your anger to rise to the highest point, hurting each other in the absence of reason.

And when you're strong enough inside and can see the emotions behind the other person's behavior, you can take an advanced approach.

If you're a man, go over and hug your angry wife, let him struggle and don't let go, and tell her, "I know you're really angry and sad. ”

If you're a woman, throw yourself in his arms and say, "I know you're angry, I'll stay with you for a while." ”

02

Vicious-tongued opponents

Li Fang and her husband Zhang Lei usually have a good relationship, but every time they quarrel, Li Fang is eager to go through the divorce procedures immediately. Every time Zhang Lei quarreled, it was as if the devil was possessed, regardless of it, vicious words, sarcastic blows and sarcastic Li Fang, and even personal attacks.

Li Fang accidentally lost the key, Zhang Lei said: "You always lose everything and do things irresponsibly." Li Fang took stock of the account at the end of the month and found that there was a sum of money that did not match, Zhang Lei immediately said: "You pig brain, this account is not good." The child was sick, and Zhang Lei blamed Li Fang for not taking good care of the child: "You are not worthy to be a mother..."

Especially in the adjustment of the unit structure, Zhang Lei was ostensibly transferred to a position, but after being assigned to an unimportant department, his anger was greater, the quarrel was louder, and the words were more harsh. Li Fang felt that she was on the verge of the limit of patience.

A "vicious" quarrel opponent like Zhang Lei is often because too many emotions are squeezed inside, and even some emotions are suppressed in the heart for a long time.

For example, Zhang Lei, from childhood, lived in a family that was ignored by his parents, because his brother was very good, his parents often blamed him for being inferior to his brother, hated him for his poor grades, and his introverted personality would not please the elders.

After working, his unit and income were also much worse than his brother's. On the one hand, he was also disappointed in himself, on the other hand, he was very angry with his parents' attitude, but he put up with it again and again.

As Zhang Lei's closest person, Li Fang became a "victim". Every time zhang lei quarrels, he can take the opportunity to vent his long-standing emotions in his heart, and all his dissatisfaction and vicious attacks on Li Fang are nothing more than disappointments in his own life. He sometimes looked like he was desperate for Li Fang to die, but he was so desperate that he "wished he would die immediately." ”

In the face of such a quarrelsome opponent, tit-for-tat confrontation will never help. Running away is the most effective way, but if you still love each other and want to improve the relationship, you must first see his inner pain, understand the part of him who is disappointed and powerless, comfort him, give him encouragement and confidence, and let him feel your love.

When he is calm, he can actually understand the harm to you and will be full of regret, but he can't control the quarrel. And when he can really feel accepted by you and be able to accept himself, he can fundamentally improve the quarrel mode.

And when you really see his despair and vulnerability, you will feel sorry for him, understand that all his viciousness and attacks are not directed at you, and your anger and hurt will be alleviated a lot.

03

Cold War-type adversaries

Xiao Mo and Qian Feng finally went through the divorce procedures, and on the night of the separation, Xiao Mo cried and burned their booklet full of train tickets and sweet photos. She couldn't figure out how two people who had once loved each other so much had come to this point for a few days.

Four years of college, three years of graduation, seven years of long-distance relationship. Qian Feng gave her the wedding gift is this booklet, he pasted each train ticket, with a group photo of the meeting, and then wrote a sweet sentence, a thick book.

After marriage, after ending the separation of the two places, they also inevitably began to quarrel over various trivial matters. After each quarrel, Xiao Mo chose the cold war and ignored Qian Feng. At first, Qian Feng always went to coax her, but Xiao Mo was angry longer and longer, and Qian Feng under the dual pressure of life and work was becoming more and more impatient to coax her.

The Cold War grew longer and longer, and slowly, it seemed that neither of them wanted to deal with each other much. So they finally divorced, and they no longer had to deal with each other.

The essence of the Cold War was two people vying for control behind it, and I was just going to "conquer you." It's a real battle, a psychological game, a test of "who cares less about the relationship."

Cold enough to make the other person afraid, scared enough to take the initiative to ask for peace, you win. However, this feeling is probably addictive, and if you have the first time, there is a second time. But on the other side of the relationship, the heart will get colder and colder until the feeling of love is lost to you.

On the surface, Xiao Mo won. She gets Qian Feng's active request for peace again and again, feels the control in the relationship, and the pleasure of conquering each other, even if she comes to divorce, she is still proud. But she lost a precious relationship, a feeling that she actually valued as much as she did in her heart.

Of all the quarrels, the Cold War hurt the relationship the most. I can only tell everyone who reads this article that if you still cherish each other, you must not choose the cold war and be the one who takes the initiative to hurt the relationship.

Quarrels are the most intense forms of communication. You are willing to argue with someone because you want him to understand you and change as you wish, in fact, to be more intimate and more loving.

And the highest state of not losing a quarrel is that you achieve the true purpose of the quarrel - to be closer and more loving, not just a temporary verbal advantage.

If you are willing to understand and try the above three practical skills, I believe that quarrels will also become tools for you to love each other more. We don't need a superficially perfect "respectful as a guest", but we want a truly intimate, considerate and inclusive partnership.