Regarding happiness, the word is too big to express clearly in its entirety.
Everyone's cognition is different, their experiences are different, and their understanding and needs for happiness are also different.
For people whose food and clothing are all problems, being able to eat enough is happiness.
For people who are not in good health, health is happiness.
For people with unhappy marriages, marital harmony is happiness.
It all depends on each person's immediate needs, as well as the needs of the inner (subconscious).
What is happiness?
Harvard University did a large experiment, which showed:
What really determines our happiness index is relationships!
Good relationships keep us happy and relaxed and promote physical and mental health!
Important interpersonal relationships, such as husband and wife relationship, parent-child relationship, colleague relationship, and friend relationship are problems that we must face every day.
If you are in a relationship, there are always all kinds of uncomfortable feelings, such as: not respected, not loved, despised, attacked, no sense of existence.
Factors of life and relationships.
Maslow's five major needs, this should be very familiar to everyone, from the bottom to the top are:
Physiological needs, safety needs, social needs, respect needs, self-actualization needs.
The reason why "physiological needs" are placed at the bottom is not that he is at the lowest end, but because he is the most important.
If you want to live well in this world, then the first thing to meet is the physiological needs.
Eating well, drinking well, sleeping well, and being in a good mood are the most important things you do in your day, not one of them.
Solving the problem of food and clothing, let's talk about another factor that affects happiness.
Life is relationship.
No one can exist independently of a relationship.
Our relationship with our parents
This is the most basic relationship in our world, and it is also our first relationship.
It is the foundation of all our relationships in this life, and it determines and influences all of our relationships.
If we grew up in a secure family with a refrigerator full of food and loving parents, then we would be pretty much the same as winning the world lottery.
The unconditional love that parents give to their children is one of the most powerful forces in the entire universe and one of the safest foundations we can find.
At least part of our lives needs to be stable so that we can feel safe enough to face the uncertainty, volatility, and chaos of the world.
This is not to say, of course, that if we do not have this secure foundation in childhood, we cannot develop it later in life.
Unconditional love is scarce, but it is indestructible and the most basic human capacity.
Just a family that provides a sense of security is a huge advantage that goes beyond any other practical conditions that a person has.
The child is a mirror, and the child's face can reflect how faithful to the parents, whether on the outside or inside, how similar they are to them.
Many parents often say, "Can I still not understand my child?" ”
The truth is that almost all parents have never really felt their child's heart, seen their child's deep desires.
Parents see behavioral problems such as children's rebellion, attack, and bullying, but they do not see the inner desire and direction lost under the hidden behavior. When inner will is hidden, ignored, and not accurately responded to, the child will be lost and alienated from the parents, which makes it even more impossible for the parents to see the child.
Freud's book The Three Treatises on Sexology tells a story:
A three-year-old boy shouted in a dark room: "Auntie, talk to me!"
I'm afraid, it's too dark here. ”
The aunt responded:
"What's the use of doing that?" You can't see me again. ”
The boy replied, "It doesn't matter, someone brings light when they talk." ”
Without a response, the child seems to live in darkness and see nothing; if there is a response, there is light, and the child feels the love and warmth of his parents.
Almost all the problems in an adult can be found in his childhood life, and the source can also be found in his childhood life experience.
Therefore, the impact of childhood on a person is indeed very, very important.
The starting point of all relationships is attachment relationships —relationships with parents.
These relationships define yourself and further define the world you see.
At the heart of happiness is relationships
If relationships between people become transactional, the way we treat others becomes distorted, so there is "How can I get the part I need from them?" ”
Such an idea.
As we can imagine, this is not the secret to a happy life.
Man can never be used as a tool.
When needs are unmet and tested, we often don't have the courage to show the most open side of all our relationships.
This is an important reason why we ourselves are strong, and only when our hearts are strong can we be both strong and open to others.
A young kitten chases its tail and is interrupted by an older cat who asks what the kitten is doing.
Kitten explains:
"People tell me that happiness is in my tail, so I want to catch it."
The old cat said:
"Ah, yes, I've also been taught that happiness is in my own tail, but I've found that when I move toward growth and goals, happiness follows wherever I go."
If we are always obsessed with why we are unhappy, or obsessed with what we must do in order to "get" happy, then we will almost never be happy.
Like the old cat in the story, when we strive for transcendence with truth, frankness, creativity, and purpose, the happiness we want often comes automatically.
No one can hurt us but ourselves
There is a simple formula that clearly describes our instinctive response to pain: pain × resistance = pain.
"Pain" is caused by those "misfortunes" in life, such as accidents, illnesses, or the death of someone we love deeply, it may just be a conflict between us and those around us, such as lovers, children, parents, and co-workers.
"Resistance" refers to all the efforts made to fight back the pain, such as tightening the body or finding a way to get rid of the pain.
"Pain" refers to the physical or emotional stress that we add to our own hurt, layer after layer.
In this formula, how we get along with "pain" determines how much "pain" we will endure.
If our resistance to pain is reduced to zero, the pain we endure is minimized.
Pain × zero = zero.
The pain in life is really there, we don't need to play superfluous about them, we don't need to carry them with us everywhere.
The victim mentality is everywhere, and even if you are determined to correct it, it will be affected by the outside world.
Family, others, friends, etc., their victim mentality also affects us all the time.
When did you shirk your responsibilities and reap the benefits?
If you want to get rid of this mental habit, you have to find out the source of this mentality - when did you start to feel that this mentality benefited you?
The so-called benefit can refer to both actual benefits and some kind of emotional satisfaction or relaxation.
People's life is bittersweet and mixed, accompanied by joys and sorrows, and no one can be smooth and smooth, no waves.
People must not only face the things of chai rice, oil and salt, but also have to manage their emotions.
Often set limits for yourself, embarrass yourself, feel refreshed when you are happy, and wither when you are killed, such emotions will ruin your beautiful life.
Many people make mistakes in their emotions, mistakenly believing that venting emotions will solve the problem, but this is not the case.
Without the ability to live with emotions, there is no ability to solve problems.
We can't choose the environment in which we were born and raised, but we can choose who we spend our lives with in the future.
If you don't want to be in a relationship, just chat with friends; or be alone.
If it's hard to communicate with your parents, try to find the "important other" you trust most in your life, such as a counselor.
Open your own cognition and expand your life continuously.
The biggest obstacle to changing oneself is not in behavior, but in thinking and cognition.
The biggest obstacle to changing our thinking and cognition is that it is often difficult for us to remain extremely open.
The so-called extreme openness is to allow yourself to let go of the original inertial thinking, to re-look at this complex world with an empty cup mentality, and to rethink how to treat yourself.
About the Author: Hyun-hong's teacher
Psychological counselor, tarot divinator, planetary energy bowl healer, free code word person, trainer.
The Burrow listens to people cold and warm, and the love volume is the reason.
Red dust comes and goes without a trace, cooking words to heal people's hearts.
I met you, and then I met myself, and fate is like a knife, let me learn with you. - Practical psychology
Scope of services
Marriage emotions, love and family, parent-child relationship, family education, adolescent psychological growth, group psychological counseling, stress reduction and relaxation, gender relations, Internet addiction and boredom, middle school entrance examination, college entrance examination psychological counseling, test anxiety, depression, obsessive behavior, anxiety, insomnia treatment, fear, private psychological counseling, career planning, corporate EAP, psychological counseling, psychological counseling room construction and other services.