The preferred article of the Jane Book is recommended for article 675
The author of the jane book is | Talk freely
Let's start by asking a question:
"Whether it's family, friendship or love, will you become more and more casual in the process of getting along with people who are getting more and more familiar?"
I believe that many people's answer is yes.
In front of the most intimate people, the mask of the social people is not worn, the politeness does not need to be said, the good temper can not be pretended, how to talk and do things, how to come, anyway, everyone is so familiar.
But imagine, if your parents open your door without knocking on the door, if your friend cuts his nails in your bed and leaves the nail cover on your bed, if your lover laughs at your shortcomings at will, you will not be able to stand it, right?
It can be seen that the relationship between intimate relationships is a science, far away from estrangement, close to resentment, and the secret may be "careful".
01
Intimate relationships are the worst enemy
There are also such people around you:
In the eyes of outsiders, he is a good old man who is on call, mild-tempered, and hard-working, but in front of the people closest to him, he has changed his appearance.
My girlfriend complained to me, I really can't stand her husband.
I am very surprised, after all, in our eyes, although his husband is not exemplary, he is also an ideal husband. No smoking and drinking, no gambling habits, temper is one of the best among friends.
But the girlfriend said:
"I felt good when I first met him, but the longer I got along, the more I realized that he had given all his patience to others, and he was often impatient with me.
Yesterday I just asked him a few more words whether he wanted to wash his clothes, and he yelled at me, I really can't go on for a day like this! ”
To be honest, I don't approve of my girlfriend's inability to get into trouble because of this, but I can understand what she can't accept.
For the vast majority of people, family members are always closer to outsiders, and both parties care more about each other.
This also means that the expectations of the other party are higher than those of outsiders, and the heart is more sensitive. At this time, if you say it without thinking at all, you will often hurt the other party.
Of course, this does not mean that to be a person is to wear a mask, and you cannot relax when you go home.
It's just that maintaining intimacy is not an easy task, and its biggest enemy is the inertia that "habit" brings. We must always remind ourselves that even those who have been with us, we must treat them with a hundred and twenty spirits.
If interpersonal relationships are a plant, then ordinary thin interpersonal relationships can be compared to weeds, as long as the seeds are spread widely, there will always be a harvest.
Intimate interpersonal relationships are a delicate orchid, and the longer they are raised, the more they need to be carefully served, otherwise they may be frustrated or even die at any time.
There is no relationship in this world, it can be easily obtained, you can envy those intimate relationships, but more importantly, it is the caution hidden behind it.
02
"Make your husband the boss"
If the standard answer is 100, then 100+1 is also a 0.
In the hit drama "Our Marriage", Jiang Jing's view of "treating her husband as the boss" once caused a hot discussion.
In her eyes, she is a full-time mother, and her role is also to work as a worker, working for her husband.
Therefore, in the daily relationship with her husband, she is always cautious, afraid that the other party will not be happy. Even if you spend some money on your parents, you have to carefully design an accident for yourself to seem to take it for granted.
Such feelings are indeed cautious, but they are too careful.
They all say love a person, don't love too much, love too lowly. Because if you love someone too carefully, you will gradually lose your original self.
The reality is even more terrible, not that you have lost your original self, but that even if you give up on yourself, the other party may not like the cautious you.
In intimate relationships, there is a paradox: the more you care, the more you fear loss, the more you accommodate and give, the less you are cherished.
In the end, it slowly becomes a one-sided payment by one person. People who are accustomed to paying, over time, will not be able to bear it, ask each other for it, the other party can't give or don't want to give, the relationship will easily break down.
Jiang Fangzhou once said at the "Strange Flower Conference":
"The person who can really appreciate you will always appreciate your proud appearance, not your pretending to be humble and deliberately flattering." 」
Deeply.
A healthy relationship should make both people feel comfortable, and neither of them needs to be bent on perfection. As Li Bihua once said, "If he loves you, he doesn't have to please you, and he doesn't love you, then he doesn't have to." ”
In intimate relationships, it is necessary to be careful, but this caution is not the same as whispering flattery. The premise of intimate relationships should also be that you and I are equal, not an absolute imbalance in which you value me.
03
People are still good when they first see them
People are still good when they first met, restrained and sincere, polite and warm.
I love that at the beginning of every relationship, people are polite and measured, and even if something is uncomfortable, they don't care. And the more familiar and intimate the relationship, the more problems there are.
Is there a multi-faceted nature of people, or have people changed? In fact, it is not, it is the original sense of awe is missing.
Because of familiarity, I am not afraid of losing, and I feel that it is okay to leave my bad temper to the people closest to me and occasionally hurt the other party.
But the reality is that once the words of harm are spoken, it is like a scar on the body, even if it is light, it will always remind you that there have been injuries here. And dilution is not forgetting, but just telling you that even if something passes for a long time, time can't help all the scars.
Therefore, intimacy needs to be "careful". This "caution" is not humble, but because of closeness, it is more important to be attentive.
Unforgettable intimate relationships must also be comfortable.
And comfort does not mean that it is naturally suitable, but one or even both parties know how to exercise restraint, encounter problems can rely on their own high emotional intelligence to resolve, more know how to score inches, will not be angry, and will not be unscrupulous.
If life is only like the first sight, don't wait for the next day to sigh again is not long, okay?
Disclaimer | The content of this article only represents the personal views of the author and does not represent the position of jianshu.
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