He Suohuan, a writer of gender-emotional psychology, writes sentient stories, interesting strangers, and material knowledge.
In feelings, people often fall into inertial thinking.
When couples have conflicts, one party is accustomed to cold war, and the other party is always aggressive; over time, every time two people quarrel, they are unwilling to resolve the contradiction and let the resentment ferment.
When couples realize that the topic between two people is reduced and there is nothing to communicate and share, they are unmoved and allow their feelings to develop towards a worse and worse situation.
Behind people's inertial thinking is caused by "laziness".
If a person can face his feelings positively, just like his life and career, he will often have unexpected surprises.
But if the couple goes to the following states and is still indifferent, then give up.
-01
"You deserve it": love of course
Some people in the relationship, often fall into such a thinking misunderstanding:
"Since you love me, you should pay for me, otherwise why do you say you love me?"
"Adult love should be practical, you have to be good to me if you pursue me; if you want to be with me, you should be good to me." 」
"Whether I'm good to you depends on whether you're good to me or not, and I'll have to observe you for a while."
Instead of thinking, "How should I give for the other person," they think, "Why should I give for you?"
There is a big difference between the two.
If you truly love someone, you will subconsciously want to pay for the other party, even if it is to sacrifice your most precious things.
Because if you love someone, you will be distressed, you will give, you will think differently, and everything you do is for the other party.
But if the other person doesn't love you from the beginning and doesn't intend to go too far with you, then he will reluctantly give to you.
Only enjoy but are not willing to give, love will leave you;
Only give but do not take, love will also run counter to you.
How to solve it?
You need to understand:
No one in this world is going to be nice to you for no reason; when someone else is good to you, it must be hoping to get something from you.
The lover is good to you, not only because of love, but also because he wants to get your response.
Since you enjoy his love for you, why should he always give for you?
Try to respond to each other's love and giving, and the feelings can go in a good direction.
-02
"Loss of desire to communicate": nothing more to say
There is a logical relationship, we must understand:
It is not that the three views are not in harmony with each other, but because there is nothing to say and the desire to share is lost, it is because they feel that they are not in harmony with each other's three views.
Like what:
A couple.
The working hours of the two people are inconsistent, one leaves early and returns late, and the other leaves late and returns early.
During the working day, the two people basically have little communication; when they return home from work, one person has already rested, and the other person has to eat a late-night snack.
During the weekend break, I don't want to spend too much energy on the other party, I just want to let myself relax first.
How can such an emotional state be better?
It doesn't take long for each other to think, "We have nothing to say, he doesn't understand me, doesn't care about me, doesn't understand me."
But they did not reflect on themselves:
Why did you get to this point?
The relationship between couples began to decline, and the most obvious sign was: the loss of the desire to share.
Think about it, just in love, what is the mode of getting along between the two of you during the hot love period?
Seeing fun, interesting, delicious food, interesting gossip every day, is it the first time to share with each other?
But after the emotional problem, I would rather share it with friends and colleagues than share it with the other party.
Less and less topical, more and more lazy to chat with each other.
Over time, a vicious circle is formed: the more indifferent, the cooler the feelings.
Workaround:
Find freshness again and try to cultivate a desire to communicate with each other.
Whether you live together or not, as long as the relationship has not yet reached the end of the step, you can't get along with each other as a "stranger", right?
So, try to share life fun, share feelings, and share your feelings with each other.
Only by trying to share can you get back the feelings between you.
If you are not even willing to share, the relationship can only develop in a worse direction.
-03
"If you love you, you should control you": a crisis of trust and a sense of proportion
There are also couples who have no problem with their feelings, but the mode of getting along is depressing.
One party has a strong desire to control, has "persecution paranoia", and always worries that the partner will betray him.
In this state, the other party becomes more and more anxious and nervous, and over time it becomes depressed.
A female reader asked me about it.
She said that every day when she comes home from work, the first thing her boyfriend does is take her phone and check it; chat history, photo albums, text messages, every corner of the phone boyfriend has to look at it.
She understands her boyfriend's feelings for her, but she can't accept that her boyfriend doesn't trust her.
The strong desire to control made her feel less and less free.
If you want to go shopping with your girlfriend on the weekend, your boyfriend must follow;
The company wants to organize team building and have dinner together, and the boyfriend does not allow her to go, otherwise she will break up.
Over time, she felt more and more tired from the relationship and just wanted to escape as soon as possible.
Sometimes, the end of a relationship is not "not loving", but the wrong way to love people.
Love should not be in control, but in a sense of reasonable and mutually acceptable proportions.
Distrust, over-control, trying to manipulate the other person's life, these behaviors will keep the other person away from you.
Excessive love will only lead to emotional breakdown.
When the water is full, it overflows, and the moon is lacking, and you can't always ask everything to develop according to your logic and thinking.
Mutual respect and keeping it mysterious is what love should look like.
If love develops in a direction you can't control, and the behavior of the lover makes you unbearable, stopping the loss in time is also an option.
Today's Topic:
Have you ever been disappointed in your feelings?
(Article with picture source network)