The early morning consultation is as follows:
Let's look first at the poet's own description, a work from nearly four years ago that has been revised several times over the years. This author has consulted a five-law poem before, the grammar is indeed standard, and the expression of emotion can also be regarded as an exploration of his own writing direction, which belongs to the law and can be said to be a good friend.
However, this work from a few years ago, even if it has been revised several times, is still a bit unobtrusive when it comes out - I have always been the truth, and I will not just pick up good things to say because you have spent money consulting.
"Mid-Autumn Festival" Seven Laws , New Rhymes
Coinciding with the Mid-Autumn Festival alone on the night, the hometown of the best period wants to be a gentleman.
Don't be sad about the bright moonlight, there is pain and joy in the world.
Ask the wine sad heart cold, turn back to the teardrops plug.
Lyrical nostalgia for the past, wind and rain, through hardships and aspirations to move forward.
What is the biggest and most visible problem with this work? This question feels like a distraction from my serious attitude toward poetry. It's like a passage from before, saying that there is a painter (who I forget exactly), every time he finishes a painting, he always has to draw a dog in the corner, or a monkey (I also forgot)? Customers will naturally criticize this conspicuous problem violently, and will not propose changes to other issues.
Where is this dog or monkey? The rhyming foot of the neck joint is "plug".
Because it's a new rhyme, we just have to look at what it reads today. The word "sai" has three pronunciations: "sāi", "sè", "sài", the meaning does not need to be explained much, everyone knows. In fact, everyone knows the pronunciation, and because everyone knows it, this problem appears quite strange - but after more than four years of revision, what have you changed?
Since it is a rhythmic poem, and other rhyming characters are all flat sound characters, then this "Sai" character can only be pronounced "sāi" here, even if we don't look at The New Chinese Rhyme, the Chinese Rhyme, only look at the Chinese Pinyin, do you think that the three words of "Sai" (ai) and "Yan" (an), "Huan" (an), "Front" (an) are pronounced and rhymed?
What dialect does this have to be?
In terms of rhyme, it is undoubtedly deflated, which is the biggest problem in the format of this work, and it is the first place that needs to be modified.
As for the relationship between the flat servants (仄起不入韵), the battle (the jaw connection is not right, the neck connection is right), there is no problem, which is the reason why people feel strange, the difficult places are right, but in the rhyme of this ditch overturned the ship.
It is only necessary to replace the word "plug" with a word with the same vowel as the other rhymes, which is a new rhyme that strictly adheres to the lattice law.
But that's just wiping away the dog in the painting. Let's not be distracted, in the case of conformity, how about this work, is there room for modification and rise?
Too much.
That is to say, removing the obvious problem, this painting still does not satisfy me, at least for me.
But this is the matter above the grammar, more is the logic of the text, the rhetoric of the text, the method of expression, the creation of the mood of the problem.
First Link: "Suitable for the Mid-Autumn Festival alone on the night, the best time hometown wants to be Junyan." ”
The first two sentences explain the time, place and place of emotion, that is, the cause. It is okay to conceive itself, but there are some problems with expression. Like "appropriate encounter", generally speaking, it is the meaning of coincidence - in the mid-autumn festival, we can't say that this statement is not right, but it is not appropriate. Who happens to come across a holiday? This is a linguistic logic problem that is not precise in wording and cannot be deeply studied.
The same is true of "alone to night", relatively speaking, the word "night" is very extensive, we can say "immersed in the night", but it is difficult to face "night" as a specific image - these are precise questions that belong to the literary category, if you do not pay attention to it, they are all justified, but they will make your work much discounted.
In fact, it is very simple, we determine the ambiguous state of "night" with the specific form of "moon", which is instantly expressed clearly, not to mention that the "moon" and the previous "Mid-Autumn Festival" also echo each other.
The expression of the same pair of sentences is also very problematic. "Good period hometown want Junyan" - "Good period" and table time, there is a suspicion of repetition, "hometown" table location, but improper use, ambiguous, in the end is the poet in the "hometown", or miss the "hometown junyan"?
Some friends may say, why bother? So why do you write poetry? Refinement does not mean ambiguity, and the high generalization of the text refers to the integration of images, not to the ambiguity of expression.
The word "thinking" is also very blunt, in general, "missing" to be simplified, will be reduced to the word "thinking", because the word "thinking" as a verb, there is no emotion of thinking, and "thinking" has the meaning of thinking. To use a very inappropriate analogy, we will say "I want to make money", but we will not say "I want to make money" - "thinking" is a specific act, not attached to emotions, and it is not suitable for expressing feelings of missing people in poetry, although you are really thinking about someone.
This has nothing to do with the text, it is purely the logic of the word attribute.
How to straighten out these two sentences? Let's get rid of the pretense, don't want any words like "appropriate encounter", just say something concise and accurate vernacular - let's first explain the words clearly, speak smoothly, and finally consider rhetoric. Of course, it is still based on the law.
"It's the Mid-Autumn Festival alone again, and I think about the old face of my hometown." ——It's the Mid-Autumn Festival again, we are out to enjoy the moon, always remembering the appearance of old friends in my hometown.
Look at the jaw link again: "Don't be sad and hateful in the bright moonlight, there is pain and joy in the world." ”
There is no confrontation between the jaws, which is not a problem, but it is still the same as the first link, piling up words, I don't know what to call it. It can be understood that the sentence "beauty overflows with pain and joy in the world" means?
We say that writing poetry is not good at speaking, which means attaching ingenious modifications to smooth expressions, rather than really not speaking well and making people understand.
People can't understand, readers naturally throw away the paper, how to communicate, how to communicate, how to empathize, then this work you think is well written, no one reads, it has become waste paper.
If this is an old work that I accidentally turned over one day, I will throw it away when I see this sentence at most. But since it's a consultation, I have to look at it responsibly.
The author says that this is to express his true emotions in the Mid-Autumn Festival, so can we understand what is "pain and joy"? Painful joy? If it is painful, how can it be joyful? Isn't that contradictory.
However, when I look at the sentence again, I suddenly understood that the poet wrote that "there is sorrow and joy in the world", in fact, he wants to express the different meanings of the moonlight shining on thousands of homes, and the sorrow and joy - it should be this meaning.
Out of the sentence "Clear moonlight do not hate", I began to understand the troubles of parting under the moonlight, completely misunderstood. The poet's word "don't" here means "don't." So the meaning of this union is actually: beautiful moonlight, you don't have to worry and be sad, you are illuminating all the families in the world, in fact, there are sorrows and joys.
In order to conform to the law of peace, the poet coined the word "pain and joy" to replace "sorrow and joy", whining and mourning.
Perhaps in some youth pain literature, there will be the expression of "pain and joy", but ancient poetry is not youth pain literature, and this kind of wording is amazing.
In fact, the content described by the jaw joint is not reasonable for the "beginning and ending". Shoulian just wrote about the people who missed their hometown because of the Mid-Autumn Festival, and suddenly said that the moon you don't have to worry about, the sorrows and joys of the world are different.
Normal people's thoughts are not jumping like this, to turn, you have to wait until the neck joint moves.
But the poetry we do not adjust, only the words and sentences are straightened out - "The moon is a thousand miles away from sorrow and hatred, and the sorrow and joy of the world are purified." "I dare not say that I understand the poet's original meaning correctly, but I should not have run too far.
Neck Link: "Ask the wine to be sad and cold, and turn back to the teardrops." ”
The first problem with this sentence is that the rhyme should be changed. As for the content of the writing, but jumping back to sadness and tears, this is a typical line of jumping, there is no coherence. Of course, we can say that this is the neck joint "turn", but in the jaw joint has already turned ah? A poem has only four pairs in total, turning around, what kind of mood do you hope to bring to the reader? The reader's mood sinks as you follow your text in the first link, and the jaw link just relaxes a little, and the result falls into sadness in the neck link. Too many twists, and while it's not necessarily a play," the reader loses patience and can't empathize, because the reader can't be sure what you're trying to say.
In disbelief, I look at the tail link again: "Lyrical nostalgia for the past, wind and rain, through hardships and aspirations to move forward." This again expresses the recollection of the past, the determination to move forward - note, I am not saying that a poem cannot change emotions, but that changes in emotions should be progressive and logical. You can think of a play as a play, but you can't do it this way when writing poetry or writing articles.
However, the content grammar, artistic emotion, and writing direction, I will only give suggestions here, and will not make changes. Because once modified, it is not his poem, which is equivalent to a rewrite.
We put the rhymes together and straightened out the sentences.
"Mid-Autumn Festival" New Rhyme Seven Laws
It's the Mid-Autumn Festival alone against the moon, and the old face of the hometown is long thought.
The moon and the moon will dispel sorrow and hatred, and purify the sorrow and joy of the world.
Ask the wine sad heart cold, bowed his head and burst into tears.
Lamenting the past is full of wind and rain, and going through hardships and aspirations to move forward.
In fact, this work still has a lot of room for revision and refinement, so it is not a waste of time here, it is better to leave it to the author or readers to modify. I'm just providing a direction of revision based on format and smooth expression, and I'm not working on word beautification and rhetoric.
Why? Because I don't think it's necessary. From the author's emotional point of view, perhaps this is a reflection of his mood at that time, a fragment of time worth cherishing, but to gain the recognition and appreciation of others, it is necessary to sublimate the public feelings from the personal mood - people's sorrows and joys are different, but good poetry will make people common.
The purpose of our study of poetry is not only to record our own emotions, but also to impress others, which is a poet's work with requirements.
A person's level will gradually rise, when we reach a certain level, and then look back at the previous works, in fact, many of them can not be seen.
It doesn't matter, who didn't grow that way?
Therefore, we must have a correct attitude toward our previous works. There are whimsical, trimmed and adjusted, as old photos to treasure, general, there is no need to always be entangled.
Just like this seven laws, to be honest, it is beautiful to change, because the grammar jumps out, the feelings are insufficient, as a reader, it will always feel empty - the poet's little sentiments, can even be said to fill in less than one of the seven laws.
If you don't change it to a five-word poem, wouldn't it be much better?
《Mid-Autumn Festival》
Mid-Autumn Festival alone to the moon, long thinking about the old face.
The clear light shines for thousands of miles, and the world is full of sorrow and joy.
Ask the wine cold heart, bow your head and cry hard to dry.
Sighing that there have been storms and rains, hardships and aspirations to move forward.
Note that because it is only a condensed word example, there is no law of flattening. Isn't that still a meaning? What does this mean? Explain that the original poem is too much nonsense.
The words are not very good, but the heart is very sincere.
I hope this friend does not see strange, of course, you want to see strange I can not do anything.
Therefore, for this kind of work, there is no problem in practicing in the format, and in terms of content, we do not need to use too much thought to modify it.
Some friends' works, repeatedly, in fact, still can't get their hands on it, why bother? It is better to rewrite it.
Although self-cherishing is the norm, we must be clear that the words of the past, reflecting the emotions of the past, always represent only the level of your past.
To be a person, you have to look forward, and the same is true of writing poetry. Why not write better works after learning to improve?
Most people who are addicted to the past are people who cannot be updated and upgraded.
I hope that everyone can let go of the words and emotions of the past and face a better and newer future.
The above is a complex.
P.S.: After consultation and communication, I learned that the obvious error in the grammar was "back to the teardrop plug", because the author typed the wrong word when consulting, and the original poem was "back to the tears and tears". This is no problem in the flat format, but I have written a large article, and I am too lazy to change it.
Because apart from this mistake, my other attitudes remain the same.
Therefore, friends send works to consult, it is best to check it, and attach the creation of handwriting, the so-called "lost a millimeter, a thousand miles away", that's it.
Some friends will say that such an obvious mistake must be a typo - you may not think that I have seen more "poems" that do not rhyme in the consultation, which may be more than "Three Hundred Poems of Tang Dynasty".