Source: Today's Headlines Zhou Fan Q&A Selection
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People often ask, teacher, I always can't help but be angry with the person I love the most, in fact, I don't want to, but when the emotion comes up, I can't control myself yelling at ta, what to do?
In fact, every time you erupt, there are these things hidden behind you...
01
What is the reason behind the harsh words?
First of all, I don't know if the person I love the most refers to my partner, my friend, or my parent... Of course these people are included.
In terms of reality, here I see a distinction, and that is the distinction between treating different people.
For example, it may be impossible for you to say harsh things to your lover to your colleagues, let alone dare to say them to your boss.
Because you are afraid of breaking the relationship, this destruction will lead to bad consequences, rejection, loss of some kind of opportunity, etc.
So you suppress the harshest words that stem from strong negative emotions.
But repressed emotions don't go away.
It needs to find an exit, so you will unconsciously find a safe person to release, and this first and foremost is the person you love the most, or the person who loves you the most.
It may be your partner, parents, and especially children (because in a parent-child relationship, as a parent is in an authoritative position).
I prefer to understand this question as how not to throw emotions at the people I love the most and talk harshly.
The girl in this video touched 1.3 billion people,
Don't say harsh things about the people you love
Can we see some of our own shadows?
02
Improve your awareness
See your own thoughts
Let's take a look at why we always say harsh things:
When we are angry and harsh about our husband and children, part of the reason comes from the original family, it is possible that one of your parents is short-tempered.
If you are aware enough you will understand that you have passed on the personality of your parents from generation to generation, and then you have the opportunity to transform yourself.
You'll be able to see your habitual thoughts and emotional reaction patterns clearly, and when you speak harshly to your loved one, you'll be aware and stop yourself.
We speak harshly in front of safe people without scruples, and when we calm down, we will feel guilty for the other party's injuries and excessive words and deeds.
Over time, this mode of communication can cause relationships to become estranged, rigid, and even broken.
03
There is nothing more than true expression
More effective
Teacher He Jiong has a passage that is particularly good.
The most important thing about intimacy is not appearance, not bread, not even loyalty or not, but sharing.
If you don't share, two people under the same roof will be like strangers, and this powerful sense of emptiness is the most hurtful feeling.
Language communication is the most important way to share, and there is only one reason why people who love each other can't speak well is that they don't understand that most languages are meant to share, not to discuss and teach.
In interpersonal relationships, we often choose to sacrifice ourselves and accommodate each other in order to protect the relationship, fear of destroying the relationship, and in order to maintain a good image.
There are too many of them to worry and be afraid, to worry about being afraid that others will not like it, but in fact, this just hurts the relationship, and at the same time, you also do not accept your own self that you dare not express.
We have too many entanglements within us to make relationships complex and changeable, and my advice is to learn to express ourselves authentically in relationships:
Express your feelings, make your own requests, let go of expectations, and take responsibility for yourself.
You can say no when it's time to say no.
If you don't have the courage to do it for a while, then truly admit that your sense of power is not enough, and don't attack yourself.
Find a reasonable way to release this emotion, if you still say harsh words to your lover, then you have to do emotional repair afterwards, apologize for the apology, and truly reveal your vulnerability to get forgiveness:
Because I was criticized by the boss today, I was angry, so I was angry with you, in fact, you didn't do anything wrong, it was my own problem, sorry...
At the same time, seize the time to let yourself learn and grow, because the more you say harsh words to your lover, the more powerless you feel. Start with small things to clarify your boundaries, express yourself authentically, and take your attention back to yourself.
End
Zhou Fan