Recently revisited a Singapore movie "Children Are Not Stupid 2", which mainly tells the story of three children, Jerry, Xueqian and Chengcai, in the face of adolescent rebellion, parental discipline, there are many confusions and troubles, but also took a lot of detours.
In the film, because parents are busy with work, neglect of children, and lack of effective communication with children, whenever faced with children who do wrong things, physically and mentally exhausted parents only have to fight and scold, and an insurmountable gap between children and parents is gradually derived.
Movie "Kids Aren't Stupid 2"
There is a child's heartfelt monologue in the play, so that we can clearly understand the child's heart:
"Adults often think that talking to us a lot is communication, in fact, they are all talking by themselves, they are cool.
And we all often pretend to be listening, and then the ears go in and out...
Whether we listen or not, they don't care.
Parents always think that they have said so much, we should understand, but they do not know that we need time to digest, need a little bit to come. ”
This line tells the essence of parent-child communication - educating children is not simply saying, you have to make children willing to listen. Fortunately, the film finally ended with warmth, mom and dad made changes, and the child regained happiness.
In real life, how many parent-child relationships are ruined in communication, and parent-child contradictions slowly accumulate, eventually leading to the inability to communicate and communicate.
Adele Farber, an internationally renowned parent-child communication expert, mentioned in the book "How to Say Children Will Listen, How to Listen to Children To Speak":
"If parents really listen to their child's narrative, the child can easily express the dilemma they face. Sometimes, children need us to empathize with them. ”
If parents can change the way of communication with their children and master a communication skill between parents and children, they believe that many problems between parents and children can be easily resolved.
<h1 class = "pgc-h-arrow-right" >1. The correct way for parents to communicate is the best education for their children</h1>
Liu Yong, an internationally renowned Chinese best-selling author and painter, attaches great importance to communication with children and knows more about the way to communicate with children.
Liu Yong and his children
He wrote in his book "Liu Yong on Parent-Child Relationship and Communication":
"In a harmonious parent-child relationship, the words of the parents, the children are willing to listen; the words of the children, the parents know how to listen."
He once said a little interesting thing about his son Liu Xuan:
Liu Xuan came to live in the United States when he was 8 years old, but his Mandarin became better and better, and later won the title of "I Am an Orator", and someone asked him how he spoke Mandarin so well.
This is due to the "right to speak" that I give my children from an early age. Every time he did something wrong, I would teach him, and after the training, I would say, "OK!" Dad's done, now it's your turn. "Then it's up to him to defend himself, and he's going to try his best to win me."
Therefore, he not only spoke Mandarin very smoothly since he was a child, but also practiced a good eloquence in debate.
Communication between parents and children is especially important when parents think their children have made mistakes. Parents can educate their children from their own standpoint, but at the same time give their children the opportunity to defend themselves. ”
The best homeschooling in the world is in the dialogue between parents and children. Children's success is inseparable from successful family education, and the key to successful family education is the way parents communicate with their children.
Parents do it right, and the child obeys. And the child's mistakes are often caused by the improper way the parents speak.
<h1 class="pgc-h-arrow-right" >2. These three ways of speaking by parents will turn off the child's inner light</h1>
Zhao Yulin, a family education expert, pointed out in his book "Making Love Wiser" that most parents feel that "children do not listen to their own words", and some children are even extremely bored with their parents' words.
Why is this happening? How to deal with this situation?
In response to these situations, the author provides the following solutions in the book, hoping that parents will reflect on whether there is a problem with their way of speaking.
The first: tough attitude, arbitrary
Many parents and children have only one tone of voice, and there is only one kind of answer they accept, that is, no matter what they say, they must answer "yes", even if they say things that the children do not understand, they also require the children to listen and must do what they say.
This mode of communication, when the child is young, is usually relatively smooth, but the age of the child is gradually increasing, they are affected by the concept of equality advocated by modern society, will inevitably have doubts about the parents' previous education methods, and then difficult to accept and confused, over time, the parents' arbitrary behavior will make the child feel more and more that the love of the parents is selfish.
For example, in real life, we often see such a scene:
Children complain that their parents have hurt themselves, feel wronged and sad, and some children sob alone in the house;
Some children simply slam the door and run away, using methods such as skipping school and running away from home to escape harm, rather than facing their parents;
In the end, there is often such a vicious circle: the more the parents control, the more rebellious the children, and eventually the parents are helpless, and the children are miserable.
Because there are too many self-contained parents, there are so many "problematic" children.
Parents who can't communicate can also lead to the existence of another kind of child - seemingly well-behaved and obedient, but without opinion and principle.
The second type: empty content, repetitive nagging
Many parents usually talk about things in the first way, a very clear look, but when they really encounter the specific problems of family education, the performance is still simple and rude, and the nagging is repeated.
Why is that?
Formally, it is that parents do not speak.
There are two reasons for not being able to speak, on the one hand, parents do not recognize the importance of speaking; on the other hand, parents do not have the basis for speaking, that is, the content and method of speaking are insufficient.
Such communication is bound to be ineffective, and the child is of course disobedient.
For example, in life, if a young man meets a favorite girl and wants to inquire about the situation of others, such as age, it seems impolite to ask directly, and often touches a nose of ash! So what to do?
A man who knows how to speak may ask, "When did you graduate from college?" "It's a better way to do it, and the probability of getting the answer you want is high."
Parents talk to their children, get along, if you can do it like getting along with your lover, use your brain, say something, consider the heat, use words, then it is not far from success, children will be willing to respond, cooperate, they can feel the respect of parents, which is also the charm of successful parents.
The third: lack of skill, disregard for principles
Here, the author emphasizes the idea that the premise of a child's success is the growth and maturity of the parents.
Imagine that parents themselves have not grown up and are not mature enough, how can they educate excellent children?
The author mentioned an example in the article that impressed me:
"Teacher Zhao, Teacher Zhao, do you know what it's like for my parents to talk to me?" The child was desperate to describe it to me.
"What does it look like?" I asked curiously.
"They, as long as they see that I don't study, they stare, and when they talk, they don't stare, they can't talk." The child stared at the imitation, and the look was exquisite.
The children around me laughed, and I sighed in my heart, such parents are really worrying. If parents keep communicating with their children in this way, sooner or later the child will be "disobedient"!
When parents communicate with friends and colleagues, they can distinguish between near and far relatives, the tone is very appropriate, they can be properly thoughtful, left and right, but why can't they be so patient and meticulous in treating their children?
The reason is that parents treat their children as their own appendages in the depths of their hearts, even if they know that children have their own thoughts and emotions, but self-righteous parents do not take it seriously at all, thinking that all the arrangements they make are for the good of their children, and only need their children to obey.
Family Education Book "Making Love Wiser"
<h1 class="pgc-h-arrow-right" >3. Parents learn to say this, and children will listen! </h1>
Learning to speak is the first step to being a good parent and the first lesson for parents.
Usually, there are three main reasons for children's disobedience, and parents have to adopt different educational methods for different reasons to be effective:
First, the child has the ability and the attitude is insufficient, that is, "the ability has no attitude"
For children who are "capable of having no attitude", parents themselves should be firm, have standards in doing things, and cannot give children the opportunity to start their wrong behavior.
Many parents will encounter such a situation, the more they do not want their children to do things, the more children want to do, today's words children listen, another day but make the same mistakes ...
For example, we can sometimes see such a scene in the mall: the child stands in front of a favorite toy and refuses to go, and even cries and makes a lot of noise, the parents can't say anything, criticism, accusation and even intimidation and scolding do not work.
Many parents are not aware of the seriousness of this problem, so there is a "child wants - parents do not give - children cry - parents compromise", although this process is effective at the time, but children will repeat it later.
Because children will feel that as long as they cry, they can achieve their goals, and they can "threaten" their parents and make them compromise. The promise after success, the child will never remember.
Therefore, parents must pay attention to not compromise with their children even if they cry. Parents can understand their children's emotions, but there must be a bottom line. Let your child know that some things cannot be solved by crying.
In fact, as long as the situation of "ability without attitude" is really handled once, parents will no longer be bothered in the future.
Second, the child's attitude is correct and his ability is insufficient, that is, "there is no ability to have an attitude"
If the child is "incapable of having an attitude", then it is useless for parents to do the child's ideological work even if they are painstaking.
In the process of communication with children, many parents think that they have spoken clearly, and the children must understand it, but in fact, the child does not understand the parents' words at all. Therefore, parents should make their words clear so that their children will not be confused.
For example, parents always ask their children to study seriously and eat seriously, but what is "serious"? Kids know almost nothing. And parents do not give their children clear and specific guidance.
Why?
Because parents themselves probably don't know what "seriousness" is, they just shout the slogan of "seriousness" and use "seriousness" to explain "seriousness".
In fact, the way to make children "serious" is very simple: the guidance is clear and the requirements are specific.
We explain these eight words with the act of washing hands. That is, parents patiently explain and demonstrate to their children, such as how to wet their hands, how to wipe them with soap, how to rub their hands, and how to wash off the foam on their hands with a faucet.
Many "small things" that are clear and clear in the eyes of adults are "big things" that children have never experienced in life. Growing up, children need guidance from their parents to help them establish rules and standards.
Third, the child does not have the ability, the attitude is not correct, that is, "no ability and no attitude"
In the face of "no ability and no attitude", the vast majority of parents of such children will have a headache and feel that they have no way to start.
For such a child, parents should also have both methods and principles, grasp with both hands, and both hands must be hard. Teach the child the method first, teach the method, and then put forward the principles and requirements. If children do not meet the requirements, they must carry out criticism education.
Parents must pay attention to the more complicated the situation, the more they must pay attention to the ways and methods, pay attention to their own attitudes, and do not cause the rebound of children's self-awareness. The author mentions such a case in the book:
A junior high school boy, very fond of playing video games, very affecting homework, and even skipping class, parents are very anxious. The author's solution is to consider the situation:
The first offender should be reasoned. Through the investigation, it was found that the child's academic performance was actually OK, but his self-control was relatively poor, and he wanted to run out and play games as soon as he was possible. The author suggests that parents should first have enough patience to educate their children after this situation, tell them the consequences of doing so, and also express their trust and expectations for their children. It is important for children to understand that such an approach is inappropriate.
Repeat offenders should be agreed upon. The child later resisted the temptation and sneaked out to play games again. At this time, the parents should sternly tell the child that it is wrong to do so, agree with him on a plan, and ask him to guarantee what punishment he will receive if he repeats it. Of course, the punishment should be acceptable to both parties.
Repeat offenses are punishable. Kids may keep making the same mistakes – he skips class again to play games! At this time, parents can take two methods. One is to remain silent, but to let the child understand that the parents reserve the right to take punishment, but do not intend to implement it at the moment; the second is to let the child keep his promise, accept the punishment, and let him reassure him what to do if he commits another crime. Parents must pay attention, at this time, they must not be angry and scold their children!
This example is a typical example of "teaching according to aptitude, guiding according to the situation". On the basis of understanding their children, parents use scientific methods to distinguish education for their children and make up for their weaknesses, so that they can achieve more with less and develop in a good direction.
Communication is both a science and an art. The use of simple and rough or educational behaviors that violate the laws of children's growth, although it seems to have an effect for a while, cannot be sustained for a long time.
Intel founder Andrew Grove said:
"The fact that we communicate well is not determined by how well we tell things, but by how well we are understood."
This sentence tells us that communication should also be "knowing oneself and knowing the other", and we must understand the object of communication. If we don't understand what the child really thinks when we communicate with our children, how can we find a common language to communicate?
Parents are willing to listen, children are willing to speak; parents learn to speak, children are willing to listen, this is the key to ensuring successful communication between parents and children, but also the best education for children.