"Adults often think that talking to us a lot is communication." — Kids Aren't Stupid 2 – Jerry
"Kids Are Not Stupid 2" is an educational film with a Douban score of 8.3, produced in Singapore, and released in Singapore on January 26, 2006.
The film, starring veteran Singaporean actors such as Leung Chi Keung, Xiang Yun and Wong Yi Leung, starred alongside the young actors at the time, and was nominated for the 26th Hong Kong Film Awards – Best Asian Film Awards in 2007.
The film mainly tells: 15-year-old Tom and 8-year-old Jerry are a pair of brothers, born in a middle-class family, living conditions are superior, the father is an employee of a mobile phone development company, the mother is the editor of a famous magazine, the parents are busy working to make money, and there is no basic communication with the children. They think that it is enough to satisfy them materially, but they do not know that what children need more is the love and appreciation of their parents. In the eyes of their parents, the brothers are mischievous and mischievous, and they think that they have broken their hearts, and as long as the children are obedient, even the moon in the sky will buy them.
Parents may see their own shadow from this movie, and the educational problems that appear in this movie are worthy of the deep consideration of all parents.
Let's look at the movie "Kids Are Not Stupid 2", which brings us 3 reflections on contemporary parent education.
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The movie opens with 3 question marks – when was the last time you complimented someone? When was the last time you were praised? It's been a long time, right?
What is affirmation? Have an approved or approved attitude towards things.
What is appreciation? It is to agree, to appreciate, to admire.
There are many such questions on Zhihu, why do parents not like to praise their children? Why did my parents never praise me? Why do traditional Chinese parents seem to dislike praising their children?
One of the netizens commented: "In addition to the "neighbor's child" who used it to hit you, have you ever seen your parents say who is good? ”
Most children have suffered from the poison of "other people's children", which is not strange at all, some parents will only see the good of other people's children, and when it is their turn, they will only be left bad.
Chinese parents, most of whom adhere to the concept of strictness in order to teach their children well, do not like to praise and affirm their children, as if they feel that as long as they praise their children, they will be proud and arrogant.
In the film, Jerry scores first in every subject. But his parents rarely praised him, not only did not praise, but often scolded him, why not take a higher score?
Lu Qin, chief education expert of the China Children's Press and Publication Corporation, said: Children's hearts are like dry seedlings, eager to be affirmed, eager to be positively evaluated. It is precisely today's children who lack the most affirmation.
Jerry's older brother, Tom, loves to write blogs and won the blogging competition, and when the award was presented, the mother sitting at the bottom was dismissive and did not appreciate his talent.
When Jiang Wen participated in the "Thirteen Invitations" program, he was asked: "What is the biggest failure you have encountered for so many years?" ”
He said: "I have always had a bad relationship with my mother, and I don't know how to make her happy to see what I do. ”
Jiang Wen's famous actor, director, film emperor, such an excellent person, will be angry because he did not get the affirmation of his mother.
In the book "Parents Are Peaceful, Children Are Happy", it is said that children need us to affirm them often.
Effective appreciation and affirmation are the source of children's self-confidence. Achieving Children: Giving Children a High Emotional Intelligence mentions two ways to praise children:
1. Appreciation must be targeted and avoid vagueness.
Appreciation should be directed at specific attitudes and behaviours.
The meaning is encouragement, so appreciation is not placed on the child, but on the child's specific attitude and behavior.
For example, Jerry gets the first grade in each subject, you should not say that you are very smart, you are great, but appreciate the child's spirit of hard work and the behavior of doing homework diligently.
"Raising Children into Wealth" says: Children are looking at themselves through the eyes of their parents, and if parents can look at their children with encouragement and appreciation, then the potential of children will be best developed.
2. All the efforts he has made, whether or not they have borne fruit, should be appreciated.
As mentioned earlier, Tom likes to write blogs, but his mother doesn't like it, and scolds him for saying that he only writes some messy things, and the composition is not very good.
The younger brother defended his brother and said that he was already very strong, and the older brother scored 65 points for the essay.
But the mother still continued to scold, 65 points is very powerful? Your mother and I used to have at least 85 or more on Chinese tests, and your mother is the editor of Chinese magazine, which is a shame for me.
How would you feel if you were a child?
Is not a deep sense of frustration.
In reality, there will be more or less children who are partial to the subject, such as liking science and not liking the liberal arts, liking the liberal arts and not liking science, if the child has made efforts in subjects that he does not like, whether or not he has reached your goal, you should give the child appreciation, affirm his efforts, appreciate his progress, the child will also gain self-confidence from it, and hope that the next time can do better.
Japanese writer Kento Okuten once said that even if a child does not achieve the best perfection, he can praise him for "trying hard" and "making progress"
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What is effective communication?
Writer Lu Qin said: "Effective communication is to listen + pour out, not only to pour out, listening is more important." ”
Why are so many children reluctant to communicate with their parents?
Most parents in life, like the parents of tom and Jerry's brothers in the film, think that talking a lot of things to their children is communication, but in fact, they are talking to themselves and being cool.
If the child wants to say something, the parents will say: You see you still resist the mouth, you talk a lot, oh, your mother teaches you for your own good, you are not big or small, we are well-intentioned and do not want you to take the wrong road. I said so much just now, do you understand? Why don't you talk? Are you dumb?
The child will be scolded for everything he says, and slowly become dumb.
Who would want to accept such violent communication?
There is a heartfelt question on zhihu: Why do some parents always like to belittle their children and hurt their children with vicious words?
The answer given by a netizen is: I should be deeply affected by it, according to the conclusion of my communication with my mother, her words such as cold water, sarcasm, depreciation, comparison, etc., the purpose is to be afraid of my pride, always calm, and know how to be motivated. But the result is inferiority, extreme inferiority, extreme lack of self-confidence.
Some parents in life, the words are very vicious, the parents' anger is out, they talk about themselves cool. Violent communication will only hurt the child's weak heart, bringing shadows and long-term impact on the child's growth.
There are also some parents and children's communication, but do not reflect, do not care.
In the film, on Father's Day, Jerry's gift to his father is a self-portrait of his father, and the person in the painting is dark, and Dad says how can this be me.
Jerry had Dad stand in the doorway of the room and turned off the lights, and indeed only the blackened figure remained.
Parents don't reflect on why, but blame Jerry, who can't read books, and does these inexplicable things so badly.
Dad wasn't very happy with the gift and asked Jerry what else would happen.
Jerry was excited to tell stories, and his parents asked Jerry to tell them, but they didn't have the heart to listen, but did something else.
The child finally shut up, and the audience's teeth itched, and they all felt sad for the child.
Communication requires skills, and there are several ways to communicate effectively in the book "Contract Education":
1. Show genuine interest in what your child is saying
2. Talk to your child and be actively encouraged
3. Advice for children should be clear, specific and useful
4. Turn yourself into a child, enter his world, and refer to his perspective
5. Pay attention to your child's reactions and attitudes
6. Experience/listen to your child's feelings
Apparently, Jerry's dad was not really interested in what he was talking about, and his mom blamed him for the blow, and neither the parents sensed the child's sad emotions, let alone felt the child's feelings.
Communication is not just to say so simple, but also not to talk about themselves, to be cool, but also to know how to say, the most important thing is to experience and listen to the child's feelings.
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Most parents in China are more traditional, rarely carry out sex education for their children, and in the case of low penetration of sex education, the number of sexual blindness is relatively high.
What is sexual blindness?
Sexual blindness usually refers to people who lack scientific knowledge of sex, which is manifested as an unhealthy or non-conforming concept of sexual science in the cognition and behavior of sex.
In the film, Jerry made a big oolong because of the lack of sex education in the family, in the game session of the activity class, he and a female classmate were paired, and they were mischievous by the classmates, bumping into the face of the female classmates and accidentally touching the girls' mouths. During recess, the naughty classmates moved them together again, and when the two woke up, they found that there was a person sleeping next to them, and they immediately bounced up in fright. Classmates scare Jerry into saying that if they kiss and sleep with girls, girls will have a big belly.
Puzzled, Jerry went home and asked Grandma, how did Baby come about? Grandma answered the trash can to pick it up. He left a message to his parents again, asking me how I got here? Mom replied: When you grow up, you will know. He overheard that pregnant women eating pineapple (pineapple) children will fall. So I bought several bags of pineapples for the female classmates to eat, and finally ate until the stomach hurt and went to the hospital, only to find that the female classmates did not have a big belly.
His parents scolded him, saying how did you become so bad.
"If you had told me what a big belly was, I wouldn't have let her eat pineapples."
In reality, we have also seen a lot of ironic news, even highly educated Doctors, think that after marriage, couples can get pregnant as long as they kiss, hug and sleep together.
A survey by the Chinese Navy Family Planning Education Center showed that 80% of young boys and girls were sexually blind.
In the movie, the consequences of the child's lack of sex education are relatively mild and salvageable; but in reality, they are not so lucky, how many tragedies are because of the lack of sex education, and the consequences are enough to destroy a person's life.
Taiwanese female writer Lin Yihan, author of "Fang Siqi's First Love Paradise", the teenager was seduced by a teacher, she once tried to ask her mother for help.
But her mother said, "Sex education is for those who need sex." ”
"Our tutors have everything, just no sex education."
After she failed to ask for help, she wrote her tragic experience into books, suffered and suffered all her life, and finally became overwhelmed, and hanged herself in her bedroom in 2017.
Friends around me will discuss that they don't want to have a girl, the world is too dangerous, afraid that she will be violated.
To be clear, sexual assault is a possibility of both men and women, regardless of whether a boy or a girl is born.
Chinese parents need to pay attention to sex education, and the devil will not hurt him because your child is small.
In the UK, children from the age of 5 must start sex education.
In the Netherlands, children from the age of 6 must start sex education.
In Sweden, children from the age of 7 must start sex education.
In Japan, cognitive gender roles have been taught since kindergarten.
To give children a clear concept, there is a difference between men and women, and private parts cannot be touched.
We can't stay with our children 24 hours a day and let them learn how to protect themselves; sex education is not a shameful thing, but a weapon for children to protect themselves.
I hope that all children in the world can be treated with tenderness.
Parents are all first-time parents, and in this first time, we can also learn how to be a really good parent to our children.