Where have the high-scoring students of the old college entrance examination gone?
Some people enter the society with excellent achievements and abilities and become the best in all walks of life;
Someone takes off the aura of the past and becomes a member of the ordinary people;
Some people have become old people and homeless people...
The same is a high-scoring bully, why is the fate completely different?
College entrance examination bully wandering the streets or nibbling at home
"Over-parenting" stemming from parents
In 2006, Xiaoye, a science student in Jianning County, Fujian Province, was admitted to Zhejiang University, but in the second semester of his sophomore year, he seemed to evaporate in the world. Ten years later, when his parents saw him again, he was wandering the streets with his beard pulled and ragged clothes.
He has achieved excellent results since he was a child, and after becoming a county college entrance examination winner, he has carried the hope of the whole village.
Image from a screenshot of the news video
How did a high-achieving student become a tramp? Sophomore hangs up.
Hanging Section forced high-quality students to become tramps, why? It turned out that he had been asked to take the first exam, and if he couldn't take the first exam, he would be scolded by his parents, and the results of the hanging section should not be acceptable to his parents!
If Xiaoye's experience is regrettable, the 37-year-old doctor went home to nibble on the old, which is even more thought-provoking.
Li Liangming was born in a remote rural area. From an early age, the academic performance is good, there is no need for teachers and parents to worry, the only thing that parents need to consider is tuition.
His parents and sister work odd jobs everywhere to earn him access to education. In terms of study, he did not disappoint his family, was escorted to a key high school, and was admitted to a 985 university in college.
At that time, although the family felt bitter, they thought that after Li Liangming finished his studies, his family conditions would improve.
After 9 years of Li Mingliang's PhD, he returned with 50 large bags of books, and when he came home, his parents were very happy and the villagers came to congratulate him.
But what no one expected was that Li Liangming stayed at home every day to read, did not work or go out, and the cost of eating and drinking depended on his parents.
When my parents saw the dr. who had worked so hard to give up, they actually nibbled at home, angry and helpless.
The family gave him almost everything they could, his parents were suffering from various diseases and had no money to see him, and his sister had to work part-time to provide him with schooling when she got married.
The family is so difficult, Li Liangming still has no intention of working, his parents advised him to go out to work, say a little more, Li Liangming is very grumpy, and even do something to his parents.
Li Liangliang's parents can't understand why a child who has been very good since childhood has become like this when he grows up.
What factors have led to the existing results of the "wandering" high-quality student Xiaoye and the "old doctor" Li Liangliang? It stems from the "over-parenting" of the parents.
In 2009, the American "Time Magazine" reported that parents were overly involved in their children's lives due to strict requirements for their children's current and future personal achievements.
After understanding the psychological phenomenon of "over-parenting", we may understand what should be done and what should not be done to raise children.
What is "over-parenting"?
Is "over-parenting" destroying children?
In 1965, american clinical psychologist Diana Baumlind proposed two indicators to measure family parenting style:
1. "Response", i.e. the degree to which parents respond to their children's needs.
2. "Requirements", that is, the parents' demands on the child's own maturity, independence and responsibility.
Most studies show that the ideal parenting model is that parents are more "responsive" and "demanding" in both terms. And "over-parenting" goes to an extreme, showing abnormal "responses" and "demands".
Sociology professor LeMoyne describes it as "not wrong with parenting, but to the wrong degree".
According to australian scholar Judith Locke, the different forms of "over-parenting" were analyzed.
On the "response" dimension, "over-parenting" parents are overly responsive.
Highly responsive parents regard their children as the center of their lives and are desperate to meet their children's needs.
Li Liangliang's parents are typical cases, desperate for his studies, even if the family is poor, they still work together to respond to his learning needs.
Another type of highly responsive parent thinks their child should always be right and good, and not accept the mistakes and shortcomings reported and judged by others.
In the "requirements" dimension, there are three different ways of "over-parenting".
Demanding parents, commonly known as "tiger mother, wolf father".
There are unrealistic demands on children, often focusing on academic and public performance, requiring them to take on responsibilities they should not take on prematurely.
Xiaoye, who was wandering because of hanging on, was crushed by high requirements, and under heavy pressure, he escaped.
Parents with low requirements, commonly known as "lawn mower parents".
For the success of their children, they are like lawn mowers mowing weeds, clearing all obstacles in the road. For example, in order to make the school value the child, parents will give valuable gifts to the teacher. This kind of parenting is always raising children in a way that raises young children, hindering the child's gradual maturity as an individual.
Mixed parents are required.
Their mentality and behavior are contradictory: they have high requirements for their children in academic performance and personal achievement, but they do not encourage children to use their abilities to achieve such achievements. For example, they will help make many choices and decisions, help the child solve the problem, and even instigate the child to use an abnormal path when the child encounters failure.
The "over-parenting" behavior of the above types of parents can easily have a negative impact on the child's psychology:
Perfectionism, lack of resilience. They always want to be the best in the crowd, but their ability to cope with stress and failure is relatively low, and the disadvantages and setbacks in the environment can cause them a huge blow.
anxiety. Separation anxiety is manifested in childhood, separation from relatives shows uneasiness, sadness, and pain; when they grow up, they are saddled with "the pressure of achievement", and studies have shown that they have a high probability of being diagnosed with clinical anxiety.
Feel "taken for granted" about many things. The efforts of parents and the accommodation of friends are what they should be in their eyes, and they have no gratitude.
Low life skills, lack of self-care ability. Living alone is sloppy and casual, like a giant baby that doesn't grow up.
No liability will be assumed. When faced alone in situations that require responsibility, you feel overwhelmed.
"Over-parenting" is destroying children's psychological defense lines step by step, and in the process of educating children, too high or too low "responses" and "requirements" will cause non-negligible damage to children's hearts.
Accept your child's imperfections
It is a compulsory course for parents
We all look forward to children walking out of the exclusive path to becoming talents, but we must also be fully prepared psychologically, they will live into ordinary, ordinary appearance.
A compulsory lesson for parenting is to learn to accept the imperfections of their children.
Some time ago, the Peking University professor who complained that "my daughter is a scum of learning" became red. Peking University Ding Yanqing is a character who can be searched out on Baidu, six years old memorized the Xinhua Dictionary, studied Peking University continuously, stayed in school to work, and later studied at Columbia University, and is currently a doctoral tutor at Peking University or a famous volunteer expert in the college entrance examination.
The open and hanging life is incomparably tough. His wife is also a high-achieving student at Peking University. But the daughter completely avoided the two people's academic bully genes.
Professor Ding talked about his daughter: "My daughter and I are too far apart! This is the way of heaven, there is no way, you must accept, what can you do if you do not accept? That's how she is. ”
Asked: "Can you accept that your children are mediocre and can't get into Peking University?" ”
Professor Ding responded: "That is completely acceptable, that must be accepted, there is a high probability that she will not be able to go to my school, 95% can not go to school." ”
Professor Peking University said that "he has been lying flat", so as a parent, the child's academic performance is important, but there is no need to require him to take the first exam every time.
Don't insult and scold the child because you want to make your child better, without considering the consequences, and hurt your child's young heart with sharp words.
Internationally renowned psychotherapists mentioned in "Poisoned Parents" that children do not distinguish between facts and angry words, they will believe everything their parents say about themselves and turn them into their own ideas.
Children's future has unlimited possibilities, academic performance does not represent everything, from the perspective of love to raise children, the success rate is the highest, compared to good grades, rich heritage, sunny temperament, grateful feelings, is the child's survival in society based on the fundamental.
Accepting a child's imperfections is to bring the child closer to happiness. Every child comes with a mission and will go to the far away where they belong.