After reading the various stories of people struggling at all stages of the relationship, I sincerely hope that all of you friends will understand a truth. If you know exactly what kind of feelings you want, then please do your best to stick to and realize your ideas. The reason is simple, the way you want the feelings to look, but also reflect what kind of person you are. Therefore, whether to choose to stick to your emotional ideals is to decide whether you are willing to live honestly.
I've met many people who are divorced, cheating, or struggling in marriages that are in name only. At the beginning, it was probably on the fluke mentality, coupled with the coaxing and deception of the people around them, and they walked into marriage in a confused way. They probably thought I would make the right person the right fit. Or shift the responsibility for pursuing your ideal life to your partner or time. Over time, however, everyone will eventually understand what kind of person they are. This will not change. Those feelings that are not right, unwilling, and cannot be released will not disappear because of habit and will. On the contrary, after experiencing the continuous erosion of life and feelings, people will find that the truth is more and more naked in front of us. I'm not happy because this relationship really isn't what I want. We usually say that we follow your heart very convincingly, but even if you don't deliberately follow fate and life, it will still push you in the direction of your nature. The essence of a person will hardly change much. You may feel that the choice of going with the flow will make you acceptable, but the truth is that you will never be at ease, and your mind has been tortured and depressed.
One of my clients gave up his career and hobbies for the sake of his family and children. The last person he fell in love with was a man who had a good job and was very involved, and he told me that in this man, he saw the possibility that he had not been able to achieve, and another client insisted on leaving his wife despite the obstruction of family and friends. He said it doesn't matter if you can be with your lover, what matters is that you don't want to continue to feel psychologically lonely and neglected in your current marriage.
In my counseling work, a significant proportion of cases involving extramarital relationships are involved. It's a difficult situation where clients are burdened with self-condemnation, social pressure, anxiety about extramarital relationships, and loneliness with nowhere to go.
Many visitors are eager to get some way out of me. But early in the counseling process, I tend to encourage clients to think in a more painful but more authentic direction. The moral pressures of extramarital love seem to me more like an extrinsic projection of inner conflict. One of life's biggest themes is whether you choose to be true to yourself. And those who choose not to be faithful to themselves often take the path of disloyalty to marriage. The reason you face moral condemnation stems from being disloyal to yourself in the first place. You just transfer the pressure of being insincere to yourself to the outside world by cheating, and thus have to face external moral pressure. Because the object of infidelity is often the image of the partner you most desire in your heart. Or is it the me you yourself want to become, and cheating is to compensate for the lack of a reluctant relationship at the beginning.
If you are honest with yourself, you will face zero moral pressure. Because you will never allow yourself to get into a situation where you get away with it somewhere else. I don't rule out the probability of a happy marriage, but you will still meet someone you love more afterwards. Choices that are not too long are the root cause of suffering. Self-interest bias is a very common cognitive bias. As a result, people always overestimate their luck and are very hard to be honest with themselves. And the painful thing, because you need to bear the pressure of self-doubt and environment, so in choosing marriage is self-deception, is a short-term choice, but time and life in the long run is extremely fair. First, when we have less emotional experience, we know less about what we want or don't want. As a result, we have an error in the choice of relationship, which is like renting a house for the first time in a local life. When you sign the rental contract, you have no concept at all, what will the living experience be like next? But when you have had several different rent experiences, it is likely that you will choose a pleasant and comfortable house to live in. From this point of view, marrying a first love is often a risky thing. People with insufficient emotional experience are the most likely to ignore when choosing a relationship. It is the inconsistency of the growth pace of the two people.
The lack of emotional experience is often the lack of life experience. Therefore, if you don't have enough expectations for people's growth, you may tend to underestimate people's changes. But comparing you now, you were five years ago and you were ten years ago, you can clearly see how much you have changed. Unfortunately, many people do not consider this dimension clearly when choosing relationships.
Second, it's hard for people to say no to things that don't have obvious problems, especially feelings. Leaving an inappropriate relationship does not bring immediate tangible benefits. But it brings the anxiety and pain of separation. Therefore, the emotional relationship of many people has been mixed all the way. It's not that good, but it's not bad enough to be worse than a breakup. For example, it is difficult for people to reject people who are good to me but I don't love enough, or people who have good external conditions but personality and three views are not so consistent. Because love is actually a very idealistic concept, the process of pursuing ideals is a difficult process that must overcome the temptations of various current interests, but people are very adaptable and difficult to delay satisfaction. Coupled with the people around you, it's often easier to see the benefits you get in the moment. So not being able to understand and support your decision. Maybe it's up to you that a relationship hits a 90 to make sure you don't cheat. But what would you do if the current relationship was a 70? Maybe from your point of view, getting a 70-point relationship is already not easy. You are not confident that you can really find the ideal relationship for them to kiss them in the future. With this 20-point gap, you may be avoiding and procrastinating all the time. After marriage and childbirth, she will be a full-time wife. But the price paid and the pressure borne will be magnified many times over time and life.
Third, many people are ashamed to admit their desires when choosing a partner. Some people want their partner to have money, but they think this idea is very money-worshipping. So convince yourself to choose people with development potential. Some people want their partner to be sexy and attractive, but because they are ashamed of their lust or aesthetics, they force themselves to accept ordinary people. The insincerity with oneself, many times, also stems from this sense of shame about one's own desires and expectations. This has a lot to do with the environment in which we live, because our sense of shame and value orientation are subject to many external constraints. Our upbringing forces us to be afraid to accept and emphasize our expectations. Developing independent thinking and judgment and learning to stick to one's own ideas is an important task for a person to live. If you don't complete this task before marriage, when you get married, you are not choosing a partner, but in choosing to make you bored and dissatisfied, and finally learn to be honest with yourself. I suggest you ask yourself a few questions like this before making a choice. First of all, are you a person who can be honest with yourself, who can clearly understand and express your expectations? When your expression is questioned and opposed, can you win space and public opinion support for yourself? Second, when you face your partner, can you see the obvious problems in your relationship? We assume that these problems, you can never adapt and overcome, the future will be more and more dissatisfied. Are your feelings for your partner strong enough to accommodate this dissatisfaction?