Source: Past Hook Sinks Into History
The author of this article is a cowherd, from a small mountain village in Qianshan, Anhui, and finally admitted to Peking University. The warmth of the various human evils and sufferings experienced by the underclass society has made many students who have similar fates with him have a strong resonance. The paper won the 2011 national 100 outstanding doctoral dissertations, but what is more shocking than the paper itself is the afterword that is widely circulated in the circle of doctoral students, and is recommended for more readers to share.
I have long thought that I should write a good pen in the afterword of the paper to commemorate it. However, when I really wanted to write an afterword, I forgot to write and didn't know where to start.
In my 22 years of schooling (1987-2009), it was full of ups and downs. When I was 7 years old, my mother wanted me to go to the first grade, but because I couldn't afford to pay, I had to go to kindergarten first, wasting my precious year. When I was 12, my family reluctantly let me go to the fifth grade. I almost lost my ability to take the primary exam because I couldn't pay the exam fee. The homeroom teacher came to my house to do work, but there was really no money. As a result, the head teacher paid the money on my behalf. I took the second place in the township. However, this achievement did not bring me any joy. On the contrary, it is endless suffering. Because I don't know where my family got the tuition.
The neighbor's children did not get admitted, but because they had money, they could buy junior high school. When they went to school in town with great joy and laughter, I had to help with farm work at home. There was a well-wisher in the village, who was also a family member with the same surname, who wanted to sponsor me to go to school. I am happy. Soon, however, hopes were dashed. Because of the opposition of his family, he also had to give up the idea of funding me.
That fall, my peers were all attending the new school, and they had an exciting, imaginative and yearning middle school life; but I could only herd cattle at home. The cow is a very spiritual animal, and I gradually become good friends with it; slowly, I can put it on the mountain and leave it alone. Because, in this way, I read the book myself. That autumn, I memorized a whole book of song. Until now, all the song words I can remember have been memorized at this time. Whenever dusk came, I went home with the cows. The uncle who raised this cow with my family always criticized me mercilessly for not taking the cattle seriously and the cows not full. Full of grievances, I don't argue, just thinking, I am not suitable for cattle herding.
Maybe the official wants to know, why is my family so poor? Man cannot choose his own birth. I was born in 1980 in a small mountain village in Qianshan, Anhui. Maybe for Qianshan, the officials did not have any impression, but this place came out of the process Chang Geng, Zhang Hexhui, Yu Yingshi and so on. Gunanyue (now known as Tianzhu Mountain) is in the northwest of the county, and it is said that Big Qiao and Little Qiao lived in this place. The banks of the Qianhe River below Gunanyue were once the seat of the ancient Anhui State; Ancient Nanyue is also known as the Anhui Mountains. Anhui is referred to as Anhui, which is also derived from this.
Most of our village is surnamed Xiao, and it is said that they moved from Henan. By the time my grandfather (who had been a security officer), my family began to decline. My grandfather had three children and my father was young and old. Uncle has a foot disability. Grandma died shortly before I was born. The second uncle was blind and died very early. My father had attended the new school, but he was cowardly, had no opinions, and could not live. Mother is so strong. When I was 8 years old, my grandfather died of illness, and there was not a single saving in the family, thanks to a doctor who funded 20 yuan, I finally had a funeral. After the death of my grandfather, the family's situation deteriorated. My mother reluctantly began to do business everywhere, first to collect rags, and then to do vegetable business.
Although the reform and opening up has been carried out in 80 years, our small mountain village is still shrouded in a mysterious, backward, and feudal atmosphere. When my mother came home in her dress for the first time, the whole village was boiling. Later, she met a business friend of the opposite sex and took him home, and the whole village was even more chaotic. I remember that night, I, my uncle, and the mother's friend slept together. Suddenly, a neighbor rushed to open the door. Father got up and opened them, and a group of people rushed in like fierce bandits. A group of women stabilized my mother. Another group of men rushed into the back room where I was sleeping. They grabbed their mother's friend and shoved them to the hall of the old house. They made their mother's friends kneel before the "Heaven and Earth Emperor Master".
The next day, they sent him to the village office. There are village cadres interrogating and cadres taking notes. The whole village gathered outside to watch the bustle. That scene has been around for a long time, and it's still fresh in my mind today. I remember their expressions, I remember their words, they were so excited, they were so enthusiastic. In a small mountain village, this may be a big deal, and everyone has not seen it for a long time.
Originally, because of her violent personality and very strong personality, my mother often quarreled and fought with neighbors. But the father was weak. My mother, as well as myself, was often bullied by others. I just remember one time when our family was eating. A woman next door had just returned from the field, took a hoe, and with a snap she broke the window of my house. It startled me. Because my house is an old house, relatively small. They can poke at will. Another time, we were also eating, and another woman next door had just returned from the mountains. Passing by my door with a big swing. Somehow something twisted with my mother. Because my house is an old house, I share a corridor with their house. Through this corridor, my family can pass through their house and go to the shared old house hall. It is usually a big event such as a red and white celebration in the hall. As a result, their family has installed a door in this corridor that only they can open, and we can't. In other words, they can come over as they please, and we can't go over.
There was also a very humiliating thing, and when I think about it now, it really pained me, and I even doubted the inherent goodness of human nature. I was very young. Another neighbor woman, who quarreled with my mother, took a spoon of excrement and put it on my head. In the countryside, this practice is very vicious. The intention is also obvious, is to hope that I will always be obscure and never grow up.
Because of these backgrounds, coupled with this incident, the mother thought of divorce. I remember my mother sitting by the door crying and stroking my head. She said that there will be no one to take care of you and your brother in the future, and when you grow up, you will have to take care of your brother more. At the time, I was 11 years old. Mother is gone. Leaving me alone, and my 6-year-old brother.
The poor brother had no one to take care of, and was dark and thin. Until now, the villagers still call him "Black Old". He often slept on the floor by himself. Since there was no one to discipline him, he became very naughty. Often thieves and pickpockets. The neighbor complained to me. I couldn't help it, and I used to beat him with a belt behind closed doors, and I cried while hitting.
That is, the year I was admitted to junior high school, my father also raised a pig. Nor did I beg him to sell the pigs to my schooling. Because I know that even if the tuition is paid this time, there will be a next time. In the past, when I asked him for tuition, he always asked me to go alone to ask for debts. He would only sell coolies, and others would always fail to pay the workers in time. I can only confess my fate. That winter, he followed the advice of my neighbor and asked me to go out to work with his neighbor's relatives. I was 12 years old. First come to the master's house dozens of kilometers away from home. Help the master's family to do farm work, and get up early in the morning. On a cold winter morning, the fields are covered with a layer of white frost. I could only grit my teeth and persevere. Sometimes, the master asked me to send clothes or school bags to their children. Seeing my peers quietly going to school in school, I don't know what it's like. Later, the master took me out. Come to another city, Xuancheng.
My master plays cotton. Because I have little strength, I can only do some simple words, such as shaving old cotton wool, matchmaking, etc. When I shave old cotton wool, I often make my nose full of cotton wool, which almost suffocates me. The lead is hooked with the middle finger, often causing a large opening at the middle finger joint, and the blood flow is incessant. At that time, I was not in good health, and there were often roundworms crawling out, and I didn't know what was going on.
The hard winter passed, and I earned 75 yuan. I went home dressed in the clothes that the well-wishers had given me when I was working outside the home, and I seriously handed over the 75 yuan to my father. He took the money to do the New Year goods, and we had a happy New Year. Later, I learned from others. My father was reluctant to sell pigs to school for me, but he listened to his neighbors steal other people's rice machines, was arrested, punished, and sold the pigs to pay a fine.
The following spring, my mother heard about me at my grandmother's house and was very saddened. Especially after hearing someone say that I had taken the second place in the township, they had no hesitation in letting me re-enter the classroom. At first, the people in the village were still very "careful" and told me: "Will your mother abduct you and sell you?" "I was at a loss. My grandmother's house was more than 20 kilometers away from my house, and it was raining that time, and my mother had been braved by the rain to come to me, but she was blinded by the villagers.
Fortunately, through my mother's efforts and the support of my mother's remarried uncle, his friend, I was finally back in school. I went back to grade 5 and took the elementary exam in the same year, and I finished first. In junior high school, my grades are still among the best. But it was also very hard then. Although the mother remarried, the family's economy was also strained. Moreover, the place where she remarried was the same as in our village. The villagers were filled with suspicion, hostility and hatred for the foreigner. In particular, my mother's insistence on sending me to school made them even angrier.
They thought my mother was going to kidnap their family's property and was uneasy about living there. Relatives and friends of her mother's remarried husband's family were particularly obstructive. Concubines often quarrel and fight between each other. Despite such obstruction and hardship, my mother resolutely insisted on sending me to school. Fortunately, however, my mother's husband, my stepfather, was very dedicated and very hard at my schooling, even though he sometimes couldn't help but be provoked by others to beat up on my mother. My mother has told me more than once that she can't die, that she has to endure, that she has to persevere, because she wants me to go to school, that she wants her two children to live well.
During those difficult and difficult days, my biggest fear was not my grades, but the beginning of each semester. Because, the tuition fee problem often makes me feel helpless. Often at the beginning of school, I wait for my mother to come by the side of the road. Often it is the desire to see through, and often the desire to cry without tears. When I was hungry, I took a bite of the dry food my father had made for me; when I was thirsty, I had to endure it. The roads were dusty and how much I hated cars at that time! I hate that they drive past me in a majestic way, leaving behind a nasty cloud of dust!
However, the warmth of campus life has filled my lonely, wounded soul with sunshine and rain. Dear teachers and classmates often help me. The wife of an English teacher works in the cafeteria, and she often does not charge me for meals and gives me more meals. The chemistry teacher would often give me 10 dollars. And the happiest thing about me is that every weekend, I often buy something delicious to take home and give to my uncle and brother.
But once, because of my carelessness, I made an irreparable mistake, and I will not be forgiven for this life. Because I often didn't have enough to eat, my father often made me some dry food for me to take to school to eat. But I often can't finish eating, so I take it home, I can give it to the pigs, I can't waste it. However, there was not much food at that time. The uncle was very hungry, so he found the dry food left in my bag. However, these dry foods were moldy, and the uncle was poisoned and died after eating them. No matter how much I regretted it, no matter how much I cried, no matter how much I cried, the kind and poor uncle who loved me and depended on me was still gone. A year before he died, during the summer vacation, my father went out to work, and I slept in bed, and he got up early in the morning to do farm work. As a result, the neighbor stole the chest containing the property and documents. The uncle was afraid that his father would scold him when he returned, and he slammed his brain against the wall. Why did he hate himself for not locking the door? Why didn't you look good? A year later, the uncle, who had suffered pain and humiliation, left the world. Now, I want to serve him well and buy him good food, but this simple wish cannot be fulfilled.
The three years of junior high school passed quickly, although my grades could go to the key middle school. But the principal said that if my grades in high school were as good as in junior high school, the school would waive my tuition. Therefore, I stayed at my alma mater and continued to attend high school. The thing that worries me the most is the statistical results at the end of each period. Fortunately, every semester I was the first in the school. Among them, there was a small episode that I remember vividly.
Because the atmosphere of the alma mater is not very good. Upper-graders often hit lower-graders for no reason. Once, there were two repeat students who lived in a dormitory because their families had money. They took me and another classmate into their dorm room, slapped us, punched and kicked. It took two hours to let us out. Unable to bear it, we united with the other two classes of the first year of high school and organized a school parade. We wrote big posters, made banners out of the sheets, and put them in big letters. As a result, the principal found me and told me very seriously, "Do you still want to go to school?" "I cried in fright when I heard it, and the tears flowed incessantly. Fortunately, the school attaches great importance to our demands and is very lenient in our treatment. The matter was over and there was no pursuit.
During high school, teachers and classmates helped me more. The new principal often gave me 100 yuan, and the homeroom teacher, English teacher, etc. often let me eat at their house. My classmates often helped me. On the weekend, the students did not dislike the dilapidation of my house and came to my house to play together. The neighbors were also curious to ask them: "His family is so poor, what are you here for?" "Because the town is 5 kilometers from home, when I was in junior high school, I had to go home every weekend. Because bring pickles and rice. Sometimes I come home and I'm alone. My stomach was already hungry, so I had to cook my own food. I couldn't burn it again, and I made sweat and tears flow together. When there is no rice, I often eat sweet potatoes. The neighbor asked curiously, "Do you like sweet potatoes?" Will eating sweet potatoes be full? "As soon as my brother knew I was back, he immediately disappeared without a trace. He was afraid I would call him to beat him. In my sophomore year of high school, with the help of the class teacher and principal, Uncle Chen, a leader in the town, began to fund me. Coupled with heavy study tasks, the number of weekends home is much less.
In the 1999 college entrance examination, I estimated that the score might be 7 or 80 points more than the key line. The president filled in Peking University for me. He said that if he couldn't pass the exam, he would let me re-read for free. The class teacher is more cautious. Because I volunteered to fill out the Diplomatic Academy in early admission. I still remember the class teacher taking me to Hefei and meeting the admissions teacher. As a result, the teacher said I was too short (I was 1 meter 65). The class teacher pleaded, "He's still a child, and he'll grow up." "In the end, it didn't work. The class teacher was worried that I might not be able to enter Peking University, which was a pity.
But God cares for the poor. I was actually admitted to Peking University. Later, I learned that I was the last of the 23 liberal arts students recruited by Peking University in Anhui. I also know from others that there is a repeat student in our county key middle school who scored higher than me, but he was not admitted to Peking University. I am grateful to peking university's admissions teachers in Anhui that year. It was this teacher who completely changed the trajectory of my life.
The news of my admission to Peking University spread to a small mountain village. The villagers were overwhelmed. Maybe they will never think that I will be admitted to the best university in China, nor will they think that I will have such good results when I was obscure since I was a child. But human feelings are cold and warm, the world is hot and cold, and this is often the case. The villagers become faster than anyone else. They immediately gave gifts to my family, and they also promised to send me to school, and when they met, they often invited me to their house for dinner. You know, I hardly had a meal at their house before I was admitted. That feeling was so ironic.
Because of Uncle Chen's help, I quickly raised tuition; Uncle Chen sent me to Hefei, and on the occasion of the separation, he invited me to dinner. At the time, I was crying, not knowing whether to be grateful or worried about my future life. I just remember him saying to me: "Qinghe, don't be afraid, we will always support you!" ”
I clearly remember that I came to The Changping Campus of Peking University alone carrying a large package and riding the bus arranged by the school. The teacher of the report asked me, "Did you come to Beijing alone?" I nodded. She said, "Remarkable. "In the beginning, my Mandarin was not very good. It is often misunderstood.
After coming to Peking University, the previous worries became unnecessary. A family in our county began to selflessly support me. At the same time, the class teacher also learned about my situation and often helped me. Because there were various grants at the school, as well as various scholarships, my financial situation began to improve. At the beginning of my freshman year, based on my grades and family status, I received a Mercedes-Benz scholarship for four consecutive years. (It was also during the winter holidays of my freshman year that my family had electricity, even though our village had electricity very early; before, I had been reading under an oil lamp.) ）
When I was a senior, I applied for a loan on the one hand, and on the other hand, I was very honored to receive a national first-class scholarship. In 2003, I was given the opportunity to take the exam to graduate school in our department. I am very grateful for the help of my supervisor, Professor Sun Shangyang, who was converted from a master's student to a doctoral student in 2005. In 2006, with the selfless help of Master Sun and the support of Professor Lo Lung Kwong of the University of Chinese of Hong Kong, I was qualified to jointly train doctoral students at Peking University and the University of Chinese of Hong Kong. From 2006 to 2008, I lived and studied in Hong Kong.
To this day, except for the two years in Hong Kong, I have lived at Peking University for 8 years. During this period, there are more joys than tears, and happiness is more than pain. However, when I think about the situation at home, I can't help but be very painful. Especially when I thought that I was not yet able to let my mother enjoy her old age in peace, I felt very guilty.
▷Text: Xiao Qinghe, male, born in 1980, from Qianshan, Anhui. Researcher and Deputy Director of the Research Center for Religion and Chinese Society of Shanghai University, his doctoral dissertation "The Heavenly Society" and "Our Party": Research on the Formation and Interaction of Catholic Groups in the Late Ming and Early Qing Dynasties (1580-1722) won the 2011 National Outstanding Doctoral Dissertation, and won the 5th Doctoral Dissertation Award of "Studies in Religion and Chinese Society" from the Research Center for Religion and Chinese Society, Chinese University of Hong Kong.