One of the most rewarding experiences in human relationships is "being seen."
When a person does not feel "seen," he falls into a psychological sense of isolation, from which depression, despair, and emptiness arise—living as if he were dead. Why?
When two people "see each other," you become people who are different from each other. Why?
Why doesn't having a lot of fans and likes necessarily "being seen"?
The topic we're going to discuss with you today is "being seen"—a basic need to be "present" that is destined to be human.
1.
To discuss "being seen," we need to start with ancient human societies.
We all know that human nature is "gregarious" animals. Faced with the threat of nature, the invasion of wild beasts, and the extreme scarcity of resources, humanity understands that only by relying on each other can we survive.
In this context, if a person cannot be seen by others and groups, it means that his survival is directly threatened. They will not have access to the support and resources necessary to survive. Not being seen is literally condemning death.
As civilization progresses, although our lives no longer seem to be as dependent on others as they once were, the need to be seen remains in our blood. Not being seen can still cause our spirits a sense of pain close to death.
2.
Our "self" is established in the process of being seen.
Donald Winnicott is one of the most famous psychoanalysts in the world. In his most famous theory, he proposed that if the infant had a good nurturer, and that nurturer was able to see the needs of the infant and respond to the infant's behavior in a timely manner, the infant would be able to develop a "true self." Such a child can know what he wants, and his life is to live for himself.
And if the nurturer can't see the baby's true needs, the baby develops a "false self." And this false self affects the child's life.
Because we are seen, we believe that our needs are legitimate, that our true selves will be cared for and loved, and that we have our true selves. Even when we grow up to adapt to the needs of the environment and occasionally invoke the false self to deal with the outside world, we have a true self inside us.
The "false self" is a defense, a "mask" of behavior, which exists in accordance with the expectations of others. Because we have not been seen, in order to survive, we have learned to speculate on the minds of others and curry favor with each other to get a chance to live.
The "false self" cannot become the master of a person's inner world, and cannot prevent a person from perceiveing his true existence.
If the "false self" is excessive, or the "true self" is not well established, such a child often grows up to be excellent even if it is affirmed by society, and the heart feels empty and desperate, and there is no feeling of happiness.
3.
The experience of being seen is the cornerstone of healthy and valuable love.
Professor Branden believes that whether it is friendship or love, "psychological visibility" is the cornerstone of love that can be sustained and valuable.
Have you ever met such a person? Ta is like a mirror, and from his eyes we see the most authentic self. The people in our eyes are just like ourselves in our eyes. What he appreciates happens to be the place where I admire myself the most. He understands how I have experienced my life, and he understands my indescribable past and feelings.
This "I am appreciated/loved/recognized because I am" experiences are very different from those of "loved because of some socially recognized value." The spiritual satisfaction and pleasure of "being loved because I am me" is absolutely incomparable to the latter.
At this moment, what we feel is psychological visibility— the "psychological sense of me" can be seen.
I still find this a joy that is difficult to describe in words.
Human existence must have a spiritual part, and the spiritual sense of existence is more difficult for us to feel conclusively than the physical sense of existence because of its "invisibility". So when the mental/spiritual self is seen, we can get a rare "sense of confirmation of existence" – ah, I really exist that way! Along with this, we feel great ecstasy.
Even a one-sided, occasional experience of being seen can be impressive. The experience of being seen through by someone we don't know well will be remembered for many years.
And if two people have psychological visibility in both directions, can continuously see each other's true "psychological self", and can even see parts of the other person that they can't see clearly, this becomes a very valuable relationship - we continue to discover ourselves through this relationship.
This is where Professor Branden believes that the value of friendship lies.
Despite the emotional setbacks that may be experienced, people still have the urge to constantly love and enter into a relationship with another person, precisely because in the relationship we experience psychological visibility, the perception and identification of others with our inner qualities— a feeling that makes us constantly eager to experience it again.
Ultimately, to love someone is to find ourselves in the other person's heart.
4.
The lack of experience of being "seen" by important others can put us on the wrong path.
Many of the attention seekers in this society, those who are particularly anxious for attention, lack the experience of being seen by important others.
As mentioned earlier, because their true selves are never seen by important people, they develop a sense of shame about their existence.
Because they have not been seen, such children begin to think that "the real self is not good, it should be covered up", and even develops to the point that because they believe that the real self is insufficient and flawed, they have a strong sense of shame once they are seen.
They then learned to disguise themselves and pretend that they were "better" than their real selves, and the "better" criterion was the expectations of the outside world and others.
On the one hand, they win the attention of others by flattering, pretending, and even sensationalizing, trying to use this to break the unseen inner environment of their own deadness and despair; on the other hand, they bury their true selves deeper and deeper into a deeper emptiness.
The experience of seeing the true inner self is very different from the experience of simply gaining the attention of others. When our true selves are seen, accepted, or opposed, we all get a sense of being. The experience of authentic self-affirmation makes us feel more and more relaxed and safe. As long as you live like yourself, you can be accepted and recognized, which is a very "anti-anxiety" thing.
And if you get the attention of others by burying your true self, it will bring many complicated emotions. While we receive attention, we still feel hidden anger because the other person ignores the real us. It also brings a sense of fear that your true self is not good enough and that you will eventually lose that attention. We are tense and anxious.
5.
The key to reversing bad situations and making changes happen is still to create new "seen" experiences.
The experience of being "seen" is a prerequisite for self-change and an opportunity for healing to occur.
In the process of counseling, regardless of the genre of technology, the important healing experience that the counselor creates for the patient is "being seen."
Being seen means that the other person is fully committed to you at this moment, and the other person is there for you at this moment.
Being seen also means that the other person listens to you with the best effort, and you can safely let your vulnerability show without worrying about being hurt.
Being seen also means that the other party understands the incomprehensible parts of you without fear, and he accompanies you to understand why you have become the person you are today.
As the experience of being "seen" takes place, we also re-examine ourselves with gentle eyes. We re-understand the part of ourselves that we dare not "delve deeply" into because of shame and sadness, and then generate emotions and release emotions. In the process of releasing emotions, those experiences that may be traumatic are sublimated.
This process is reconciliation with the self.
6.
Finally, we want to tell you what you should do if you want to have the experience of being "seen".
First of all, you have to understand that finding the experience of being seen, like finding true love, requires a spirit of adventure. This is the game of the brave.
Born as a human being, you have value. No conditions need to be met, no grades are required. When you are able to summon up the courage to believe this and begin to endure intense discomfort and show it with deep vulnerability, your first step on the great journey towards love and connection.
Second, you have to learn to pick the "right" people to show yourself.
Don't choose people who don't treat everyone well, but tell you they'll only be good for you alone. Choose someone who is always friendly, someone who is safe, someone who is mature enough not to judge others at will.
Sometimes we can't get the experience of being "seen" simply because we keep choosing the wrong goal and keep putting in the effort that is doomed to be futile. Sometimes, parents can also be the wrong people when it comes to seeking to be seen.
Finally, please see yourself first.
Please learn to look at yourself with gentle, unapologetic, caring eyes. Look at the needs that have been snubbed over the years, the parts that have been buried deeply because they are not loved by some important other.
See yourself, and then someone will see you like this. And for that person, such a you are just right.