In the new issue of "Summer of the Eaves", Fu Seoul said: I hope that the elders will not always say that they do not care with their children.
Only by expressing their needs can children know what their parents need!
I agree with Fu Seoul's statement.
Chinese parents almost all have a habit of giving everything for their children.
One day, when their children grow up and have a job, they can repay their parenting grace, and they are not willing to let their children pay.
Children ask them what they need, and they say they don't need anything.
The children give them living expenses, and they refuse to accept it, for fear of burdening the children, and in the end the children think that they really don't need it.
But is that actually the case?
In fact, no, they also want the company of their children, they also want their children's care, and they want their children to bring some surprises to themselves from time to time.
But their inner sense of responsibility compels them to tell them not to trouble their children.
So this leads to the fact that every time children ask them what they need, they say they don't need anything.
In fact, this can not be blamed on them, after all, they live in such a big environment, influenced by our culture.
Over time, an ideological concept is formed.
So why do parents say things they don't care about with their children?
01
Influenced by traditional culture
We have been such a traditional culture from ancient times to the present.
Parents see their children as their own, and give all the things they have to their children, especially the elderly.
They live in this environment, and over time, they will slowly be affected.
As a result, I feel that as a parent, I should do everything I can for my children.
And, once they form this idea.
As they get older, even if others persuade her to accept the children's dedication to themselves, they will not listen.
Because this concept of loving children has been deeply imprinted in their hearts, how can it be said that change can be changed?
For example, my grandmother, my grandmother is a very child-loving woman, in fact, it can be said to be coddling.
Because she was more doting on my uncle and my dad.
When I was a child, my uncle and father basically didn't work, let alone cook, which was a bit difficult.
As a result, my father still can't cook, the laundry is not very clean, and he has formed a habit of relying heavily on my mother for housework.
These have to be said to have a lot to do with Grandma's education.
Of course, there is also a certain relationship with my mother.
Sometimes, grandma took retirement pay, and she would give it to uncle and my dad, even though uncle and dad wouldn't ask for her money.
Or buy something she likes to eat, she will also be reluctant to eat, leave some for my dad, wait for him to come back to eat.
When eating, she would also give all the meat to my father and uncle, and she would not eat it herself.
Every time I see it, I say, "Grandma, eat more of yourself."
My dad has grown up, and you should think more about yourself now and stop looking at him like a child. ”
Although Grandma promised very well at the time, she still did what happened afterwards.
At that time, I understood that grandma could not listen to the persuasion of others.
She has lived for decades, and this idea has long been deeply rooted, like bamboo that has been growing deep in the soil for decades, and you can't pull it out.
Knowing that she was used to this, we followed her.
02
Afraid of causing trouble for their children
Many parents are reluctant to make requests with their children, or accept their children's kindness, but they are actually afraid of causing trouble for their children.
The most obvious manifestation of loving a person is that she will think from the other person's point of view.
Before she does this, she will think about whether doing so will make the other party unhappy and uncomfortable.
She doesn't do it until she's sure it won't have an impact, and that's what her parents are.
Speaking of which, I think of last year's hit TV series "Thirty Only".
"Thirty Only" has such a plot.
After Gu Jia's father retired, he decided to go to a nursing home to spend his old age, and he did not plan to go to his daughter's home for the elderly.
Gu Jia had asked him to live in his own home many times, but he just didn't want to.
He said he was in good health and could take care of himself, so there was no need to bother her.
Gu Jia grew up with her mother dying early, and it was her father who brought her up alone.
Because of this, she learned to live independently too early.
Now that she has grown up and has her own family and life, she wants to repay her father and let him live with her.
But as a father, he did not want to cause trouble for his daughter, so he refused on the grounds of living in a nursing home.
Does Gu Jia's father really not want to live with his daughter?
No, no parent doesn't want to see their children.
It's just that he knows that his daughter is older and has her own family, and he shouldn't bother her life.
Although he and his daughter are relatives, they also have a son-in-law.
After a long time, there will be friction if you are not sure, and at that time, it will be very difficult for the daughter to be sandwiched in the middle.
And if he passes, the daughter will take care of both the child's husband and him, which will be very hard.
He didn't want to see his daughter so tired, and since he couldn't help her share the pressure, he could only avoid causing her trouble.
This plot actually reflects social reality.
There are many parents like Gu Jia's father in life, who choose to live alone after raising their children and do not bother their children.
Because they know that there is a lot of pressure on young people in society now.
There is not only the pressure of mortgages and car loans, but also the pressure of children's education problems, and they are too burdened.
As parents, since they cannot share the pressure on their children, they can only avoid burdening them.
Therefore, parents are the people who love us the most in the world.
Because of love, they will think from our point of view, and they will first consider whether we are happy or not.
As long as we are happy, they are relieved.
03
It has become a habit
Finally, it is the love of parents for their children that has become a habit.
From the time a child is born to the age of eighteen, or even more than eighteen years.
Chinese parents are different from those in Western countries, even if we are adults, our parents will still take care of us and do not trust us.
In this way, our parents have spent more than twenty years taking care of us.
So the love and care for us has long become their habit.
We can look around, even if some people are married and have their own small families.
Their parents still don't trust them and still sometimes want to see how they are doing.
Like I'm not married yet, I'm already working to earn money.
My mom would sometimes ask me if I had any money to spend.
In fact, they are not inseparable from their children, but loving their children has become their habit.
So what to do about this situation?
I don't think it's very useful to talk bitterly with my parents.
Even if you say to her today, "Mom, if you need anything, just tell me, don't be afraid to trouble me." ”
They will most likely not say it, because their ideas have been formed and it is difficult to change and reverse.
Since we can't change their minds, as children, we usually care more about our parents.
Keep an eye on what your parents want, see what they need, and then inadvertently buy them for them.
Or go home and spend more time with your parents when you have a holiday break.
Of course, there are always exceptions in this world, and there are parents who are only concerned about their children.
Then there are parents who do not love their children and are bent on taking only for them, such as Fan Shengmei's parents.
At that time, when I watched "Ode to Joy", I was very angry about the practice of Fan Shengmei's parents.
I can't figure out why Fan Shengmei didn't leave such a family?
Later, I realized that sometimes they lived in such a native family for a long time, like boiled frogs in warm water.
I can't get rid of it, and I've even lost the idea of wanting to escape.
There was also a 14-year-old girl jumping off a building in Shanghai some time ago.
Because her parents' expectations of her are too high, the pressure exerted is too great, and even if she does not do well, she will be viciously accused and beaten by her mother.
In the end, she couldn't stand it, jumped down from the 14th floor, left a three-page suicide note, and the 14-year-old flower season age disappeared.
Originally, it is good for parents to have expectations for their children, but if the children are not capable enough, and the parents' expectations become very paranoid, it is not a good thing.
So, what should parents like this do to their children?
First, respect for children.
Many parents always think that we are his children and can ignore each other's feelings.
Vicious words to children, punches and kicks, the result is that the relationship with children is getting worse and worse.
Every child has a scale in his heart.
How her parents treated her and the way she was educated would profoundly affect her.
If parents do not respect their children, then the children will not only be hurt in their hearts.
And she will also use this way of education to educate her children in the future.
Therefore, we often say that the performance of children is actually more of a microcosm of their parents.
Second, communicate more with your children.
Although their children are many years apart from themselves, it is still necessary for parents to communicate with them and learn more about their inner thoughts.
Especially in adolescents.
Why do we always see news of children jumping off buildings to commit suicide now?
In fact, it is more because parents do not have inner communication with their children.
This age group is the time when children need the most attention, and they need the understanding and comfort of their parents.
Therefore, listen to your children's thoughts and tell them your thoughts at the same time, so as to avoid misunderstandings between each other.
Finally, don't treat your children as your appendages.
From the moment the child is born, it means that he is an independent individual.
As parents, you should not treat your children as appendages to yourself.
Moreover, we should not get benefits through children and let children earn face for themselves.
Instead, you should be a friend to get along with them and communicate with them.
Only then can you be equal and they will let down their guard against their parents.
Of course, I believe that most parents love their children, they will think about their children, and avoid burdening their children.
Then, as children, we should also be considerate of the hardships and difficulties of our parents.
In fact, parents don't want much, they just want to see their children more and let their children accompany them more.
As the saying goes, parents are here, life still has a place to come, parents go, life is only the way back.
When the parents are there, there is still a place to rest and rely on;
When your parents are gone, you are left with only the way back.
Therefore, often go home to see their parents, and spend more time with their parents, for them, it is actually enough.
Author | Nancy Anhui University master of translation, through the ministry of personnel third-level translation, in-depth research in the field of gender emotions, good at finding problems from emotions and solving problems, so that more people are aware, become a better self.