The Gates divorce shows the chaotic reality of conjugal work together

While it's hard to know what leads a couple to end their marriage， in their public statement Bill and Melinda Gates drew on familiar language. They no longer believe that they “can grow together” but will continue to “work together to shape and approve foundation strategies”. That is not uncommon for working couples who separate. While they might no longer love each other， they still love their shared projects. It's the professional version of remaining committed to doing the best for the children.

The Gates's announcement is a reminder that keeping a relationship and two careers going over a lifetime is not easy. It also shows that the end of one relationship need not be the end of another. However， just as a marriage vow is an expression of commitment， but not a guarantee， so is a vow of professional collaboration. Sustaining both takes work.

While researching a book on the lives of working couples， I spoke to many who chose to start a business or do charity work to spend “active time” together as they grew older， in the way that others pick up tennis or golf. For these duos， work is often a source of friction and delight. The pride of keeping it all going， the little triumphs，the conflicts and trade-offs are even more intense when the partners work together in a shared venture， or in the same team or organisation. If you are in one of those couples， there are steps that you can take to maximise your chances of thriving in both your relationship and your careers.

First， accept that boundaries will be fluid. You will break into a conversation about work over a family game of Cluedo. I found that one of the reasons couples enjoy working together is that they feel more understood， more in sync and more able to be a sounding board for each other. All that can be messy. Best to allow the messiness in， deal with it and then get back to the task at hand.

Second， make sure that your shared work feeds your growth as a couple. Relationships thrive when they allow both partners to grow. Careers thrive when people grow within them. One of the most important efforts a couple can make is working to keep“supporting symmetry”， that is， ensuring that both partners get equal amounts of support from the other.

Third， remember that some distance is the fuel of desire. Being together all the time， as many couples who work together are， may make partners feel close， but it is unlikely to make them hungry for each other. Engineering time apart， both inside and outside of work， is vital.

While it's hard to know what caused a couple to end their marriage, Bill and Melinda Gates used familiar wording in their public statements. They no longer believe that the two people "can grow together," but will continue to "work together to develop and approve the foundation strategy." This is not uncommon for part-time partners who break up. They may no longer love each other, but they still love the projects they share. This is the professional version that continues to think as much as possible for the children.

The Gates statement reminds people that it is not easy to keep one relationship and two careers for a lifetime. It also shows that the end of one relationship does not necessarily mean the end of another. However, just as marriage vows express promises rather than guarantees, so do the vows of professional cooperation. Maintaining both requires effort.

While researching a book about dual-career life, I interviewed many couples who chose to spend "activity time" together as they got older by starting a business or doing charity work, just as everyone else chose to play tennis or golf. For these couples, work is often a source of friction and pleasure. When partners work together in a shared business or in the same team or organization, the pride, small accomplishments, contradictions, and trade-offs that keep everything running becomes stronger. If you're part of one of these couples, there are a few steps you can take to maximize your chances of success in both your marital relationship and your career.

First, the boundaries of acceptance of the two are not fixed. You'll suddenly talk about work while playing the family game Mystery Quest. I've found that one of the reasons couples enjoy working together is that they feel more understood, more in sync, and more likely to be counseled by each other. It can all be chaotic. It's best to accept this confusion, deal with it, and get back to the job at hand.

Second, make sure that the work you share facilitates your growth as a couple. If both partners can grow, the marital relationship will flourish. If people can grow in it, careers will flourish. One of the most important efforts a couple can make is to strive to maintain a "support symmetry," i.e. to ensure that both partners receive an equal amount of support from each other.

Third, remember that a certain distance is the fuel of desire. Staying together all the time, as many couples who work together, may make couples feel intimate, but it's unlikely to make them crave each other. It is crucial to schedule a little time separation between work and after work. (Translated by Wang Lei from the Financial Times website on May 7)

Source: Reference News Network