When cleaning the bedroom for the boy he liked, he accidentally knocked over the trash can. A sticky mess rolled out.
Half wrapped in tissues, it didn't look like it had been long, maybe last night, maybe this morning.
I can't describe the mood of that moment.
1
When my mom called, I was helping Bowen clean up the bedroom.
自从上个月，博文把家里的备用钥匙放到了我手里。
During this time, I would come over almost every day.
Although he has not yet officially opened his mouth, we seem to have tacitly agreed on the relationship.
照常问了些我生活上的琐事后，我妈突然提了句，小婷回国了。
The hand that was wiping the bedside table suddenly stopped at the moment of hearing the name.
The next second, I quickly turned off the speakerphone.
透过虚掩的门缝，我看见博文坐在沙发上，正安静地玩手机。
The expression on his face was always calm and indifferent, and he was not alarmed.
I shouldn't have heard it.
I think.
Relieved, I lowered my voice and asked my mom:
"Isn't she getting married next month?" How did you suddenly return to China?"
"You don't know?" At that end, my mother seemed to hesitate for a moment, and she wanted to stop talking.
最后叹了口气，告诉我，小婷的男朋友婚前劈腿，被她当场抓包，婚事自然不了了之。
The simple two sentences have completely made me not calm.
小婷虽然是我表姐，其实也只比我大了几个月。
We both grew up playing together, and I felt bad when I heard my mom say that she had encountered this kind of thing.
On the other hand......
小婷是博文整个大学时期唯一承认过的女朋友。 At that time, I was just a small tail behind them.
不是我愿意做他俩的跟班，只是每次约会，小婷总喜欢找各种借口，带上我这个表妹。
那时我还不知道原因，后来才想明白，她一早就看出我对博文的喜欢，只是想用这样的方式，让我看清楚罢了。
This awkward way continues until graduation.
两个人因为毕业后的安排发生分歧，小婷最终决定出国深造，狠心对博文提了分手。
为此小婷颓废了很长一段时间。
那段时间，是我陪在博文身边，看着他烂醉如泥，再一点点缓过来。
也或许是那段时间的陪伴，博文对我，比对其他人，总归是有一点点不同的。
说到小婷男朋友劈腿的荒唐事，我妈越说越激动，嗓门也越来越大。
怕被博文听到，我忍不住扭过头，透过门缝去看他。
博文这会儿正在逗猫。
He lowered his head, slender fingers slowly and methodically smoothing the kitten's back, the contours of the side of his face to the neckline were very superior, but there was still no expression on his face.
The kitten lazily crouched beside him, half-squinting, looking very enjoyable.
This eight-month-old Muppet cat was a gift I gave him when I heard the news of Xiaoting's engagement half a year ago and finally plucked up the courage to confess to Bowen.
That day he accepted my gift, and named the kitten on the spot, called Tuanzi, saying that it was like me, soft and small.
When he said this, his eyes were rarely gentle, and there was a shallow smile in the corner of his mouth, which strengthened my courage to confess.
可能是觉察到我要说什么，博文突然侧头避开我的目光，嗓音微沉：
「曼曼，再等等，好吗？」
My heart instantly cooled.
或许那个时候，我才突然意识到，就算小婷有男朋友，感情好到快要结婚了，博文也愿意一直等她，就像我也愿意一直守着他一样。
"Manman?"
A reminder from my mom pulled my mind back.
Fixing my mind, I casually replied to my mother, "Huh?"
目光却并没有从客厅里的博文身上移开。
He seemed to be talking to someone on the phone now, and there was always a faint smile on the corner of his mouth.
A strong sense of crisis arose in my heart.
博文唇角突然微微动了动，似乎念了一个名字。
「小婷.....」
My mother was still saying something over there, and I was just in a daze, my forehead horns twitching suddenly, and my palms were cold.
The trash can next to the bed was suddenly tripped by the small ball that ran in.
When I went to help the garbage can, a box of Okamoto suddenly rolled out of it.
Rolling out together, there was a slimy mess.
At that moment, I couldn't tell what mood I was in, but I could numbly pull over the tissue at the head of the bed and throw the pile of things back into the trash can.
My mother's voice came from the other end of the phone:
「对了，我刚才就想问了，你姨妈说小婷心情不好想散散心，昨天买了票飞你这来了。 It should have been last night, didn't she contact you?"
2
几乎是一瞬间，我想起来，昨晚我给博文打了十几个电话，一直没人接......
直到我今天过来，博文也没有对我有一个字的解释。
Everything is already clear.
赵越昨晚确实没有联系我，她联系的人，原来是博文。
I don't know how I hung up the phone or how I got out of the bedroom.
跟博文的目光对上的那一瞬，我愣了一下，探究的话还没问出口，他已经下了逐客令。
"I'll do something later, Manman, you go back first."
The indifference that came out of my tone made my heart feel like I was being held tight, and it was difficult to breathe.
I lowered my head, my fingers sinking heavily into my palms.
半年前的那次告白过后，我以为我和博文的关系，只能这样了。
Until two months ago, I almost got lost in the mountains.
找到我的那一刻，博文第一次紧紧抱住我。
他滚烫的呼吸落在我脖子上，急切地喊我名字，「曼曼......」
I could feel his worry, his body trembling slightly.
Since then, our relationship has grown by leaps and bounds. He even, gave me spare keys to his house.
I thought that this time, I could finally get what I wanted.
没想到，小婷和她男朋友分手了。
The person who gets his wish is Bowen
现在，博文又恢复了以前那副，拒我于千里之外的模样。
It seems that the gentle ambiguity of these two months is the illusion of my own.
The sound of the door locks turning outside pulled me back to reality.
小婷站在门口，眼神复杂地朝我们这边看过来。
Her eyes were tinged with embarrassment, but also with some insightful guilt and pity.
It made me feel like there was a muffled breath stuck in my chest, slimy and heavy, and I couldn't breathe.
小婷看到我，又看了眼博文，迟疑了一秒，立刻解释说，昨晚她来得匆忙，是陆河好心收留了她。
When she came over, something had accidentally landed in the guest room last night.
说这话时，小婷特意加重了「客房」俩字。
隔了一会儿，博文才说：「好，我拿给你。」
I listened silently to their clumsy remarks and pulled the corners of my lips stiffly.
目光一转，正好看见小婷手上那串熟悉的钥匙。
My head suddenly "buzzed".
It seems that even this, I am not the only one.
博文很快就拿着一个袋子从房里出来了。
小婷伸手去拿袋子的时候，博文突然一把握住了她的手腕。
"Didn't the doctor say that the symptoms were very mild, and how the allergies were not good?" His brow furrowed tightly, but his tone was soft.
这种柔声细语的体贴，就算是和我最暧昧的这两个月里，博文也没有给过我。
小婷的手腕很白，长了些红疹子，很小，几乎看不出痕迹。
她微挑了下眉，对博文笑了笑：「快好了，已经不肿了。」
博文紧紧盯着她，紧绷的唇线终于松了松，「那就好。」
Two people stood in the living room talking, and there was no one around.
It left me in a slight trance for a moment.
博文在面对她的时候，好像一直是这样。
Every word, every look, with warm affection, is very different from the perfunctory treatment of me.
后来两人分手，博文假装自己已经放下，却拒绝任何人的靠近。
Now the two of them have broken the mirror and reunited.
博文终于可以卸下层层伪装，几乎是刻意、强势地让赵越知道，他不愿再失去她。
At that moment, I clearly experienced a kind of jealousy that was scratching my heart.
At this time, the dumplings rubbed under my feet and began to play wildly, and they should be hungry.
博文的眼里没有我，更别提它了。
Until I found the cat food and fed the dumplings, the two were still talking.
Not wanting to stay here any longer, embarrassed to watch the two of them reminisce, I packed up my things and prepared to leave quickly.
When I walked to the door, I thought about it, took out the spare key in my pocket, and put it on the cabinet by the door.
There were some words that I didn't want to hear him say, and that was too embarrassing.
身后却突然传来博文的声音：「小婷对猫毛过敏。」
I turned my head to look at him, not understanding what he meant.
博文只是稍稍抬了抬眼，语气淡淡的，听上去却毋庸置疑：
"Take the dumplings with you."
3
There was a momentary dead silence in the atmosphere.
我张了张嘴，却不知道该说什么，只是无意识地呆呆看着博文。
It turned out that I was so sad that I couldn't even cry.
「曼曼，你别误会。」
My hand was suddenly clenched, and the temperature from my palm woke me up.
小婷不知道是什么时候走到我面前的。
She patted the back of my hand soothingly, in a low, but gentle tone:
「刚才博文说，我初来乍到，没有落脚的地方，一个人住酒店也不安全，就让我先在他这里住几天。 When I'm done and I'm done, he'll bring the dumplings back."
说着，她转头看了一眼博文，弯了弯唇：「没想到这么多年了，他还是那么贴心。」
I looked at her, and when I reacted, I suddenly felt a little funny.
如果说这世上有谁最会往我心上捅刀子，一定非小婷莫属。
Although knowing that she is innocent and unintentional.
Yes, it's unintentional.
我还记得，那时候博文在系里是出了名的高冷，家境好长得更好，只是待人太过淡漠疏离，让人不敢随意接近。
我能和博文熟识，很大原因是实验室分到了一组。
那段时间天天都很忙，小婷看我早出晚归，很是心疼，几乎每天都来实验室给我送营养汤。
慢慢地，博文和小婷开始有了交集，营养汤也逐渐从一份变成了两份。
Later, after the two of them were together, Zhao Yue joked that he didn't want to snub me, and then he liked to take me with him for everything.
虽然我再三拒绝不想当电灯泡，最后总是招架不住小婷的各种撒娇，只能妥协。
有次我们出去吃饭，我和小婷正聊着天，没注意到博文点了三份葱油拌面。
小婷爱吃拌面，但她不爱吃葱。
She frowned invisibly, but said nothing, picked up the chopsticks, and took a small sip of the noodles.
喜欢一个人，总会下意识留心她的一举一动，博文也不例外。
他察觉到小婷似乎在刻意避开葱花后，沉了沉眉，突然扯出一张卫生纸垫在桌上。
在小婷惊诧的目光下，把她碗里的葱花，一颗一颗全挑了出来。
做好这一切后，博文看着仍然瞪大眼睛的小婷，伸手宠溺地揉了揉她的头，笑了笑：「现在可以吃了。」
那时的小婷也是用这样的语气，吃到一半的时候，红着脸，悄悄跟我咬耳朵，「曼曼，博文好贴心哦。」
我没说话，看着小婷面前的那碗拌面，有些恍惚。
那之后，博文经常会在私底下问我小婷的喜好，我知无不言，尽职扮演好一个助攻，却再也没和他们一起出去过。
Thoughts are pulled back to the present.
I withdrew my hand, pressed the sourness inside, and lifted my feet and went straight to the utility room.
收拾了些团子的日常用品，我把窝在沙发上伸懒腰的团子抱了起来，整个过程都没有看博文一眼。
再次经过小婷身边的时候，我脚步顿了顿，微微扯了扯唇角：
「博文从来不是什么贴心的人，只是对象是你而已。」
......
回去的路上下起了雨，好在我住的地方离博文家很近，大概只有十几分钟的路程。
When I got home and took a shower, I also took a bath for the dumplings, and it was almost ten o'clock when I was busy.
小婷给我发来了一条微信：
「曼曼，我这次回来，真的没想过和你抢博文。」
I thought about it for a while, and finally replied to her, "But you slept last night, didn't you?"
There was no reply over there.
Looking at the phone screen that was about to go out, I suddenly thought of something.
前几天，闺蜜来我这边出差，博文和我一起请她吃饭。
等上菜的时候，闺蜜的视线一直在我和博文身上来回游移。
我微微有些不自在，下意识抬头去看博文。
而博文目光不变，自然拉过我的手，包裹在掌心中，轻轻摩挲着。
It's like an acknowledgment, or rather, a declaration.
That heat spread all the way down my hand, making my whole heart hot.
It wasn't until the waiter had served the dishes that I was relieved.
Then I heard my girlfriend discussing with the waiter, saying that she accidentally ordered the wrong dish, her friend did not eat onions, and then asked the waiter if he could change the chicken in green onion oil.
我愣了几秒，抬眼便和博文的眼神相撞。
Seeing the fleeting surprise in his eyes, I lowered my head, only to feel that I was embarrassed at this time.
大概我在他心中真的很不重要，不然为什么这么久了，博文也没发现，我和小婷一样，都不喜欢吃葱呢。
I should have thought it out a long time ago.
After another pause, I turned on the computer and prepared to find a house to move.
Half a year ago, because of a job transfer, I came to the city. 除了博文，我在这里没有熟人，当时是他帮我找的房子。
He said it was his brother-in-law's vacant house, which had been unoccupied.
博文的小舅舅叫沈羡之，国外名校毕业，是金融和工商管理双学位硕士，年龄却只比博文大三岁。
Speaking of which, I had a relationship with him.
那次博文的生日宴，我告白失败，不抬头都能感受到在场的人嘲讽、同情的目光。
When I was cramped and embarrassed, only Shen Xianzhi in the corner gave me a friendly smile.
当时没思考多久，我就决定住在这里，并且向博文要来了沈羡之的微信，按照市场价，每个月按时给他转账租金。
In addition, Shen Xianzhi and I have no other contact.
Staring at the screen for an unknown amount of time, I found a few good places, added the contact information of the intermediary, and gradually felt that my head was a little groggy.
He rubbed his temples and his vision began to blur.
Later, I simply turned off the computer and completely collapsed on the sofa, unable to lift half a bit of strength.
Most likely because of the rain that rained today.
In the confusion, someone seemed to be approaching.
Immediately after, a cold touch came from his forehead.
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