What kind of children are easy to raise in a scheming family?

Text丨Yang Liufeng Image source: Meisu Gallery

1

Recently, when I was tutoring my child's study, I couldn't help but get angry at him.

The reason for emotional out-of-control is simple.

In order to consolidate the pinyin he had learned, let him spell out "Around the World in Eighty Days", in which there is a sentence "Don't bring a big suitcase......".

He was stupid enough to tell the difference between b and d, and he misspelled it several times, but I patiently reminded him.

This time he stumbled and spelled "don't, bring", I was quite happy, and felt that the hard work of the night was not in vain.

But he still spelled "da" into "ba", and he set me on fire all at once.

Seriously, if he hadn't spelled "don't, bring" correctly, and spelled "da" into "ba", I wouldn't have been so angry.

However, because he read it correctly the first minute, I don't think he can't, but he doesn't take it seriously.

When I thought that I didn't do anything, I accompanied him wholeheartedly to study, but he was so unconcerned about studying, and he couldn't help but be angry.

I made a straight face and criticized the child seriously, for fear of leaving a shadow on the child, and emphasized to him, "Mom criticizes you not because you didn't read it right, but because you don't take it seriously and don't care." ”

After the anger, the child was much more serious in phonics that night.

He no longer looked at Pinyin and read it aloud, but first read it quietly in his mouth, and then read it out loud when he felt confident.

He did make fewer mistakes.

If time had stayed on this day, my anger would have worked, but then things turned out to be unexpected.

The next night, I took out the book again and asked him to spell it out.

He changed his previous enthusiasm for reading, frowning, full of reluctance.

Later, his resistance to phonics became more apparent.

"Mom, I don't like phonics. ”

"Mom, I don't like to read. ”

……

When I saw him, who is known as "not fond of reading", holding "Playing with Art History" for half an hour and not letting go, and not even wanting to put down eating, I suddenly realized that I had done something wrong in the past.

It's not that he doesn't like to read anymore, but he doesn't want to make phonics mistakes in front of me.

So, he simply didn't read it.

Because they are afraid of being criticized by their parents for making mistakes, affecting their parents' evaluation of themselves, and destroying their image in the minds of their parents, they give up trying directly in order to avoid making mistakes, or cover up and avoid when they accidentally make mistakes.

2

A parent's love for their children can be said to be the most selfless and touching love in the world.

However, why do parents who are willing to give everything for their children, even sacrificing their lives, fall into a critical situation for their children and find it difficult to tolerate their children's small mistakes?

Is it so important to distinguish B and D later?

Is it that important that you can't remember a few words?

Is it so important to drop academic performance once?

In fact, for parents, they will distinguish the nature, type, and size of the mistake.

But for children, they can't tell the difference.

Blindly criticizing children's mistakes can not really help children grow up, except for leaving them with the psychological impression that making mistakes is shameful, and causing them to make mistakes is their own bad psychological burden.

Compared with children who are tolerated by their parents and actively guided by their parents when they make mistakes, children who are only criticized after making mistakes are more difficult to face their mistakes and are more inclined to hide their mistakes from their parents.

So they began to learn to lie.

Learn to run away, stop telling you the truth, and move farther and farther away from you.

3

If you extend the time to a few years later, you will find that these things that we find intolerable at the time, and there are good reasons to be angry with our children, are really small things.

Sometimes, we get angry with our children, ostensibly because they have done something wrong, but the fundamental reason is that we do not accept our inner selves and our own lives, so we project too many expectations onto our children.

Are we really angry at our child's behavior because he did something wrong, or because he didn't behave as much as we expected of him?

A cousin of mine, she is a junior high school teacher, she loves students, is conscientious and responsible, patient and meticulous, and is widely praised by parents. He is sincere and generous, empathetic, and has won the recognition of his in-laws and relatives.

People who don't know are envious of the niece who has a gentle mother, but the niece has a very tense relationship with her mother.

Actually, my cousin also knows that it's her own reason, but she always can't control her temper.

At that time, because of the family's financial constraints, she took the initiative to choose a secondary school in order to reduce the burden on her parents.

After joining the work, she continued to study and made certain achievements in education, but she still envied her classmates who went to college and longed for the campus life of the university.

She hopes that her daughter will be admitted to university, so she pays great attention to her daughter's studies and cares about her daughter's grades. Regardless of the big or small exams, as long as the niece's academic performance drops, the cousin will severely criticize her.

In the end, the niece met her mother, just as a mouse met a cat.

4

Accepting children is now the consensus of more and more parents.

To truly accept children, we must not only accept the subjectivity of children, recognize children as an independent individual, and be beyond the will of parents, but also accept ourselves.

Accepting your imperfect self, accepting mistakes and regrets is a part of life, so you don't have to force your children to listen to our experience when you face your past mistakes, and you can laugh at your past shortcomings and no longer pin your unfulfilled dreams on your children.

Children who can't distinguish between B and D will one day memorize the 26 letters, and who will remember the scores in a few years for the children's nervous final exams.

However, hurtful words are like nails in the wall, and the closer they come to them, the stronger they are nailed.

There are many kinds of regrets in life, and one of them is that when we finally learn to accept our children's mistakes, children have learned to hide from their parents.

They would rather struggle alone in a difficult situation, sink again in fear and self-blame, rather than seek help from their parents.

By the time they were forced to confide in their families, the mistake had become bigger and bigger, and even irreparable.

There are even some children who would rather give their lives to death than expose their mistakes and wounds to their families.

We should have told our children a long time ago that everyone makes mistakes in life, and the key to making a difference in life is how to face them. Facing positively and learning from experience is the sunshine that illuminates the rest of life, and being ashamed and covering up and avoiding it is the dark cloud that envelops life.

I hope that in the future, not only can good news be shared between children and parents, but mistakes can also be calmly put on the table:

Mom and Dad, I made a mistake......

Parents who are calculating often end up raising children who are timid and cowardly, or who are equally calculating.

In a life that is destined to make mistakes, allowing mistakes and accepting mistakes can be said to be the best gift for parents and children to each other!

Only in this way can we nip the greater tragedy at the source.

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#07c160;--weui-BLUE: #10aeff;--weui-INDIGO: #1196ff;--weui-PURPLE: #8183ff;--weui-WHITE: rgba(255, 255, 255, .8);--weui-LINK: #7d90a9;--weui-TEXTGREEN: #259c5c;--weui-FG: #fff;--weui-BG: #000;--weui-TAG-TEXT-RED: rgba(250, 81, 81, .6);--weui-TAG-BACKGROUND-RED: rgba(250, 81, 81, .1);--weui-TAG-TEXT-ORANGE: rgba(250, 157, 59, .6);--weui-TAG-BACKGROUND-ORANGE: rgba(250, 157, 59, .. 1);--weui-TAG-TEXT-GREEN: rgba(6, 174, 86, .6);--weui-TAG-BACKGROUND-GREEN: rgba(6, 174, 86, .1);--weui-TAG-TEXT-BLUE: rgba(16, 174, 255, .6);--weui-TAG-BACKGROUND-BLUE: rgba(16, 174, 255, .1);--weui-TAG-TEXT-BLACK: rgba(255, 255, 255, .5);--weui-TAG-BACKGROUND-BLACK: rgba(255, 255, 255, .05)}}@media screen and (min-width:1024px) and (prefers-color-scheme:dark){body:not(.pages_skin_pc) .wx-root: not([data-weui-theme=light]),body:not(.pages_skin_pc) body:not([data-weui-theme=light]){--weui-BG-0: #111;--weui-BG-1: #1e1e1e;--weui-BG-2: #191919;--weui-BG-3: #202020;--weui-BG-4: #404040;--weui-BG-5: 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#7d90a9;--weui-TEXTGREEN: #259c5c;--weui-FG: #fff;--weui-BG: #000;--weui-TAG-TEXT-RED: rgba(250, 81, 81, .6);--weui-TAG-BACKGROUND-RED: rgba(250, 81, 81, .1);--weui-TAG-TEXT-ORANGE: rgba(250, 157, 59, .6);--weui-TAG-BACKGROUND-ORANGE: rgba(250, 157, 59, .1);--weui-TAG-TEXT-GREEN: rgba(6, 174, 86, .) 6);--weui-TAG-BACKGROUND-GREEN: rgba(6, 174, 86, .1);--weui-TAG-TEXT-BLUE: rgba(16, 174, 255, .6);--weui-TAG-BACKGROUND-BLUE: rgba(16, 174, 255, .1);--weui-TAG-TEXT-BLACK: rgba(255, 255, 255, .5);--weui-TAG-BACKGROUND-BLACK: rgba(255, 255, 255, .05)}}@media(prefers-color-scheme:dark){.wx-root:not([data-weui-theme=light]),body:not([data-weui-theme=light]){--discussInput-BG: rgba(255, 255, 255, .03)}}@media(prefers-color-scheme:dark){.wx-root:not([data-weui-theme=light]),body:not([data-weui-theme=light]){--nickName-FG: #959595}}@media(prefers-color-scheme:dark){.wx-root:not([data-weui-theme=light]),body:not([data-weui-theme=light]){--weui-BG-0: #111;--weui-BG-1: #1e1e1e;--weui-BG-2: 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rgba(16, 174, 255, .6);--weui-TAG-BACKGROUND-BLUE: rgba(16, 174, 255, .1);--weui-TAG-TEXT-BLACK: rgba(255, 255, 255, .5);--weui-TAG-BACKGROUND-BLACK: rgba(255, 255, 255, .05)}}@media(prefers-color-scheme:dark){.wx-root:not([data-weui-theme=light]),body:not([data-weui-theme=light]){--appmsgExtra-BG: #121212}}.rich_media_content p{clear:both; min-height:1em}td p{margin:0; padding:0}@media screen and (min-width:1024px){body:not(.pages_skin_pc) :root{--appmsgPageGap: 20px;--appmsgPageBottomGap: 40px}}:root{--articleFontsize: 17px}:root{--sab: env(safe-area-input-bottom)}:root{--wxBorderAvatarRatio: 3}:root{--discussPageGap: 20px}:root{--immersive-safe-bottom: env(safe-area-input-bottom)}:root{--appmsgPageGap: 20px;--appmsgPageBottomGap: 40px}*{margin:0; padding:0}.rich_media_content *{max-width:100%!important; box-sizing:border-box!important;-webkit-box-sizing:border-box!important; word-wrap:break-word!important}

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