Children are willful and clingy, and when they are spoiled and petty, they are often the time when love is most needed.
by Linlin Mom
"Since I gave birth, I haven't been able to eat with my friends!"
Some time ago, Sun Li's studio posted a small video.
In the video, Sun Li is "complaining" to the people around him, etc. it is too sticky: he is eating with friends, and before he can say a few words, he staged a life-killing series of urges-
"Can I come back?"
"What time do you see?" I'm going to sleep! ”
"You can come back!"
As soon as this remark came out, it instantly resonated with mothers.
As long as the mother goes out, the child keeps looking for the mother. When I was at home, I was even more eager for my mother to follow wherever my child went, and I couldn't see it at a glance.
Some people asked: Is the child too clingy, is it because he is not well-behaved, or is the mother too doting?
The answer is actually a little warm, and a little sad.
<h1 class="pgc-h-arrow-right" data-track="371" >01 Why do children always cling to their mothers? </h1>
Freud said, "The first anxiety of a toddler is that he feels that he will lose the person he loves." ”
For children before the age of 3, this stage is also known as the "period of individual separation".
Due to the rapid development of psychology and physiology, they gradually began to realize that they and their mother were not a whole, and that their mother was another person.
This psychological separation will make them feel anxious.
Therefore, children before the age of 3 will alleviate their inner helplessness, contradictions and frustration by clinging to their mothers. This is a very normal phenomenon.
Children over 3 years of age exhibit excessive clingy behavior for more complex reasons.
Not long ago, Fu Seoul and Lao Liu went on a variety show.
In the program, Lao Liu talked about Fu Seoul's childhood, because he wanted to see his mother too much, drank dish soap, and deliberately made himself sick.
Extreme insecurity is a big reason why children are clingy.
There is also a situation that children are very sensible in front of others, only to see their mothers become willful and can't move.
This unique attachment to the mother is often because the mother's status in the child's heart is particularly high.
The American Academy of Pediatrics Parenting Encyclopedia mentions:
"When the mother is away, the family or the babysitter tells you that the child behaves like an angel. Don't be in a hurry to be happy, this may be because children do not trust others, so they dare not test their bottom line. ”
When the child saw his mother, he cried when he had nothing to do.
In the end, it is only because the child's language expression ability is limited, so he uses this awkward way to attract the attention of the mother, and wants to get more attention and love.
<h1 class="pgc-h-arrow-right" data-track="369" >02 What sticky children need most is empathy</h1>
The cousin is usually very busy at work, and when she comes home, she has to be busy cooking, cleaning, and bathing the child, but the busier the child, the more "chaos".
So much so that the cousin always complained about the child: "Why are you so troublesome, and I have never seen other children like you!" ”
Once, my cousin was cooking in the kitchen, and the child said that he would not play by himself, but had to hold his mother's thigh.
As a result, the cousin spilled the oil on the child's arm without hesitation, and a red mark was burned on the spot.
The cousin turned off the fire in a panic, and after seeing that it was all right, she slapped the child's ass twice and was about to push the child outside the kitchen.
At this time, the child did not cry anymore, so he grabbed his mother's pants tightly and did not let go.
After saying this, my cousin's eyes were red.
In fact, children are willful and clingy, and when they are petite, they are often the time when they need love the most.
Behind those seemingly incomprehensible small actions, there is a heart that longs to be noticed, longs to be loved, and all they want is a hug.
At this time, the attitude of parents is very important.
Learning to empathize and accept your child's emotions unconditionally is the best way to do it.
When children are clingy, the first reaction of many parents is not empathy, but anger:
"Why is your child so ignorant?"
"So big and spoiled!"
"Why do you always clamor for your mother?"
This type of parent can neither see the child's emotions, nor agree with the child's needs, but are eager to let the child stop crying immediately.
But in fact, this anger does not solve the problem, but closes the channel for the child to express emotions.
Parents who can empathize will accompany their children through the "sticky period";
Conversely, parents who do not empathize and have no patience will only bring greater harm to their children.
<h1 class="pgc-h-arrow-right" data-track="368" >03 How do we deal with clingy children? </h1>
Clingy, and understand or not understand, and not obedient has nothing to do with whether it is obedient or not.
This is just a way for children to express themselves, and they should not be stopped, let alone blamed and criticized.
In the face of such a child, parents can try to start from these three points:
1. Meet your child's psychological needs through reassurance
A study by the University of North Carolina in the United States showed:
Hugging can effectively eliminate frustration and enhance the efficacy of the body's immune system. Hugs between family members can also strengthen relationships and ease friction.
For children, the gentle reassurance of parents is a direct expression of love.
This seemingly insignificant act has narrowed the distance between the heart, and the child can also confirm the love of the parents and gain a sense of security through this way.
2. A little more ceremonial
Jane Nelson, author of Positive Discipline, said: "Children have strong perception skills, but their ability to interpret is very poor. ”
When children see their favorite parents closing the door and going to work without turning their heads, they will always have various worries in their hearts:
Will Mom and Dad come back?
Do they never want me again?
Does Mom and Dad still love me?
……
These thoughts will drive the child to stay with mom and dad as hard as he can.
If at this time, the child simply and rudely refuses to stick to himself, the child will further interpret it as: Mom and Dad really don't love me.
To this end, parents can have a more sense of ritual in life.
For example, a kiss before going out, and shouting "I'm back" after coming home, can make children more aware of their parents' love for themselves.
3. High-quality companionship
Some time ago I watched a news:
In Shiyan, Hubei Province, a 14-year-old boy called the police to say that his mother had abused himself and forced himself to jump off a building.
After the police learned about the situation, they found that it was because his mother always watched TV and played with mobile phones, and the boy felt that his mother did not care about himself.
In fact, the best education is the companionship of love.
When parents feel big because of their children's clinginess, perhaps the children are also sad because of their parents' perfunctory.
4. Gradually cultivate children's independence
In fact, every child has the will to grow independently.
But sometimes, because the parents are not "fierce" enough, they deprive the child of the ability to be independent.
When the child reaches a certain age, if it is still as clingy as when he was a child, parents must learn to let go and no longer act as a greenhouse for their children.
Only after experiencing the test of severe cold and heat can children grow into towering trees.
<h1 class="pgc-h-arrow-right" data-track="349" >04 summary</h1>
American psychotherapist Bowen pointed out: "The relationship pattern between parents and children affects the child's future relationships. Especially in intimate relationships, people tend to replicate the relationship patterns established in the early family of origin. ”
In the face of children's emotional appeals, if parents can give timely responses and companionship, children will gain enough security.
They tend to be independent and confident and can adapt quickly to different environments.
But if parents just blindly blame their children, label them as "clingy" and "ignorant".
Then the child is likely to become sensitive, suspicious, overly concerned about other people's evaluations, and even get attention through extreme ways.
In fact, many times, sticky people are just a way for children to express their love.
Their world is small, so small that they can only see mom and dad. A kiss, a hug is all that makes up happiness.
So, cherish your child's attachment to you.
After many years, when you think of these "sweet burdens", you will definitely feel that the burden is no longer there, and the sweetness is doubled!