In the last issue of "Goodbye Lover", many people broke their defenses because of the sudden affectionate embrace of Guo Keyu and Zhang He.
This scene is particularly reminiscent of the couple in Love at Sunset and Dusk. They compete in endless arguments, but the glimmer of love will make them freeze their previous suspicions.
BGM AutoPlay:
I'll love you till I die/Deep as sea Wide as sky~
Just like Shen Yifei, a sociologist in the observation group, said, Guo Keyu has always been in a defensive mechanism, and she can get out of the car at the last moment and admit that she still has a heart for her ex-husband, which is a particularly brave move.
Three couples facing marital difficulties were all answered on this trip. But what I didn't expect was that many viewers in front of the screen also had an unexpected gain: after watching other people's divorce stories, they suddenly felt that they were not afraid of marriage.
"Goodbye Lover" can be said to have opened a window that has always been half hidden: as we all know, the divorce rate is getting higher and higher, and it is becoming more and more difficult to get off the list, but no one tells us what is wrong with the emotions of modern people.
Therefore, we interviewed Professor Shen Yifei to try to explore two major problems that young people have been confused for a long time: why we love each other and why we are separated.
#01当我们谈论离婚时, what we're talking about
"It's a particularly tough show to come out." Shen Yifei said. This is a variety show that has not even found a sponsor, and probably the "shooting divorce" thing looks both bloody and sensational, and no one wants to make this bet.
But what everyone did not expect was that this show actually achieved simple truth and attracted widespread attention.
Especially in the last issue, the three couples all revealed the most emotional moments.
Guo Keyu and Zhang He's hug can be called a "reunion scene" of the second kill of industrial saccharin, who would have thought that this was from a couple who have been divorced, awkward and confrontational for ten years?
Tong Chenjie and KK's embrace is the most determined. Although there are two major problems of drinking and children in front of them, after experiencing fluctuating emotions, the choices of the two gradually become clear and agreed upon later.
But Wang Qiuyu did not get off the car in the end, which surprised many people. Shen Yifei also felt very strange at that time, because Wang Qiuyu's original intention on the show was to save this marriage.
But Wang Qiuyu said that he chose divorce because he wanted to understand that Zhu Yaqiong had the right to find the life she wanted, and staying by her side would only become a force restricting her.
This made Shen Yifei very emotional. On this trip, everyone has improved their concepts and can finally talk frankly about divorce, the most secretive thing in the past.
Zhu Yaqiong once shared one of her most memorable experiences, which was afraid that the chairman of the company would know that she was facing a divorce, because he especially admired Wang Qiuyu, and a small part of the reason for hiring Zhu Yaqiong was because she was Wang Qiuyu's wife.
This caused her great uneasiness. She tried to hide it, because she had gained 140 pounds after giving birth, she had no self-confidence, and if she was known that she was no longer "Mrs. Wang", she was worried that she would lose her job.
But when she did confess to her leader, she found that things were far less bad than she thought.
Truth has a lot of power. When Shen Yifei went to Xinjiang, he saw that there were more than 200 people in the entire behind-the-scenes team, everyone had a strong ability to empathize, and many staff members silently wept behind the camera.
This 18-day trip is an experiment in the hearts of three divorced couples, and it is also an experiment for the audience to observe themselves. Although most of the audience of this show is female, Shen Yifei found that many male viewers have also learned to reflect from it, such as learning to send flowers for the first time, or taking the initiative to hug their wives for the first time.
Shen Yifei's husband never watched variety shows in the past, but this time he unexpectedly watched "Goodbye Lover". He said that he saw a lot of commonalities in Lao Wang, for example, Zhu Yaqiong asked Lao Wang to hug for 1 minute, and he felt that it was him who changed it, and maybe pushed away in 10 seconds.
In his conception, a hug is enough, and he doesn't feel how serious the matter is, nor does he feel that it will hurt his partner.
It can be seen that many men do not feel that emotional expression is necessary, and tend to avoid discussing the thorny problems behind marriage. This is also why after the program was broadcast, most of the people who were condemned were the "husbands" inside.
"Men are really lagging behind in today's marriage relationships. People like Wang Qiuyu are actually very good people, but he has not established a new model. In the past, our role was the female protagonist inside the male and female outside, but after socialized large-scale production, women have gone out of the house, and some men still hold the concept of 'I am an authority'. This is also why today's young people especially hate daddy. Shen Yifei said.
#02年轻人, why are you afraid of marriage?
The popularity of "Goodbye Lover" also allows Shen Yifei to have a new understanding of young audiences: she feels that the current young people do not want to enter marriage, but there are many places to be afraid.
They say "unmarried and infertile", but there are many hot searches about emotional problems every day.
Why are young people afraid of marriage? Shen Yifei analyzed that on the one hand, modern life is easy to be kidnapped by film and television dramas and social news, and if you watch more senseless sweet pet dramas, you will be disappointed in reality; and then you are hit by negative news such as domestic violence and wife killing, and you feel that marriage is a slaughterhouse with sharpened knives.
On the other hand, the "old and new scripts" of modern love clash. Shen Yifei said in her "Sociological Love Thinking Lesson" that the old script of love is "marriage is fate, is the default rule of acquaintance society", emphasizing fate, and at the same time individuals must conform to the role; the new script is "marriage is a choice, is the independent life of modern society", but it needs to be operated hard.
In the process of this conflict, if both men and women want to pick the parts that are beneficial to them in the old and new scripts, they will eventually become a double standard of gender.
Therefore, the dilemma of men and women in marriage and love is not the same. Shen Yifei found in the study that women are reluctant to marry because in the past patriarchal model, women took more responsibility for taking care of the family and enjoyed less of the interests of the family, so they did not want to easily enter marriage.
Photo: Married Life
For men, they are more likely to feel that it is too troublesome to fall in love now, because they have to meet the "love model" that women expect.
Wang Qiuyu is an example. Shen Yifei talked to Zhu Yaqiong privately: Lao Wang really thinks that you singing is not good, but in the past 19 years, he has never said it and has always let you sing. He doesn't like it very much, endures it for a long time, but allows you to do it, don't you think this is true love?
But despite this, Wang Qiuyu still ushered in the online volume of spit, because it does not conform to the modern love model: if I sing, you must say that you like, even if it is a false expression.
Therefore, many men simply settle down and find someone who is not so troublesome to be with. This has led to more and more people who can bear loneliness in the current society, and there are fewer people who have the courage to enter a deep relationship.
But if you yearn for true love, this obviously does not work. Shen Yifei said in "Goodbye Lover" that any shallow relationship will experience twists and turns and conflicts when moving towards a deep relationship. "It's like a kind of porcelain called a kiln, it has cracks, but it's still beautiful."
She uses the analogy of a bowl: a bowl must remain as clean as new, you can only use it, once used, it will bump. If you don't want to have a rift, you can also eat without a bowl forever.
Using disposable fast food boxes forever is also a way of life, but if so, we can't enjoy the unique feeling of using bowls. It won't belong to you alone, nor will it form the familiar feel you'll be with for a long time.
#03真实的爱情和婚姻, is it still worth yearning for?
It is true that there are many elements of marital failure, including but not limited to economy, children, mother-in-law relationships, and loyalty, after all, the trifling skin in life is the most grinding.
But in a show, you can't exhaust all the problems. For example, when Shen Yifei did couple research, he found that more than 60% of couples have sexual problems behind them, but this is difficult to talk about, which is the real "elephant in the room" in marriage.
"Intimate relationships go wrong, sexual relationships often go wrong, and the latter in turn exacerbates the problems of intimate relationships, which must be complementary, but everyone will pretend that this thing does not exist."
She understands this limitation, so she doesn't ask for everything in the show. Instead, she feels that the show team's setting to test emotions in a "vacuum" travel environment has another meaning: we put other issues aside and let each other see love or no love more purely.
The same is true of her playing card games for emotional communication with three couples on the show. Games can be virtual, but the feelings are real, and she hopes to sort out the underlying logic of intimacy through half-truths and half-lies.
Therefore, the popularity of the show makes Shen Yifei feel that the current audience is actually of a very high level, and they do not only love to watch dog blood sweet dramas. "Good things are understood by the audience, so when you present a real thing, they have the courage to face it and will analyze it rationally."
Photo/"Goodbye Lover"
In past research, Shen Yifei found that in fact, there are some people in each generation who do not want to get married, but at a certain juncture, they will feel imminent. It used to be before the age of 30, and now it may be before the age of 35.
Of course, in today's society, marriage has long been not a mandatory topic, but choosing it does not mean that it will be wrong. Being single and getting married are just two very different ways of life, there is no good or bad, each has its own advantages.
So why do we still yearn for love and marriage? In Shen Yifei's view, the essence of love is that we are full of curiosity about the world, and then meet a person who makes him feel the power of joy and joy, and finally form a close link.
Marriage is just a formal commitment mechanism for love, that is, "I want to be with you for a long time", which does not conflict with love itself.
There is never a unified solution to love. But in order to try love and alleviate anxiety in today's era, we must first run out of the "mode" in love dramas and open up our imagination of intimate relationships.
"So I've always said that love is a game for the brave. You need to re-establish your curiosity about others, seek empathy, and then appreciate the differences in a long-term relationship and deal with the boundaries between you and me. Shen Yifei said.
In the past, some people always said that true love is like a ghost, and it is passed on by word of mouth, but there are few witnesses. Therefore, it is even less likely that we will see the full picture of marriage on an 18-day short trip, and persuasion or persuasion is unnecessary.
Just like Shen Yifei felt, although Guo Keyu and Zhang He were sweet at the last moment of their choice, they were still the most problematic of the three pairs. "Something sweet doesn't equal love. The problem of their inseparability in the previous decade is not something that can be solved by hard work."
So what is the ideal kind of love? It may be that as described in the movie "The Adelmans", when the heroine meets the male protagonist, she is "like a mosquito attracted by a light bulb, heated to a burning point".
But to meet such a person requires great luck. Real love may be more like what Frederick Buckman wrote in "A Man Named Ovie Decides to Die":
"Falling in love with someone is like moving into a house, and in the beginning you'll fall in love with everything new, revel in every morning of having it, as if afraid that someone will suddenly burst in the door and point out that it's a mistake, that you shouldn't live so well at all.
But over the years the exterior of the house begins to stale, the planks are torn apart, and you will gradually stop loving it because it is supposed to be perfect.
Then you become familiar with all the flaws and flaws. When it's cold, how to avoid the key stuck in the keyhole; which floor is easy to bend when stepping on it; how to open a cabinet door and just don't let it crunch. These are the little secrets that will give you a sense of belonging. ”
END
Produced by 丨 Lifestyle Research Institute
Interview, article 丨 Flower scoop white
Figure 丨 Network
Cover, banner 丨 Birdy
After watching other people's divorce stories on today's topic, what are your new insights on marriage?