A year after the breakup, from two weeks of physiological heartache to basic healing, a self-healing guide is given to everyone who is equally sad.
Guide:
The first step in self-healing, cutting between memories and reality, accepts that people will change.
The biggest self-deception after a breakup is that he still loves you and he will come back.
The harsh truth is that he doesn't love you and he won't come back.
On the ninth day of the breakup, I irrepressibly sent him more than a dozen messages, in a cautious and humble tone. From the afternoon to the evening, the sky darkened a little, and the mobile phone screen was always dark. I held my phone and looked at WeChat once a minute, from joy and anxiety, to fear, and finally only despair. That feeling of waiting still makes my chest ache in retrospect. Finally I hid in the closet, cried for two hours in the middle of the night, and came out of the closet with a strange thought that "he is no longer there." There was no intention of cursing him, just objectively feeling that the person across the phone was no longer my lover.
My he,
Will keep calling back because I missed my call,
Will judge whether I am happy or unhappy by the tone of the word, and then choose to sing to me or tell a story,
Will share with me everything he finds funny,
He is kind to me with his heart and will do a lot of things,
Only it wouldn't be like this, trampling my self-esteem under my feet.
Most of the people who are still in love after the breakup have been treated in the palm of their hands, and those past beauties are enough to earn the tears of the audience. He has also described our weddings, named our future children and dogs, run to England despite the epidemic, shouted at me on the cliff edge of the North Atlantic, and encouraged me to be brave to face life straightball, saying that we will never be separated. These things are true, but the changes are also real. The person you tugged at the hem of your pants and begged but ignored it is no longer the person you remember, you have to know how to cut. And the person in your memory, change is change, gone is gone, is not to come back.
People can't step into the same river twice, and you can't meet the same teenager who loves you twice, and the current situation is equivalent to the fact that he who decided to break up and he who held you in the palm of his hand just happened to have the same body, to give a strange example, like the pig demon and Zhu Fengchun in the eight precepts of the spring shining pig.
He's not him anymore, and it's time for you to go on.
2. The second step of self-healing is to stop self-blame
After accepting the fact of the breakup, I began to review it, and I was overwhelmed by the tide of self-blame.
Psychology has the idea that of all negative emotions, self-blame is the most painful emotion. On every sad night of dying, I was doing meaningless questioning — if I had come a little shorter, if I had cared more about him in those two months, if I had chosen to communicate well that night instead of hanging up the phone, if at the end I had sincerely apologized and promised him that I would correct it... The myriad of possibilities keeps me from breathing.
Remember that crushing the camel is never the last straw, you can reflect, but there is no need to blame yourself for the failure of the relationship. In the first two months, I fell into a low point because of the possibility of not being able to graduate, and I met a foreign black-hearted intermediary and did not dare to move into a high-priced rented house, and on the day of the breakup, I was reluctant to open a sky-high gas price in the cold house for heating, my aunt had a painful attack, and I rolled around in the bed... Thinking about it, my unreasonable teasing that day was not really "unreasonable", and falling in love was not only sweet. In a state where both parties are smooth, they can naturally provide emotional value to each other, and this degree of companionship is related to pleasure and has nothing to do with love. When one partner can no longer provide emotional value, it is time to test love.
Maybe I relied too much on this intimate relationship, sparing no effort when sharing happiness and unreservedly telling pain. However, he did not try to point out the problem head-on to solve the problem, and felt that he was overwhelmed and let go, was he really ashamed? I'm an imperfect lover, but no matter what problems I encounter, I never want to leave. And after weighing the pros and cons, he sentenced me to death for something incredibly solid and sincere in my heart. Everyone's situation may be different, but remember that being in love is two people talking, and when something goes wrong with the intimate relationship, it's not one person's fault.
I have a lot of shortcomings and want to try to correct my mistakes and love him well. But if the other party does not give the opportunity, then do not blame yourself, please take the knowledge of this journey and rush to the next place.
3. The third step of self-healing is to see clearly what love is
What is the essence of love? Opinions have always been on this issue. The last thing that comforted me was Teacher Luo Xiang's interpretation: "What we love is actually the deep defect of our soul."
In my opinion, this kind of deficiency can be divided into two types, one is the "regret of growth" brought by the original family, and the other is the "yearning for growth" brought by knowledge and aesthetics. In my own case, my dad was a very strict person and grew up communicating with me very little. The image of him in my mind is either a silent and serious reading in a sober state, or a drunken drunken saying something that does not know what to do, and there is no warm moment for me to recall. This also led me to fall in love with him who has a gentle temperament, likes to talk and laugh and does not stick to alcohol. The imprint of the original family is very deep, and it will unconsciously affect many of our major life choices. And when you really understand your yearning, you will find that what attracts you is a certain quality of his, and this quality is not unique to a person. He's not the only one in the universe, you love him and will fall in love with other people in the future.
"The yearning for growth" is easier to understand, the other party is actually the person you want to be, is your expectation of your future. My ex's ability to control emotions, analyze and express, think deeply, and make money is often admired by me, and even now I still think he is a charismatic boy. But these are abilities that I appreciate, and I can have. It's easy to watch other people's excellence, but it's much harder to exercise yourself. Especially when in intimate relationships, it is easier for us to see each other's excellence as a part of ourselves. But someone else's is always someone else's, and we can't take it with us. After breaking up with me, he was still the smart and decisive, strong action leader, and I was still weak.
In short, what kind of person you admire, try to become that kind of person, this is the basis of your happiness. When you can live a wonderful and powerful life without relying on anyone, true happiness will come.
4. In the final chapter of self-healing, except for personal growth, all others are false propositions
When an intimate relationship breaks down, it's easy to get lost, as if suddenly becoming an island. I used to be so serious about putting him in my future, and when he left, my future seemed to fall with it. But the earth is still spinning, the sun is still rising, the heart is still beating, and your life is still going on. God did not arrange this experience to tell you, "You missed this life to love the unlucky ghost, you eat shi," but to let you learn something, overcome some of your human weaknesses, and gain a lasting ability to make yourself happy. We come into this world, the ultimate goal is personal growth, to be able to give ourselves a stable sense of happiness, other experiences are means.
Have you seriously considered your life goals?
How do you define "good" and "meaningful"?
How much effort have you put into what you want to reap?
Haven't you wasted every day, or have you wasted a lot of time?
……
When I began to answer these questions seriously, the confusion and uneasiness gradually disappeared.
When we are in an intimate relationship, the sweetness of love can easily mask the nothingness and pain of life. And after the intimacy breaks down, these important problems will surface. A person who has the ability to manage his own life well can have the ability to manage a long-term and stable intimate relationship, otherwise he will only make it difficult for himself and the other party to breathe in the cramped space. If you don't grow up, even if you don't break up because of a phone call, you may break up because of a gift, an offer from the opposite sex; even if you are married, you may be divorced. Friends advised me that the good thing was that breaking up was not divorce. Yeah, it's good to just break up and be brave enough to grow up when the price tag for growth isn't that expensive.
Finally, share some wisdom from my friends: "I have recently experienced one thing, but everything related to people's interactions, whether it is in love or business, being a lawyer, doing public relations, there is absolutely no one-time thing, in these aspects to achieve real happiness and achievements, relying on experience, and the only way to get experience is to fail more experience, good experience and smooth sailing will not give you any useful experience, you may wish to think, before the breakup, your relationship is really perfect, Do you feel happy and fearless every day because of the relationship, in fact, in my opinion, your relationship is just an outlet for you to escape from the status quo, so what you are sad about now is not really because of the breakup, just the breakup, the real anxiety in your life (academic, future) exposed, so you feel difficult to accept, but you think, you are now reunited with your boyfriend, the problem in front of you will still not change. So you should feel angry, try to force yourself to do things, including writing papers, studying, in fact, you only need to force yourself ten minutes a day, after entering the state will naturally be fine, when you figure out that your real problem is not whether the relationship exists, but after your own things are a mess, doing things is your only choice."
Others come and go, and getting along with yourself is the only compulsory course in life. People will always suffer because of all kinds of things, and these pains will not let you bear in vain. Accumulating some experience, seeing some truths, and becoming a stronger person is the meaning of suffering.
Play against life straight balls, and tomorrow we will all be happier because of what is happening now.
Life sea sea,
He may or may never come back;
But that's okay.
It really doesn't matter.