Written to Daddy in Heaven
Zhang Jingkai
Are you doing well over there? In the blink of an eye, you've been gone for almost three years, and the past is still fresh in your mind. Whenever I think of you at night, the scenes come to mind like yesterday, and it will be difficult to sleep for a long time. I often see you in dreams, and you look exactly the same as before, so that sometimes I can't tell the difference between reality and dreams, and only when I wake up do I understand that everything is just a big dream. If you want to keep the dream you can't keep, there is always a feeling of powerlessness. I think I often dream that you are my thoughts of you, and even more so, what you expect from me, right? Because in your eyes, I will always be an ignorant child.
The first memories you left me came from that little house in Xihe County, and then I went to the glass factory. During that time, until I think about it now, I feel that it is particularly precious. There, you taught me to play table tennis and taught me to practice calligraphy at the table every day. You and I squatted on the ping-pong table together until Mom's meal was cooked and called a few times before coming down. There's a railway in front of the door, and you'll always take me after dinner to watch the green-skinned train pass by. Later, you took me to the precision watch factory, where I was in the first grade, and the only year I went to school in the city, the small second floor, carrying a lot of laughter. You taught me to play checkers, every time I finished my homework, I always pulled you along, you let me win a few times every time, and then you waved my hand and said I wouldn't play. However, the first grade homework is also the most homework in my primary school, not because the teacher assigned a lot of homework, but because you will always buy me a lot of information books, there are backs, there are writings, at that time I will always finish the homework until eleven or twelve o'clock, but it is because of the first grade you gave me the homework to lay a good foundation for me, saving a lot of time in the later learning process, because at that time you always told me to fly stupid birds first, so in the first grade, I learned the second grade course. Memorized a lot of ancient poems. Later, you went to Nagado for work reasons, and I also returned to Yangjia Temple. We became less and more distant, but when you came back you would always test me to see if I was lazy in my studies, and then you would show me off in front of my relatives. That was also the happiest time of my year, and when you praised me, it was as if I saw the light in your eyes.
I still vaguely remember that when I was young, many people always asked me whether I loved my father more or my mother more, and I would always say I loved my father when I thought about it for a while. In fact, I still can't say what it feels like, but it may be the reason why I see you so many times. Later, when I went to junior high school, my academic performance was barely OK, and you also took me to your work place during my winter and summer vacations to see me write my homework, so my winter and summer vacation homework was done early, and I still had time to prepare for the next semester's courses. There, you will also let me load and unload goods with you, running around with boxes of goods, and let me know that it is not easy to make money. At that time, your health was not good, but you still did not go to the hospital for more effective treatment, just with some hypoglycemic drugs and taboos in daily life to control the disease, and then heard your mother said that you always said that hospitalization will cost a lot of money, can save a little is a little, just like this, the disease is also more and more serious without knowing it.
Later, you also retired to Tianshui due to physical illness, and the days I spent with you gradually increased. You still don't smile as much as you used to, only occasionally have something particularly happy to laugh at. My academic performance was also very unsatisfactory, I moved to the back of the school in my junior year of high school, rented a house, and when you ate, you came down to have a meal, and after eating you went home. Walk from the rented house to the house, and occasionally when your mother comes back to the country you will come over and cook. The food you cook is no match for what your mother makes. During the years you stayed in Tianshui, you gradually fell in love with writing again, often writing poetry and occasionally seeing your articles in some publications. You always write the most sincere feelings in the most simple words, I have seen an article you wrote about your grandmother, and when I read it, I felt the same feeling, and the scenes you wrote slowly appeared in front of my eyes. You also often go out with some friends to exchange some experience in writing articles, and slowly, the smile on your face increases. Later, the birth of the little grandson made your spirit have sustenance, you gave him a nickname "bully egg", holding the little grandson every day, and the neighbor later said that every time he saw you, he held the little grandson in his hand. However, in the year before you left, due to physical reasons, every time you come back from shopping, your grandson will tell your mother that you are very tired and need to rest. But as long as the bully is crying, you will always take him out for a walk. You also taught me a lot of ancient poems and Chinese characters like me when you were a child, and listened to the "uncle" in the mouth of the bully egg every day, and you were happy to blossom.
In the past few years in Tianshui, accompanied me to participate in the college entrance examination twice, with you by my side, I seem to have taken a reassuring pill, in the examination room can also answer the question with peace of mind, after each exam you will alleviate my anxiety, let me not have pressure, remember the afternoon after the first year of the English exam, the sun was shining to a little dazzling, I ran home to tell you and your mother that the exam is no worse, will not go to re-study, but when the results came out of the moment I regretted it, watching the classmates around me admitted to a good university and want to repeat. At that time, everyone else in the family was against it, and you just said to me, I grew up, and when it came time to make choices for myself, you couldn't help you learn this kind of thing, you could only support me behind my back. Just look up at your eyes, as if the light in your eyes has dimmed.
So I went to the repeat school, in that year, we had very little contact between us, and I didn't know how bad your physical condition was, once I came home because of something, I saw you come back in a hospital gown, and my mother said that you were not in good health, you were hospitalized in the hospital, and you ran out secretly, and also said about your condition. But at that time, I didn't know anything about your illness, watched you talk and laughed during the meal, and laughed very happily, thinking that it was just a small illness. Because I was still in class, I hurried back to school after finishing my work, but I didn't expect that your condition was already so serious at that time. When you were in school, you and your mother came to Lanzhou because of something, came to see me once, and when you were sent away, you told me to take care of myself, don't have pressure in my heart, don't worry about home, study hard, and strive to prove myself. Looking at the few strands of white hair mixed in your black hair, it is really not a taste in your heart.
When it came to the second year of the college entrance examination, it was the examination room that you accompanied me to, that time the examination room was in my high school school, and after the math test, you asked me how I was doing, I could only tell you with shame that you were not very ideal, you just smiled lightly, said that you read for another year, how can it be better than last year, the next exam do not have pressure, play well, it is definitely better than last year. In the end, after all the subjects were taken, you asked me how I was doing, in fact, I didn't have the answer at that time, but I felt very general, you smiled after listening to it, and didn't say anything. Later, on the day of the college entrance examination results, I ate lunch early, maybe I couldn't bear to see your disappointed eyes again, I left home with a nervous heart, sat on the bus and didn't know where to go, and then I got off at a station casually, came to the river, felt the warm sunshine sprinkled on the body, looked at the slowly flowing river, the heart also slowly calmed down, plucked up the courage to dial the score check phone, and finally heard the score on the phone, I didn't expect there would be such a big surprise. All the stress, all the unhappiness, was finally released at that moment, and I immediately called you to tell you the news, and you could hear from the phone that you were smiling happily. When I came home, I saw you sitting on the balcony blushing with joy, the kind of happiness I had never seen before, and you praised me for doing well in the exam, saying that I had really put a lot of effort into a year, and at that moment, I saw the light in your eyes again.
Later, you accompanied me to fill in volunteers, volunteers, when I looked at the college, you also lent me my cousin's computer, and I looked at the schools together, and when I finally submitted my volunteers, you saw that when I filled in the colleges and universities that were all schools outside the province, you said to report a school in the province, and it was convenient to go home close to home, so in the end I still reported to a school in the province. After filling out the volunteer, you took me to Jodoji Temple, the sky was very blue that day, the wind was very light, you asked me to take more photos for you, and said that I didn't look good. When I took a picture of you, I suddenly found that there were countless silver wires climbing up your sideburns, and my back was not as straight as before, and suddenly my nose was sore, it turned out that my father was inadvertently no longer young, and my heart was suddenly very uncomfortable, and I felt that I had too little time to care about you.
Since the results came out, your smile has increased day by day, and then your sister came to the city with the bully egg, you said to eat a good meal together, and said to go to the place I wanted to eat, and finally went to a hot pot restaurant, which was the first time our family ate hot pot together, and I didn't expect that it was the last time the whole family sat together to eat, and you were very happy to see it. Soon after, I went to Lanzhou to see me, and I remember that on the day you left, you smiled and told me to eat more peanuts, so that every time I see peanuts in the canteen, I always think of you. When I received a phone call from my mother at nearly eleven o'clock that night, when I heard my mother tearing her heart and lungs and crying, I suddenly felt a "bang" in my head, and I knew that it was the sound of the sky falling. You left, walking so caught off guard, everyone did not want to believe this bad news, but had to accept this cruel reality, although from childhood to adulthood has experienced the departure of some people around me, occasionally there will be a lot of emotion, but your departure, still let me for a long time can not come out, in that half a year, sometimes from the dream to wake up, everything in the dream is so true, as if you are still around me and did not leave. And I lost not just a father, but a mentor.
Because of the reason why you worship the Buddha, when you are alive, you will always say that the encounter between people is a kind of "fate", leaving is the fate is over, and occasionally talking about life and death, it is also a light breeze. After you left, many relatives and friends were relieved to say that you had already looked down on life and death, and you would definitely have a good place, but I still felt that you were full of nostalgia for the world, reluctant to your relatives, reluctant to have the same hobbies as you, reluctant to your relatives, and even more reluctant to hold your little grandson from childhood to adulthood. But no matter how much you don't give up, you have gone to another world, just as you said "fate is over", I keep telling myself that you have gone to another world, a world without disease and trouble. It has been almost three years since you left, and the traces left in this world have gradually faded, but some things, no matter how many years you have experienced, will not dissipate, and the memories you have left behind, as well as the articles you have written, will accompany me through this road of life. Although I have written some words, I still feel that words can never finish my feelings for you, maybe this is the difference between saying it and writing it. Finally, I wish Dad all the best over there.
Your son: Jing Kai
END
About the Author:
Zhang Jingkai, a native of Qinzhou, Tianshui.