Youth is not | repressed youth

Text/Chen Guosheng

I was exactly twenty years old when I started working. He graduated from the Provincial Building Materials Technical School (Zhuzhou) and was assigned to the cement factory, which was eight or nine years.

Maybe it is the fate of nature, maybe it is the reason of personality, anyway, as soon as I enter the cement factory, my life trajectory will be unchanged, and the rigid life and work mode have not made me happy, comfortable, comfortable. In addition to the occasional brief vanity brought to him by the love of literature, it can basically be said that the whole good years of youth were spent in distress, sorrow, depression, and anger. So much so that my early life was overshadowed by a bitter and lost, gloomy and irritable shadow. In a long period of time, it has left a gray tone on the future direction of life, and it has not been erased from the heart for a long time...

I was born into a peasant family in a large courtyard called Yi JiaChong in Shonan Province, and the whole yard is basically surnamed Chen. There are seven people in our family, including an elderly and healthy grandmother, a father who works in the coal mine, a mother who has been a farmer all her life, and then my four sisters, brothers, sisters and brothers. A large family, crammed into an earthen brick house with only three rooms in two trenches, lived a plain and poor, poor and fulfilling life.

My personality as a child wasn't very talkative. I don't know why. Maybe that's by nature? More isolated. When it comes to school age, others have a lot of friends, and they have a lot of fun together. I was often alone and sullen, watching my classmates go crazy, playing, and jumping, without having the courage to join in. This kind of natural stubbornness and loneliness, for a long time, naturally lacks one after another peers who want to associate, but are afraid to interact with me. Because many words are reluctant to be spoken, many games do not want to participate, so they can not find happiness, and have not been associated with happiness. However, my intelligence is no worse than that of my peers, or even worse. This is reflected in academic performance. My receptivity is in the upper middle. It is precisely this "level" that surprises the school teachers and the adults in the courtyard. A lot of people talk behind their backs or joke in person: I can't see it! A stuffy star reading ok! Hearing such and such an evaluation, I don't know whether to cry or laugh. However, as a young child, I could still hear that there were more praises than demeans, and I should be happy. My heart is filled with joy. Secretly: I'm not worse than others!

When I reached the age of junior high school, I was successfully admitted to junior high school. There's a little episode here. When I received the notice, many people in the courtyard were spreading the word that I had run into and almost couldn't get in. The reason is that the test score is just one or two points above the score line. Lucky, right?

After being admitted to junior high school, my courage was still not very big. And often appears shy and shy. The junior high school is located next to the yard, just across a country road. Originally a three-year junior high school, I studied for five years for various reasons. Two junior two, two junior thirds. In the year of the second year of junior high school, I really didn't want to read it, I didn't think it was interesting, I couldn't see any hope, and I was ready to play red bricks at home. Because at that time, many people in the village were playing red bricks to sell money. I think that instead of reading and not being able to keep up, it is better to help the family and try to reduce some of the burden. Hearing that I did not want to read again, my mother was very angry and repeatedly advised me, saying that I was still young and did not study. It's hard to hit the red bricks, and you can't eat it. Fist and fist mother love, overflowing with words. Comforted by my illiterate mother, I once again stepped through the school. In this way, I spent five years in junior high school and finally was admitted to QiDong No. 3 Middle School. It was also at this time that fate threw another "olive branch" to me at the same time, and the coal mine where my father was located could enjoy the national policy of moving home one by one. Therefore, as soon as the junior high school graduation examination was completed that year, my father immediately returned from the coal mine and specially informed me of the good news that the children of the family could apply for the technical school. In this way, with his own good results, he was admitted to the provincial building materials technical school, which also added a glory to his family and ancestors. Because in my hometown thirty years ago, it was rare to be able to enter two schools at the same time. So much so that this move was a sensation in the hometown and coal mines, and it was rumored to be a beautiful talk.

When I joined the work, I thought I could breathe a sigh of relief and be able to enjoy the blessings. Who knows that from the moment he entered the factory, he was doomed to the fate of this life and the prospects were not good. After two months of work in the cement factory, I received my first monthly salary: 190 yuan. The heart is full of joy, ready to honor the parents. So he took 40 yuan (worth in the 1980s), stored the remaining 150 yuan in a suitcase, and went home happily. When I returned to the factory, I was dumbfounded! The suitcase was pried, and the 150 yuan of hard-earned money disappeared. You know, the money at that time was very valuable! I wanted to cry without tears, and I was extremely angry. The case was immediately reported to the Factory Security Section, but in the end it was not resolved. Count me out of luck! That's all there is to it.

In the following ten years, I encountered several major misfortunes in succession. Working in the workshop, the director of a certain workshop always couldn't get along with me, and retaliated against me openly and secretly. Because of his love of literature, he likes to take books to the duty room to read, and for a long time, the whole class and the whole workshop know. The director of the natural workshop was not happy, and often threatened me with reading or being late, ordering me to write a review or a fine. One of the important secrets was that at that time, there was a factory newspaper in the factory, and I often published articles in the newspaper. I just don't want to write a workshop report. The director also saw it, but it was not easy to say. You don't respect your subordinates, do I still want to lean on your boss's cold ass with a hot face?! Hell yes! My stubborn temper has always been grumpy. As a result, my future was bleak and greatly discounted. The factory newspaper mentioned my name three times, and the recruiting reporter asked me. Need to be identified by the workshop director, signed and released. As we all know, the factory newspaper does not want to enter. Many years later, a friend learned the truth from the mouth of the person in the mission department and told me that I realized it. The evil of the human heart is fiercer than the tiger! Stumbling all the way down, the natural mood is getting worse and worse, and youth has knocked me down, so painful and uncomfortable!

I don't have the ability to reach the heavens, and I can't please and sell. I am just pure in nature, not good at making friends with the powerful, and I naturally understand the likes and dislikes in my heart. There are all indications that it is difficult to control the path of the future at a young age. If no one guides, it will not be clever, and it is bound to go the wrong way. Fortunately, I have books as companions, so that although my youth has more "haze" and unhappiness, ups and downs and tribulations, after all, the power of knowledge has never been able to make me give up the motivation to move forward. This must be stated.

Repressed youth, after all, "suppress" the yearning and momentum in the heart!

About author:Chen Guosheng, a native of Qiyang, Hunan. Screen name: Xiao Xiang singing, singing auspicious. He is a member of Yongzhou Writers Association and a member of Hunan Poetry Society. He has published a large number of poems, essays, lyrics and novels on newspapers and stations such as Reading and Writing Monthly, Yongzhou Daily, Loudi Evening News, Yongzhou Literature and Art, Literary Appreciation, Dictionary, Song, Ethnic Music, Chinese Lyrics, Shanghai Lyricist, Youth Song, Taiwan Good Newspaper, Central People's Radio Economic Voice, as well as China Writers Network, China Poetry Network, Guizhou Writers Network, Jiangshan Literature Network, Songwriting Network, Red Network and other online platforms. He has won the first, second and third prizes and excellence awards of national (international) competitions more than 10 times. In addition, his works have been selected into seven anthologies, such as "Selected Poems of Chinese Powerful Poets", "Selected Works of Talents in the Golden Years", and "Century Poetry Classics and Collection of Excellent Chinese Poetry". More than 60 lyrics have been composed.

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