The words of parents can make a child and destroy a child.
Give your child more positive encouragement and praise, believing that your child will get better.
Author | Oops Mom
How many people, like me, have been poked by the scene of "The World of Man":
Late at night, Zhou Bingkun, the third son of the Zhou family, and zhou Zhigang, the father of the Zhou family, were nagging as usual.
As we chatted, my father suddenly got up and turned on the light, pointing at him and questioning him:
Why not write to yourself, never contact yourself, and say that you are snobbish in front of others.
In the face of this sudden accusation, Zhou Bingkun remembered that for so many years, his father always liked to count himself and hit his past, and the grievances that had been suppressed in his heart suddenly broke out:
"They were all born by one father and one mother, and they were all raised by one father and one mother, so I didn't show up."
Why wouldn't he want to connect with his father?
But from childhood to adulthood, my father always compared himself with two excellent big brothers and sisters, mocking him as "the first place in the penultimate exam".
Wronged outside, his father not only did not comfort him, but also liked to sprinkle salt on the wound, and cut wherever it hurt.
Ignoring the pain and inferiority of his long-term blows and humiliations, he spoke ill of him under his father's authority.
After so many years, he started a family and was finally able to take care of his family alone.
But his father's depreciation was always like a thorn, stuck in his heart to make him uncomfortable and difficult to let go.
This plot, which was interpreted by Lei Jiayin into three points, caused great resonance among the audience.
Many people have been victims of parental sneers and debasement.
Perhaps in the eyes of parents, what they have said, the attack on their children's language, is just a casual remark, not the original intention.
But children who live in the shadows are very likely to spend a lifetime trying to find ways to repair themselves.
The fastest way to ruin a child
It's to belittle him
The American psychologist James Dubson once pointed out to the point:
"There are thousands of ways to make children lose their self-esteem, but rebuilding self-esteem for children is a slow and difficult process."
Children who live in the shadow of parental denial, hitting, and belittling can hardly lift their heads confidently.
In the program "It's Hard to Say I Want to Hear", there is an entrepreneur named Tang Xiangwei.
Since he was a child, his mother liked to hit him, and he was always said to be poor. I feel that what he does is not as good as his own plan.
Knowing that he wanted to start a business, his mother acted in disbelief, determined that he was incompetent and could not do anything in society.
He always wanted to prove himself to his mother, but what he got was still full of sarcasm and sarcasm.
The frustration of this boy's raising his hand and throwing his hands and feet was really sad to watch.
In front of his mother, no matter how mature and stable he appeared, as long as he heard a word of denial, his inferiority and vulnerability were revealed.
I remembered the son of actor Li Chengru, Li Dahai, who was looked down upon by his father for a long time and was insulted as "bullshit is not".
In order to please his father, he was always cautious and did not dare to easily rebel.
In order to get a word of appreciation from his father, he tried everything, singing, writing, directing, snooker.
But even if he tried his best, in exchange for his father's doubts about his "lack of professionalism".
Today, 36-year-old Li Dahai is still waiting for a simple approval and praise from his father.
Whether it is Tang Xiangwei or Li Dahai, growing up all the way, the biggest expectation in their hearts is that their parents will nod their efforts and efforts.
Some people say that the quickest way to ruin a child is to keep belittling him.
The ridicule and blows of parents will little by little disintegrate the child's confidence in himself. What remains is a sense of inferiority and insecurity that is difficult to make up for all your life.
A teacher held a parent-teacher meeting and asked parents and children to write down their words and deeds that made each other most sad.
All children's answers, surprisingly consistent:
"With your stupid look, what can you do?"
"If you cry again, I'll kill you!"
"Why don't you die?"
"You're a piece of crap, pig brain, elm head!"
"What evil did I do in my last life, and gave birth to such a crap as you!"
Many parents may not remember saying these hurtful things.
But these demeaning words have become a sharp blade that pierces into the child's heart, stabbing the child to the skin, leaving only a bloody black hole.
Children who have been degraded for a long time
A lifelong search for healing
In a small talk, a friend shared the reason why he was reluctant to return to his hometown for the New Year.
Since she was a child, her parents have placed high expectations and requirements on her as the eldest in the family.
Many younger siblings have done things that are not wrong, and they are all problems for her:
When eating, if she did not wait for others to move her chopsticks first, she would be criticized for "no etiquette, waiting for her younger brothers and sisters to eat first";
Shopping for clothes, the style selected is not in line with the parents' wishes, will only be ridiculed "other children have such a good vision, how can you be so dirty";
Guests from home, as long as her greeting movements are slower, must be scolded "all day like a snail slowly, let others wait for you."
I thought that if I was admitted to the 985 in the province, my parents could be more tolerant of her and blame her less.
Who knows, every time I go home on vacation, I am either disliked by my mother as "people who read so many books but are not smooth at all", or I am satirized by my father: "When I wanted you to choose a profitable major, you chose the worst Chinese department".
No matter what she did, the good things never got a word of affirmation; the bad things became the handle of her parents' ridicule of her.
For 30 years, the pickiness and humiliation of her parents once made her doubt whether she was a child picked up outside.
A strong sense of lack of love has blocked the relationship between her and her parents.
So as soon as the holiday came, she sent a message to tell her family that she was "busy at work and couldn't go back", avoiding the communication and communication of her parents.
After listening to her sharing, I couldn't help but think of a sentence from cartoonist Jimmy:
"A child would rather be stabbed by a cactus than hear an adult sneer at him."
The wounds on the body can still be healed, but the blows of the parents run through the years and are forever fixed in the child's life.
A netizen said that she was in her thirties, but she still couldn't forget the sad and indignant mood when her parents frantically insulted her when she was a child.
"Their vicious looks, and the downpours of crazy cursing, always come to my mind. My heart has been dead ever since. ”
Children can't understand why parents who say they love themselves always have to educate themselves in a degrading way and motivate themselves to progress and grow.
In his feelings, he is useless, very bad, and unworthy of the love of his parents.
His parents' disgust, disgust, and rejection of him not only made him lack the strength to stand up and be close to his parents.
And in order to protect himself, he can only put away his vulnerability and turn into a hedgehog to fight against his parents.
Parents who know how to stand up
It is the biggest confidence for children to grow
Dr. Jane Nelson once utters this soul torture in her book:
"Where on earth do we get the absurd idea that if we want to make a child better, we should first make him feel worse?"
True love is never transmitted by sarcasm and hurting children's feelings.
Only positive affirmation, recognition and encouragement are the driving force and confidence for children to grow into talents throughout their lives.
In the program "Children Walk a Thousand Miles", He Jiong interviewed the mental journey of the children who were "raised" by their parents on the spot.
One girl said that when she was a child, she was very procrastinating, and her mother rewarded her with a points-based trick.
When she does well in the exam or helps with housework, her mother will reward her with points, and when she accumulates a certain number of points, she can achieve a small wish.
Gradually, she became more active in doing things.
Not only did she benefit herself, but even the rest of the family was infected by her and became energetic and hardworking.
Psychological research has shown that if parents can give their children a little more positive feedback in their lives, children will be confident, optimistic and positive.
James Doberlin, Ph.D., of the University of California, also proposed a "reinforcement rule":
"Children who are encouraged by the applause of their parents will breed a kind of inner strength and integrate this power into the bones and blood, and when they encounter difficulties, they can confidently say to themselves:
I'm the best, I can! ”
Parents do not skimp on their applause, and children can burst out with huge growth energy.
Recently, Gu Ailing became popular overnight, and the most amazing thing was her mother's education.
As a girl, she wants to join the freestyle ski team led by male athletes, which is difficult.
But when her mother learned of her thoughts, she did not suppress or ridicule her, but affirmed that she had the courage to challenge herself.
During the training, she made a mistake and did not finish successfully.
Mom appeared in front of her with a smile on her face, hugged her, and cheered her on:
"Especially proud of you! You've done a great job! ”
No matter how Gu Ailing performed, her mother always did not forget to praise her "awesome" and affirmed from the bottom of her heart everything she did.
The education of Gu Ailing's mother reveals the power of "education on the spot".
It is the care and appreciation in her mother's words, and the support and understanding in behavior that brings Gu Ailing a great sense of value and happiness, and creates her "all-round genius".
Children raised by "belittling education" and "holding education" have a completely different life.
The former has lived a lifetime of self-doubt, always looking for the value and meaning of life, sensitive, inferior and cowardly;
The latter, however, breaks his boundaries little by little, believing that he is omnipotent and living with unlimited confidence and energy.
Psychological counselor Wu Zhihong said: "The essential need of life is the desire to be seen. ”
Every child has its own shining point.
What parents should not focus on is his shortcomings, but his strengths, those places that can best achieve children.
Give the child more warm love, let the child feel "I am good, I am the best";
Give him more affirmation and encouragement that nourishes life, so that he can walk forward with confidence and determination.
I believe that the applause of parents will surely become the greatest glory of children.
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