The following is from the Confucius Institute, author Song Lilin
In 1943, the American psychologist Maslow proposed the famous "hierarchy of needs theory", he divided human needs into five levels, from low to high, namely, survival needs, security needs, communication needs, respect needs, and self-actualization needs. This is common to human beings in ancient and modern China and abroad. Each of us needs emotional solace, fear of loneliness and isolation. In order to satisfy emotional communication, people need to communicate and also construct relationships. Chinese has always attached importance to "relationships", which include basic ethical relations such as blood, geography, and affection, as well as contractual relations and political relations. How to better handle these relationships has become one of the issues that people have been very concerned about throughout the ages.
Ethical standard, liturgical life: Chinese's way of life
Different cultures give birth to different forms of life. Chinese culture is a form of lilly culture, so the life style of Chinese also has distinct liturgical characteristics. This kind of liturgical life is not only reflected in family and social life, but also permeates political life. Chinese life of liturgy is, in the final analysis, an ethical life. After comparing Chinese and Western societies, Mr. Liang Shuming concluded: "The Western Ocean began to overshadow the life of the group and conceal the ethical friendship; then it exalted the individual against the group and formed an individual-oriented society; so their lives, whether in the legal system or in terms of etiquette, were everywhere shaped by their own localism, and everything proceeded from the concept of rights." The opposite of a Chinese society with developed ethical relations is the opposite. Human beings are predominantly emotionally oriented to each other, so ethical relations value each other; a person does not seem to exist for himself, but as if he exists for others. This kind of society can be called an ethical society. "What is ethics? In Mr. Liang's concept, "The affection of our people is intimate and related, so that all people who are related to each other are as they are deep and shallow, and they naturally have their feelings." Righteousness by circumstance. The father's righteousness should be kind, the son's righteousness should be filial piety, the brother's righteous friend, and the brother's righteousness should be respectful. Couples, friends, and even all those who are with each other naturally have their own righteousness. The ethical relationship is the relationship of friendship, that is, the relationship of obligation between them."
In China, everyone is born in a human relationship. The ethical relationship in ancient China mainly includes five kinds of father and son, husband and wife, brother, monarch and friend, which is called wulun. The modern philosopher Mr. He Lin concluded: "The idea of Wulun is one of the most powerful traditional ideas that has dominated the moral life of our Chinese for thousands of years. It is the core of our liturgical religion, and it is the discipline of the group that sustains the Chinese nation. "Lun has the meaning of generation, class, order, and order. Ethics refers to the proper and reasonable norms between these major interpersonal relationships. Confucianism advocates that people are in the midst of the five luns, have different ethical roles, and have different responsibilities and obligations, such as "father and son have relatives, husband and wife are different, elders and children are orderly, kings and subjects are righteous, friends have faith", and so on. Of course, in addition to these basic ethical relations, there will be more involved, such as the "Six Ages" mentioned in the "White Tiger Pass": "fathers, brothers, clansmen, uncles, teachers, friends", in fact, to expand, it involves clan relatives, neighborhood party, teachers and classmates, subordinates of the chief, business partners, and so on. How are these relationships handled? Confucianism advocates the use of rituals (etiquette, etiquette) to reconcile these ethical relationships.
Etiquette and reciprocity, inferiority and respect for others: the Chinese's rules of communication
The "Li Ji Qu Li Shang" records: "Taishang Guide, followed by shi shi retribution." Pay somebody back in the same coin. Coming and going, not being polite, coming and going, not being polite. "Because interpersonal communication is mutual and reciprocal, from the perspective of etiquette, etiquette and exchange are in line with the requirements of etiquette, and from the perspective of practical effects, etiquette exchanges can also produce huge emotional returns." This principle of "courtesy exchange" is mainly practiced between guests of the same or similar identities.
In the ancient five rites (auspicious, fierce, military, bin, jia), the bin ceremony was mainly in terms of the exchanges between nobles, including the dynasty, hiring, alliance, meeting, tong, encounter, haj, ask, see, oath, xi life and so on. The etiquette between these heavenly sons, princes, and secretaries of state is very cumbersome, and has political significance, which is a diplomatic activity, and if it is disrespectful, it often loses the image of oneself and even one's own country. Therefore, the ancient nobles attached great importance to the study and training of these rituals. During the Spring and Autumn Period, there was a ruling master in the State of Lu, Meng Zizi, who accompanied Lu Zhaogong on a visit to the Chu State, and was ridiculed by people for not being able to handle diplomatic affairs with etiquette, Meng Zizi was deeply ashamed, so he worked hard to learn the Zhou Li, and when he was dying, he still remembered to instruct his two sons to follow Confucius to learn the ceremony.
In folk daily life, special attention is also paid to the etiquette of guests. The "Rites of Rites" has a special article on the etiquette of entering the army to meet the soldiers with similar positions for the first time and the miscellaneous rituals of exchanges between nobles. The meeting etiquette of these scholars has a greater impact on the etiquette of folk exchanges. In traditional society, due to the inconvenience of communication, it is impossible to make an appointment in advance, and it is generally a door-to-door visit. According to the weekly ritual, guests are required to bring a specific gift, called "贽", when they visit for the first time. In general, the monks visit each other with pheasants (pheasants) as their bribes; if they visit each other, they will hold geese as bribes. Later generations evolved into various forms of greeting gifts. The host should smile and accept the greeting after repeated resignation. After the guest leaves, the host must send the gift back as a return visit, otherwise it will be rude. This is the etiquette of the first meeting of the guest of honor. Although this stylized courtesy may not be fully accepted in later generations, the spirit of mutual humility and mutual respect embodied in it has been passed on in later guest ceremonies. Shandong, where the author is located, is known as "the hometown of Confucius and Meng, hospitality Shandong", which is well known to all friends who have been to Shandong. The hospitality of Shandong people, in fact, behind the ceremony contains the host's enthusiasm, respect and respect for the guests, not the kind of "compulsion" that seems on the surface.
Among relatives and friends who are more familiar, guest etiquette is much simpler, but some of them must be paid attention to. As the "Disciple Rules" say, "Will get started, ask who exists, will go to the church, the voice will be raised, people ask who, to name, I and I, are not clear", to this day, although the form of residence and lifestyle have undergone tremendous changes, the rules of communication embodied in it are still enlightening.
In addition to the gifts of guests, the gifts of feasts and drinks are also very important. Many people are very familiar with the poem "Shijing Xiaoya Luming":
Yo yo deer singing, eating wild apples. I have guests, drummers and trumpeters. ...... Drums and drums, harmony and cham. I have a will wine, with the heart of a Yanle guest.
When we chant this poem, a picture of the harmony between the guests and the guests appears: the music above the hall is full of ears, and in the melodious music, the guests and the host are intertwined, and the wine is spoken. Feasting and drinking have been an important way to communicate emotions in China since ancient times.
In the "Ritual Ceremony", there are "Township Drinking Ceremony", "Yan Ceremony", "Public Food Doctor Ceremony" and other articles involved in the feast. With the change of times, these feasts and drinks have increasingly become folklore. However, whether it is a banquet between the royal family and the nobility, or a gathering of the people and the people, it is not only to satisfy the appetite, but also for a deeper purpose, that is, to communicate and connect feelings through the social method of feasting and drinking together, to enhance friendship, to promote ethical relations, and to enhance moral feelings.
The Book of Hongyan: Human Feelings and Customs Hidden in the Ruler
In ancient times, due to the inconvenience of transportation, interpersonal communication was greatly limited. "I live at the head of the Yangtze River, and I live at the end of the Yangtze River." Thinking about the jun every day, he did not see the jun, and drank the water of the Yangtze River together. "If you can't meet, how can you communicate emotionally and build a relationship?" The ancients created a different way of socializing — writing letters. Letters were indispensable to the ancients in expressing affection, friendship and love. "In march, the family letter arrives at ten thousand gold", "The autumn wind is seen in Luoyang City, and I want the writer to write a thousand meanings", "Who in the clouds sends the golden book", these moving verses are all expectations for the letters. Even in ancient times, there was a profession of writing letters on behalf of others, in order to meet the needs of those mountain villagers to communicate with letters.
At least during the Spring and Autumn Period and the Warring States Period, the exchange of letters appeared in China. The famous allusion of "Yin Shuyan said" is enough to prove it. Among the large number of Qin and Han Jian Mu found in archaeology, the original of many letters from that period has been preserved, which is very precious. Later, the letters not only had the practical function of exchanging information and communicating emotions, but also gradually formed into a style, Sima Qian's "Book of Baoren Shaoqing" and Yang Yun's "Book of the Emperor Of the Sun Hui" were included in the anthologies of previous dynasties and widely circulated as model texts. Letters, in ancient times, were also known as books, letters, letters, zha, notes, janes, rulers, rulers, etc., in addition to many other names and elegant names, such as fish geese, hong geese, clouds, luan notes, etc., which are the products of the development of the letter culture. With the maturity of calligraphy in the Wei and Jin dynasties, letters also became an art form and aesthetic object in later generations. Many of the famous "thesis" in the history of calligraphy originated from the correspondence between literati. For example, Wang Xizhi's "Qing Ti at the Time of Fast Snow", "Funeral Post", "Abdominal Pain Post", Wang Xianzhi's "Mid-Autumn Festival" and "SendIng Pear Post", and the Northern Song Dynasty Su Dongpo's "Spring Post" are all called calligraphy gods. The number of rulers and letters that survived during the Qing Dynasty and the Republic of China has also become an important historical material and is cherished by today's people. Famous such as Lu Xun's "Book of Two Places", Yu Pingbo and Ye Shengtao's "Entertainment in the Twilight Years", Gu Lin's "Three Stacks of Books" and so on are all profound, interesting and worth reading.
As a form of communication, letters should of course also pay attention to etiquette. The most important principle of the epistle etiquette is the emphasis in the Book of Rites and Rites: "Those who are polite and respectful of others" are inferior and respectful. This principle is universal, and only self-humility and humility can elevate the other party to show respect. This is not only reflected in the etiquette of communication, but also in the use of language. As a letter of written language, of course, this requirement is even more prominent. The ancients were very particular, and this point only needs to be deeply understood by reading the ancient ruler or the collection of letters of the neighbors.
Traditional epistles generally consist of six major parts: predicate, tibi, simu, main text, wish language, and signature. As far as the object of the letter is concerned, there are generally different elders, peers and juniors, and there are also differences between relatives and relatives, so it is necessary to use different terms in the formulation of the title, such as for the elders, you can use honor and give, for teachers, you can use letters and Taoist seats; for ordinary people, you can use foot, your excellency, Taijian and so on. When it comes to predicates, there are big differences between ancient and modern times. Modern people used to use "comrade so-and-so", and now they use "Mr. so-and-so" and "Lady so-and-so", but between the ancient and modern traditions, there will be some misunderstandings. The most famous example is Xu Guangping's sincere fear of Lu Xun's reply to her as "Brother Guangping". In the past few years, I have seen many such examples, such as young people writing letters to Qian Zhongshu and other predecessors, and their replies write "brother so-and-so" as usual, and the result is that the young man proudly shows off: Qian Zhongshu and I call brothers and brothers. In fact, the teacher's meaning of calling a student "brother", that is, a disciple, is not the use of brothers. If the teacher calls the student "brother", it means that the teacher-student relationship is not close enough, and the strange elder calls someone a brother, which is purely polite. Similar misunderstandings require us to read more letters from ancients and close relatives, or turn over practical books such as "Qiushui Xuan Zhi Mu", naturally practice can make skill, mastery is easy to master, and it is not easy to make mistakes. If these seem too old-fashioned and demanding, then the minimum etiquette requirement is that we must not forget the predicate and signature, that is, to whom the letter is written clearly, such as so-and-so teacher, Mr. so-and-so, and finally remember to settle the money, otherwise it will be extremely rude.
With the advent of the telephone, the use of letters has decreased; when I was in college in the late 1990s, letters were still an important way to communicate with friends, and with the emergence and popularization of mobile phones, especially text messages, WeChat, and video chat functions, letters almost withdrew from daily life in addition to official letters. However, the incarnation of letters into text messages and WeChat, in fact, there are still problems with communication etiquette, and now a considerable number of people have serious disrespectful behavior in the process of WeChat exchanges. This requires us to revisit the ancient style and transform it into our life practice.
In fact, whether it is the return of letters or the communication between guests and hosts, they need to be maintained by Lilly. As we all know, the basic spirit of "etiquette" is "respect", so the basic principle of interpersonal communication is the way to express respect: "inferiority and respect", so that "courtesy goes all over the world"!
Originally published: China Treasure Magazine December 2021
Author: Song Lilin, Professor of Qufu Normal University, Director of the Institute of Chinese Lile Civilization, Taishan Scholar Young Expert of Shandong Province
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