Recently, I was chasing a drama "The World of Man", and I was in tears for a while, laughed for a while, and strongly gave it to you guys.
This New Year's Eve drama adapted from Liang Xiaosheng's novel of the same name can be called a good conscience drama.
Zhou Bingkun, the old third of the Zhou family played by Lei Jiayin, is the core character in this drama.
Among the three brothers and sisters of the Zhou family, he was the most ordinary, the most honest, and the most filial.
Older brothers and sisters as Zhiqing went to the mountains and went to the countryside, fathers as workers were also out all year round, mothers had cerebral hemorrhage and became vegetative, Zhou Bingkun was worried about affecting their studies and work, and did not dare to tell them.
He chose to take care of everything in the family alone, taking care of his vegetative mother and helping his sister with the children, and he never complained.
This kind and filial child, because of one of his father's actions, ignited the anger and grievances in his heart, and a fierce quarrel broke out with his father.
In this quarrel, we see a truth about homeschooling:
Always neglected children,
How eager to get the attention and approval of parents!
Children who are always neglected, how eager they are for their parents' approval
There is a scene in the play where the Zhou family finally reunited in the Spring Festival after 12 years.
Father Zhou led the whole family to the neighborhood to pay respects to the New Year, and along the way, he enthusiastically introduced his two children who studied at Peking University, as well as the daughter-in-law of The Governor Qianjin and the son-in-law of a famous poet in Beijing, but he never mentioned the third son.
Father Zhou's face was full of pride, enjoying the envious eyes and praise of the villagers.
He ignored his young son and daughter-in-law, not even noticing that they went back to cook halfway through.
This made Zhou Bingkun feel inferior and sad.
What is inferior is that he is not as good as his brother and sister.
Sadly, he was despised by his father.
This incident became a thorn in his heart, and he always held it in his heart.
Later, Zhou Bingkun and his brother had an argument and fought, and his father did not say a word, and came up and gave him a kick.
This made Zhou Bingkun feel even more uncomfortable!
When sending his father to the train station, Zhou Bingkun spat out these grievances that were accumulated in his heart:
In these sour-sounding words, there is actually a child's desire to get his father's approval.
What he was really disappointed and sad about was that his father ignored and didn't care about him.
But the father did not realize the son's true intention to say this, and he thought that the younger son was only jealous of his brother and sister because he did not get into college.
Even publicly rebuked Zhou Bingkun:
His father's words greatly affected Zhou Bingkun's self-esteem, and there is a saying about how to say:
The closer the person is, the more he knows where the knife hurts the most.
In the days that followed, he worked hard to create, he gave up the iron rice bowl, and opened a restaurant to earn more than all the family combined.
But he still did not dare to write to his father, he knew that his father was most concerned not about more money and less money, but about the establishment, and he was just a temporary worker.
Psychologist William James once said:
"The deepest need of human nature is the desire to be appreciated and praised by others."
For children, the affirmation and recognition from their parents is particularly important, which is an important foundation for them to build self-confidence.
If the desire to be approved by the parents is not satisfied, it is likely to become a heart disease of the child, and this obsession will accompany them throughout their lives.
In the novel "Mother and the Meaning of Life" by the psychotherapist Owen Yaron, the protagonist imagines himself returning to his childhood when he is old and dying, waving his hands at his mother in the amusement park, and asks:
"Mom, how am I doing?"
Many children spend their whole lives trying to be recognized and appreciated by their parents.
What is it like not to be recognized by your parents?
On the eve of the Beijing Winter Olympics, the Winter Olympics-themed TV series "Beyond" was launched, and there was a scene in the play that resonated with many people.
Roller skating girl Chen Mian finished at the bottom of a skating competition, and her father, as a coach, hit her in public:
"I know I don't have to play a game I know I'm going to lose!"
Chen Mian was not convinced:
"As a father, how do you know your daughter will lose?"
This scene triggered the feelings of many netizens, and related topics quickly became hot searches:
What is it like not to be recognized by a loved one?
Many of the answers are heart-wrenching:
"It's really super sad and really desperate, because family approval is often more important than success and failure..."
"It's like you're reasoning with a person, and no matter how many arguments you give, it doesn't make sense."
"Being unpopular and disapproved by parents is a very bad experience, very bad."
"I don't have much sense of belonging to my home, I want to run away from home when I was a child, and I don't want to go home when I grow up."
"I am always lonely inside, and I always feel that I am the only one in this world."
Children who are not affirmed by their parents have a hard time building full self-confidence, and they all have a black hole in their hearts that will get bigger and bigger with the passage of time.
No matter how successful your career is, no matter how perfect you are, you can never fill the black hole in your heart.
The only thing that can make you feel relieved is the affirmation and appreciation of your parents.
Sogou CEO Wang Xiaochuan is a person who is desperately eager to be affirmed and appreciated by his mother.
He once revealed on the show, "My mom is a very demanding person. ”
He was very eager to get his mother's approval, and when Sogou went to the United States to go public, he brought his mother with him, hoping that her mother would witness the most memorable moment of his life.
All the people congratulated him and praised him, but only his mother poured cold water on him:
"Only 5 billion market value, you look at how much Tencent, how much Ali ..."
He is a big person in the eyes of others, but he is not worth mentioning in the eyes of his mother, which makes Wang Xiaochuan always have an inferiority complex:
If you're not good, you're done.
There is no child who does not aspire to the support and praise of their parents, whether it is childhood or after starting a family, for children:
Even if it is recognized by the whole world, it is not worth the parents' sentence "Child, you are awesome!" ”
Even if you get countless glory, it is not as good as your parents' words, "Son, I am proud of you!" ”
The recognition of parents is the greatest luck of children
Parents' encouragement and affirmation can make children more confident and courageous.
Parents' blind blows and indifference will make children completely deny themselves.
How to avoid becoming a parent like the latter?
I summarized a few points and encouraged the girls:
Don't compare your child to someone else
Every child is unique, don't always compare your child with others, and don't embarrass your child in public.
In particular, note that:
It's okay to praise others, but don't belittle your own children.
Tell your child more," "Mom believes in you."
Research shows that encouragement is the most important way to make a child feel confident.
Gu Ailing's mother believes in encouraging education, and she never hits her daughter's confidence.
When Gu Ailing was 8 years old, she said that she would participate in the Olympic Games in the future, and her mother encouraged her to make her dream come true;
She competed for the first time at the age of 13, and even the movements were incomplete, and her mother encouraged her to win or lose.
Gu Ailing's achievements today are inseparable from her positive mentality and super self-confidence, and her self-confidence is inseparable from her mother's encouragement.
Be good at discovering and affirming the child's strengths
No one is perfect, children are not perfect, as parents, we must have a pair of eyes that are good at discovering the advantages of children.
In "The World of Man", Zhou Bingkun seems to be inferior to his brother and sister in all aspects, did not go to college, was just an ordinary worker, and the daughter-in-law he was looking for was also uneducated and unemployed.
He was the most ordinary, the most ordinary, the most unproductive of the three brothers and sisters.
But he is also the most filial, the most careful, the most daring to fight.
He endured the humiliation of taking care of the stroked mother at home,
He took the initiative to give up the iron rice bowl and open a restaurant to fight for a career.
The daughter-in-law he married was virtuous and filial, and worked hard and complained,
He found that his father had become cautious in front of his brother, so he took the initiative to remind his brother to take care of his father's emotions...
Each child is a unique little angel, and they have their own shining points, waiting for their parents to discover, to encourage, to amplify.
The affirmation and encouragement of parents is the greatest luck of children.
May you and I be the warmest person in the heart of the child.