There are always some things in life that make people feel embarrassed and can't think clearly. And what we have to do is to sort out the clues here and find the most beneficial way for us.
——Si Jie Q&A summary
Ya Lin and her husband have been married for 11 years, and when they are in love, their feelings are so good that they are honey and oil, and they marry to his hometown, a small county town thousands of miles away, for her husband.
Because of economic reasons, after bringing the first baby to the age of three, Yalin chose to go to the provincial capital to work, more than three hours a week round-trip drive, running at both ends of the provincial capital and the county seat, although the days are hard, but fortunately there is a run for the future.
The turn of events seems to have started with the second treasure. Ya Lin took the eldest child to the provincial city to study, and her mother-in-law also came to take care of it, and she was pregnant with her second child and ran away on both sides. At this time, she hopes that her husband will be caring and considerate, like before, for the sake of the family for love, regardless of the boat and car, often come to see her, only for the family reunion.
But I didn't expect that my husband didn't have this kind of thought at all, so many years have long been accustomed to Yalin's efforts for the family, and when it really falls on him, the weekly round trip becomes a shackle.
At the beginning, the husband also found some excuses, such as the car was taken by Yalin, his work was too busy, the weekend was not his rest day, etc., and then directly became a few days to contact, or something to contact.
Even if Erbao was born, he did not arouse the father's warm father's love and emotions, as if he was like a bachelor, hanging out and happy over there, eating and drinking and playing every night, even giving the child a video for only a few minutes.
Such a husband and wife relationship makes Yalin sometimes suspect that she has a fake marriage, and he is not the same as him.
But things are not so simple after all, when Yalin saw that there were thousands of large sums of money transferred to someone in weChat transfer records, she began to be suspicious. This WeChat name is a string of symbols, search can not be found, but also have to turn to the address book to the end to find, it seems to be unremarkable, but according to the avatar and symbol can be judged to be a woman.
Ya lin had a sense of crisis, and after giving birth to the second treasure, she seized the time to recover her figure and ran more diligently to her husband. But even so, at the weekly reunion, men talk about eating with friends and talking about things, and almost always come home after 12 o'clock.
After her husband came home drunk and fell asleep, Yalin found undreleted evidence on his mobile phone. A lady from the clubhouse said, "Today I wore your beloved xx, don't treat it like last time." Some of the subsequent chat content is not impressive, but it also proves that he has been hooked up for a long time, and the husband even knows that the other party has a child of a few years old.
Awesome, their own children don't care, but to others to worry about how to bring the baby! The real hammer evidence that Ya Lin had been looking for finally appeared, her hands were trembling to record these contents and transfer records, her brain had already lost the ability to think, and she hated to wake him up immediately.
After a sleepless night, Yalin sadly tearfully recalled her own efforts over the years, and her love for this man instantly transformed into hatred that wanted to destroy him. But she couldn't help it, her body was like being crushed by a large iron stone, unable to move. The next morning, I took a leave of absence in the name of being unwell, and I couldn't even go to class.
As a woman who has been working hard in the workplace, Yalin is still sober and knows that her husband will definitely not divorce herself for such a woman. But for his cheating, there must be a solution, the so-called infidelity a hundred times do not use, then do you want to divorce your husband? And how can we teach him a lesson to convert himself to evil?
The clever Ya lin found Si Jie at the first time she found it. After telling the story, Si Jie quickly stopped her urge to question her husband, and waited for her to regain her sanity before talking about anything else.
In the thousands of cases that Si Jie has contacted, almost most women will jump at the first moment of discovery and immediately question men. This is indeed in line with our own human nature, but what woman who is deeply in love can accept her husband and others in bed?
But Sister Si wrote out Yalin's story today, hoping to remind more sisters that in the first time of discovery, no matter what the follow-up is, first keep your sanity and stabilize the evidence, and don't question and showdown without preparation.
If the marriage after finding out that a man is cheating is a war, the wayward woman who vents seems to win, but in fact loses. People have not moved a single soldier, but you have lost your self-strength and seriously injured.
If you can't help it, it doesn't matter, come and talk to Sister Si, Sister Si will help you wake up.
In the face of the fact that Yalin's husband is cheating in front of her, we suggest that she do this:
First, the showdown is an opportunity to win back a round, please be sure to prepare first.
Let's first assume an emotionally impulsive interrogation, Yalin saw the chat record, immediately tore her husband up and asked him: "Are you in a relationship with this woman?" "When the husband sees the evidence in front of him, he may say, it is a verbal cannon, if the evidence is enough, he will say that just once (in fact, it is the time you see), it is the woman who seduced him, it is a scene, not known for a long time." What follows is the woman's crying, accusations and complaints; the man immediately apologizes and promises to change.
For the next few days, the man was cautious and obedient to the woman. The woman began to stimulate him with harsh and harsh words, reminding him from time to time that he had done something wrong, to atone for his sins, and even to think that the man was dirty and no longer had sex with him. At this point, the man will generally reassure himself to never contact the woman again.
Is this picture quite familiar? Many sisters think that letting a man bear his own blame, cold violence, and sarcasm will make him remember the lesson and never make it again, which is still naïve.
Often, women are still picky and tangled, and the precious guilt period of men has passed.
In probably two weeks, the man who had once humbly begged for forgiveness began his rebellion: "You have no end!" If you don't want to live, get divorced. "The murderer has a reprieve, and you can't stand it." "I'm just making the mistakes that men make, as for holding on?"
When he slammed the door and ran away from home to complain to Little Three (Little Four), you should humble yourself and beg him to come back.
Lo and behold, the opportunity is fleeting.
Most of the sisters who are not ready for a showdown will fall into the brink of collapse again, feeling angry that he is doing this to you, but at the same time afraid that he really will not come back and be abandoned, thinking of divorce and afraid of hurting the children.
Therefore, the showdown is very important, if used well, it will trigger a precious period of guilt for men, so as to protect their own interests. Many sisters here take this opportunity to let men sign marital property agreements, or directly let men get out of the game.
You may ask, my showdown is not for profit, I want him to admit his mistakes, change, and love me only from now on.
Sister, wake up.
Those who want their husbands to be able to break off with Xiaosan after the showdown, to submit to themselves in the future, to increase the time to go home and spend more time with their children, etc., are all invalid desires.
Because we can never change others, he changes his heart is a change of heart. You will not change your mind because of your hysteria, and you will not change your mind because of your bottomless tolerance.
I know that you may not be able to accept the fact that he does not love you, but when you are finally hurt by his unrepentant, non-confession, inconsistent words and deeds, lying, and secondary infidelity, you will find that once a man cheats, your goal should no longer be this person, but to protect his future life - interests.
Please always remember that a marriage certificate only protects your marital property, but not your feelings.
Don't think you're his wife, he has to love you for the rest of his life.
inexistent.
So when we find evidence of our husband's cheating, we must first remind ourselves to be calm, first record all the evidence with our own mobile phones, send the transfer record to our mailbox in the form of evidence, and prepare for the showdown later (no way, in too many cases, men will be cunning in the face of evidence, refuse to admit anything, and have no guilt. So, ample evidence is for the successful use of showdowns to trigger a period of guilt for men.)
Then think about the purpose of the showdown, whether it is to divide the property in the event of divorce, or to get the husband to sign the marital property agreement.
Consider the benefits you want, although sometimes it may not be achieved, but at least it makes you more purposeful, rather than being driven purely by emotions.
Next, when negotiating with men, prepare recordings, leave evidence that he admits to cheating, and don't let him have any more room for sophistry.
When you have all the preliminary work ready, take another suitable opportunity to show off with him, and use his "fear of loss" and the "unknown" of your reaction to force him to sign a marital property agreement or a physical document that can prove that he cheated, such a showdown has substantial significance.
(For specific methods, see the next part: "Signing the Marital Agreement")
Second, take the decision of the showdown in your own hands and act for the sake of profit.
When the real hammer evidence of the showdown has been collected, then think about whether you want to carry out the showdown in the end, which is the so-called planning and then moving.
When Yalin counted her family's property to see if she could classify some of it as her name, she found that there was actually nothing to compete for. A house that is still repaying the loan, the down payment is from his parents, the husband's salary pays off the mortgage, and the rest of the money is his living expenses; his own salary is responsible for the expenses of two children and the cost of renting a house in the provincial city; the mother-in-law also helps to take the child, usually buys vegetables and cooks and also the mother-in-law subsidy point; a small broken car is responsible for her shuttle between the provincial city and the county town, and she usually uses more.
In this way, signing a marital agreement, putting the house and the car all under their own name, this is the most beneficial to themselves; divorce, the other party can not come up with money, the house can not be divided, the mother's family is not strong, the mother-in-law is not to bring the baby, it is not cost-effective for themselves. But this house is the man's family's down payment, how likely is it that after the showdown, it will be written all as her own property, Ya Lin feels that the hope is very small, can she really get it all after the divorce? It's hard legally.
For other women with better family conditions, if there is a house, a car, cash, or future income can be assigned to their own name, of course, they must take advantage of the moment of exposing their husbands and take a good part of the benefits. After all, you have lost this person, lost this love, and you still don't firmly grasp the money, really have to fall to the point where people and money are empty, do you know that you should be worldly?
For a family like Yalin, she calculates and finds that there is no benefit to the showdown, the husband's infidelity has made her lose the love she once cherished, and it is more difficult for a man to give her a house with a premarital down payment through a marital agreement.
And Yalin's own earning power is actually much better than that of men, so after analysis, Yalin lost interest in questioning men.
She even began to feel that this man was so low, and she was entangled with such a man, which was really cheap, it was better to get rid of the dependence on the man and the man's family as soon as possible, and kicked this man.
Third, choose to keep the marriage, but keep the love is no longer love, but let yourself gradually become stronger and stable environment.
After calmly making all preparations, Yalin took fewer detours to save her husband, and after analyzing the pros and cons, decided to stay within the walls of the marriage, but not to guard the integrity of the marriage, just to leave a soil for her own growth.
Husband's money, give yourself a place to live, the strength of your mother-in-law, bring yourself a baby a helper. And the plan for the future must be to learn from more successful women the way they make money.
However, the long time of keeping a marriage is not a sentence or two of chicken soup for the soul can replace it.
Sister Si knew that she could figure it out now, and she might not be able to figure it out in a few days, especially at night. Unwillingness would stir up storms in her heart again, making her want to ask, "Why?!!" Why?! ”
This is also a problem that many sisters on Sister Si's side will encounter.
Whenever this happens, I tell my sisters that hugging myself and coming out is a process. No one can figure it out and do it all at once, without repeating it.
This requires us to use continuous practice to overcome those emotions that pop up from time to time, and to use a few months or even a year or two to quit our emotional dependence on him, become independent, and become the master of our own lives.
Yalin is also, she reorganized her work, there is nothing wrong with staying in the provincial city, there are more opportunities to work, and the people she meets are richer. In this job, what is the future development prospect, how to get as high a salary as possible, and which part-time doorways can be considered and are good at. You need to do so many things, fight for your own physical strength, the body must be well exercised, the body and spirit can not collapse, in order to fight like hanging.
The next consideration is two children, there is no need to catch the husband to keep the child by his side, after the actual operation he is still late, he still has to run at both ends every day, the child can not tie the man. Then it is better to leave the mother-in-law around to cook and pick up the children every day, and mainly tutor their studies; cultivate two excellent children, and be happy to rely on and be happy when they are old.
Finally, it was the husband who was far away in the county, and he was going to do whatever he wanted, but he would not spend any penny on him. Normal communication allows him to pay his mortgage in the provincial city, and then orders his children's tuition and living expenses, and occasionally coaxes him to be happy and order gifts, and his role is limited to this. As for what he would do in the future, Ya Lin didn't want to let him bother with any more of his own affairs.
In the marriage that the elderly talk about, there is always a sentence of "patience is over", but Sister Si always encourages the sisters: don't put up with it, you have to turn a blind eye. Endure breast hyperplasia for a while, take a step back from the cervical cyst, because you still love and hate, hold that breath to keep the marriage, how can you not get sick?
And if you don't care about him at all, don't be affected, have no emotions, will you still feel uncomfortable? A cash machine, a nanny, a salary, two well-behaved children, such a marriage is really good!
Is it okay to devote a limited number of decades of life to something more meaningful?